Pressure about engagement rings and wedding date

[Twiloboy]

Good day to all who read this post.

 

This is my first time posting anything on here, and I hope that I can get some good, honest feedback here.

 

First let me give you a little background on my situation and hope it will make sense. My GF and I have known each other for a little over five years, and out of those five we dated for 2.5 years. Then she decided to end it so that she could deal with some issues on her own, but we still kept in contact almost daily and hung out every so often. During the time that we were apart(almost 2 years) she dated someone else, but it did not work out, and now we are back together for about a month now.

 

Recently, the topic of marriage has come up, and it seems like we are both on the same page about getting hitched, and we talked about engagement rings, but no talk about when it will happen. She mentioned that she would like to be engaged by Valentine's Day, and I told her upfront that I can not promise a ring by that date, but I plan on asking her to marry me...I just do not have a date in mind yet(my plan is by the spring or early summer).

 

I told her that we have only been back together for a month, and since us getting back together took me by surprise I am going to need some time to save(three to four months TOPS) up for the ring that I want to get her. Also, I told her that I want sit down with her and have a serious talk about what we both want out of the marriage. Recently, she has been making comments like she wants to get married before she is 35 (we are both 26), and those comments makes me think that she feels I am going to take forever to get the ring.

 

My reason for not asking for her hand in marriage by Valentine's Day is simple: I do not have several thousand dollars in the bank(I am working on saving the money), and I refuse to enter a marriage in debt(is that wrong of me to think that way?). I know that she is excited about the idea that I will ask her to marry her, but it is putting a great deal of pressure and stress on me to make this happen ASAP, and I do not like that. What do I do about this...I am upfront and honest about this with her and I am not stringing her along, but I feel that she is on this race to get married before her friends do.

 

My question to the women that read this is once you and your SO bring up the talk about getting married, why all of a sudden there is this rush to walk down the isle? I mean I plan on us being married at least a year to a year and a half from now(is that too long to wait if I plan on proposing to her by this summer at the latest?).

 

For the men out there....have you ever been in this situation, and if so how do you deal with it?

 

I will take any feedback.

[norajane]

I'm confused. She's saying she wants to get married before she's 35, so why do you feel pressured? That's 9 years from now.

 

I'm also confused as to why you're talking about marriage after only a month back together. You haven't dated for 2 years. You need a bit more than a month together before deciding to be life partners.

 

Anyway.

 

Why don't you just tell her what your thoughts are straight out? Tell her you'd like to spend some time talking about the important things before making a life decision - values, kids, money, housing, etc. Tell her your timeline - that you think you'd like to wait until summertime to make the decision and propose.

 

And tell her you don't have the money to buy her a ring now and you won't by February. There's nothing wrong with being honest about that. If you're going to spend the rest of your life together, if she wants to be your wife vs. "getting married", then she needs to understand what kind of financial situation you are in and can temper her expectations accordingly.

 

This is all stuff you ought to be able to discuss with her freely if you are even considering marriage.

[tikigods]

entering into marriage debt free is a huge plus! In fact I would suggest it to any couple that is going to get married.

 

Now onto the red flags! You guys havn't dated for two years, which is a long time for a person to change. Why the huge rush into getting married after only a month? Why the pressure from her to have it done by a certain time? Why not enjoy the time you have together and otherwise just enjoy being together to see if it will work out better this time. How long has she been out of this past relationship? How long was she with this guy? Arey ou sure she didn't come back to you after a bad break up knowing that you would be a sure thing to come back to?

 

I think that you both need to SLOOOOW down, and you need to both have a serious conversation. You have 9 years till her deadline (and I don't trust anyone with a deadline, and the fact that she wants it by a certain day is scary to me)

 

ps I am a girl and it sounds to me that she is starting to get scared that she won't have someone and knows that she can count on you to be the one that saves her from being alone

[Twiloboy]

I want to say thanks for the input I got from the people that looked at my post. I did not mean to confuse any people...the whole being married before she was 35 comment from her meant that she did not want to wait until she was 35 before she got married. She would like to be married in the next year to year and a half. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Last night after putting up the first post I did some serious thinking about getting married and all of that. I do feel that it is too soon to even being to make any plans about an engagement (I do realize that we have only been back together for a little over a month now). Even though I know that eventually we will get married, there are some things that we do need to talk about first so that we both know what the other person wants out of a marriage.

 

I want to do this because my parents marriage ended on a bad note(it would have good for a Jerry Springer episode), and I just do not want go down that same path of being married to someone and the two of us are not on the same page. I think that right now her main focus is solely on the ceremony(showing the ring off, planning the wedding and all of that stuff), and I am looking at things from a realistic standpoint (i.e. mortgage, kids, retirement, etc....). So this weekend I am going to have a long talk with her about all of this, and let you all know the results of that conversation. Thanks once again for all of the input.

[norajane]

I think you're taking a very sensible approach. There's a lot more to marriage than the ring, the wedding, and showing off for your friends. It's a lifetime commitment and you both absolutely need to be on the same page as far as your expectations and life plans. Talking about mortgage, retirement, children, will she work after having kids or be stay at home mom and how that will affect your finances, the kind of lifestyle you expect to have when it comes to travel, home, cars, etc., the way you'll handle responsibilities around the house, saving for the kids' college educations, etc., are all really important to understand and agree upon.

[bella_girl]

Twiloboy I would say talk to your GF about how you are feeling, that's its too soon and you want to take stuff slowly make sure your relationship has strong foundations before getting into engagement/marriage etc.

 

Also on the ring - I wouldn't care if a guy proposed to me without a ring, the ring is not really important. What you are asking her is the you want to spend your life with her and be committed to her. The ring is absolutely secondary to this.

 

So on the ring thing (if you decide to get engaged) why don't you two go halves, save up for a ring together, get a temporary ring, don't bother about one at all. There are many ways around this issue have you having to go into debt all on your own or save up for months.

 

Finally I think she's thinking valentine's day because it's all romantic and fairytale like. We get a bit stuck sometimes on the romantic ideal rather than real life. That's all. And I think its great you want to sit down and have a serious conversation about marriage what it means to you both etc it is a very wise and important idea.

 

good luck. Bella.