Working hard at improving myself for myself

[Canuck2006]

First of all, I just want to say that this forum is great. Lots of fantastic information here to help people out who have no where to turn for information.

 

Here is my story.

 

About three years ago, I quit a job due to an overload of stress. It caused me to become depressed. I then met my love and dated her for two years. During this time I was having a hard time with work and was suffering from issues of depression.

 

She got sick last January and for three months I thought I was going to lose her. It was a scary time. I think this added to my stress without me knowing and out relationship turned really bad. I started taking an anti depressent (Effexor) recommended from my doctor which would help me get out of my rut. What it did was make me loose my mind causing major depression and serious anger issues. During this time I punched 2 holes in the wall and used some really harsh words towards her..including calling her a fat cow during a seriously heated arguement. Now that my head is clear, I can see that I was really upset about myself gaining weight from the medication and felt guilty about the way we were eating. In reality I think she's one of the sexiest women I know and I love her for who she is.

 

My relationship came to an end about 5 weeks ago when she took me to the hospital and I saw a crisis worker. She said she needed a break and then last Monday, she said she needed to break up. It was really hard. I said to her that "I felt like she was ditching me just when I am getting better" and that it hurt because I was the one by her side when she was seriously ill who's shoulder she cried on. I asked her if we could ever get back together in the future..what are chances are and she said she didn't know right now. That she was hurt. I also asked her if "I should go date other people" and she said if that is what you want. I felt like she didn't care. I told her that isn't what I want at all.

 

I know I hurt her bad and scared her. I put myself in anger management councilling and it's been a blessing. I'm learning that I don't have to live like that and it's my choice on how I will act when I'm angry. I'm also doing mood and anxiety councilling which deals with Cognitive therapy.

I did get a great full time job (which was one of her concerns) and I'm loving it. As far as exercising, I'm walking a few miles every night when I can and when I can afford it, I'm going to join the gym.

 

I'm really trying to turn my life around so that I can love myself and then perhaps be able to have a rich loving relationship in my future hopefully with this woman.

 

Our love I feel was true and real and we were very close. It was the anger and depression that really turned it sour.

 

I

It's been five weeks since I've seen her and I will be picking some stuff of mine up at her house tomorrow or perhaps Sunday. I was speaking to her tonight and she sounded distant and said she was going to let me go because she had to go do some laundry. It's funny...it seems like some days she's warm, and others she's cold. I've sent her hallmark e-cards just to let her know that I'm thinking about her (which she seemed to like..said they were cute and made her smile) but talking on the phone seems not so good. Is this warm/cold thing normal???

 

I really want this woman in life again. I will see her Friday but I don't know what to say really. Should I keep it light? Do I tell her to her face how sorry I am for saying and doing the things I did? I want to tell her that it was the depression and medication that made me so awful but it's hard talking about depression..people have a hard time grasping it's a sickness and it's not you.

 

Any advice on what to say tomorrow when I see her would be great. I'm going to dress up nice and look my best when I see her. I think that is always good. I'm a little nervous because I have a zit that broke out and I'm feeling a bit self consious..I know..silly.

 

Thanks guys. Please post your thoughts..they're much appreciated.

 

Chad

[Benji86]

I can kind of relate to what you are talking about...in the sense that my anger has caused some issues in the relationship with my ex. How did the counselling help your anger, did it make it any better? I tend to get defensive and it comes out as anger and aggression.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow when you talk to her, and I hope that everything works out great for you. I dont really have any advice for you, for I have fallen to relatively the same thing you have, so my words would really mean nothing. But again, goodluck =)

[Canuck2006]

Yes the therapy really is helping. I can upload a pdf to you this weekend to show you what it is exactly I'm working on. Just email me (angrius at gmail) For the most part so far, I've had to dig up what it was like as a child and how I relate to things that make me angry. What that does is really make you think you are doing with your anger as you write. It's pretty great stuff. The other thing is relaxation techniques which I always thought were stupid and a waste of time. When you put them into practice the right way, they're great and leave you feeling refreshed and relaxed.

 

I called her today and rescheduled to see her on Sunday. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to keep it light and friendly.

 

I also ordered "How to Get Your Lover Back" by Blase Harris. This looks like a really good book.

 

What is your situation like?

[pjammer]

Yes the therapy really is helping. I can upload a pdf to you this weekend to show you what it is exactly I'm working on. Just email me (angrius at gmail) For the most part so far, I've had to dig up what it was like as a child and how I relate to things that make me angry. What that does is really make you think you are doing with your anger as you write. It's pretty great stuff. The other thing is relaxation techniques which I always thought were stupid and a waste of time. When you put them into practice the right way, they're great and leave you feeling refreshed and relaxed.

 

I called her today and rescheduled to see her on Sunday. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to keep it light and friendly.

 

I also ordered "How to Get Your Lover Back" by Blase Harris. This looks like a really good book.

 

What is your situation like?

I too had some personal problems to sort out, and I did seek a therapist after my g/f broke up with me. I wasnt honest with her, and I showed some 'temper' sometimes (nothing physical or even aimed at her, just did some things Im not proud of). The therapist has helped a ton. She has gotten me to really open up, realize my problems, admit my mistakes, and is getting me to work on them to better myself first before I can even hope to reconsile with my g/f. I have been in N/C for about 3 weeks now, and I am trying to hold up, and it has gotten a little better recently.

 

As for the books on getting back your ex, I havent tried any. I just dont know if they work or not, and I dont want to try and manipulate her into getting back with me. All I can do is try and better myself, and hope she sees that in me enough to realize what we had in the first place, and to give me another chance.

 

The therapist has gotten me to start writing a journal, expressing ALL of what I am feeling throughout the day. Also, she told me to start working out again (which I have, and I have begun to play tennis again). Just normal things to get my mind back in place before I even approach my g/f again...

[Guest]

So I actually have to meet with her Tomorrow (Sunday). I'm scared. Nervous. I'm not sure what to say actually. Anybody have some advice? I haven't seen her for about 5 weeks. Thanks.

[D-Lish]

Any advice on what to say tomorrow when I see her would be great. I'm going to dress up nice and look my best when I see her. I think that is always good. I'm a little nervous because I have a zit that broke out and I'm feeling a bit self consious..I know..silly.

 

Thanks guys. Please post your thoughts..they're much appreciated.

 

If you're worried about your zit, you can combat the redness by putting a spot of green concealer on it (it works to combat the redness), then applying a spot of concealer on it the same colour as your skin.

It won't even look like you're wearing make-up...haha. No eye-liner though~ that would be overdoing it.

 

Sounds like your gf needs a bit of time and space.

When you see her, just act happy and confident, you want to remind her of the man she fell in love with.

 

No pressuring about the relationship.... you don't want to push her away.

If you're truly making changes, she will notice.

 

Good luck.

D

[Canuck2006]

Thanks for all the input guys. It's good to feel you're not alone.

 

I'm going to play it cool..be happy and confident and talk with her a bit. I'll make sure to giver her little compliments as well..not too much. Just on her new haircut and whatnot. The harsh words I used were part of the problem in our breakup. I'm going to have to really try hard to make her feel sexy again and beautiful.

 

D...good tips on the makeup. I was actually going put lip liner on too and a bit of blush..good thing you stopped me:) Great advice..my skin is back to normal now..well almost..as you know, the winters here can be a bit drying.

 

 

I'll let you guys know how it went. Thanks again.

 

Chad

[Canuck2006]

So here's what happened.

 

I called her place at about 3:00 and no answer. Called her cell. Same thing. I was angry because she said just call on Sunday..she'll be around. Anyways, I thought okay I'll wait until 4 oclock. She called. Said she could send her dad over to open up the house because her and her mom were going out. I said to her that I wasn't comfortable with that since I haven't spoken to her dad since we've split and I really respect him a lot.

So she said she'd wait there and if I could come around 4:30 that would be great.

 

We got there and she was there with her mom. I'm glad she had her mom there. She was probably as nervous as I was. It made me feel good. We had a good chat and then I went down to grab some of my stuff from her basement. She came down to and helped me out. I complimented on how great her hair looked and she liked that I think. She said I looked good and that I had lost some weight. I also dressed up nicer than normal and I think she noticed that. D...do women notice those things???

My dad was there too and when she went back up stairs for a second he gave her a hug and a kiss which she really liked.

 

I made a cd for her this weekend and I wasn't sure if I should give it to her or not but at the last second I decided to and just said that I had made a few for myself for work and did one up for her too. I had some new songs I thought she'd like and some bands that I know she likes. I think it was okay.

 

We said our goodbyes..said it was nice to see each other and talk to you later.

 

I'm happy with the outcome. You could see she still cares but she was nervous..and rightfully so...so was I. My dad said he saw it too.

 

So there you have it. I'm going to chill this week and focus on work as much as possible..do a little NC and see what happens next.

 

Because of my anger before she called, I realized I have some more work to do in the old anger management class..but I'm not going to beat myself up about it..I'm just getting started.

 

By the way..the zit cleared up.

 

Thanks guys.

 

Chad

[pjammer]

So here's what happened.

 

I called her place at about 3:00 and no answer. Called her cell. Same thing. I was angry because she said just call on Sunday..she'll be around. Anyways, I thought okay I'll wait until 4 oclock. She called. Said she could send her dad over to open up the house because her and her mom were going out. I said to her that I wasn't comfortable with that since I haven't spoken to her dad since we've split and I really respect him a lot.

So she said she'd wait there and if I could come around 4:30 that would be great.

 

We got there and she was there with her mom. I'm glad she had her mom there. She was probably as nervous as I was. It made me feel good. We had a good chat and then I went down to grab some of my stuff from her basement. She came down to and helped me out. I complimented on how great her hair looked and she liked that I think. She said I looked good and that I had lost some weight. I also dressed up nicer than normal and I think she noticed that. D...do women notice those things???

My dad was there too and when she went back up stairs for a second he gave her a hug and a kiss which she really liked.

 

I made a cd for her this weekend and I wasn't sure if I should give it to her or not but at the last second I decided to and just said that I had made a few for myself for work and did one up for her too. I had some new songs I thought she'd like and some bands that I know she likes. I think it was okay.

 

We said our goodbyes..said it was nice to see each other and talk to you later.

 

I'm happy with the outcome. You could see she still cares but she was nervous..and rightfully so...so was I. My dad said he saw it too.

 

So there you have it. I'm going to chill this week and focus on work as much as possible..do a little NC and see what happens next.

 

Because of my anger before she called, I realized I have some more work to do in the old anger management class..but I'm not going to beat myself up about it..I'm just getting started.

 

By the way..the zit cleared up.

 

Thanks guys.

 

Chad

Well Im glad you had a pleasant meeting with her...I hope to do the same when I am ready. Havent seen my g/f for about 5 weeks now, but I am going to give it until early DEC to contact her.

 

Anyway, if you feel it went well, dont call for a few days, unless she calls you. If not, give her a call, and just talk. Dont need to talk about the relationship, just talk - have a nice conversation. This will show her that you ARE working on your 'anger management' issues, and that you have grown as a person.

[Canuck2006]

Thanks for the reply. She still was nervous and keeping her feelings tight so it's going to take a lot of work. I think I'll take your advice or I might send her off a big daisy with a card that just says SMILE..HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND! CHAD"...what do you think about that?

 

Make sure you post here when you go see your gf as well. Thanks.

[Canuck2006]

Question..if she does call, or If I call her...what do you do next? Is it best to just keep talking...maybe until a few more weeks before Christmas?

 

I just don't know the next steps to take.

[Guest]

Hmm..Okay did I ever feel like crap today when I got home. During my lunch

break I was checking my email in Gmail and noticed a green button by her name..it's gmail chat. I said hello how is your day and and she said

"good and thank you for the cd it is nice." she also mentioned that she liked the tracks I put on it and really liked the bonus track. It was tiny dancer by elton john..her favorite song. I told her I thought she might like that and gave her a . So then she said she was starving and was off for lunch and to have a great day.

 

So I came home and slept and when I woke up I was missing her so badly. I don't know if you guys ever get this, but do you have a song stuck in your head sometimes? I've had "warning sign" by cold play all day and it's driving me nuts. Tell me I'm not the only one here that this happens too.

 

She's gone to the city on Thursday until Sunday..I'm not sure what to do when she comes back. My best friend says that I need to tell her my intentions and to start apologizing for the things I've said and done. Anybody think it's too early? How the hell do you initiate something like that?

Thanks guys.

 

Chad

[Canuck2006]

Hmm..Okay did I ever feel like crap today when I got home. During my lunch

break I was checking my email in Gmail and noticed a green button by her name..it's gmail chat. I said hello how is your day and and she said

"good and thank you for the cd it is nice." she also mentioned that she liked the tracks I put on it and really liked the bonus track. It was tiny dancer by elton john..her favorite song. I told her I thought she might like that and gave her a . So then she said she was starving and was off for lunch and to have a great day.

So I came home and slept and when I woke up I was missing her so badly. I don't know if you guys ever get this, but do you have a song stuck in your head sometimes? I've had "warning sign" by cold play all day and it's driving me nuts. Tell me I'm not the only one here that this happens too.

She's gone to the city on Thursday until Sunday..I'm not sure what to do when she comes back. My best friend says that I need to tell her my intentions and to start apologizing for the things I've said and done. Anybody think it's too early? How the hell do you initiate something like that?

Thanks guys.

Chad