Unsure of being "promised"

[sarah05]

Hi guys, I'm new to the forums and wanted to share with you a few things. I am a 19 year old sophomore at a local university and my boyfriend (19 also) works constantly. We met when his sister (my manager) decided to introduce us last September. We have been together since. In February, he gave me ,what i thought, was a promise ring. I told him it was too soon and I will place it on my right ring finger. He was fine with that. But after our one year anniversary of being together he talked of getting me a promise ring. I was confused and asked him "Why? you already gave me one." He said that it was a Valentine's Day gift and I would be getting another one.

 

Now its been a couple of months and still no ring. But we had gone and looked at engagement rings for the fun of it. The ring I want is one of my dream rings. It will cost him $6,000 to get. He says he's saving for it but he's a car guy and dips into it for car parts. Its only happened once but I fear for my ring.

 

I still have 2 1/2 years left of college and I wanted to wait and get married after graduation. But I secretly want a ring to keep my "spirits" up for the marriage. We have even talked of getting engaged in the next year and married at the end of my junior year.

 

Am I crazy or what? Should I just enjoy dating or have a ring placed on my finger for comfort? Please don't be afraid to tell it like it is. Your responses will be apprecitated.

[norajane]

Am I crazy or what? Should I just enjoy dating or have a ring placed on my finger for comfort? Please don't be afraid to tell it like it is. Your responses will be apprecitated.

 

Ok then. Yep, you're crazy. You're way too focused on the ring. You already have one. He says he's going to get you another one. And you want a $6000 engagement ring from a 19 year old guy.

 

You've only known each other a little over a year, and you're already deciding to be life partners and wanting expensive rings...chill out. You've got plenty of time. If you love each other that much, it'll keep.

[amaysngrace]

When I got engaged the first time, I wanted the ring very badly. To me it symbolized the commitment and deep feelings the guy had for me.

 

But basically, it was due to my own insecurities. I needed the affirmation and reassurance. Because I wasn't quite right inside.

 

Needless to say, I got the ring but my mindset hadn't changed.

[ShoeGirl]

You are 19... you have been dating for a little more than a year... don't worry about the ring or when you get it. Focus on school and on your relationship with this guy, not on getting married. Make sure you really want to marry him.

 

Just something to think about... I am 20, dated a guy for 2.5 years, everything was great we were going to get married in 2 years when we were done with undergrad... I found out that he was bisexual and cheated on me with a guy... something I never thought would have happened. I am not saying your bf will do the same, this is an extreme example, but think about how much you don't know about him, a year is hardly long enough to get to know everything about someone.

[magichands]

But I secretly want a ring to keep my "spirits" up for the marriage.

I agree. Without the ring, there is always the possibility of being dumped out of the blue.

 

Nobody dumps someone they have invested $6000 into.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Question: What promise are you talking about, Sarah05?

 

There is no promise. The only promise, your boyfriend, is giving you right now is the relationship. This is the foundation for all future prospects.

 

The entire post, was about the promise and ring.

 

You never, mentioned, anything about your boyfriend's personality and the compatibility factor. Having not discussed any of the above -suggests that you are way too comfortable in the relationship.

 

In addition, it seems, the relationship has reached a contagious and thrilling climax in your mind. In fact, this is where the alarms should already be firing.

 

I recommend, you think about the value and quality of the relationship.

 

There is plenty of time to establish a timetable for the future. You, and your boyfriend should worry about other things in life -rather than focusing on marriage.

 

I assure you, there are surprising changes waiting ahead.

 

Enjoy your youth, and each bright day that comes your way.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[Trialbyfire]

Think about it this way. He wanted to get you a nice ring but you've increased the level of expectation to $6000 when you're both 19 and he's already working constantly. It might be worthwhile to lower the expectation level from dream ring to acceptably nice ring, even if this is going to be an engagement ring. Food for thought. Good luck.

[Walk]

Seriously, $6,000! Holy cow. I wouldn't wear that thing anywhere. I'd lock it in a vault and only take it out to stare at it and immediatly lock it back up.

 

Is that something you would wear every day? Every day I hear of someone losing their ring, seeing "lost ring" posters in the hallways at college right now. You sure your "dream" ring is going to translate into reality?

 

Besides, this is a symbol of his love, not "how much can you take him for".

 

Go with something small and inexpensive (compared to 6000) and then save that goal for a 10 year anniversary or something. Something to look forward to in time.

 

If you can't go without, then you should pay the difference between what he wanted to get you and what you want.

[bab]

Why in the world would someone spend $6000 on a ring that isn't even an engagment ring???? That doesn't make ANY sense. I think that's a crazy amount even for an engagement ring, much less a promise ring. Don't have him waste the money. When he's ready to propose AND he can afford it, have him buy the ring, but my goodness, what will you be expecting when he does propose???

[magichands]

The ring I want is one of my dream rings.

Try to keep up, guys. This is just to put the relationship on a solid footing. It will take more than one $6000 ring to earn her trust.

[Grrlish]

Think about it this way. He wanted to get you a nice ring but you've increased the level of expectation to $6000 when you're both 19 and he's already working constantly. It might be worthwhile to lower the expectation level from dream ring to acceptably nice ring, even if this is going to be an engagement ring. Food for thought. Good luck.

 

$6,000.

 

That really is a lot of pressure for a 19 year old guy. Probably scared the crap out of him. He probably thinks you have off-the-charts champagne taste and he has a beer budget.

 

And don't forget, YOU are the one who told him that you already have a ring. So I'm sure he believes that you're happy with the one you have, and rightly so based on what you said about already having a ring AND picking out a $6,000 engagement ring!

 

Did you really interpret his Valentine's Day gift as a promise of marriage? At your age and after only a few months? And even though he didn't tell you it was a promise ring? Why would you interpret such a gift as a promise-for-marriage ring?

 

Hon, you need to focus on school and not worry so much about getting married so soon. And get some economic/financial perspective.

 

I hate to break it to you: If he's a 'car guy' (which I'm interpreting as a mechanic or body work tech), then he's probably never going to make a ton of money. This is not an insult...an ex-boyfriend of mine is a mechanic...it's just a fact.

 

I'm 41 and my boyfriend is 45. We both have college degrees and good jobs. He owns his own home (in an area of a state - California - where homes prices are well out of proportion to salaries). I would pee my pants if he gave me a $6,000 engagement ring.

 

However: Good luck to you on getting something soon that makes you pee your pants.