Can you fall back in love?

[Guest]

If you have ever fallen out of love with significant other.........the infamous, love you but not in love with you.........how many feel you can get it back? how many say, once spark is gone, its gone.............just curious..........and any related comments on subject welcome too.....

[Ladyjane14]

Yes.. I think it really IS possible to fall back in love with your mate. Granted, it's never the same as the 'weak-in-the-knees' infatuation stage... but long-lasting love has it's own merits, and rivals anything that infatuation has to offer, IMO.

 

After having worked through some serious issues in my own marriage, I really do think it's Resentment that sometimes holds us back. It's like a plug in a dam, our love for our mate can't get past it. But once you've removed the resentment, the love can flow.

 

Love is a choice. And sometimes we have to choose to actively love our mate. We can't hold onto previous transgressions and effectively get the job done, right?

 

Is it you or your partner who's not feeling that loving feeling?

[PCB]

When you talk about love, do you mean "the passion, butterflies"? Or do you mean the true love: the warm, constant, selfless and encouraging feeling to the SO that makes you strong and happy, and makes the SO the center of your life?

 

I never was in such a situation, so I wouldn't know if it's possible. I have no idea about the butterflies. But I belive that the true love (that warm feeling) is a concious effor, and if both parties want to get it back, then I think they can: work on the relationship, care about one another, try to find way to make the other person happy.

[luvtoto]

I don't think that you can. Once you move on from your SO, either through divorce or breakup, some people usually find that they like the person they have become by being out of the relationship.

 

In order to go back or fall back in love, they would then need to go back to being the old them.

 

That would be difficult, if at all possible.

[silktricks]

Absolutely I believe that you can fall back in love again, not only the warm loving feeling, but also the butterflies, passionate, can't wait to be together feeling. I've done it, so I know that it can happen.

[quankanne]

falling "in and out" of love isn't love – it's infatuation. Love changes not when change it faces ... or something the Bard said like that.

 

relationships aren't always in any one given state, feelings for each other ebb and flow, including love, attraction, dislike, hate, antipathy, etc. How you feel about someone is almost always directly tied into what is going on with y'all at a given time.

 

I think in this whole time I've been married, I've experienced just about every kind of feeling for my husband, including including being "in love" with. I think the longer you stay in a relationship, you learn to put your trust in what the base of that relationship is, rather than emotional responses at certain points. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of choked-to-death husbands out there :p

[Guest]

Yes.. I think it really IS possible to fall back in love with your mate. Granted, it's never the same as the 'weak-in-the-knees' infatuation stage... but long-lasting love has it's own merits, and rivals anything that infatuation has to offer, IMO.

 

After having worked through some serious issues in my own marriage, I really do think it's Resentment that sometimes holds us back. It's like a plug in a dam, our love for our mate can't get past it. But once you've removed the resentment, the love can flow.

 

Love is a choice. And sometimes we have to choose to actively love our mate. We can't hold onto previous transgressions and effectively get the job done, right?

 

Is it you or your partner who's not feeling that loving feeling?

 

 

I have heard that love is a choice, but it sure does not feel like it. But I can agree that resentment has to do with it.

 

It is me the husband that has lost the loving feeling. And I am not confusing this with butterflys or infatuation. I just dont love her. I would rather spend time with myself then with her. I just feel worn down over the years and dont feel like I have anything left. I have a big decision to make after xmas because I have a rental property that I can move to.

 

I have never been the impulsive type so I have thought about this decision for several years. It is by far the toughest thing I am going through. Maybe being alone will wake me up.

[ladibird]

I am having this problem too only I do love my husband lots but just not in love with him any more my feeling have drifted and I have changed (mine haven't been going on anywhere near as long as yours) This has lead me to be unfaithful which I never thought I would never do and now i'm even more confused... So I,m not sure if you can get back what you have lost, since putting a post on here everyone has told me to try councelling which I never really thought of doing.

Have you tried it?

Do you still fancy your wife ?

Have you been tempted to stray?

I think people forget it's hard for the person who leaves too..

Good luck

[Trialbyfire]

I have heard that love is a choice, but it sure does not feel like it. But I can agree that resentment has to do with it.

 

It is me the husband that has lost the loving feeling. And I am not confusing this with butterflys or infatuation. I just dont love her. I would rather spend time with myself then with her. I just feel worn down over the years and dont feel like I have anything left. I have a big decision to make after xmas because I have a rental property that I can move to.

 

I have never been the impulsive type so I have thought about this decision for several years. It is by far the toughest thing I am going through. Maybe being alone will wake me up.

It sounds like you've thought this out clearly and appear to be a candidate for a separation.

[Guest]

I am having this problem too only I do love my husband lots but just not in love with him any more my feeling have drifted and I have changed (mine haven't been going on anywhere near as long as yours) This has lead me to be unfaithful which I never thought I would never do and now i'm even more confused... So I,m not sure if you can get back what you have lost, since putting a post on here everyone has told me to try councelling which I never really thought of doing.

Have you tried it?

Do you still fancy your wife ?

Have you been tempted to stray?

I think people forget it's hard for the person who leaves too..

Good luck

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this to. On these type boards you usually hear mostly about the pain of people being left or people being cheated on. And I am not by any means diminishing that pain. However, being in my situation is very emotionally painful too. I wish I could take a pill and love my wife again. I would do it in a heartbeat.

 

When I say I dont love my wife it applies only to us being a couple. I love her for the memories, being a great mom, a great person, etc. I do not feel connected as a husband should be to his wife romantically. And it is so hard to think of going through life without it. Now in past I get responses to this as if I am being unrealistic as if I am looking for that high school crush feeling. Anyway....

 

Have I tempted to stray.....yes. Learned that is not way to go. But I tell you what, leaving without anyone else lined up is difficult and scary. But I do think it is the best way.

 

Ohh, and have tried counciling........learned it may help, but you will get different answer depending on the individual. And they can be 180 degrees from each other. Plus, to me, it still comes down to me making a decision.

 

Good luck to you.....wish you well.

[Guest]

Well I hope this kind of helps, I and my g/f have been together for 4 years, no we are not married but we plan to get married. a couple of months back she gave me that speech I love you but im not IN LOVE with you..blah blah blah. This wasn't because she was bored of me, I put her through a-lot. So she called it off and I thought it was completely over, she told me there wasn't a chance at all that we would be back together. I wanted her back so badly, I was going crazy, I started to be the old me again, no not changing my ways or being someone I wasn't;

 

I just wasn't myself for a very long time, so we took a break, I got to get intouch with myself. IDK, but she would tell me she wanted to be alone but her actions told me what she was really feeling. its very complicated but a couple of months after she left her feelings seemed to resurface and it kinda felt like when we first met, she had the glow in her smile and everything seemed to fall back into place, we eventually got back together aftera couple of months and decided to work things out and see were they would go.

 

To my knowledge things have been going pretty good. After a while she told me that her feelings were growing for me and that it started to feel the way it use to, that she was starting to fall for me. Somehow the flame is still alive after 4 years, through all the ups and downs. I guess it depends on your situation, I think couples can fall back in love but even if they do it is not always the same; I'm happy things are working out but it isn't the same and we have alot to work on maybe one day everything that is missing will come into place.

[ladibird]

I feel like that about my H, he is a fantasic dad & husband but it doesn't seem enough as if we both want different things, I think it's so brave to admit that you feel the way you do as so many people go through life like nodding dogs and just existing.

I don't believe it should be like that and I know I would approach life very different if I did end up alone again and you probably will. (life is what you make it.)

I have only recently been able to say out loud how I really feel. I remember someone asking me earlier in the year, "Do you never just get bored and want to get away" I said "no not at all" when deep down I probably wanted to say "oh yes" it was my H's sister so probably why I held back.

But a few years ago we'd always said we wanted two kids so even when I had my little boy last year. I have been agreeing with H "yes we'll have another baby so the ages are close together" but deep down I didn't want anymore. I just got stuck in this life that was already mapped out for me. I finally said "listen I don't want any more kids, I want to sell the house for a smaller house so we have more money to have a better life, I want a better career" In other words I want a different life and life style from the one I have. This may sound selfish but he can either come with me and see if we can work it out or we go our seperate ways. WOW where did all that come from it's so easy to put it in text.

Your really lucky you were strong enough to resist the temptation of straying. I felt like this before I strayed. It was only a few weeks ago when I cheated a couple of times and it's made everything worse in my head. I now wish I hadn't met him, although I enjoyed the thrill it wasn't really worth it. My head is more messed now than ever, as I can't get the other man out my head, whats even more strange is he's not my normal type. I think it's the sinario that he is also married and you always want what you can't have.

It will take a while for you to adjust to a life on your own again but you will and your wife will too. But I know it's heart renching knowing your going to hurt people you don't want too.

I also think it's better you have noone to go to. If I split I know it will be extremley hard at first but I want to find me as a whole and not part a partnership, enjoy my own company and not depend on anyone else and enjoy the freedom of not needing to consult a soul on what I do or where I go....

I hope I didn't babble to much and I wish you all the best in what you do..

[Guest]

I feel like that about my H, he is a fantasic dad & husband but it doesn't seem enough as if we both want different things, I think it's so brave to admit that you feel the way you do as so many people go through life like nodding dogs and just existing.

I don't believe it should be like that and I know I would approach life very different if I did end up alone again and you probably will. (life is what you make it.)

I have only recently been able to say out loud how I really feel. I remember someone asking me earlier in the year, "Do you never just get bored and want to get away" I said "no not at all" when deep down I probably wanted to say "oh yes" it was my H's sister so probably why I held back.

But a few years ago we'd always said we wanted two kids so even when I had my little boy last year. I have been agreeing with H "yes we'll have another baby so the ages are close together" but deep down I didn't want anymore. I just got stuck in this life that was already mapped out for me. I finally said "listen I don't want any more kids, I want to sell the house for a smaller house so we have more money to have a better life, I want a better career" In other words I want a different life and life style from the one I have. This may sound selfish but he can either come with me and see if we can work it out or we go our seperate ways. WOW where did all that come from it's so easy to put it in text.

Your really lucky you were strong enough to resist the temptation of straying. I felt like this before I strayed. It was only a few weeks ago when I cheated a couple of times and it's made everything worse in my head. I now wish I hadn't met him, although I enjoyed the thrill it wasn't really worth it. My head is more messed now than ever, as I can't get the other man out my head, whats even more strange is he's not my normal type. I think it's the sinario that he is also married and you always want what you can't have.

It will take a while for you to adjust to a life on your own again but you will and your wife will too. But I know it's heart renching knowing your going to hurt people you don't want too.

I also think it's better you have noone to go to. If I split I know it will be extremley hard at first but I want to find me as a whole and not part a partnership, enjoy my own company and not depend on anyone else and enjoy the freedom of not needing to consult a soul on what I do or where I go....

I hope I didn't babble to much and I wish you all the best in what you do..

 

 

Ladibird:

 

First, I understand your situation so well. Thanks for the comments, it always helps to hear someone who can understand. It is not an easy situation as I have probably headed in this directions since my mid thirties.

Also, not sure if I mentioned, we met in high school, so being married so young before you know what you even want in a woman makes it even tougher.

 

I did want to clarify about the temptation. I have strayed, not just tempted. It was around three years ago. And I really liked the woman, it was not just a screw. But unless your single, it may feel good in the short run, feelings get involved, and it will hurt in the long run. As you said, it messes with your mind.

 

Your comments about enjoying my own company and not depending on anyone else struck a cord for some reason. I guess because, I have thought of that before and see it as a hard and scary road, but something keeps tugging me in that direction. I got married so young I never got to experience that for myself.

 

Anyway, babble all you want, I enjoyed reading your post............and good luck to you to in figuring out what you want to do......

[ladibird]

I did babble another reply but got timed out as I left it with out posting it. I never knew it did that. (I have been on one these forum things before the other day)

So I really can't type all that again so tell me.

Have you told your wife who you've been with for approx 25yrs (guess) how you feel ?

I'm not cheeky I won't ask your age..

If you have what has she said and how did she react?

When I told H he was gutted and couldn't eat for two days later. He also text me and said his life wouldn't be worth living without me (figure of speach I'm sure). No pressure on me then hey.

So whats your story? Did your fling guide you in the direction what your heading although your not going to be with her?

I think it's amazing you,ve been with your wife so long I didn't have a long term relationship until I was 22 and that was rubbish.

I can never see me getting married again, telling someone I'll be with them for life. My beliefs have changed but who knows what the future holds.

Keep me posted.....

[ladibird]

(I have been on one these forum things before the other day)quote]

 

I have not been on one of these forum things upto the other day, I was meant say......

[Guest]

I did babble another reply but got timed out as I left it with out posting it. I never knew it did that. (I have been on one these forum things before the other day)

So I really can't type all that again so tell me.

Have you told your wife who you've been with for approx 25yrs (guess) how you feel ?

I'm not cheeky I won't ask your age..

If you have what has she said and how did she react?

When I told H he was gutted and couldn't eat for two days later. He also text me and said his life wouldn't be worth living without me (figure of speach I'm sure). No pressure on me then hey.

So whats your story? Did your fling guide you in the direction what your heading although your not going to be with her?

I think it's amazing you,ve been with your wife so long I didn't have a long term relationship until I was 22 and that was rubbish.

I can never see me getting married again, telling someone I'll be with them for life. My beliefs have changed but who knows what the future holds.

Keep me posted.....

 

Yes, I have told wife the way I feel. I remember the day I finally told her that I was serious enough to leave. It was like it finally opened her eyes. This was about a year ago. I was ready to leave, this was like in sept or oct, and she asked if I would stay until school was out. I said ok, seems reasonable, and when it came time I chickened out and said I would work on marriage. She cried of course when I first revealed that I didnt see us growing old together. She actually has turned to religion more...bible study , etc. She also has treated me very well. I told her please not to as it makes me feel guilty that here I am thinking of leaving and she is doing all these nice things. She said not to feel that way, she just made a decision that she will treat me like she feels a wife should. This has made it a little more difficult, however, I am still leaning towards separation.

 

But as a side note, years before I came to my decision I was basically pleading with wife that I needed some changes.....some emotional needs that were not being met (thats what i have heard them called). I bought books, talked, initiated counciling, etc. For whatever reason, it went in one ear and out the other. I have asked her in recent times, WHY? why did you not hear me.......she can only say she understands and can only apologize. And I am not painting a rosey picture of myself, I am sure there are many things I have done wrong. If I had to summarize, I just feel that I met her needs fairly well, and it just so happened that I had needs that went unmet. Plus, we got married so young.........there is some element of being more friends then lovers........growing in different directions, etc......

 

Did my fling guide me in the direction I am going? Hmmm......I think I was headed there anyway. I think it did point out to me what characteristics I like in a woman now and maybe it opened up some yearning (although it was already there) of the what ifs..........having a partner i really love, one i can laugh with, play sports with, etc.....

 

Yea, not much pressure on you with husbands' comments....ha. Just a little more pressure on your shoulders. And yes, been with wife long time.........

 

I have thought the same as you....that I would not get married again. I have tried to figure this whole marriage/relationship thing out. Read many a website such as this one. You have your obligations of vows, personality differences, getting married young, children to consider, stay for the sake of kids, when to leave a marriage.........what I am getting at, there are so many different viewpoints of what you should or shouldnt do.......it gets overwhelming.......anyway, now I am babbling......

 

Keep me posted on your situation also.......

[ladibird]

First of all I'm just going to say I'm not on my PC all the time but at this moment in time it gives me agood distraction plus I am searching new jobs.

Well my update is I told H on Saturday night I couldn't go on like we where I'm only 30 and I need to sort things out, I do love him but not like that and even counciling can't sort out the pysical side of things..

So we had a bit of a disagreement but we hardly ever fall out. due money circumstances I can't leave yet so we agreed to leave it till after xmas.

I'm not as patient as you once I make my mind up about something I have to act, I see my parents marry for 25 yrs then split and I'm not for that.

I told him I want to stay good friends, I know that hardly works but I'm going to try my hardest for us and the little one. So I just now have to making sure he knows I'm not going to change my mind.

I also tolt him that if I didn't do this I would end up bitter towards him and he would end up hating me and I really don't want that.

I too have see a whole different person in myself and in what I want from man and I will never rush things again. If or should I say when (i'm in no rush)I meet someone else I am going to date and do all the fun things for as long as possible. keep it exciting and leave he serious stuff till I definately know it's right.

So after Christmas is when the tough stuff starts but although I sometimes question now am I doing the right thing I know I can't back down as I feel like have started the ball rolling and it's my time do what I want, I just wish I didn't have to hurt people on the way.

 

I also keep saying in my head this time next year we will be ok and settled into our new lives...wether I make the wrong move or not..

So wish me luck

[Guest]

I have heard that love is a choice, but it sure does not feel like it. But I can agree that resentment has to do with it.

 

It is me the husband that has lost the loving feeling. And I am not confusing this with butterflys or infatuation. I just dont love her. I would rather spend time with myself then with her. I just feel worn down over the years and dont feel like I have anything left. I have a big decision to make after xmas because I have a rental property that I can move to.

 

I have never been the impulsive type so I have thought about this decision for several years. It is by far the toughest thing I am going through. Maybe being alone will wake me up.

 

what resentment....what has she done? what has she not done? what are some things you would change. where is this comming from? did she cheat? not much here to go on except that you are not in love with her anymore. do you have children? how many? have you seaked help elsewhere? have you talk to a professonal?

 

if you have not then why not give it a shot? how long have you be married? rember love his not with your head it is with your heart!!! can you see yourself without her? have you ever been seperated from her and know how it feels? is it that you have found someone else? have you cheated? lots of things could cause a relationship to go sour but the big picture is that you must see the hole picture cause when you make that final step 9 times out of ten that is final. if you dont love her why is it so tough??