Guest Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 We have been married 23 years I'm 49 he's 43. We've had our up and downs but mostly have had a wonderful marrage. About 6 months ago he was showing me a picture on his cell phone and I saw a picture of a co-worker. Later I checked his cell phone and sure enough there were several pictures of her with a low cut shirt on looking down the shirt. Got his e-mail password and started checking nothing out of the ordinary but he had sent the pictures from this cell phone to the e-mail. A few months later her and her husband went sailing they said they would send us pictures (we all work together) (I never saw any) in checking his e-mail I saw she sent my husband pictures of her on the sail boat. My husband and her were working on the same project. So there were phone call on his personel cell to her work number. I found a note in his bag bout couldn't wait to be with her and knew she felt the same way and wanted to make love to her every day. There was no name on the note and was not signed and it was crumpled up (like maybe he was just putting feeling on paper). I made a copy of the note and put it back. I also made copies of the pictures. Than confronted him the first part of Sept. He said they were just pictures and didn't mean anything. And that he didn't write the note. He said that he loved me and I had nothing to worry about. He is home all the time. We work for the same company and car pool. He golfs on Sundays with guys I work with than comes straight home. So I know nothing physical is going on. A week later we went on vacation it was wonderful we spent the whole time together with the family. He held me every night and made plans for the future. Some friends of ours broke up and we talked about liying and cheating and he thinks that cheaters are scum. And he always says why lie. A good friend of his had a girlfriend move in with him and wanted her to leave. He ask my husband what he should do. H said you should set her down and be honest with her and tell her would want her to leave. A week after we got back from vacation pops called and his sister found out that her husband of 8 years was texting and calling and had feelings for (nothing physical) her friends daughter that had been on vacation with us (The vacation was like a family reunion). H called and talked to her he was so understanding they were going to try and work things out. Our situation came up again he still denied anything was going on I said I never said it was physical its emotional. He said he was getting tired of having to defend himself cause he wasn't doing anything. About a month later sister called said she had a feeling check the cell bill and h was still call the girl so she ended it. My husband sent him a msg how could you do this to my sister, what did she do to you for you to treat her like this, you should be a man an take care of her, etc. I check our cell bill and found that he had called her while we were on vacation the day we left three time while on vacation and the day after we got back. This month's bill he work a night shift on Sat night he left the house just before 2:00 he had call her right after he left they talked 25 min. She called him at 7:12 pm for 12 min again at 7:38 for 13 minutes. He called her at 10:04pm 1 min, she called him back at 10:05pm for 17 min. I was so furious if I would have seen him I would have left right there. (her husband left for work in Oct and will be back in Dec). I wasn't going to say anything cause when I got home he gave he kiss n hug and ask how was my day. Later I ask a question bout his plans for the next day casue he had mentioned golfing and getting his car serviced (he was off) he made a snide remark and so I ask him not to lie to me that I needed the truth and ask about the phone calls. He got pissed said that he had enough of this **** and was tired of defending himself cause he wasn't doing anything that he was going to pack his stuff and be gone when I got home from work the next day. After he calmed we talked of course he explained it all away. He said they were just friend an he knew if he called her when I was around on vacation I would be pissed I said he looked to me like he was hiding thing when he did that. He said do you think if I something to hide I would use my cell? (his friend did that). He said that the calls on Sat he was venting cause sometimes he can't talk to me. Than she call him cause her daughter had let a friend borrow her car and she wrecked it. And she was venting bout her husband. He said we are just friends and nothing more. I ask him how he would feel if he found pictures of a guy on cell phone, if there were phone call and text msg from the same guy. He said he wouldn't bother him cause he trusts me, he knows where I am every night. He says he loves me and doesn't know what he needs to do to convience me that nothing is going on. He offered to break off the friendship but I think he would just sneak around and still be friends I would rather it be in the open. I am fine for a few weeks than something else comes up and he explains it away. I don't know what to do or think anymore. I know if I keep bringing it up it will push him further away. Also when I mention something like the picture he deleted them from his e-mail got rid of the note. Now I'm sure he will not use his cell to call her. I have been praying like never before. I have a great friend that has the spirit and has been helping me but she is retiring next week. In the mean time this is driving me crazy. If anyone has any suggestion I would appreciate the input. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 This doesn't sound good at all. Especially the note in his bag. How did he say that got there if he didn't write it? Was it his handwriting? Of course he is going to say he wouldn't mind you having a male friend, he is deflecting attention off himself and trying to make you feel guilty for questioning him. You are stuck between a rock and a hard spot. If you let it go, it could turn into a full blown affair. If you stand your ground and demand he stop talking with her, he may choose her over you. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, would you rather be alone and happy or with him and worried, paranoid, betrayed, etc.? If I were you, I'd tell him this relationship is inappropriate, you will not tolerate it in your marriage, and you want to go to counseling. If he refuses and leaves, at least you have your answer about where his loyalties are and you can move on. If he agrees, get counseling and look into moving jobs. I'd also email or call the other woman and tell her to stop the relationship with your H. Speaking as someone who had an EA, he will do anything to protect this other relationship and the OW. You have to be strong and assertive. He will do anything and everything to make you feel crazy and responsible. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. Emo Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 I agree with Pink. Also, please read this article. I think it may help you feel more comfortable w/your feelings...http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscheating/0,,fmdx-2,00.html "He said they were just friend an he knew if he called her when I was around on vacation I would be pissed" **If he knew this would really upset you, then why did he still do it? "He said that the calls on Sat he was venting cause sometimes he can't talk to me." That is emotional infidelity. You are his wife and he should make the effort to talk to you, not share personal issues with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 Something doesn't sound right. If he wasn't trying to hide something, he would have talked to her when you were around. I would call and talk to her, then while I was still on the phone with her, just before saying goodbye, I would call him to tell him about the call. You might find that the stories are exactly the same or conflict. Hopefully she would still be in shock and not have emailed or IM'd him during your call with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 If he knows it bothers you, he shouldn't OFFER to break off the friendship, he should just DO it. If he has nothing to hide, then he has nothing to sneak around for, especially since you already knew about the friendship, and he had already explained himself. Dont torture yourself by hanging around and asking for answers you already know. Assume you already know the truth, and then make plans from there, don't ask him anymore. He has already shown he is being devious, even just by talking to her behind your back, friend or not, and so you know that he cannot reassure you, whatever he says. As I said, assume the answer, and make plans on that knowledge, it will save you alot of confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 First off, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine how hard it must be. A friend of mine did much the same thing you did, and definately found some explicit photos she'd rather not have seen. As it turns out, she found her hubby's profile on adultfriendfinder.com, and had to end her marriage. Sad. Your husband seems the type that he wants his cake and eat it, too. He's got you, the wifey, who knows him better then anyone, who has stuck beside him through good times and bad, whom his family loves, etc. But, he also wants the young mistress who can fufill his more immediate desires. After all, this way he gets two women who want him, and he also gets the secondary pleasure of out-smarting you (or so he thinks) so that he can keep leading this double life. Not fair at all! What I would do in your place is to hire a PI for a month or so, just to see what he/she could turn up. That way you'd have professional photographic evidence (personally, the photos of the camera down her cleavage would have been enough proof for me) and you don't have to worry about involving co-workers, friends, or family in "spying" on him for you. Usually, those mutual people end up tattling on one or the other, or otherwise getting involved, and just ruins things. This guy really thinks he's slick, and once you have your proof, you can drop the divorce bomb shell on him and pretty much take whatever you want from your mutual estate with out a fight. Sorry if you think I'm a bit sharkish about these things. I saw what my mom had to go through with my dad. She wanted to be "nice" about things. She wanted to "trust him, because he's a good person." And...she's been single for over 20 years. Just something to think about...good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 This doesn't sound good at all. Especially the note in his bag. How did he say that got there if he didn't write it? Was it his handwriting? He leaves his bag sitting by his locker he said anyone could have put it there which is true but it was his handwriting. And why would anyone do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 "He said they were just friend an he knew if he called her when I was around on vacation I would be pissed" **If he knew this would really upset you, then why did he still do it? They were working on the same project. He talked to the person filling in for him and he said he called her to get the rest of the story. "He said that the calls on Sat he was venting cause sometimes he can't talk to me." That is emotional infidelity. You are his wife and he should make the effort to talk to you, not share personal issues with another woman. I told him the same thing that I'm always here for him that he can tell me anything. He said that they talk about people at work and work related stuff and sometimes she talks about her husband. I ask why she can't talk to her friends about her husband. His response was she can't trust them. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 What I would do in your place is to hire a PI for a month or so, just to see what he/she could turn up. That way you'd have professional photographic evidence (personally, the photos of the camera down her cleavage would have been enough proof for me) and you don't have to worry about involving co-workers, friends, or family in "spying" on him for you. Just something to think about...good luck
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