What is the cornerstone of M?

[NoIDidn't]

I wanted to ask this because over on the OW/OM forum, it seems they mostly think its love and sex there.

 

I am not saying that either of those isn't an important part, but I personally don't think M starts with love and continues because of regular sex.

 

I think that the cornerstones of M are COMMITMENT and RESPECT. I don't think a R of any type can endure without these two.

 

Anybody else?

[quankanne]

respect, loyalty, honor, love ... the sex is just a nice bonus while it lasts!

 

unfortunately, we've created expectations based on fairy tales about sex as the be-all, end-all of a relationship. Yes, it's fun and exciting and wonderful, but its end goal is procreation.

 

sex only makes up a nth of marriage, as Alpha pointed out in another thread. So if you're relying on it to be the bedrock of a marriage, you need to brace yourself for a big disappointment because it doesn't happen 24/7 (unfortunately!).

[Pink_Tulip]

Interesting question. I would have to say love is primary. I can't respect my H if I don't love him. When we were going through our issues and I had so much anger and resentment toward him, I didn't feel I loved him anymore, and I certainly didn't respect him or feel like I owed him any sort of commitment b/c I felt he betrayed that committment to me, if that makes sense.

 

I don't know that sex is primary, but from my own experience and from what I have seen here and other message boards, it certainly helps quite a bit. I rarely see men say they are cheating or thinking of cheating on their wives whom they have tons of great sex with regularly. It seems to me, that men are pretty easy going for the most part, and can tolerate us crazy women as long as they are getting sex regularly. When you take that away, all of a sudden, the other issues are magnified. JMO.

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks ladies. Guys, where are you?

 

I do agree that sex is immensely important during the first 20 years or so (depending on health), but I think entirely too much emphasis is put on it sometimes.

 

I think commitment and respect encompass loyalty and fidelity. When one is committed, they are loyal and faithful (which are almost synonymous, when you think about it).

 

Keep it coming.

[silktricks]

I think:

 

love, respect, loyalty, honesty, shared interests and of course fidelity are all important. The degree that sex is important is very much tied up with the people. Some people simply do not have that great a sex drive and if two people of that nature are married, then it may not be that important. For many, if not most, however, sex is extremely important - for far longer than 20 years (unless you didn't get married until you were about 65!!)

[NearlyThere]

I wanted to ask this because over on the OW/OM forum, it seems they mostly think its love and sex there.

 

I am not saying that either of those isn't an important part, but I personally don't think M starts with love and continues because of regular sex.

 

I think that the cornerstones of M are COMMITMENT and RESPECT. I don't think a R of any type can endure without these two.

 

Anybody else?

 

I have to say that I sort of agree and disagree with you. I respectfully disagree because I dont think that the OW/OM forum is mostly about love & sex, I have certainly never got that vibe anyway.

 

I also think that love is a very important part, not neccessarily saying the words but showing in your actions that you do still love this person, that they mean as much to you now as they did when you first met them, surely once you stop doing this it leads to the "taking for granted" syndrome. IMO

 

I agree with the fact there is more to a marriage or a long term relationship than just love and sex, let me quote to you what I was quoted as to why he was not happy in his M. Obviously he might have been lying however they seem to tie in with what your saying. There was no respect, no love, no caring, no sharing of thoughts, desires aspirations, no intimacy or sex, felt only used for money, being ignored, feeling worthless, ridiculed.

 

This is what Widipedia says as a defintion for fidelity, "In modern human relationship , the term can refer to sexual monogamy. In western culture this often means adherence to marriage vows, or of promises of exclusivity or monogamy, and a lack of adultery. However, some people do not equate fidelity in personal relationships with sexual or emotional monogamy, eg polyamory.

 

Therefore completely turning this on its head, if people feel that fidelity (as in sexual monogamy above) is such an important thing, which i'm not saying is not, then surely sex has to be an important thing as well because the two go hand in hand, unless we are then getting into the realms of Emotional Infidelity Just asking a question here btw, not having a go at anyone, just interested in peoples thoughts.

[JamesM]

Since you asked for THE cornerstone, that implies one thing is the basis.

 

And I believe that you say it right...commitment. But you cannot have commitment without love. We need to define the deeper meaning of love.

 

Love is more than a feeling...it is a choice, decision, or commitment that is based on the initial attraction and feelings of love, respect, and physical attraction we have for an individual. If we base our marriage just on the feelings of love and the physical desires of sex, we will fail. We must go deeper and build the marriage on the kind of love that says, I made a decision to commit myself to you becaquse as I have gotten to know you, I see so many thigs that I admire, love and respect. I also know that as I get to know you, there will be things that I do not like. But we both have committed our love and fidelity to one another. This decision does not fluctuate with eelings. No, it will stay steady. When the feelings of love grow dim due to anger or frustration, then my commitment to you is the same. And when the mask of anger disappear, those feelings will again appear.

 

I believe that without commitment as the basis for marriage, it will fail when the feelings of love grow weak The assumption will be that since there is no feelings, then there is no love. And since love has left, it can never return. And if it cannot return, then our marriage has failed.

 

However, if commitment is the basis, then when those feelings grow weak, both partners will know that "although we don't feel love today, we can bring it back with actions of love."

[Jersey Shortie]

For men its porn. For women its love.

[Moose]

For men its porn. For women its love.

That's quite the generalization isn't it??

 

'cornerstone'

 

n 1: the fundamental assumptions from which something is begun or developed or calculated or explained; "the whole argument rested on a basis of conjecture"

 

My immediate thought was God.

 

Secondly was Mrs. Moose.

 

Mrs. Moose's immediate thought was God.

 

Secondly was Mr. Moose.

 

Our opinion happens to be who better to base it on but the creator of marriage and the participants in it?

[JamesM]

My immediate thought was God.

 

Mrs. Moose's immediate thought was God.

 

Very good observations.

 

Secondly was Mrs. Moose.

 

Secondly was Mr. Moose.

 

So which one of you IS the cornerstone of my marriage?

[Moose]

So which one of you IS the cornerstone of mymarriage?

Hmmm, Great observation on your part as well, and a GREAT question.....

 

I took the question on a personal level.....shouldn't of gone ther eh?

 

So the answer to your question would be, neither of us.

 

I do think that the OP was asking us what the, "cornerstone" of marriage was for each of us though.......maybe I'm wrong....that's happened before....

[Tony T]

I wanted to ask this because over on the OW/OM forum, it seems they mostly think its love and sex there.

 

I am not saying that either of those isn't an important part, but I personally don't think M starts with love and continues because of regular sex.

 

I think that the cornerstones of M are COMMITMENT and RESPECT. I don't think a R of any type can endure without these two.

 

Anybody else?

 

Marriage is like a machine, many tiny parts and when one small part malfunctions the machines ceases to operate properly.

 

In my opinion, the essential ingredients without which you have no foundation for a relationship are: caring, commitment, communication, respect, fun, forgiveness, and a great sense of humor.

[OceanBlue]

I believe that the cornerstone of M is different for everyone based on personal experience. One learns of M while growing up, sees good examples and bad, and accordingly decides what is important for them.

 

My M crumbled when I no longer trusted my H. I had lived many years unhappily in my M, the sex sucked and there were no common interests other than the kids. However, there was committment, faithfulness and fidelity.

 

And while the M could have endured forever, it certainly wasn't going to flourish in those circumstances.

[Ladyjane14]

If I had to narrow it down to one word, I suppose that word would be Partnership. I'm not forced to brave it alone through this big ole world. My sweetie's got my back, as I've got his.

 

There are soooo very many variables that make up a good partnership. In the end, I think it's successful when each partner adds to the other's life experience rather than subtracting from it. The partnership becomes empowering at an individual level.

[BruiserKC]

One word I notice missing here in this discussion is "Trust". That's a huge part of the equation. You can have love, commitment, respect, and all of that...but it really doesn't work unless there is trust in your spouse. I'm not talking trust in that he's not going to start flirting with that gorgeous blonde at the bar. But the trust that any move your spouse makes will benefit not just him/her, but the relationship as a whole.

[Trialbyfire]

Trust, respect, love and liking each other are what I feel are cornerstones of marriage. The rest like fidelity are sub-components of the others because if you care about each other and trust/respect each other, you will practice fidelity.

[NoIDidn't]

Bruiser thanks for pointing that one out for me. Trust is definitely a big one.

 

I wanted to add something to the convo.

 

I read it somewhere that love as humans broadly define it has three main components:

 

- friendship

- lust

- commitment

 

M kind of cycles through out all of them. In the beginning, lust and friendship are pretty high. But as love matures, friendship and commitment become the driving factors.

 

I put commitment for myself, because in order to stay together throughout the bumps and rough patches you will need it. But trust is huge. Especially for those of us that have encountered infidelity on this trip. Thanks. Bruiser. I honestly forgot about that one for a second.

[Guest]

The reason trust was missing in this thread is because it has been destroyed in many of the relationships that people are posting about on this forum. I believe trust, respect love are the cornerstones of marriage. Tear down even one and they all crumble. Not that can't be rebuilt, but you cannot get trust back no matter what. Calm down....just one person's opinion.

 

One word I notice missing here in this discussion is "Trust". That's a huge part of the equation. You can have love, commitment, respect, and all of that...but it really doesn't work unless there is trust in your spouse. I'm not talking trust in that he's not going to start flirting with that gorgeous blond at the bar. But the trust that any move your spouse makes will benefit not just him/her, but the relationship as a whole.

[NoIDidn't]

Guest.....all is still calm. Its cool.

 

I disagree about the trust issue. It can be rebuilt too. Just won't be the wide-eyed naive kind of trust.

[Ripples]

I think shared values covers it for me. Where my partner and I have the same or similar beliefs not only in things like how household chores are shared, how money is spent, but also in things like what respect means, how trust and trustworthyness is demonstrated etc.