It's a long one but I need advice

[SarahMarie]

I'm so sorry, this is very long but the details are important.

I met a guy about 6 months ago. We met in a bar where my friend works and I go there once a week. When I initially met him, he was not even a little bit my type, but we hung out that night alone for about 6 hours. It was cold night so we spent alot of time just hugging a little bit of kissing and getting to know each other. He said he wanted to go out the next day. I declined explaining some obligations I had. He pushed and pushed until finally, he talked me into making time to get together. He asked me for my number so I gave it to him.

The next day, he called, but said he was painting or something and couldn't get together but will call tomorrow. I said, ok and hung up a little confused. He called the next day, didn't make plans but continued to call every day that week. We made plans for another day later that week but he broke those too, but continued to call.

The next week in the bar, he was there & was friendly and talked to me. I looked at him and said, sorry, you blew your chance-we will be friends and that's all. He complained but I stuck to my guns. It really wasn't a big effort to blow him off. I was not into the game or whatever he was playing and truely was not interested.

We ran into each other from time to time over the next few months. A couple of months ago, we ended up hanging out together again. This time we fooled around a little bit more. This went on for a while, we got closer, he stayed at my house a few times but all the while I made it very clear that we are not going to have a relationship, we need to be friends. He said he was ok with it, I was ok with it. It sounds a little strange but it was working for us.

Well, the other night he stayed at my house again. The next morning he said he'd call me later (which we never do). He called and told me his plans for that night and invited me to meet him at a different bar. I went, he was there with his friends (people I don't really know) He was drunk and treated me really crappy. I confronted him and said " you know, I came here to see you and you are being a real jerk" he acted indifferent saying "we're just friends, right?, get over it" , I was pissed and left.

I was very hurt and started to wonder why it hurt me so much. I was thinking, maybe I really have feelings for him. Also, maybe me constantly reminding him that we are just friends is hurting him. I'm not sure.

Anyway, the next day he called and left me a voice mail apologizing. By then, I was already with a girlfriend in the bar I hang out (she's a good friend of his and a starting to be good friend of mine) telling her the whole story and how I may have feelings now etc...

Who comes in? He comes right over to me apologized again and was all mushy and sweet. I gave into it, accepted his apology and we were hanging out as if we were a couple.

THEN, he makes his way through the bar flirting with every girl he could. One girl I know he used to 'see' he spent most of his time with her. She has always been after him. Again, I was hurt- even more now because I had just realized that morning that I may have feelings for him. I'm thinking "what the hell is he doing?"

I asked him to talk to me outside. He was acting indifferent again but I didn't care. I said "do we have a problem here?" he said "what do you mean?" I said "look, am I hurting your feelings? why were you so angry last night and why are you doing this today?" He said, "absolutely not, we are just friends, you said so" then he asked if he was hurting my feelings, I quickly said "no, I was just worried about you". I lied.

We went back inside, he continued his little flirting game which was really starting to piss me off. I grabbed him and said "look, I lied to you, you are hurting my feelings, and I think I like you more than I let on". It was out there now. What would he do with it? Well, he sat with me again, was nice, was being mushy again, then started his flirting all over. I told him I was leaving, he looked at me like he was surprised and said why? I confronted him asking if he only wanted to be friends, he wouldn't give a straight answer until I asked 5 times. Then said, yes, just friends. I left.

Can any of you figure out what this guy is doing? I cannot read him and it's making me very frustrated.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Can any of you figure out what this guy is doing?"

 

He isn't doing anything...YOU are. Very early on he showed his ass by blowing you off repeatedly. You did the right thing at that time by stating you just wanted to be friends.

 

As a friend, he treated you differen...with a bit more respect and consideration. You began to be fond of him and you liked that treatment. So you began to have some feelings for him and to become jealous when he gave attention to other women.

 

But when you did this, you never looked back at the jerk he was from the very start and still is. He makes a nice friend but a bad relationship. The jealousy you feel may be natural but has nothing to do with his unworthiness as anything more than a friend. I'm not really sure if he is even making a great friend for you.

 

My guess is that he is a player, not because he wants to be but because he has a fear of his own feelings and a fear of getting too close to anybody. Don't judge him for that because it could be due to any number of reasons beyond his control.

 

YOU are the one who needs to take full and complete responsiblity for this. You put your ownself on notice that this was to to ONLY a friendship...and now HE has put you on notice of the same thing.

 

Cut it short and move on. At this point, you are devoting way too much emotional energy to something that's just not going to happen. He's not really jerking you around, you are jerking yourself around. Don't do this to yourself.

 

And don't lose sight of the fact that most of this mushy and sweet stuff on his part is done after he has been drinking or when he feels bad after apologizing to you for something. Most men can be mushy and sweet with their right toe after enough alcohol. So, for Pete's sake, don't give any credibility to what a man's behavior is after he's started to drink.

 

This is just not a happening thing nor is it going to be. If you think you can be friends with a player you care about, knock yourself out. Just don't get pissed when he screws everything with a skirt. Accept him for who he is and your friendship for what it is and go look for romance with a guy who cares about you, deeply and sincerely, when he's sober.

[SarahMarie]

I appreciate your advice and I realize what I have to do.

 

I agree that drinking shields the truth and I didn't tell you that we have been sober together which is when he really is very sweet and opens up alot. This is why I thought maybe I was hurting him. Everytime we have been together in the last few months(especially when he's sober) he tried to convince me that he has changed and is ready for a relationship. I alway tell him he isn't and we are just friends. We have had that conversation probably a half dozen times.

What I really was interested in knowing was, does he have feelings for me or not. Do you think he does want a relationship and is acting this way because he's afraid of me? Throughout this whole 'friendship' thing, I've always been the one keeping it in check.

I think it would be easier for me to move on if he had feelings for me because I think he does. But his behavior is making me second guess every instinct I have about men.

I know he's probably not capable of a relationship and I would be a fool to even contemplate having one with him but this hurt I'm feeling is mostly from being disillusioned I think. I want to be friends with him but if he's playing a game, I can't. If we simply have feelings but agree to keep them in check, I think we can be friends.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "What I really was interested in knowing was, does he have feelings for me or not."

 

That would definitely be a question you would have to ask him. However, judging from his behavior it sounds like that's something he would like to at least explore. If you don't want that kind of exploration, you'll need to talk to him if that is indeed his intention.

 

2. "Do you think he does want a relationship and is acting this way because he's afraid of me?"

 

Oh, you don't know about men, uh? Well, let me tell you. They agressively go for what they can't have. By telling him repeatedly that you don't want a relationship, you have made yourself a major challenge. I don't know if he really wants a relationship or if he just wants to find out if he can conquer your feelings and get one. Likely the latter. You'll never know because he probably doesn't realize his own motivation. But I'm very glad you asked.

 

3. "Throughout this whole 'friendship' thing, I've always been the one keeping it in check."

 

Yes, all the more making yourself a challenge...which is what drives some men more wild than a nude beach full of beauty queens.

 

4. "I want to be friends with him but if he's playing a game, I can't. If we simply have feelings but agree to keep them in check, I think we can be friends."

 

DUH?!?!?! Yeah, right! And just why would you want to do all the work required of being in a friendship and keeping feelings in check? That's very dishonest as well. Never deal with anybody if either party is forced to keep feelings stuffed inside. Not only is that dishonest but it's awfully unhealthy and leads to hurt and resentment.

 

If you don't want a relationship with the dude and he does, you are best served by moving on and away. In time, if it was meant to be, you'll see him again and maybe you can be friends. I seriously doubt it.

 

Before you give him his walking papers, be sure you know what your own feelings are. If you like this guy more than you are willing to admit to yourself, maybe you ought to give it a chance...and, of course, risk being hurt once he "catches" you. Otherwise, write this guy off and spare both of you a lot of hurt and wasted time.

[MercyRose]

Dump him, he sucks.

[velvet]

It all depends on how far you let your emotions go about him.

If you feel jealous when you see him with another girl or mad if he hasn't given you his undivided attention or all you can think of when hes in sight is having him, than I would walk. Hes going to tell you anything to get into your pants.

 

However if you can chill with him and go out and party with him without these feelings thats even better. I dated a guy for a couple months and I was ready to get intimate. We had the talk so that I would know what page he was on as far as dating other people. He said he wanted to others. At that point I asked him that we be friends and he agreed. I didn't let my emotions get the best of me so were able to go out and party together. Over the weekend me and a girl friend met up with him and his boys and his date. We all partied together till the sun came up. Even though I find him very attractive and would like for him to be only interested in me, hes not and I'm fine with that. We all went back to his house after he dropped off the chick he was seeing and I slept cuddled up to him with his arms around me. He didn't try anything on me. I can handle that and enjoy that we can be friends and build a bond without the sex and the crazy games people play when they date.

 

If you can be his friend without expecting him to fall in love with you than do it. Like I said, if you cant be his friend without feeling like hes hurting your feelings, than walk.

[Angel]

Sorry sweetie. He is not even a good friend. Move on, he is telling you loud and clear---you are not listening. Watch his behavior--turn off the sound, that'll tell you everything. Good luck.