silentcharon Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 Ok. I am just going to ask a really simple question. I found out the reason why my ex came back- He said he realized he had more feelings than he was willing to admit to himself, and told me he was still in love with me. But- there's another girl in the picture- who claims she's in love with him and he's unsure what to do. He slept with her and told her he couldn't commit to her, because of how he felt about me. She said that was fine as long as he wasn't sleeping around with anyone. Until she started acting like they were a couple, so he ended things with her. He told me he slept with her again once after ending things, that he knew he shouldn't have- but he did. I don't know if it'll continue, I plan on keeping my distance if it does, and he knows it. I'm falling back in love with him, and he's falling for me again. I should mention that, when we first broke up, I tried to get him back- I couldn't feel anything there, the "love", I tried so hard to rekindle it. And now, after a period of time of not seeing him or talking to him at all- I haven't put any effort into it at all since I stopped "trying", we became "friends" again, and now the chemistry is back, I am feeling crazy vibes from him and he commented on it too. I guess, what I'm trying to say, what do I do now that the tables have turned? I have moved on, and I'm risking the "moving on mileage", as I don't want to be set back on square one, but I would like to keep my mind open to the possilbility of reconcilation, or even just being friends, for real. Keep in mind, he's not sure what he wants- understandably. Some people say that he needs to go away to figure out what he wants, some people think I should stick around and see what happens without pushing him, etc, etc. I just wanted to ask you all about your opinions as to what I should do. NC really does work, I have changed my life to the point where I'm fine with the way my life is right now with school, friends, etc. I asked my ex to be honest- I asked if he was unsure because : 1) is he doing this because he wants what he can't have, or 2) because he does really love me after all. He said # 2, saying that he did have feelings for me, he just wasn't sure how strong the feelings were towards me or the other girl right now. I really don't want to push my ex, I'm not really trying to get him to come back- just saying it'd be nice if he did. What are my options here? Run? Stay? Both? What? Has anyone had any experience with the chemistry coming back again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentcharon Posted November 18, 2006 Author Share Posted November 18, 2006 opinions, anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 We all tend to lose the bad memories and hold on to the good ones as time goes by. I wouldn't mistake that for chemistry though. He ran to someone else. He didn't care enough about you then and will most likely not care enough about you in the future. I think he wants his cake and to eat it too with you. He is sensing your growth away from him, and is making an effort to stop that from happening. That's ego for ya! Anyway, stay true to you. You've come a long way. Think twice before going backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
miss snoopy Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 If in doubt - don't. Especially as you've moved on. If he really wants you back i.e. if he's really sure you're "the one", in time you'll know it and then you can assess things again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentcharon Posted November 18, 2006 Author Share Posted November 18, 2006 You have a point there- So, what, he came back to get back what he couldn't have? I don't know, I was with this guy for 7 years. I was very upset when I found out about the girl, but I'm actually ok now, because, after all, it wasn't like he cheated on me. I actually told my ex several times to date her if he wanted to, he said he wanted her, but he didn't, at the same time. Not sure what that means. I've heard of this happening with other people, feelings coming back etc after a period of NC, and never thought it would happen to me, but it did. I've been seeing threads asking similiar questions, taking someone back after that person has slept with other people or had relationships before getting back together. That's sort of what I'm going through right now, except that my ex is iffy- should I go NC again? Link to post Share on other sites
miss snoopy Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 I think you should go back to NC if maintaining contact is awkward at the moment. If you want to get back with him, maybe maintain some contact to show him you're not fully closed to the idea. 7 years is a long time so maybe he really is regretting the break-up.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentcharon Posted November 18, 2006 Author Share Posted November 18, 2006 I think you should go back to NC if maintaining contact is awkward at the moment. If you want to get back with him, maybe maintain some contact to show him you're not fully closed to the idea. 7 years is a long time so maybe he really is regretting the break-up.. It is kind of awkward, as nobody wants to talk to each other- this is really torn our mutual group of friends apart, everyone is picking sides while some are trying to stay on neutral grounds. He said, "I see you happy these days, it makes me wonder if it was never you (regarding why he broke up with me)" "the... the thing is , i broke up with you for a lot of reasons... but you have changed and wiped out most of those reasons." That's what he's been saying. He hasn't 100% confirmed that he wants to be with me, which is fine with me- because he has gone from "NO!" to "Maybe..." even with another girl in the picture. I'm just not sure how to handle this- like, how do I stay in limited contact during this "fuzzy" period? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 2) because he does really love me after all. He said # 2, saying that he did have feelings for me, he just wasn't sure how strong the feelings were towards me or the other girl right now. he said he wanted her, but he didn't, at the same time. Not sure what that means. You don't have an option of taking him back - he's not sure he wants you or this other girl. As long as he's not sure, he's not offering you much. He's dated you for 7 years and this other girl for only a very short while. If he doesn't know which of you he wants to be with, he doesn't want you enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentcharon Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 You don't have an option of taking him back - he's not sure he wants you or this other girl. As long as he's not sure, he's not offering you much. He's dated you for 7 years and this other girl for only a very short while. If he doesn't know which of you he wants to be with, he doesn't want you enough. Yes, I think I am going to go NC again, because this is just BS. You're right, if he really, really wanted me, the girl wouldn't even be in the picture, but she is. He's just being a selfish jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Yes, I think I am going to go NC again, because this is just BS. You're right, if he really, really wanted me, the girl wouldn't even be in the picture, but she is. He's just being a selfish jerk. You said it sister! You'd have to be a robot to not be bothered by another girl in the picture. If it were me, that would be a deal breaker. Enough of the "I dunno what I want" BS. He needs to figure that out. You deserve better than an ex on the fence. Look dude, either you are in love with me and you want to get back together....meaning you need to break things off with this other woman..... or it's over. You can't just keep waiting around while he slowly ponders whether or not you're worth it. You are worth it- and if he can't see that, someone else will. All or nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentcharon Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Hey D- Absolutely. It wasn't a deal breaker for me, at least at first it wasn't. I tried to be as patient as I could, I wasn't even trying to get him back at all. I felt myself being pulled back in again, with the feelings of love coming back when it wasn't there when I tried to get him to come back in the first couple of months after the break up. I decided to stop and pull myself out before I got into too deeply because I knew there would be a huge risk of myself getting hurt again, so I've decided on NC again so I can distance myself from him. I mean, why come back to the dumpee and say that he/she's still in love with the dumpee but is still unsure? It would make more sense if the ex was sure, you know? All it did was dredge up feelings and emotions which wasn't necessary at all. Life can be cruel sometimes. The only good thing is that I'm not quite back on square one in terms of healing, I'm not too upset about the whole thing- it was just a minor set back on the road to healing. I wonder if anyone's experienced the same kind of thing, having the ex come back proclaiming their love for the dumpees but saying they're unsure.... I wonder if the dumpees went NC again as a result. You said it sister! You'd have to be a robot to not be bothered by another girl in the picture. If it were me, that would be a deal breaker. Enough of the "I dunno what I want" BS. He needs to figure that out. You deserve better than an ex on the fence. Look dude, either you are in love with me and you want to get back together....meaning you need to break things off with this other woman..... or it's over. You can't just keep waiting around while he slowly ponders whether or not you're worth it. You are worth it- and if he can't see that, someone else will. All or nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 It's one thing to come back and say: yes, I'm still in love/have feelings, but I'm unsure of us being together because we had arguments/were unhappy being together before/whatever. It's quite another thing to come back and say: yes, I still have feelings, but I'm unsure because I have feeliings for someone else too. You can't rebuild a relationship when you've got an eye on someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts