Why So Weak

[Bill3045]

Hello All,

 

I've been referring to this forum for the past two months. This is the first time posting.

Long story short; Wife of 11 years left me for another man about 3 months ago. We have a nine year old daughter that goes back and forth from me to her mother, who is living with her boyfriend.

I have gone through the shock, the begging and crying and I am now at dull sadness and the eternal struggle to stay focused on my job and simply cope with the overwelming lonliness and the sting of betrayal.

I have been pretty much no contact for three weeks and have managed to get back some of my self esteem.

Today the lonliness just about overwelmed me. I live in a small town and there is nowhere to escape the memories.

To make matters worse, I haven't been on speaking terms with my family for about a year and a half. I woke up one day almost completely alone (thank God for my daughter).

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite time of year. My wife, daughter and I would drive to my parents house on Wednesday night (family get together) and of course Thanksgiving the next day.

I have no where to go, so I will work Thanksgiving.

Guess I'm just looking for a little support. Some words of encouragement...a little Gunney pick it up stuff. I

I've done some pretty tough things in my life, worked in the mines, gang investigator, prison contrator in Iraq, but this thing or combination of things has brought me to my knees.

[MNo]

I’m very sorry to hear that.

Man believe me you are not the only one asking yourself why I’m so weak. We are not weak we are just being human and love is a strange thing.

My wife left me after just 7 months of marriage, 8 years of dating, and with her all of my dreams are gone. I can understand your pain and loneliness because I feel the same. If you need a friend I ‘m here for you.

[ilmw]

Of course this is the hardest thing you have ever had to do.... it has shaken you to your core... Damaged your self esteem... torn your life apart.... yeah it hurts.... more than you can express....

 

Thats ok..... one way of coping is by posting.... and reading and posting... and reading... and if you believe... praying too...

 

This has and will be a changing point in your life.... for good or bad... that is up to you...

 

BTW... your wife is living with the other guy... and your daughter goes over there??? Wow... that would not impress me much either...

 

Can you post a more detailed history... you will get more advice from the folks on here.. if they get the big picture...

 

Take care of yourself... and be strong...k

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

Hang in there, Bill.

 

You're in a tough spot, no doubt about it.... but you'll get through it. I've heard it said many times that getting a divorce is akin to grieving a death. A newly divorced person often goes through the same stages one goes through in grief.

 

Sounds to me like you might be in the "sadness" stage.

 

It's all a process, and folks get through in their own good time. I think you're right on in reading some of Gunny's posts. Also, try some posts by Dgiirl. I love the proactive stance she's taken with her own healing.

 

What happened with your extended family? This is really a crappy time to not have their support. What's the feasibility of making peace and getting them back into your support system?

[Guest]

Story is long and convoluted concerning my father and the year and a half silence that has existed between us. I have issues with him that go back to my teens, when he choose his new wife over me and left me at the doorstep of a friend's parents to took over guardingship. It has always been a tug-of-war with him. His generousity and companionship with strangers at the expense of his immediate family came to a head with me.

 

We had a very heated arguement about this and we haven't talked since. My step-mother has said that my other brother and sisters have overcome their issues and so should I. She thinks that my drinking is an issue, but ignores the fact that my father is an alcoholic. In other words it is my problem. I could be more frank about the exact incident that lead to our silence and, no doubt it would invoke support on my behalf, suffice to say, that I have a position that is morally and ethically sound. If not, I would have bridged this impass a long time ago, as I have been very alone these past months.

 

As it turned out...a little over a year latter I would experience abandonment by my wife as well.

 

I cannot believe what has happened in terms of my father and my wife. I would have never believed this would have happened to me.

I hope that their is a grander plan by God, but for the life of me I cannot grasp this sorrow or put a sound lesson to be learned.

I am not perfect. Nor do I believe that life is fair. I just seek solace in an an otherwise dismal world that I now finf myself.

[dgiirl]

Bill, divorce is not easy. And I wish it was as simple as waving a wand and getting over it. But we all need time to grieve and mourn our dreams. What we wanted our marriage to be, instead of what it turned out to be. What we wanted life to be, instead of what happened. You might even find yourself thinking about the past, and mourning over that. Not only did I grieve my marriage, but also my childhood. I needed to let it ALL out.

 

I'm sorry that you are distant with your family. For the first year or so, I was living far from my own family and friends, and on top of that my own parents couldnt help me with my grieiving. I needed and wanted to grieve and my parents couldnt handle my pain so i distanced myself from them. Did not call them as frequently, and when I did, did not tell them my real feelings. I couldnt deal with them, worrying about them worrying about me. So for the first time in my life, I put myself first. For my birthday and thanksgiving, I spent it alone. I kinda wanted to spend it alone. To show me how alone it could feel, and to make an effort in the future to never feel like this again. Maybe I'm a little morbid for wanting that, but I did.

 

However, I also did take proactive measures against my grieving. For me, I could feel that when I greived too long, I could see myself slipping into a really dark hole, and at those times, I knew I had to get myself up and out doing something, anything, just to tire myself out.

 

Like I mentioned, I was living far away from my family and friends and I thought I was alone. I realized that I never was completely alone. My coworkers helped a lot in the beginning. They all told me that if I ever wanted to hang out to call them. I took them up on their offer and not only did they help me, but I also helped them. It's funny how we decline people's offers because we think we might be intruding. What I realized is people get enjoyment from helping others, just as much as we need their help sometimes, and by allowing others to help us, we are giving them self worth as well. So both sides receive good from the act. Allow others to help and at the same time help others.

 

Here's the little gunny pick me up. You are right that life is not fair. And although it's painful to experience abandonment, if you look at it really objectively, it's not the worst thing to happen in life. It's just a broken heart. With that said, you are allowed to grieve and have emotions over it, just keep them in perspective.

 

Now for the proactive way of dealing with this. Cry when you need to cry. But when you've had enough for the moment, start focusing on you. Try and redirect your thoughts as much as possible to the present moment. Most of the time when we're greiving, it's over a memory from the past, or a fear of the future. Neither of them are the present and neither are happening right now. If you want to be happy, be present in the present. Focus on what's around you. Reach that inner serenity when you connect with the present moment. Have you ever just sat in a park and focused on the trees blowing in the wind or ducks in the pond? Or sat by the ocean and listened to the waves come on shore? And you feel so connected with the present moment, you reach a sense of serenity? As much as possible, try and do that now. Look around you and focus on the beauty that's around you. Enjoy the present moment. As the saying goes, stop and smell the roses. We dont do this nearly enough in our lives. And when we do, we find peace.

 

After that, just start getting busy. There's so many things you can do. Volunteer your time, start a new hobby, learn something new, tackle your "Top things I want to do/see in my life" list, tackle your fears. You have an oppurtunity right now to take a deep look at yourself and your life and change the things that's just not working for you. You really do have control over your own happiness and by changing the way you look at something, you can change the way you feel towards it.

 

It's not going to be easy. And you will experience a rollercoaster of emotions. A bunch of highs then lows then highs then lows. But as time goes on, and as you actively refocus your thoughts and work on your healing and grieving, you'll see improvements, even just slight improvements, but definitely improvements. I know the pain you are experiencing. I thought I would NEVER have reached where I'm at now. I still have my moments, but not even close to where I was. Have faith that things will get better. No matter what happens, you will be ok.

 

Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep working at it and be kind and gentle to yourself. Dont call yourself names, dont think of yourself as weak. It's extremely painful what you are going through and you need to be patient with yourself. They say it takes on average 2 years to get over a divorce. Speaking with friends, they say it's more like 4 years. So put that into perspective with your current situation. It takes time and effort.

[tonyp56]

Three months isn't that long, it is still all new and fresh right now. Before you know it, you'll be at 8, 9, 10, 11, 12...14 months and be wondering how you made it. Trust me, I'm just over 14 months since my wife left me, and I can promise it gets better, somehow, you just make it.

 

The problem that both of us share is that we are both fathers, I've got three kids with my ex-wife. Therefore, in many ways, she's family, because no matter what, she is our childrens mother. I can't disrespect her--at least in front of the kids--I can't really hate her, cuz I'll always have to be around her, so I might as well get along with her, and for my childrens sake, I can't wish anything bad to happen to her. No contact is very hard in our situation, because even if you don't have any contact with your ex, you still have to contact them in regards to the kid(s) and vice versa--not to mention, it is very hard keeping away from your ex, not seeing, talking, etc. when you have to go pick up/drop off your children.

 

Truth is, when my wife left, she took a part of me with her, it felt like 90% when she first left, but now it only feels like 1% or so (still a part, but it don't feel as big as it did when she first left, then, I felt like she took everything. The point is, this is part of the reason why it hurts so much. In marriage we give it our all, we automatically assume that our spouse will be with us until we die, and therefore, everything in life, the now and the tomorrow alike become about our spouse. We see ourselves getting old with them, and when suddenly this is taken away from us, we are hurt, not only because of the now--them leaving, cheating, choosing someone else over us, etc.--but for the future that we pictured only them with us.

 

It will get better, just give yourself some time.

[PWSX3]

Hello All,

 

I've been referring to this forum for the past two months. This is the first time posting.

Long story short; Wife of 11 years left me for another man about 3 months ago. We have a nine year old daughter that goes back and forth from me to her mother, who is living with her boyfriend.

I have gone through the shock, the begging and crying and I am now at dull sadness and the eternal struggle to stay focused on my job and simply cope with the overwelming lonliness and the sting of betrayal.

I have been pretty much no contact for three weeks and have managed to get back some of my self esteem.

Today the lonliness just about overwelmed me. I live in a small town and there is nowhere to escape the memories.

To make matters worse, I haven't been on speaking terms with my family for about a year and a half. I woke up one day almost completely alone (thank God for my daughter).

I don't know why you are not in speaking terms with your family but maybe this is a good time to really look at why and maybe get that relationship back "if that is something YOU want to do".

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite time of year. My wife, daughter and I would drive to my parents house on Wednesday night (family get together) and of course Thanksgiving the next day.

I have no where to go, so I will work Thanksgiving.

Maybe you and your daughter can go have your own Thanksgiving someplace new, like me & my boy are going to do for Christmas go to a restaurant that we usually don't go to because it's pricey so it will make it a special day.

Guess I'm just looking for a little support. Some words of encouragement...a little Gunney pick it up stuff. I

I've done some pretty tough things in my life, worked in the mines, gang investigator, prison contrator in Iraq, but this thing or combination of things has brought me to my knees.

I read someplace that you do all these things but they are for someone else, but when you have to start looking at yourself then it is personal and it sometimes can really be hard because it's you that you are looking at.

Good luck my friend and like others have said you will make it, sure it doesn't seem that way now but you will.

Pick up a few books, start reading and if nothing else it starts making you think of things you would have never thought of before. Each book is different and each one you will get just a piece of the puzzle but after a while (and yes I'm learning it takes time) you start putting those little pieces together and sooner or later you will have this beautiful puzzle that you an be proud of.

Just keep reminding yourself this is not a quick fix and you aren't going to do it in a month or two. That is what I was trying to do and it doesn't work, so buckle yourself in and join the growd, you will start feeling better.

 

GOOD LUCK

[Bill3045]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

Somedays seems so sureal, almost nightmarish as if I have fallen into some wicked lonely realm. To think that my mind can conjure this kind of melonchally is distressing. The minds concept is that she's gone and this is how you will feel, forever. Kinda like, if you touch fire, it'll burn (always).

It's hard to imagine that you can crawl out of this desperate lonliness.

I know that things will never be the same. That is what has caused my greatest grief is the knowledge that my old life is gone forever and that I could not control it's disappearance.

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow may be worse than yesterday. It is the bleakness of the coming days that has a way of piling on your heart and invokes despair.

Wise council on this forum has advised me to focus on the present and that certainly makes sence.

Thanks again to everybody for your thoughtful advise.