Re: How many times should l forgive him?

[Mike]

Yes, you should never have forgiven him in the first place. You chalk up this experience to "lesson learned" vow not to let it happen again and realize you are better off alone than you could ever expect to be with a jerk like this. That is how you move on. And he may love you but what difference does it make. He's an a--hole.

Hi everyone If you can help me l would appreciate it.

 

I have been with my boyfriend in a serious relationship for neally 7 and a half years now. In the first two years of our relationship l was blind to the cheating with other women, looking at other women in an adictive way everywhere we went, hiding my cosomopitian magazines and other magazines of mine that l lent him to only cut pictures of women out of them, lies and manipulation that went on to cover up why he wouldn't see me at night and where he was going. Not to mention the emotional abuse, the constant put down of my body and me in general. Mind you, his friends and people that saw us together gave me compliments on how attractive l was and told him so but l think he thought if l can get her maybe l can get somebody better. l was told by people that l should model or act. I was someone that took care of herself but felt the pressure of having to always look a certain way. Why couldn't he see me this way? Eventually him looking at women so often brought down my self esteem. He left for overseas and told me he didn't know whether we would get back together and that he only cheated on me once. While he was gone his friend told me that he cheated on me several times. We got back together when he got back and he said he had changed. He said he never had sex with any of the women he was with and that he only kissed them. He even told me that he brought a girl to his house only to go the tiolet whom he was seeing for awhile. He kept on looking at girls, just not as much and l found number times magazines hidden in his bedroom. He promised to stop. When we hit 4 years we moved in together and l thought everything was fine. A year and a half went by and l caught him on the internet looking up women in bikinis, he said it just popped up. At the start of this year when we had neally been together for 7 years l found out that he was emailing a girl he met on the phone at work who lived in another state. I thought writing a girl a letter or letters is fine except when l got to the part in the letter where it said "l live with a friend which can be interesting times" No mention of the live in girlfriend of neally 7 years, l was shocked. l was wondering why he kept checking his email all the time. I caught the letters very early before anything could of happened. l confronted him, he said it was a bad thing to do and that he wouldn't do it again. I was shocked believe it or not, l finally trusted him and l forgave him. I thought how could he do this to me. That night l was very sick vomiting in the tiolet all night. I forgave him. Then about two months ago l found that he was looking at pornographic sites and other women sites even though he had told me previously a number of times "You know l'm not into that stuff" I beleived him. Then the very next night l found a bag of his filled with my magazines and also found them hidden all around the house, some taken from his tea room at work. The rest he found in the bin 2 months ago when l threw them out. Yet again l was in shock. I couldn't believe it. When he was 19 maybe but not still at 27 and to think he had been telling me he was studying at night but he was really doing this and for the last 3 years and then to jump into bed with me. I moved out soon later but moved back in again. He promised to change. I am having a hard time dealing with this, l'm physically sick all the time and feel like l am going to suffocate, my body is telling me you can't deal with the pain any more and l literally feel like l am going to fall down and not get back up. Emotionally l am trying to to deal with it by reading lots of self help books. Trying to work my way past this by feeling the pain that l tried to block out all these years. I finally realized something that has taken me neally 7 and a half years of being with him to realize and that is "I cannot change him, l must accept him, l must forgive him." In doing this l realized that l don't think l am in love with this person, now that l see him and accept him as he is. So that is where l am up to now. Should l move on, if so how? Does he love me?

[Wiser Woman]

I'm very sorry to hear what you have been going through. My gut reaction to your situation is to get out now! This man has cheated on you and seems to have some sort of addiction to pornographic material which you have no control over. He has promised again and again to stop but has not. You say now that you don't feel that you love him. You sound like a very forgiving person and my personal opinion is that you deserve better. Being physically sick over his behavior is not good for you and you know that. Spending any more time and perhaps your life with this person constantly in fear of what he will do and having to accept him as he is and forgive him over and over again will only serve to wear you down even more physcially, emotionally and mentally. He may say he's sorry and promise not to behave in this manner but how many times does "sorry" work before it has no meaning?

 

You sound like a very intelligent, caring and attractive woman - look in the mirror and see if you are happy with what you see - I can't tell from your post that you are not and you deserve to be happy and regain your self-esteem.

 

I wish you the very best with whatever decision you make and hope that you find happiness with yourself and perhaps another man who will appreciate, love and care about YOU.

[Been There]

Sorry to hear about your situation, but I have been there and I know it's no picnic. I forgave my boyfriend 3 times before I realized that I'm a great person and I don't deserve to be treated like this. That was 18 years ago and I have never regretted it. I married a wonderful man who treats me with respect and dignity. You deserve better. Go get it and tell Mr. Cheater to take a hike. Good luck!

 

***********************************************************

Hi everyone If you can help me l would appreciate it.

 

I have been with my boyfriend in a serious relationship for neally 7 and a half years now. In the first two years of our relationship l was blind to the cheating with other women, looking at other women in an adictive way everywhere we went, hiding my cosomopitian magazines and other magazines of mine that l lent him to only cut pictures of women out of them, lies and manipulation that went on to cover up why he wouldn't see me at night and where he was going. Not to mention the emotional abuse, the constant put down of my body and me in general. Mind you, his friends and people that saw us together gave me compliments on how attractive l was and told him so but l think he thought if l can get her maybe l can get somebody better. l was told by people that l should model or act. I was someone that took care of herself but felt the pressure of having to always look a certain way. Why couldn't he see me this way? Eventually him looking at women so often brought down my self esteem. He left for overseas and told me he didn't know whether we would get back together and that he only cheated on me once. While he was gone his friend told me that he cheated on me several times. We got back together when he got back and he said he had changed. He said he never had sex with any of the women he was with and that he only kissed them. He even told me that he brought a girl to his house only to go the tiolet whom he was seeing for awhile. He kept on looking at girls, just not as much and l found number times magazines hidden in his bedroom. He promised to stop. When we hit 4 years we moved in together and l thought everything was fine. A year and a half went by and l caught him on the internet looking up women in bikinis, he said it just popped up. At the start of this year when we had neally been together for 7 years l found out that he was emailing a girl he met on the phone at work who lived in another state. I thought writing a girl a letter or letters is fine except when l got to the part in the letter where it said "l live with a friend which can be interesting times" No mention of the live in girlfriend of neally 7 years, l was shocked. l was wondering why he kept checking his email all the time. I caught the letters very early before anything could of happened. l confronted him, he said it was a bad thing to do and that he wouldn't do it again. I was shocked believe it or not, l finally trusted him and l forgave him. I thought how could he do this to me. That night l was very sick vomiting in the tiolet all night. I forgave him. Then about two months ago l found that he was looking at pornographic sites and other women sites even though he had told me previously a number of times "You know l'm not into that stuff" I beleived him. Then the very next night l found a bag of his filled with my magazines and also found them hidden all around the house, some taken from his tea room at work. The rest he found in the bin 2 months ago when l threw them out. Yet again l was in shock. I couldn't believe it. When he was 19 maybe but not still at 27 and to think he had been telling me he was studying at night but he was really doing this and for the last 3 years and then to jump into bed with me. I moved out soon later but moved back in again. He promised to change. I am having a hard time dealing with this, l'm physically sick all the time and feel like l am going to suffocate, my body is telling me you can't deal with the pain any more and l literally feel like l am going to fall down and not get back up. Emotionally l am trying to to deal with it by reading lots of self help books. Trying to work my way past this by feeling the pain that l tried to block out all these years. I finally realized something that has taken me neally 7 and a half years of being with him to realize and that is "I cannot change him, l must accept him, l must forgive him." In doing this l realized that l don't think l am in love with this person, now that l see him and accept him as he is. So that is where l am up to now. Should l move on, if so how? Does he love me?

[Carolyn]

Hi everyone If you can help me l would appreciate it.

 

I have been with my boyfriend in a serious relationship for neally 7 and a half years now. In the first two years of our relationship l was blind to the cheating with other women, looking at other women in an adictive way everywhere we went, hiding my cosomopitian magazines and other magazines of mine that l lent him to only cut pictures of women out of them, lies and manipulation that went on to cover up why he wouldn't see me at night and where he was going. Not to mention the emotional abuse, the constant put down of my body and me in general. Mind you, his friends and people that saw us together gave me compliments on how attractive l was and told him so but l think he thought if l can get her maybe l can get somebody better. l was told by people that l should model or act. I was someone that took care of herself but felt the pressure of having to always look a certain way. Why couldn't he see me this way? Eventually him looking at women so often brought down my self esteem. He left for overseas and told me he didn't know whether we would get back together and that he only cheated on me once. While he was gone his friend told me that he cheated on me several times. We got back together when he got back and he said he had changed. He said he never had sex with any of the women he was with and that he only kissed them. He even told me that he brought a girl to his house only to go the tiolet whom he was seeing for awhile. He kept on looking at girls, just not as much and l found number times magazines hidden in his bedroom. He promised to stop. When we hit 4 years we moved in together and l thought everything was fine. A year and a half went by and l caught him on the internet looking up women in bikinis, he said it just popped up. At the start of this year when we had neally been together for 7 years l found out that he was emailing a girl he met on the phone at work who lived in another state. I thought writing a girl a letter or letters is fine except when l got to the part in the letter where it said "l live with a friend which can be interesting times" No mention of the live in girlfriend of neally 7 years, l was shocked. l was wondering why he kept checking his email all the time. I caught the letters very early before anything could of happened. l confronted him, he said it was a bad thing to do and that he wouldn't do it again. I was shocked believe it or not, l finally trusted him and l forgave him. I thought how could he do this to me. That night l was very sick vomiting in the tiolet all night. I forgave him. Then about two months ago l found that he was looking at pornographic sites and other women sites even though he had told me previously a number of times "You know l'm not into that stuff" I beleived him. Then the very next night l found a bag of his filled with my magazines and also found them hidden all around the house, some taken from his tea room at work. The rest he found in the bin 2 months ago when l threw them out. Yet again l was in shock. I couldn't believe it. When he was 19 maybe but not still at 27 and to think he had been telling me he was studying at night but he was really doing this and for the last 3 years and then to jump into bed with me. I moved out soon later but moved back in again. He promised to change. I am having a hard time dealing with this, l'm physically sick all the time and feel like l am going to suffocate, my body is telling me you can't deal with the pain any more and l literally feel like l am going to fall down and not get back up. Emotionally l am trying to to deal with it by reading lots of self help books. Trying to work my way past this by feeling the pain that l tried to block out all these years. I finally realized something that has taken me neally 7 and a half years of being with him to realize and that is "I cannot change him, l must accept him, l must forgive him." In doing this l realized that l don't think l am in love with this person, now that l see him and accept him as he is. So that is where l am up to now. Should l move on, if so how? Does he love me?

Hi. I was in a situation like yours a long time ago. I went out with someone for 6 years. The whole time, I learned later, he was cheating on me. The put downs of your body, and of you in general, should not be acceptable to you. I hate to say this, but you have really missed a number of the warning signs that should have sent you running the other way. It is obvious that this relationship is not good for YOU.

 

Him seeing other women IS cheating on you. It doesn't matter if he kissed them or went all the way. Regarding the women he was sending e-mails to, how can see you think you caught this on time? His betrayal was in the fact that he denied your relationship. This fact alone should send send you running.

 

You cannot trust him. Ever.

 

When you ask "how can he do this to me"? Some people are so needy that they can't help but take advantage of other people who let me do so. That's how he can do it.

 

What difference does it make if he loves you? He's making you miserable! He is not worthy of you. He is not treating you as human beings should be treated.

 

How about realizing, after 7 1/2 years of being together, that you don't deserve to be treated like this.

[Kiey]

I also have been in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 5 years is absolutely infatuated with women. He constantly looks at women on the internet, rents porno movies, and even checks out women on the street. I know he hasn't cheated on me, but it used to bother me. It has never bothered me that he checks out/looks at/stares at/writes to other women. What would bother me would be, and you have every right to be bothered, for him to visit other women, much less escort them into his apartment for a "potty break". My self esteem is extremely high, so that was never a question, but it made me feel as though I wasn't sexually fulfilling to him. I sat down and told him exactly how I feel and he let me know how he felt. He's a man and enjoys looking at naked women. Nothing more, nothing less. Your boyfriend's fascination, should be nothing more than that...a fascination. If he's pursuing it, maybe you should began a cyber relationship with someone and leave the "eye spy" alone.

Sorry to hear about your situation, but I have been there and I know it's no picnic. I forgave my boyfriend 3 times before I realized that I'm a great person and I don't deserve to be treated like this. That was 18 years ago and I have never regretted it. I married a wonderful man who treats me with respect and dignity. You deserve better. Go get it and tell Mr. Cheater to take a hike. Good luck! ***********************************************************