So, I've been cheating and I don't feel guilty....

[imac]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I really need to get this off my chest.

 

I caught my husband having an affair last year. He denies that anything physical happened. I believed him, up until recently. It's just too easy to get caught up in everything..........

 

I've met some guys on-line. I've had sex with 3 of them and it's been good so far. There's one guy who's 12 years younger than me that I see on a regular basis. The distraction from "real life" is what's keeping me around. I like the thril and the attention.

 

I'm the last person that I thought would be sneaking around, sleeping with other guys behind my husband's back. I had been faithful for 15 years. I know that if my husband ever found out, he'd be devestated. I know I was when I found out about his affair. What the hell is wrong with me? The bad part is that I don't feel guilty at all. But it has helped me move past the hurt his affair had on me for a year.

[Guest]

Congratulations, you've now sunk yourself to his level. Just do the right thing, dump the loser and move on. Don't continue sinking deeper in the slime. Payback like that demeans you.

[PussInHeels]

This doesn't strike me as so awful, but kind of silly. If you enjoy sleeping with other men and don't feel guilty, why not end the marriage? If you still care for your husband enough to stay with him, it would be better to work together on the marriage. Sleeping around may take care of your needs, but it doesn't do anything for your relationship with your husband. That doesn't mean I excuse your husband's cheating at all...he assaulted whatever you had together, now you're doing the same. If he really pissed you off so much, it's totally justified! But then go your separate ways if you want to sleep with other men.

 

There's also other concerns involved...I would much rather my husband leave me than sleep with another random woman and then come home and sleep with me...if I found out, I would probably freak out, take a bath in 10% bleach, that sort of thing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

All I can say is that hopefully you are using protection.

 

Anyway, what is keeping you from simply divorcing your husband so that you can both move on with your lives?

 

What the hell is wrong with me?

 

Your husbands affair likely crushed your sense of self worth and you are looking to validate yourself from within the beds of other men.

[Carbine]

I'm certainly not going to flame you.

 

However, I do think that you should quit trying to make yourself 'feel' guilty. It's obvious that your feeling aren't anywhere near the 'guilty' mark, so just accept it and move on. Judging by some of the posts on this forum and others similar to, guilt over cheating isn't really something you want to burden yourself with voluntarily. From what I can gather, it's a pretty hefty load to carry.

 

By the way, imac, acknowledging that you feel guilty is NOT going to make you a 'good' person. Similarly, accepting your non-guilty feelings is not going to make you a 'bad' person or mean that there's something wrong with you.) IMHO, way too many people try to live by the widely accepted social norms on what's correct and what's not. To me, there's no such thing as 'good' 'bad' 'right' 'wrong' etc. It simply boils down to what suits me at the time and what i can sleep with at night. I'm a Nihilist and this is the way i lead my life, regardless of the invisible barriers that the moral majorities (and yes, minorities too) may have laid out. Some of my behaviour (and justifications if pushed to give them) shock the hell out of a lot of people, but at least i don't have to live with that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes from having to live by the rules and standards of others.

 

Which leads me to mention a situation that i was in, somewhat similiar to yours. About 3 months ago, i had an affair with a coworker who i'd had the hots for for ages, and who i knew felt the same about me. I didn't actually cheat on my boyfriend during that time, since we'd split up for a few weeks (however although nothing was actually stated, i'm sure that the general consensus was that we wouldn't sleep with anyone else during this split). Like you, i felt i had a perfectly good reason for doing this - he hadn't cheated, but he had been physically abusing me and my property. Despite this, i very quickly realised that 'paying him back' was just a cop out for something that i was probably going to do, or at least would be very tempted to do, anyway. Soon as i realised this, all the anger surrounding my need for revenge vanished, which made it easier for me to move on with things. So I wasn't 100% faithful. Big deal. It was my choice, bf didn't force me into it, and that's where it ends. However, imac, its up to your whether or not you want to accept that you may or may not have these tendencies in you, or if it was solely your husband's fault that you went out and cheated. Once again, no matter what you decide, it's not going to make you a good or bad person. You're just a person.

 

Anyway, in regards to my situation, you know what? I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever. Bf never found out and never will. Probably because of these things, I was able to make a clean break and get back with my boyfriend to continue on as normal. (That was until the stupid issue with porn popped up. *Sigh* See the recent post on why men look at porn. Ugh. Now that's a completely different issue altogether).

[Sup]

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I really need to get this off my chest.

 

I caught my husband having an affair last year. He denies that anything physical happened. I believed him, up until recently. It's just too easy to get caught up in everything..........

 

I've met some guys on-line. I've had sex with 3 of them and it's been good so far. There's one guy who's 12 years younger than me that I see on a regular basis. The distraction from "real life" is what's keeping me around. I like the thril and the attention.

 

I'm the last person that I thought would be sneaking around, sleeping with other guys behind my husband's back. I had been faithful for 15 years. I know that if my husband ever found out, he'd be devestated. I know I was when I found out about his affair. What the hell is wrong with me? The bad part is that I don't feel guilty at all. But it has helped me move past the hurt his affair had on me for a year.

 

 

Why did you stop believing that your husbands affair wasn't physical? What would you feel like if you found out that your husband didn't sleep with anyone else at all, it happens. Do you have kids? You haven't done this in your home have you?

[Marcus as the Peanut]

you dont feel guilty becuse you found the whore in you

[imac]

I just got home from another night of 'fun'

 

I would have never engaged in this sort of behavior had I not found out about the affair. Never in a million years.

 

Am I using protection - yes.

 

Have I done it in our bed - no.

 

Do we have kids - yes.

 

He denied his affair being physical - my point is that it's too easy for it not to be physical. All the 'evidence' was there. And I believed him. Up until now.

 

Have I found the inner whore in me - you better believe it. She's always been there, came out before I was married, and she's back.

 

As twisted as this may sound (forgive me since I have been drinking), I love my husband and I love my family. I have no plans on leaving. But sleeping with other men has given me some sort of power back. I don't feel like I'm the victim anymore. And it has given me my self confidence back. Ya, ya, I know what the guys are after, but I'm happy to oblige. They also all know that I'm married and staying. It's a no strings attached sort of deal.

[Trialbyfire]

If you feel okay about cheating and don't want to leave your husband, don't you think you owe it to the institution of marriage that you fess up so that you can have an open relationship?

 

Sorry but I can't honestly understand you. The guilt of cheating would kill me, whether he's done it or not.

[imac]

It's hard to understand. I think that's why I'm posting here, because I'm not quite sure I understand either.

 

It's not a revenge sort of thing, but you know what? My husband did the same thing. And honestly, I don't think he had any guilt involved until the day he got caught. And all the tears weren't because he was remorseful, rather he got caught.

 

He won't go for an open relationship. I know him too well.

[Trialbyfire]

How did you feel when you found out he cheated on you?

[imac]

How did you feel when you found out he cheated on you?

 

Like my world came crashing down.

[shoesies05]

Im sorry but i dont believe that you dont feel any guilt. Why would you post this if you did? Why would you be looking for answers from people you dont know and why would you be thinking that much about what you are doing? Seems like you are looking to get yelled at by people to make yourself feel somewhat punished because you do feel guilty.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you have a plan for when you are busted? Eventually it will happen and you'll want to have some sort of plan in place.

 

What will you do when your H sits you down and tells you that he knows everything?

 

Here are some D-day things everyone who participates in an affair HAS to consider:

 

1. What will you do if your husband files for divorce?

2. Do you live in a fault or a no fault state?

3. What if you lose custody of your children?

4. What will you tell your children if you have to leave them?

5. What will you do when your H tells the W/SO's of the men you are sleeping with?

6. How will you support yourself if you are left alone?

7. Let's say H gives you a chance - would you be willing to go to COMPLETE no contact with your lovers, submit yourself both for complete STD testing and go to marriage counseling to save your family status?

[whichwayisup]

Do we have kids - yes.

 

Think of your children next time you're in bed with another man. Seems your husband isn't thinking of them either.....

 

Maybe it's time you and your husband talked about the affairs, his and yours. Make a decision to either fix the marriage by going to marriage counselling, or end it so you both can be with someone you love.

 

Two wrongs do NOT make a right!

 

You feel no guilt because you haven't dealt with your husband's affair. Your own pain is being dealt with by you having affairs, to make YOU feel better.

 

Again, think of your children. Someone needs to.

[Bryanp]

Let me see if I understand this correctly. Your husband cheated on you once and now for revenge you continue to cheat with a variety of men behind his back. You do understand that it will be a matter of time before he finds out and will certainly divorce you. In addition, since you have children he will go to court and show that you have been whoring around with a variety of men. How do you think the judge will rule? It is a matter of time before you will lose everything. Is it really worth it for you to lose your marriage, husband and children? Please get into therapy before you totally implode your life. I wish you luck.

[imac]

I'm not sleeping with other guys to get revenge at all. If it was revenge, I'd tell him I was doing it and ask him how it feels.

 

I won't get caught - but that's what they all say, don't they. There are no phone records or e-mails or love letters of the sort. I'm not spending countless hours with these guys, while they romance me. That's not the type of relationship I'm after. We all know the rules.

 

The story is so much longer.............I like sex. Not making love, which is what my husband has been giving me these past 6 months. He's changed a lot since I found out about the affair, but then again so have I. It's like we've switch roles. I tell him my sexual fantasies and it always leads into a fight.

 

Some of you may be right. I'm sleeping around because it does make me feel good about myself. All my thoughts aren't consumed into trying to figure out if my husband is still cheating (phone bills, checking up on his e-mail, etc.). At this point, I just don't seem to care about that.

 

And as for the kids, I live in a no-fault state. I am still a good mother. Just not a fantastic wife.

 

And there are no guarantees that he would leave me if he found out. I was POSITIVE that if I ever found out he was cheating, I would pack his stuff and leave. It just doesn't work that way.

[Bryanp]

It sounds to me that you are risking a great deal and hoping he does not find out and leaves you. Is it really really worth risking losing everything?

[whichwayisup]

And as for the kids, I live in a no-fault state. I am still a good mother. Just not a fantastic wife.

 

I'm sure you both are good parents, but not good role models for your own children. IMAGINE how they're gonna feel if they find out that mom and dad are cheating on eachother. You have no idea the pain it will cause them.

 

You and your husband are both being selfish. Either get to marriage counselling and fix your marriage or get a divorce!

[BruiserKC]

I'm not sleeping with other guys to get revenge at all. If it was revenge, I'd tell him I was doing it and ask him how it feels.

 

I won't get caught - but that's what they all say, don't they. There are no phone records or e-mails or love letters of the sort. I'm not spending countless hours with these guys, while they romance me. That's not the type of relationship I'm after. We all know the rules.

 

The story is so much longer.............I like sex. Not making love, which is what my husband has been giving me these past 6 months. He's changed a lot since I found out about the affair, but then again so have I. It's like we've switch roles. I tell him my sexual fantasies and it always leads into a fight.

 

Some of you may be right. I'm sleeping around because it does make me feel good about myself. All my thoughts aren't consumed into trying to figure out if my husband is still cheating (phone bills, checking up on his e-mail, etc.). At this point, I just don't seem to care about that.

 

And as for the kids, I live in a no-fault state. I am still a good mother. Just not a fantastic wife.

 

And there are no guarantees that he would leave me if he found out. I was POSITIVE that if I ever found out he was cheating, I would pack his stuff and leave. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Speaking for myself...if I found out you were cheating on me...I'd throw you out of the house so fast your head would spin. The very next day I'd be out filing for divorce, sole custody of our kids, and fighting every which way possible to make sure you never see a dime of money from me ever again.

 

I'm sorry, I have a no-tolerance stance on cheating. There isn't ANY reason whatsoever to justify it, on either your side of things or his. You obviously have an issue with it as you're on here trying to justify it to us. What the two of you are doing is wrong. But what you are doing, IMHO, is much worse by saying it's OK.

[Trialbyfire]

Like my world came crashing down.

I think you've answered your own questions. A cheater makes the other person feel worthless. I know, I've been cheated on.

 

There appear to be two ways that people try to get back control from the violation (yes, it is a violation of you as a person), they either cheat back or they take a no-tolerance stance and rip the cheater to pieces. Myself, I took the second stance because I still value myself enough to know that I will not allow something like this to erode on my personal integrity. I will also never cheat because I know what it feels like for this to happen to me.

[norajane]

Speaking for myself...if I found out you were cheating on me...I'd throw you out of the house so fast your head would spin. The very next day I'd be out filing for divorce, sole custody of our kids, and fighting every which way possible to make sure you never see a dime of money from me ever again.

 

I'm sorry, I have a no-tolerance stance on cheating. There isn't ANY reason whatsoever to justify it, on either your side of things or his. You obviously have an issue with it as you're on here trying to justify it to us. What the two of you are doing is wrong. But what you are doing, IMHO, is much worse by saying it's OK.

 

Well, her husband is also saying it's OK to cheat, since he is still seeing his OW and won't stop.

[Bryanp]

Norajane:

 

Where does she say that her husband is still seeing the OW?

[BruiserKC]

But two wrongs don't make a right. It's absolutely ridiculous to justify it, even if someone else thinks it's OK. It's like all those years we had people that thought slavery was OK.

[norajane]

Norajane:

 

Where does she say that her husband is still seeing the OW?

 

Ah, you're right...that's another thread...I'm getting the cheaters mixed up.