Not even 1 year yet

[archer269]

ive been married for 10 months and i also have 3 children whom i have custody of from a prev. marriage. My wife recently told me that she was unhappy and doesnt want to do this anymore. i asked if she was still in love with me and she said she didnt know. our problems have arrised from my lack of paying attention to my kids. (unrealised until now) Ive startred to paymore attention to them and spend more time with them. i have been recently allowed back into our bed and yet i am still told she doesnt know. does anyone have any suggestions that may help me save my very still new marriage from disaster?

[PussInHeels]

Sounds like you've really managed to rub her the wrong way, but you've recognized what the problem was, and it appears that you're acting to correct. You can't go back in time and erase your errors, but you're doing what you can now. I can't say if that's enough or not, but maybe it'll take a little more time. Just be patient, give her a little space, and keep doing whatever you did that resulted in return of your bed privileges.

[brickaney]

Maybe she's scared that this marriage will fail too. Women tend to expect men to do things without being asked. Give her a friendly reminder that you are not psychic. Give more than what she's asking for.

It sounds like she is overwhelmed and needs you to help lift off some stress. When she says she is not sure how she feels about you, it sounds more like a threat. It's as though she is saying, be what I want you to be or I'm leaving. She needs to be asking you to do things more, instead of assuming you know what she needs, and she needs to show appreciation for the things you do. Find some books to help you marriage. Some, like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" are rational, quick and easy to read, and worth your time. It sounds corny and dumb but it should help. Plus you won't have to pay some marriage councelor or have to share everything with a stranger.

Basically this issue sounds more like it's her problem, rather than yours. Get help though> more for her, but don't tell her that because it will offend her. She has been through a marriage that didn't work out and there's obviously a pattern she is seeing> so change that by giving her some guidance. She will be more reluctant to getting help if she doesn't feel valued and appreciated. She could be the smartest, most experienced person in the world but other perspectives and advice are always out there to improve a person. Plus changing your marriage could only take a few tweaks and it would make the world of a difference.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe she's scared that this marriage will fail too. Women tend to expect men to do things without being asked. Give her a friendly reminder that you are not psychic. Give more than what she's asking for.

It sounds like she is overwhelmed and needs you to help lift off some stress. When she says she is not sure how she feels about you, it sounds more like a threat. It's as though she is saying, be what I want you to be or I'm leaving. She needs to be asking you to do things more, instead of assuming you know what she needs, and she needs to show appreciation for the things you do. Find some books to help you marriage. Some, like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" are rational, quick and easy to read, and worth your time. It sounds corny and dumb but it should help. Plus you won't have to pay some marriage councelor or have to share everything with a stranger.

Basically this issue sounds more like it's her problem, rather than yours. Get help though> more for her, but don't tell her that because it will offend her. She has been through a marriage that didn't work out and there's obviously a pattern she is seeing> so change that by giving her some guidance. She will be more reluctant to getting help if she doesn't feel valued and appreciated. She could be the smartest, most experienced person in the world but other perspectives and advice are always out there to improve a person. Plus changing your marriage could only take a few tweaks and it would make the world of a difference.

 

I so disagree with this post.

 

Sounds more to me like she is overwhelmed with HIS children. And I mean that in the nicest way. Its just that he brings three kids to a marriage and then leaves them on his new W. I imagine the kids might be giving her a hard time and she just feels that she didn't sign up for this. I don't see that as a threat at all. Even a woman that loves her stepchildren expects their bio-dad to handle his kids mostly. Especially in this sitch where they haven't even been M for a year yet.

 

archer, keep doing whatever it is that you have started. I think she was just feeling neglected and unappreciated and overwhelmed. She probably just needs you to do more than what you were doing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sounds more to me like she is overwhelmed with HIS children. And I mean that in the nicest way. Its just that he brings three kids to a marriage and then leaves them on his new W. I imagine the kids might be giving her a hard time and she just feels that she didn't sign up for this.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. Few jobs in the world with more downside and less upside than "step-parent". Often the kids don't mind or respect you, you are "persona non grata" to the ex and underappreciated by your spouse. Sounds like that's what happened here.

 

As NoIDidn't said, it's repairable. All you have to do is think about what it'd be like to raise 3 kids on your own - you should thank the kid's Stepmom (verbally and through your actions) every day for her help.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Annacabana]

Also, if she is sees you not spending time with your children, she may be worried that you won't spend time with your future children that you may have together. I wouldn't want that for my kids.

[archer269]

Thank you for you input. I already appreciate what she has gone through already, and i have told her that too.

UPDATE: She now has resorted to going out and just telling me shes out with friends she hides her phone and get many text messages. she now sleeps on the couch. i have written her a letter telling her how i feel and what i miss about US and didnt mention sex thats not what we are about i hope. she tells me im presuring her. my oldest daughter was giving her a hard time (woman of the house competition) during the summer and i had tried many avenues of approach. what it boiled down to was a bigger bitch contest. (my wife won) that needed to be done by her not me. now it seem no matter what i say or try or do doesnt work or gets her mad. I cant even do har a favor without her accusing me of something. Im going crazy and getting to the point of letting her go so she can be happy.

[Pink_Tulip]

my oldest daughter was giving her a hard time (woman of the house competition) during the summer and i had tried many avenues of approach. what it boiled down to was a bigger bitch contest. (my wife won) that needed to be done by her not me.

 

This is a huge red flag for me. Never, ever, should a step parent have to be in a postion of control or authority over a step child, ever. Especially if that child is a teenager. YOU are the parent, YOU should have demanded your daughter respect her step mother, and YOU should have punished her if she was being a brat. And your wife should never have exerted any control or authority over your daughter. It sounds to me like you abandoned both of them when they needed you to step in and handle the situation. There will probably never be peace between them unless you are involved.

 

Unfortunately, it is very common for women to not say a word about not being happy until they have reached the point of no return. If she is telling you now she is unhappy, take it very seriously. If you wait to see what happens, it will be too late. I would recommend counseling immediately, with family counseling down the line. It sounds to me like your wife is emotionally moving on from you. The longer you wait to get some professional help, the less likely you will be to salvage your marriage, IMO. Good luck.

[archer269]

I do take my W very seriously and the problem between my W and D is now in the past except when we are arguing. I have also told my D that i wont accept that behavior any longer. I have also told my W that she doesnt need to be in a position of authority and that she has no obligation. but she tells me that i havent and she felt that she needed to do it. i am doing a much better job of paying attention to them and my W. but she still says she doesnt know. this has been going on for a month and as much as i want it to stop ive got a much longer road to travel. i wish she would talk to someone other than a single male for "advice"

[LucreziaBorgia]

i wish she would talk to someone other than a single male for "advice"

 

She needs to stop going to this guy for "advice", and you need to stop going to your "internet girlfriend" for advice. Your marriage cannot even begin to be repaired as long as you and she are relying on outside sources for emotional fulfillment. Both of you need to end these outside relationships permanently with 'no contact', commit to marriage counseling and see what there is to be fixed, if anything. If, after a period of couseling you two find that there is nothing there worth fixing - then start the separation/divorce proceedings.