Waiting.... until when?

[t29s2001]

I'm not sure whether my story falls under this category, but here goes anyway.

 

I've been in love with this girl since 7 years ago. We're friends in college, but somehow due to circumstances and different career plan, we both got separated. I never actually tell her that I have feeling for her, nor have I made any move in showing my feeling toward her. Pure basic friendship between the two of us. I just keep my feeling to myself.

 

Anyhow, we've been separated for 4 years when out of the blue I have this love feeling grows on me again. I called her and we decided to go together to a class reunion, as a friend of course, as she did not know my feeling toward her.

 

When I took her home, I uttered my feeling. She said she's in deep relationship with someone, but things were complicated. It turned out that she fell in love with a married man, and he promised her to get divorced and married her. The question is when and how long should she wait?

 

After she told me this, I told her that I would wait for her. No matter the decision is. Then, I made my move, days would not go by without me calling her, asking her to go out (which we did go out), buying her roses, presents and basically i pampered her for the last three months.

 

I keep reiterating my feeling toward her, and everytime she always say, "Thank you for all the things you gave me. But I'm still waiting for him..."

 

Just last week she called me and wanted to see me. She admitted that the married man gave her extra attention since I came into her life. She said to me "Thanks to you now he gave me that special attention I've been longing for". The married guy still wanted the girl to wait for him, its just a matter of time and financially secured (his wife is paying most of the bills) to get divorced from his wife. He now have one kid, just under five years old.

 

At the end of our meeting, she said that she gave her lover a second chance. I said "No matter what, I'd be waiting for you".

Put it simply, she's willing to wait, and so do I.

 

My problem is I almost reach a point that I could no longer wait. I'm totally confused. The married man always says that his family life is miserable. Is it appropriate for me to find out the truth about the guy and his family?

 

I also wonder whether she and I have a chance of being together. I'm a religious man, so no matter slim the chance is, I remain optimistic of the whole thing, although I sometimes feel this is insane, as most of my friends already suggest me to forget about her.

 

I really do love the girl but I'm willing to leave her if she asks me too. The problem is that she never specifically asks me too, saying that she will lose me as a friend.

 

Totally confused on what to do next...

 

 

cheers

[Tony T]

First, I must ask you. If you're looking for true love that will stand the test of time...why would you want to pursue a lady who goes for married men? That doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Chances are very good this lady you're interested in likes men who aren't available, either physically or emotionally. Once this man gets a divorce, it's likely she will no longer be interested in him and will continue to pursue men who are distant or unattainable in some way.

 

Not only do you not stand a chance with this gal...but you shouldn't want to have anything to do with her. If she sees nothing wrong with going after a married man, even though he now promises to get a divorce (the oldest lie on the planet), she would see absolutely nothing wrong with cheating on you if you were her boyfriend or married to her.

 

Don't even think for a minute that she's telling you the entire truth about what's going on. As a matter of fact, she may not even know herself. All she knows is what she feels and what this guy is telling her about his marriage and pending divorce. It could all be a big lie.

 

Take a real cold shower and get away from this mess. Why would you want to let this lady manipulate you by keeping you around like a little puppy dog while she waits for what she thinks she really wants? She does not want you...or she would make herself available to you. She has made this very clear. So take her at her word. And there's no reason for being friends because that's not what you want. You want a romance with her and she doesn't want a romance with you. She has been very clear and honest about that point...and you don't seem to be able to take hints.

 

There are so many wonderful women in your part of the world it should be very easy to find a nice, single lady who isn't involved with anybody for dating and for marriage if that's what you want.

 

Get away from this lady ASAP!!! She's making a real fool out of you.

[t29s2001]

Thanks for the fast reply Tony. I really do appreciate it.

 

I do however, have to disagree with your opinion in her chasing after married man. It just seemed the guy came at the right time and place.

 

She told me that she met him when she was all alone doing her study abroad (which is true). With no parents support, she had to pay for tuition fees, living costs etc. plus she had nobody to look up to. Please bear in mind this happened during Asia crisis, in which it was nearly impossible for anybody to go abroad due to sharp drop in currency rate. So the guy came, filled her emptiness, including some of her bills, I suppose.

 

So basically thats what led her into falling for this married man.

 

On another of your opinion on her not knowing herself, I agree. She told me numerous times, even just know, that she remains confused on what to do next.

 

I uttered my intention for marriage last weekend, when she told me that she gave the married man a second chance. But then she said again that she's waiting for him and giving him another chance. The married man even came into her house and met her mom which is an unexpected thing. It is a disgrace for us in my country (well, at least for our big family) to marry a widower, let alone being involved with a married man! FYI, Im 27 and I'm feeling time is runnig out for me to finally rest my love on one person. I dont fall in love easily, as a matter of fact, this is my only second state of being falling in love.

 

Of me not taking hints, you might be true. It's just I hate the reality of losing her. Another thing is, I want to know the real household life of the married man? Is he telling the truth? Or not? Can I help the girl by telling her the truth?

 

But I still do hope for a miracle, or am I hoping too much?

 

If I do leave her, should I meet her for the last time and demand for her decision? I really want to know the real situation of her and the married man, but I dont want to look pushy.

 

ps:

 

Funny thing is, just last week she told me that her savings is depleting fast. I offer to help her, but so far she declined. BTW, she's jobless and I've looked jobs for her more than I look for jobs for myself ;-)

[Tony T]

It's very nice of you to make excuses for her. That's very sweet.

 

I can see now that you will have to use this as a learning experience. Do what you will. Very often we must go through experiences in order to get the full flavor of the lesson.

 

Good luck with your project.

[t29s2001]

I dont know what to do Tony...

 

I understand what you're saying is that I simply must pack up my bags and not even contact the girl no more.

 

On the other side, I do hope miracle happens.

 

I thank you once again for shedding more lights into reality, and that's what I actually hope to happen on the girl as well.

 

Do you have any other thing to add to help me to make up my mind, Tony? Please....

 

Thank you...

[BeReal]

Hi,

 

It sounds like this woman really has her heart set on the married man. If it doesn't work out, then she should need time to heal. It wouldn't be wise to get into a new relationship with you so fast. If you decide to wait for her, and she leaves the married man, then just stay her friend for a while until she heals. Otherwise you could end up being in a rebound relationship.

[MercyRose]

Never waste your time going after a girl who wants somebody else and thinks she is, or is in love with him-its a waste of time.

 

I am a girl, and whenever I have been in a relationship, no man would ever interest me apart from the guy I was with.

 

It doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, she will not want you.

 

The best thing you can do is leave her to it. She will get hurt by this man but you have to let her. She obviously is not in a position to see clearly and won't listen to reason or logic.

 

Distance yourself, don't chase after her at all. Tell her you want her to be happy and that you decided to stay as her friend. Then move on with your life.

 

Don't wait for her at all. This man may lead her on for years.

 

But I am going to give you advice on what to do if he leaves her soon-because I know its what you are hoping for.

 

Stay as her friend. Don't tell her you want her or will wait for her because you will only push her away or she will just use you for comfort and not develop real feelings for you. Just be their for her till she gets over it. That may take many months.

 

Again, you must put your life forward, see other people. If you see signs she is starting to like you after months of comforting her and being her friend, and you are not in a relationship, and you stilll want her-go for it.

 

Its easy to tell people in love to give up and move on, which is the right advice in your case, but if you are in love this advice really doesn't help because deep down you already know it.

 

Just to give you a little spark of hope, I shouldn't really But I fell for my second bf because he was a good friend to me and comforted me during a break up to someone who I was in love with.

 

My affection for him grew because of his patience to listen to me and his sweetness-as a friend. When he saw, after months upon months that I was finally over bf no 1 he made his move, and I realized that because his patience and sweetness he won my heart. It was the sweetest relationship I ever had.

 

I don't want to get your hopes to high because the girl you love is still in a relationship. All my advice is for when she is out of the relationship because I feel its what you are waiting for.

 

Don't wait for her because like I said earlier, it may take years, but if it happens soon and you still feel the same way-you know what to do

[quankanne]

don't even think about trying to dig up information about the guy just so you can share it with this girl. Believe me, she'll resent you for it! Right now, you're enabling her to have this poor excuse of a relationship with a married man (he's being more attentive to her now that you're in the picture? What does she tell him about you? Is she using your affection to make him jealous?). If you do anything to change that, she's not going to be very happy about it.

 

As much as you care about this girl, you probably ought to chalk it up to a living experience. If she had any feelings about you being her boyfriend or being in a serious relationship with you, she would have explored them by now. Chances are, you're the tool she's using to keep this married guy interested in her, and you don't need to be used like that.

 

Someone had mentioned that if she's okay with having a personal relationship with a married man, then she'll probably find it okay to have a relationship with someone else while she's with you, and I think that tends to be true. You deserve better than some fickle chicky who's obviously playing both sides to her benefit.

[t29s2001]

To Quankanne:

 

Thank you for your input. Im actually gonna meet a friend of mine who works in the same office as the married man's wife. Im trying to ask my friend if he can dig up a little bit more on the married man's family life.

 

So, I think its a good advice from you, quankanne. I know that I actually jeopardise my future relationship with the girl if she finds out im doing this to the married man.

 

It's just that I hate sitting around and doing nothing but waiting..*sigh

 

To MercyRose:

 

Also thanks for the input. Im actually trying to do that. But could you please elaborate more in distancing myself from her?

 

I miss her badly and when I call her I cannot resist to tell her how much I love her, care for her and willing to wait for her. I know it sounds pushy, a drag or even an annoyance to the girl. But I just cant help it.

 

Should I not contact her at all? Or do you think its okay to just say hello, once for a while?

 

I also need more input of your 2nd BF in which you say he's there for you and always listen for you. Does he ever mention that he love you from the beginning? Or does he just comfort you as a friend?

 

I know that my only chance now is just be there as her friend until time tells what the final decision. Now how do I act as friend, when I know that I want more than that from her?

 

One more thingy, it might sound personal. Do you mind if i ask you whether you still go out with your BF 2? :-)

 

Thanks again everybody...

 

More inputs and advice still badly needed, though :-)

[MercyRose]

You have to stop telling her you love her. You have to practice self control. I know when you love someone so much you want to tell them. But...she doesn't love you back. So all you are doing is making her feel ultra desired, giving her a weapon to make her married bf jealous and also pushing her way.

 

I know you say you can't stop telling her you love her but maybe this situation is a lesson for you to learn self control. You have experienced what its like to love, but now you have to learn to only give your love when someone gives you love back. I guess thats called self respect and self love. You will have to learn these life lessons at your own pace.

 

I know its wrong for her to be with a married man, but tell her you have decided to accept her choice and just act as her friend.

 

And yes, like you said call her every now and then to say hello. Only call more often as a friend IF she breaks up with him.

 

My 'after she breaks up' advice is for if she breaks up with her bf soon. Don't wait for her at all. You must move on with your life, have fun, date others. She may not break up for many years because she has to learn her life lesson at her own pace too.

 

Something I do when I feel love for someone and yet all I feel during that particular relationship is confusion, hurt, unequal return of love is say to myself "is this situation making me happy, bringing me joy?" If the answer is no, then I know its not good enough for me, so I move on.

 

With bf 2 I knew what it felt like to have equal return of love, thats why it was the sweetest relationship I ever had. I was completely happy-for quite a while. But when things started to change and sour I asked myself that same question-and moved on. There are no guarantees in love.

 

To answer your other question bf no2 comforted me as a friend and never told me he loved me. He only told me he loved me when we were in a romantic relationship-after he won my heart

 

All this advice from everyone is good, and you will need it for a quite a while until you are ready or capable to make use of all of it. So print out all the posts and read them very often over the months. With time your perception,desires and needs from the situation you are in will change,and you will see advice in the posts differently than you do now, and it will still be helping you

[Jenna]

I've got 2 pieces of advice for you, 1 negative which I'll say first - I think it might be possible that you have got so obsessed by this girl that you need to ask yourself - are you in love with the idea of getting her all to yourself rather than actually being in love with her?

No honestly - I think if you did get her you might wonder what on earth it is you loved about her, the relationship might be totally empty. You have done lovely things for her but can you name 10 reasons why this relationship (if it happened) would be any good for you? What does she do for you? It seems you do all the 'doing' of nice things, what is she doing?

 

I honestly think you are in that terrible mess of getting obsessed with getting something that you can't have and it is making you crazy. I hope I don't sound mean or tactless - it's just I've been there and it drives you mad. And yes on one occasion I got what i thought i wanted and do you know what happened ...a few weeks in to the relationship I started getting mad with the man for all the stress he had put me through beforehand and I resented him and the main lesson I learned here was that it was nothing as wonderful as i had imagined, most of it had all been in my head!

 

And looking back I couldn't believe I wasted so much energy on him not to mention how embaressed I feel when I remember the stupid things I did to get him and the lengths I went to get him.

 

Life is too short!!!

 

If you are still hooked on going after her then I will give you this advice....it's more positive....I was in a relationship with someone who was no good for me (another one!) and I had a great male friend who I knew would be happy to be with me in a relationship but no I stayed with the bad guy.

 

The good guy would do anything for me - give me presents, money and listen to me and basically would be there for me whenever I needed him.

 

I didn't appreciate this good guy at all - he was so available, there was no challenge - not like with the bad guy.

Anyway in the end my good guy eventually met someone else - yes he did and when he was suddenly not in my life, not ringing me etc.., I realised just how much he meant to me and how stupid I had been for letting him go. I did get with the good guy in the end and am still with him!

 

So - if I was you, I really, really woud try distancing yourself from her, don't be there for her etc..., if you can't face the thought of this then do it just for a week - promise yourself that for a week you will cool it. Just keep yourself busy then if you have not heard form her and you really feel you must....call her when the week is up and ask how she is.......don't sound too keen when you call and you may find she has had time to think and may have soemthing different to say.

 

Of course if you ring and start telling her how sorry you are for not being in touch and that you've missed her she will think - aha he is still here for me and it will just go back to how it's always been. Her waiting for him and you for her.

 

I hope this is of some use to you and good luck.

[Ed]

Dear t29s2001,

 

Jenna has given you the most valuable advice you can get. Tony and others suggest this same thing all the time. Now you have heard it, first hand from a woman.

 

The best chance you have of getting this girl to be your girlfriend is to do what Jenna said!!! Make yourself unavailable and don't tell her your feelings all the time. This may not work in this case, but what you are doing now is not working either.

 

Not seeing her and talking to her so much may win her over, but if it doesn't, it will still work in your favor by gradually moving her out of your life altogether. It is by far the best thing for you to do.

[t29s2001]

Thanks so much Jenna... and the rest of you guys...

 

Listening to what you've all said in this forum really eased me down, although I sometimes cry remembering on how distant and hard for me to reach for her...

 

Anyhow, last night we chatted over the phone as she's getting a job interview this coming Friday. She wanted advice on some interview tricks etc. in which I'm actually used to, considering I have changed jobs for a number of times :-)

 

After we chatted on the serious issues, we moved into talking about a sponsored reunion dinner in which I asked her to come along (her and I were from the same uni). Then she suddenly asked whether the married man could come along to the dinner. The married man came from different uni but from the same city.

 

I was kinda pissed off and showed it through my voice tone. She asked me whether I was alright and I said I was fine. Then I just said to her "Is that all u want to talk about, interview and dinner? Nothing else?" I kinda sensed she hoped me to chat for some more (we used to talk for hours over the phone), but she said "Yes". So we both said Good Night and parted.

 

I could not stand that I did not tell her the truth. So I paged her right on and said, "You were right, I was kinda turned off with what you said and you surely knew why. Anyhow, if you want him (the married man) to come you can call xxx" She paged me back and said "No harm was done (yet). I'll tell him (the married man) about the number"

 

So basically that's what happened last night. I have also restrained myself in contacting her this past two weeks. It had been hard, however. I used to page her 10x a day, plus phoning her everyday. Now, I only paged her once a day and no calls.

 

I feel that I'm torturing myself, but if you guys think this is the way to go in getting her love for me, I'd sacrifice anything. I also realise that I might lose her faster by not contacting her ie. giving the married man's presence even greater in front of her eyes.

 

So basically that's my dilemma. On one side, if Im not making myself "available" by not contacting her or pulling out of her life, she might realise that I was a better option (well, according to me :-) At least Im single). On the other hand, if I distance myself, the married guy could then say "See, the guy's love is untrue." And he'd be in a much better positioned in having her once and for all as I'm already distanced myself from the girl. I'm afraid that he thinks that he's been successful in erasing me out of the picture.

 

To Jenna:

 

I'm wondering about the good guy you're with right now. If you don't mind me asking, when you said that he distanced himself from you, what exactly did he do? I mean, he surely called you now and then, but did his voice sound resentful toward you?

How did he actually do when he distanced himself from you?

 

Because I was not proud on how I treated her last night. I felt mad, angry and tired because she kept mentioning the married man in front of me. But again, I was a little bit happy as I showed her my true feelings toward her: love and jealousy at the same time...

 

I'm confused and afraid of the consequences.....

[Ed]

Dear t,

 

I am sorry that you don't understand the advice being offered to you. I don't know how much more clear it can be presented. Maybe Jenna can give you some more details. The bottom line is.....you need to find other, more constructive, things to do and think about.

 

This woman you are talking about has the freedom to persue any man she wishes. She is not just sitting around waiting to see who gives her the most attention.

 

She has freely choosen to take interest in a married man.

 

There is a remote chance you can spark some interest in you if you play it cool, lay off and quit obsessing over who she likes the most.

[t29s2001]

Hi Ed,

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

I understand now what I have to do, which is to distance myself away from her.

And I believe that I have taken baby steps toward such move, although it was hard. I also know this may dragged me on for months as it seemed impossible for me to totally flush her out of my life. Moreover, I want to try to act solely as a friend with hope and dream of getting her heart at the end.

 

I want to you guys wish me luck and pray for me that at the end my love for her could come true.

 

Any extra advice is also welcomed, though...

 

Once again, thank you so much. this is the most encouraging and uplifting forum in my life.

 

BTW, I have only shared this with 2 of my friends due to society culture in my country. As such, I could not speak to more people to share my feelings and It stressed me a lot.

 

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart......

[t29s2001]

Hi everyone, hope that everybody is doing fine. Especially those who have offered me advice thru this forum. It does help, after numerous times reading them...

 

Well, I just wanna give you guys on some updates...

 

As previously suggested, I tried to distance myself from the girl. Not completely, however, as it remained hard for me to simply walk away completely.

 

Less calls, contacts thru SMS and I even managed to stop calling her for 2 days! Well, thats an achievement, at least for me :-)

 

Anyhow, she was supposed to get a call back from a job interview yesterday after she passed the 1st interview last week (if anybody remembered). So, I called her yesterday to see how she's doing. Turned out that no call came up (yet).

 

Then I asked her what she's doing. She said that she's going to get a present for a friend. She also said that she's gonna get the present at a mall, which was close to where the married man worked. That's where the conversation ended, as I could not stand hearing that she remained involved with the guy. It just hurt my feeling. This happened in the afternoon.

 

At nighttime (last night, that is), I could not help myself than to send another SMS saying that I still loved+missed her (I'm sorry Jenna, could not follow your advice completely..). Same reply from her: "Thank you..."

 

Anyhow, we then chatted on another reunion dinner we're gonna have next weekend. I already gave up my seat on the dinner as I could not stand watching her close to the married man. She didn't know that I would not come. To make the story short, she'd implied that she wanted to sit with the married man. This was kinda impossible as the tables have been arranged beforehand by the reunion committee. I said to her that I would look into what I can do.

 

I also asked her whom she's going with to the dinner. She then said that she's gonna pick up the married man from work then drove together to the place. The news struck me again. But then I managed to tell her that I would see her there, not mentioning that I would not come...

 

Well, that's the updates....

 

I think Im just gonna do what everybody's saying here since today. To simply walk away from her, or at least just being her friend for a while. If somehow she breaks up with him and she finally clears her mind, I probably would then make a move.

 

I'm still in love with her but for the past two weeks I believe I have managed to recompose myself in the thoughts that I may not have her love at all. I can face the fact that shes in love with the married man, not with me...

 

Whatever happens down the road, only God knows...

 

All of your advise is priceless. I keep reading them over and over again everyday wherever I am. They somehow give me a boost in facing reality in my love life.

 

Thank you so much.......

[yes]

you must be masochist!

simply cut all contact with her. ALL. NO CALLS. NO SMS. NO PAGING.

just get away from her!! she's a mean bitch. if she loved u at all, even as a friend, she would never torture you like this. it is absolutely obvious that she prefers someone else over you. so what, you have no dignity??

i dont believe u...

just get away, that's all the advice i can give. yes, u'll hurt for a month or two, but then u'll be able to move on and find somebody worthy, who wont treat u like crap, and who'll prefer you to all other men.

 

good luck buddy

-yes

[MercyRose]

To yes:

 

Your advice is the right advice, but its easier said then done in some cases.

 

The fact that t29s2001 is taking baby steps is good too. He shoud be encouraged to

continue

 

To t29s2001

 

Keep on making the effort, believe me these tiny little steps will get bigger with time and one day you will look back on this experience and feel strong.

[yes]

in my experience, a clean cut is much easier than baby-steps. it's like ripping off the band-aid all at once instead of prolonging the pain by ripping it off slowly.

-yes

[t29s2001]

Hi all,

 

How's ur weekend? Hope that everybody's having a great weekend...

 

I went out of town for the weekend to get some time to think on where my relationship with the girl would go at this stage. I know what I must do is to distance myself further from this girl. But to follow yes' advice is quite impossible for me. The girl, I believe, is emotionally unstable. She has rough times at home, and with no jobs for almost 5 months now and nothing to do, I just cant' quite simply to cut her off completely from my life.

 

Well, I just have another story to tell:

 

Remember when I said that I would help her to get the same table for her and the married man? I finally did it! Somehow I managed to cut thru red tape and arranged for her sitting next to the married man. When I told her about this, she just said, "Thank you, but now I cant take pictures with you guys..." Again, she tested my temper, but I tried to cool off and said, "There's gonna be a small photo studio, where you and your boyfriend can take some sort of formal picture..."

 

She replied, "Well, I know it must be hard for you to say that. Anyhow, I want to apologise if I offended you earlier."

 

I was confused on what she's trying to say, but I could not compose myself and broke down in tears (yet again). I did not reply her SMS.

 

No further news from her over the weekend. I felt kinda lonely but I managed to hold myself from contcating her.

 

As for now, wish me luck, everybody...

Again, no words from me cant express my gratitude towards all of you guys for the advice....Thank you 1000x

 

cheers