blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 ok so i have been in a ldr for 1 year 6 months now. We are both 21. For the last month she has been frequenting the bars alot with her friends. She has also been getting drunk and about 2 weeks ago i caught her lying to me about being drunk at a club. then a week later she is driving back sober form a club and calls me at 2 am to tell me how much she detests the bar scene and that she is so happy she is with me and loves me sooooo much. Now tonight she went to another club with her friend and had 3 screwdrivers and when she called me a 130 am i told her i worry when she drinks so much at a bar or club so far away and she basically yelled at me for not letting her have fun and said "im 21 and ill drink at a club if i ****ing want, now i love you alot but i cant deal with you tonight so ill talk to you tomorrow". The whole time i hear some guy talking **** in the background and shes teling me how she was just talking to a bouncer!!!!!! i dont know what to do whether to call it quits or what because i cant handle my gf getting drunk at bars and clubs when im not around. someone please help im loosing sleep over this ****!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 please anyone????? Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 1. LDRs are hard, even in the best of circumstances. Even moreso when you are young. Communication is vital, also to get to know the other person better. It is relatively easy to keep in touch with a person every couple of days, but it is much harder to actually discover who the other is. Talk about values, dreams, aspirations, is much harder. How much time did you spend in real life together? Because if it does not amount to much, the LDR is very likely to be doomed. 2. She seems to be drinking a lot, without you around. Could be because she is finally allowed to. A more or less new experience. Do you have an issue with the fact that she is going to bars, or that she ends up drunk too often? Could be because she can't think of other ways to have 'fun', and it could be that she does not really value the relationship as much as you do. 3. There is a definitive clash of perspectives here. As LDRs are hard because the other is not around, trust issues arise easily. You can make a final attempt to discuss her drinking behavior. Tell her why it upsets you and why it gives you a lot of doubts about the whole relationship. However, this is not guaranteed to solve the problem. 4. If she avoids a discussion on the issue, when you bring it up, you will also have your answer; sadly not the one you are hoping for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 i dont necessarily have an issue with her doing the club and bar scene but i do have an issue with her drinking when im not around in that kind of environment. It makes it worse when she has lied to me once already regarding drinking. when i try to discuss it she gets angry and very defensive and basically says i need to get over it. i guess if i cant deal with her drinking at bars and clubs and if she isnt willing to work on it at all then there isnt much else to do but say take a hike!!!! man this is gonna mess me up bad lol Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 If she's doing something that is bothering you and has lied about it, is she giving you the respect that you deserve in a relationship? Strong relationships are give and take, with a good mix of trust, respect, liking and loving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 yes thats true i mean she has always been very honest but when she lied to me regarding drinking it really just made things so hard and the kicker is she told me she lied because she knew that if she told me she "was" drinking that id get mad. i dont know what to do because i love her but i think its alos a matter of how long we have been together, the effort time and money put into the relationship and also the times and god,,,,,,, i just dont know if i have the will to break up with her if it comes to that and im sure it sounds pitiful but i just love her soooo much lol this really sucks Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 I hear you. I know what it's like to really care about someone but still have to break up because they do something that you can't live with. Talk it out with her tomorrow. Explain that the drinking really, really bothers you one more time, explain that her lying to you before just to get her way has made you lose some respect for her. If she can't understand and gets aggressively defensive about it, you know what you have to do but at least you gave it one more shot. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 trial i really appreciate the comment man i mean i just wish it didnt have to end over her not willing to meet me midway. is it that unreasonable for me to ask her not to get drunk at bars or clubs when im not there???? im totally cool with her going wherever but alcohol impairs judgement and i justam trying to look out for her but i guess things happen for a reason so yea ill end this rant Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 If the roles were reversed would she be putting up with such crap from you? I think you need to take a real hard look at your relationship. You have girlfriend who enjoys going to to bars and clubs and getting smashed. Are you proud that you have a girlfriend that does this and lies to you about it? She does not respect you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 to be honest bryam if the roles were reversed she would be putting up with me going to bars getting trashed because she thinks it ok to do that. when someone feels that what they are doing is normal for a 21 yr old in a ldr then thats her decision but i just dont know how to find a medium ground. hell i dont even know how to say were done. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 LDRs are not real relationships and usually end in disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 well im not sure why you say that alpha but since day one we have made the effort to visit each other every weekend for the last 1 and half years........ our families have met and ive gone on trips with her and dinners,movies etc. the only difference is from tuesday to thursday i dont see her and the occasional weekend like this one. our weekend is usually from friday to monday so i dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 the only difference is from tuesday to thursday i dont see her and the occasional weekend like this one. and thats exactly when she's messing around behind your back (which is quite far away) Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 so alpha you believe my gf is cheating on me??? what in my posts stood out to you to make you think this? Please help me out bro i mean if i need to dump this chick im ready to but i just dont want to make a mistake and end up regretting it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 so alpha you believe my gf is cheating on me??? what in my posts stood out to you to make you think this? Please help me out bro i mean if i need to dump this chick im ready to but i just dont want to make a mistake and end up regretting it. um...yea...lets see: she's hitting the barsshe's drinking excessivelyshe's lyinganything else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 but i mean other than lying to me once isnt a 21 yr old girl supposed to be going to bars and clubs with friends and drinking to celebrate turning 21 this year???? Just dont want to seem like a controlling Bf by saying i dont want you to go out drinking to clubs bars when im not there. so alpha do you think i should talk to her or just cut bait? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 so alpha do you think i should talk to her or just cut bait? the decision is yours...if she's easily replaceable then I'd cut 'n run... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 but i mean other than lying to me once isnt a 21 yr old girl supposed to be going to bars and clubs with friends and drinking to celebrate turning 21 this year???? Just dont want to seem like a controlling Bf by saying i dont want you to go out drinking to clubs bars when im not there. so alpha do you think i should talk to her or just cut bait? Why don't you go out to bars and drink, and see if she likes that? Maybe if you had some fun without her, you wouldn't be sitting around waiting for her drunk calls and she'd start to understand how it feels... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 well if i do that im basically saying its ok for her to do the same and to be honest going to bars and getting hammered isnt my thing as much as having wine and taking it easy. I am not into the whole club bar scene but i may need to start going but thanks for the advice guys Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 well if i do that im basically saying its ok for her to do the same and to be honest going to bars and getting hammered isnt my thing as much as having wine and taking it easy. Wine?!? What are you, a f*g? Jesus Christ, no wonder she's out meeting other dudes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 no im a wine marketing business major and i like my fair share of vodka captain morgan etc. but i dont like the drunken retards and loud music at these places. But alpha i appreciate you calling me a fag because i enjoy drinking wine at 21 lol i guess that makes me a fag but hey i cant help it if i like wine because i grew up in the napa valley its in my blood Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 well if i do that im basically saying its ok for her to do the same and to be honest going to bars and getting hammered isnt my thing as much as having wine and taking it easy. I am not into the whole club bar scene but i may need to start going but thanks for the advice guys If that's not your thing, then go out and DO your thing. The point is, you're sitting around waiting for her. If you weren't always there to answer her drunk calls, maybe she'd start to understand how it feels when her guy is out doing something that she doens't know about. She KNOWS you're going to be there. She needs to KNOW how it feels if you are busy and having fun without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueman Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 thats good advice thanks nora will do Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Wine?!? What are you, a f*g? Jesus Christ, no wonder she's out meeting other dudes. So are you saying that any guy who drinks wine is a f*g? I enjoy a nice chardonnay every now and then, but I am hetero. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 So are you saying that any guy who drinks wine is a f*g? . No, not at all. I was just trying to make a point. I partake in the occasional glass of good merlot or sauvignon blanc Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts