when its time to go

[Guest]

this might sound ridiculous but ive been with my partner for 12 months and it has been a hell of a 12 months. We moved to another town to live then came back, we have had heaps of financial problems, we have had heaps of fights and arguments and screaming matches, we have had one drama after another and i am now very tired lol and emotionally drained. Our arguments keep ending with the same thing now, which one of us is moving out.

 

After we walk away and calm down and come back and talk, we never go through with what we said. Its like there is some tiny invisible cord keeping us together. I'm 34 and my partner is 27, and he is a sulker and demanding and clingy, yet we have both changed in the past 12 months so he isn't as bad as he used to be. This was my first relationship after a very long break and I think I jumped in too quickly. When did other people know that it was time to go and how do you go through with ending it?

[YellowLioness]

When you are calm, and your partner isn't around, ask yourself,"Could I deal with this forever? Can I deal with this for another year?"

 

Really think about what you want in someone. Be subjective and don't fit your qualifications in a partner just to fit the person you're with.

 

Get opinions from friends and family.

 

Consider your long term goals for what you would expect out of your ideal relationship (remember, no one is perfect), and compare that to what you think (realistically) will happen with this one.

 

For example, you may want someone with whom you don't always have to be the adult.

 

When I dated a younger man, I got really burnt out with having to be the adult with every single argument. I would always have to be the one to calm things down. Most of the responsibility in the relationship was on me, from the house hold chores to managing the budget.

 

Therefore, when anything went wrong, I also got all of the blame.

 

All of the blame + no help= very miserable YL.

 

I decided that I would actually be happier on my own then I would be in a relationship with that person, so I left.

 

I've never regretted my choice.

 

And for how you end it, as with any break up there is no easy way. But, here's how I would handle the situation:

 

I would have another place to live/roommate lined up. (So in other words, you'd have to already made up your mind, and carefully planned for the encounter).

 

I would make sure I was ready to move: I'd have either friends, or a moving truck rented and ready to go. Make the break up/ move out swift and painless as possible. I'd have the bills etc. taken out of my name.

 

After you have things planned, then you figure out exactly what you want to say. Be calm, even if the dumpee isn't.

 

Lay out what you were looking for in the relationship. Then, let the person know that you feel you'd be better off apart. Tell them when you're going to move out (don't let them attempt to hinder you or stop you) and tell them what you've already taken care of.

 

That way, you both have a sense of closure: the other person knows what they did wrong, and exactly why you're leaving, and that there's no turning back for you.

 

At least, that's what I did when I left my ex. It really helped that I had everything planned out, because then he couldn't really stop me or argue with me (he was terribly manipulative).

 

Good luck!