Liars??

[Freedom Now]

I am right with you sisters. Mine has an incredible reputation in his church, among his business associates and their peers. If they ONLY knew what he had been up to and would STILL be up to if I hadn't stopped the whole thing.

 

I have to believe that the truth will somehow come to light. And, I am gonna be so far away from him when it happens, it will make his head spin. Heck, I'm already long gone. And, he already took my heart for a while, he is certainly not gonna take my LIFE. He simply isn't worth it.

 

Since mine is not only a churchgoing man, but a church leader, I will just say this: His sins will find him out.

 

Nuff said.

[BUTAFLY]

They stay for the same reason MM stays. They don't have romantic love (not all the time, at least if the MM is diverting it to an OW) but what they do have:

 

1. Security

2. Comfort

3. Family legacy

4. Companionship for life

5. Home

6. Vacations

7. Holidays

8. Parenting partners, raising children together

9. A warm body to cuddle next to in bed

10. Family connection

11. Family events

12. Chance at reconcilation

 

... and so on.

 

Sometimes a BW will weigh what she does have against what she doesn't and find the situation tolerable enough to fight for and stay with. H and W drift away from romantic bonds and more toward family bonds. Romantic love comes and goes regardless of whether or not affairs happen, but all the other stuff is of a more permanent and enduring nature, which is generally enough to make them (and MM) stay married even when an affair does happen.

 

Romantic love often isn't enough in and of itself to build a life around - which is why romantic affairs end and marriages endure. Usually, anyway.

 

When/If the marriage ends, I expect all the above is much harder to let go of than the romantic part.

 

I see....So is that why its easy for the wife to forgive her WS, because she is not in romantic love also?

 

and another question if you don't mind..

Then why is it so upsetting/shocking when a WS is found out if H&W are only together for family vacations, comfort ect..?

[whichwayisup]

....So is that why its easy for the wife to forgive her WS, because she is not in romantic love also?

 

Because the wife and the WS have said vows and have a long history together, family and friends. A life built together.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I see....So is that why its easy for the wife to forgive her WS, because she is not in romantic love also?

 

2. Then why is it so upsetting/shocking when a WS is found out if H&W are only together for family vacations, comfort ect..?

 

1. Forgiveness doesn't come easy, and I would expect that anything approaching romance goes right out the window for a while during the reconciliation process.

 

2. That isn't the upsetting or shocking part. I would imagine the upsetting/shocking part is that the WS would cheat even when they already have all of those things.

 

Now, if a WS tells the BS specifically that they are only there for those reasons and they do not love them anymore, then I don't expect that would be much of a surprise/shock after busting them in an affair. But... once the OP is out of the picture, and the "fog" clears so to speak, love can be found again through reconciliation and rebuilding. Not always though. I would expect that the BS will eventually divorce the WS if it turns out that its going to be a loveless marriage. I've seen it happen often enough.

[Trialbyfire]

I still don't think that a man will walk away from his marriage simply because his wife doesn't love him in the way he would like. There is too much at stake, it is too selfish an act... and for what? So he can be alone? So he can see less of his children? Is that really beneficial? How will 'good relationships' be modelled by a H and W living apart? It's not necessarily the case that the separated people will find other partners more suitable.

If you're mature about it, it can be done where the children are given equal time between parents. You'de be surprised at how adaptive children can be where if both environments are loving, they will thrive. A friend of mine has that type of relationship with his ex and daughter. His daughter likes having two of everything and doesn't even work the parents for sympathy presents or attention.

 

If the MM is willing to take 50% custody, he can have a meaningful new relationship with the OW and still enjoy his kids without the stress of an "unhappy" marriage and an evil W.

 

Honestly, if a man wants to walk from an unhappy relationship where there's no chance to mend it, I say, good for him for taking control of his life. It's the cake eaters and liars I so detest.

[Trialbyfire]

Good for you!

 

Many say the opposite of love IS indifference, not hate. Sounds like you're in a healthy, good place right now.

Thanks, I've worked hard at it. Hating someone is so much wasted energy and I won't be dragged further into the cesspit. It doesn't mean that I don't find the two of them morally bankrupt and completely repulsive.

[pureinheart]

See, this is the part that really bothers me. I would never hang on to someone who seriously wanted out. If the man is straight up about it, my response would be accepting. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't be upset but I would accept it and continue on. In my situation, I even told him from the beginning that I would let him go if he ever wanted out, just don't involve me in a triangle. So...what does he do?

 

The more I think of my triangular relationship, the more I realize that it's the lack of knowing and the lack of control of my own life that bothers me the most. That two other people could take that dignity away from me and have something covert on the side, is so debilitating. That someone could so easily break the trust, respect and love unselfishly given and turn it into something perverted, is so debilitating. It's creepy and sickening for me.

 

When I busted him about it with only a small amount of superficial knowledge of what was going on, he dumped her less than 10 hours afterwards including a night's sleep. It was that easy for him and made him realize how little she meant to him. She was a MW and no innocent in the seduction by any stretch of the imagination, considering that she initiated the pursuit and continued from there. She even stated directly to me that she knew he was "madly in love" with me but was remorseless about any of it. She still wanted him, even then and continued trying to contact him afterwards although he never reciprocated any of her attempts.

 

It took another couple of weeks for me to find out more and more, like opening up Pandora's box. Then, he finally admitted why he did it. It was because he thought he would never get caught and that it was purely a selfish act. He admitted what a slimeball he was, was hurt to the core and very sorry for what he had done. He also admitted that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he would never again meet someone like me, and that he doubted that he could ever care about anyone else again. At this point, I was so revolted and numb that I shut it down permanently.

 

Hell will rot over before I ever even consider taking him back, nevermind agreeing to do it. The strangest part is that I don't hate him. I'm just revolted by him. A man with no integrity is bad enough but one who pretends to have moral fibre is far worse.

 

Your story is incredible.....have you been able to forgive him yet?

[Trialbyfire]

Your story is incredible.....have you been able to forgive him yet?

Not yet, if ever. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at him or think about him without feeling revolted.

[frannie]

If you're mature about it, it can be done where the children are given equal time between parents. You'de be surprised at how adaptive children can be where if both environments are loving, they will thrive. A friend of mine has that type of relationship with his ex and daughter. His daughter likes having two of everything and doesn't even work the parents for sympathy presents or attention.

 

If the MM is willing to take 50% custody, he can have a meaningful new relationship with the OW and still enjoy his kids without the stress of an "unhappy" marriage and an evil W.

 

Honestly, if a man wants to walk from an unhappy relationship where there's no chance to mend it, I say, good for him for taking control of his life. It's the cake eaters and liars I so detest.

 

I don't disagree with you on those points at all.

 

My original post was meant to address why a H would walk away from a Marriage when his prospect was to be alone. Why replace an unfulfilling, empty relationship (with his wife) but being able to be with his children, in his own home, and not financially losing when the alternative is being alone?

 

I meant, in essence, the reason a H won't just walk out on a marriage before another woman is involved (a question or statement made so often on here) is because there's nothing so compelling about that empty alternative. Now, when an OW comes along, perhaps he may leave, in time. But saying someone should leave rather than get involved in an affair is unrealistic, to me.

[bonehead]

I meant, in essence, the reason a H won't just walk out on a marriage before another woman is involved (a question or statement made so often on here) is because there's nothing so compelling about that empty alternative. Now, when an OW comes along, perhaps he may leave, in time. But saying someone should leave rather than get involved in an affair is unrealistic, to me.

 

When I first left and we had shared custody. I can tell you NOTHING had ever hurt as much as the sounds of an empty house for 4 days at a time.

 

It took some getting use to. Bt now in hindsite I do wish I had left earlier.

[oyster]

My final notes.

 

"Relationships" with Attached people "married or common-law" should be pursued if:

 

1-The OW or OM just wants to have FUN, and keep it at that level. Don't get brainwashed in believing they will leave their relationship for you.

 

2-If you do decide to open your heart and emotions, then set a TIMELINE, yes one in your head and one you disclose to the other. For the MM/MW to make a decision to formalise their seperation and divorce.

 

3-Until there is mental, physical and legal seperation of the MM/MW spouse, these type of relation is JUST a fantasy of LIES.

 

Everyone is lying.

• The OM/OW is in denial, they think there is potential and see challenges.
  
• The MM wants sex, the MW wants emotional support and when it gets physical she think loves is involved
  
• Once the existence of the OM/OW, MM/MW might seek out revenge with a lover just to get even

4-To all MEN, just make sure the OW or MW does not become pregnant.

 

From my experience as the OM, the next person I meet will have to be SINGLE.

If someone says they are unhappy and live seperate life without engaging formal seperation process = Bull ****. < I will avoid 100%

Don't expect the married person to leave their marriage, don't expect to plan for weekend getaways.

Do expect to be lonely.

KEEP on dating other more eligible people.

Be polite and stick to your final decision upon breaking up the fantasy.

[BUTAFLY]

My final notes.

 

"Relationships" with Attached people "married or common-law" should be pursued if:

 

1-The OW or OM just wants to have FUN, and keep it at that level. Don't get brainwashed in believing they will leave their relationship for you.

 

2-If you do decide to open your heart and emotions, then set a TIMELINE, yes one in your head and one you disclose to the other. For the MM/MW to make a decision to formalise their seperation and divorce.

 

3-Until there is mental, physical and legal seperation of the MM/MW spouse, these type of relation is JUST a fantasy of LIES.

 

Everyone is lying.

• The OM/OW is in denial, they think there is potential and see challenges.
  
• The MM wants sex, the MW wants emotional support and when it gets physical she think loves is involved
  
• Once the existence of the OM/OW, MM/MW might seek out revenge with a lover just to get even

4-To all MEN, just make sure the OW or MW does not become pregnant.

 

From my experience as the OM, the next person I meet will have to be SINGLE.

If someone says they are unhappy and live seperate life without engaging formal seperation process = Bull ****. < I will avoid 100%

Don't expect the married person to leave their marriage, don't expect to plan for weekend getaways.

Do expect to be lonely.

KEEP on dating other more eligible people.

Be polite and stick to your final decision upon breaking up the fantasy.

 

Why is it that people don't see a problem with a WS having an affair?

I'm flabbergasted by how this is constantly overlooked. It's not only Oyster, is a constant theme on this fourm.. the WS is never addressed as the one having a problem with remaining faithful; I find that so telling.

BS will blame the OM/OW or the OW/OM will blame the BS (oddly enough) and even some BS blame themselves . If this is the true sentement of people then it will never stop and those WS will never be held accountable.

[oyster]

Why is it that people don't see a problem with a WS having an affair?

I'm flabbergasted by how this is constantly overlooked. It's not only Oyster, is a constant theme on this fourm.. the WS is never addressed as the one having a problem with remaining faithful; I find that so telling.

BS will blame the OM/OW or the OW/OM will blame the BS (oddly enough) and even some BS blame themselves . If this is the true sentement of people then it will never stop and those WS will never be held accountable.

 

what does WS, BS stand for?

 

also I noticed SO?

[Freedom Now]

Wayward spouse, Betrayed spouse, and significant other

[Freedom Now]

Why is it that people don't see a problem with a WS having an affair?

I'm flabbergasted by how this is constantly overlooked. It's not only Oyster, is a constant theme on this fourm.. the WS is never addressed as the one having a problem with remaining faithful; I find that so telling.

BS will blame the OM/OW or the OW/OM will blame the BS (oddly enough) and even some BS blame themselves . If this is the true sentement of people then it will never stop and those WS will never be held accountable.

 

Agreed BUTAFLY. In my perfect world, every BS and OW would kick these men to the curb and never look back.

 

For if we did that, these men would have neither a woman to cheat ON nor a woman to cheat WITH.

 

And maybe THEN, they would suffer the consequences of their actions.

 

But as it is in this imperfect world, they will continue to do this because we ALLOW them to.

[oyster]

Why is it that people don't see a problem with a WS having an affair?

I'm flabbergasted by how this is constantly overlooked. It's not only Oyster, is a constant theme on this fourm.. the WS is never addressed as the one having a problem with remaining faithful; I find that so telling.

BS will blame the OM/OW or the OW/OM will blame the BS (oddly enough) and even some BS blame themselves . If this is the true sentement of people then it will never stop and those WS will never be held accountable.

Thank you to "Freedom Now vbmenu_register("postmenu_990515", true); " for speaking English with those acronyms.

 

WS, they do have problems. Like not knowing what they want, can't express their discontent to their spouse so they go out of the marriage looking for someone to listen and care. From this point, they will LIE to the OW/OM to seduce them into spending time with them.

 

Me being the OM, I recently set myself FREE from the WS (MW). She has issues she has to workout with her spouse. I wished her good luck.

[Freedom Now]

Me too, baby.

 

I set his arse free.

[oyster]

Me too, baby.

 

I set his arse free.

 

actually we set our self free from the triangle. The WS is never free, back to the dungeon where they torture each other emotionally and mentally.

[Trialbyfire]

I meant, in essence, the reason a H won't just walk out on a marriage before another woman is involved (a question or statement made so often on here) is because there's nothing so compelling about that empty alternative. Now, when an OW comes along, perhaps he may leave, in time. But saying someone should leave rather than get involved in an affair is unrealistic, to me.

That's where we differ in thought. I would and have done it in situations where wants/needs are unresolveable. The alternatives are untenable to me.

[pureinheart]

Totally agree also ladies....to the curb....

[pureinheart]

Oh and Butafly....me and my daughter cracked up for a long time over your quote:

 

To men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!-A. Rooney

 

That is priceless!

[Freedom Now]

actually we set our self free from the triangle. The WS is never free, back to the dungeon where they torture each other emotionally and mentally.

 

Good point.

 

I, for one, am glad to be free of the mess.

[frannie]

That's where we differ in thought. I would and have done it in situations where wants/needs are unresolveable. The alternatives are untenable to me.

 

For me also. But, if I had to leave my children behind, I would certainly be thinking long and hard about it, and quite possibly end up staying until they were older. Not necessarily for their sakes, but for me. I would miss them so much.

[Trialbyfire]

For me also. But, if I had to leave my children behind, I would certainly be thinking long and hard about it, and quite possibly end up staying until they were older. Not necessarily for their sakes, but for me. I would miss them so much.

I don't know what your situation is frannie but I can only put this question onto the table. If the children were the first concern, why did the affair ever happen in the first place? I don't know too many adults that aren't aware of some of the unfortunate repercussions of having an affair.

[frannie]

I don't know what your situation is frannie but I can only put this question onto the table. If the children were the first concern, why did the affair ever happen in the first place? I don't know too many adults that aren't aware of some of the unfortunate repercussions of having an affair.

 

I don't know that 'children are the first concern' in everything, and especially not if one is pursuing an affair. I don't think anyone goes into an affair believing that one would be caught. I'm sure that it could be argued that a happy parent is a good parent, and certainly an affair can improve the happiness of a married person. I don't think it's is as clear-cut as you suggest.

 

I should point out that the comments I made about leaving 'my children' were purely hypothetical, since I don't have any.