Ex says she changed

[SpartanX]

Hello everyone. I have posted here once before but I have a new problem. My divorce was final the beginning of October. My X and I ended on good terms. I never truly wanted the divorce but I gave her what she wanted like I always had in our previous four years of marriage. We have one child a 4yr old. He is everything to me and I looked forward to picking up the pieces of my life and moving on and making his life the best I could for him. I had met another woman during my seperation but had not let it get serious because I was not divorced. I had grown to care for this woman a great deal and could even see myself with her in the future but knew that I was not ready for a serious relationship so we remained good friends. A few weeks ago however my X decided that she had made a horrible mistake in divorcing me. On a daily basis she text messages me or calls me to ask what she has to do to make it up to me and make things right. I have told her that there is no way to make up for tearing my life apart. I really didn't believe her in the beginning. I have not trusted her for some time now. But her determination is admirable. My question is this should I give the woman another chance although she has had plenty of chances before? She left me for another man and asked for the divorce. She severed all contact with me except when it came to our son up until a few weeks ago. What should I do? Should I give her another chance for my sons sake? Or should I tell her its to late and move on with my life?

[westernxer]

Talk is cheap. Remember?

 

Move on.

[Ladyjane14]

I read your other 2 posts... and I have to say, I'm shocked you're even considering reconciliation.

Sounds to me like your ex-wife NEVER ponied up a true committment to the marriage.... not even in the beginning when you should have been as honeymooners.

 

If this is all about making your son happy, you're throwing yourself on a grenade for no good reason. Lots of kids are raised by divorced parents, and while I agree that two loving parents modeling a healthy relationship is best... I don't know HOW you'd manage it considering your ex-wife's track record.

[Ladyjane14]

Don't forget....

 

You can't fix "Stupid".

 

This is an excerpt from your last thread:

When I last asked about her OM. She told me that she hated to hurt him so she has not officially broke it off with him. She has quit seeing him or so she says. I couldn't believe it was easier for her to hurt me than this new guy she claimed she no longer cared about.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103586/

 

Dude, she didn't even have enough sense to put the OM on the road before she started workin' you. Think about it. How stupid is that?

[LakesideDream]

Hey sport.. your status has increased. Now you are the backup/fallback guy.

 

Women have very long memories. They never forget anything. It's easy to see from the multitude of posts here. That's not a bad thing either.

 

Men have "situational memories" we forgive and forget easily. Obviously you have forgiven, and are close to forgetting your ex wifes cheating, and cold hearted behavior.

 

Try focusing on what got you to where you are. Use your imagination. Picture your ex wife and her "OM" cavorting shamelessly, her pleasuring him, him penetrating her vigorously from every angle. Still feel forgiving?

[Gunny376]

I've already made a long and extensive reply on your last thread. Take her back ~ Hell No!

 

The only thing that's changed is Mr. Reality is whipping that azz! And, now that she's found that its a cold, mean and cruel world out there she wants to come back to her comfort zone ~ until she's ready to try the tripid waters of infidelity again. That is to say until she preceives a better deal has come along.

 

Move on! Go out and get yourself a slice each of true Happiness, Contentment, Peace of Mind, Stress free Living ~ even if it means living single and alone for the rest of your life (there's a whole lot of upside to Living Single!). Forget this broad, go out and rub a little sunshine on your face

 

I don't know about you? But I've got better things to do with my time than sit up sleepless nights wondering where the Hell my wife is at 3 in the morning and who's she's out scroggin ~ this time around!

 

When it comes to relationships ~ we're all grown adults. With me you get one shot at this, and you'd best get it right the first time around. I can tote the note on minor offesses, maybe overlook one or two major ones, but intollerables? No way! I'm out of here!

 

She's had her chance and she blew it! Don't be so freaking selfish! There's lots of good women out there that deserve a shot at you!

What one woman would abuse ~ another could certainly use!

[anna13]

I usually am all for saving a marriage but you are not married anymore. your X from what i understand divorced you and tore your heart out and hurt your child in the progress ( by causing you so much emotional distress to you , it affects the kids greatly) finally you have moved forward and she was moving along happily too , i think that maybe this OM has had enough of her and now she wants you back to fill her void. she knows how to manipulate your feelings and you child is a sensitive spot in your heart so she will probobly use that as a reason for you to get back with her. she is thinking of herself right now. imagine if you give her another shot and she does the same thing. how confused will your childl be? how hurt and foolish will you feel. you dont want to give her another opportunity to do that to you. She had her chance to save your marriage. but she did not want too because things were going well with her and this OM . your son is getting used to this new situation why make him go back and forth ? I know you probobly have feelings for her still , but getting back with her is a whole different story. I would just move forward. so she knows she made a mistake now , of course she does , well, she knew it was wrong when she had the affair she didnt care then. it isnt your job to make her feel better anymore . she isnt your wife anymore , you concentrate on your child and yourself. of course be friendly but i would keep it at that.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, move on. This woman is a selfish individual. Selfish individuals tend to revert back to previous behaviour patterns when they feel secure enough in their relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

"When I last asked about her OM. She told me that she hated to hurt him so she has not officially broke it off with him."

 

So, if you start seeing her again, you'll be the OM in your ex's new relationship. Is that the role you want?

 

I've been down the "get back together for the kids after ex said she wanted divorce and OM" road. Didn't work for me as she was the same liar and cheater the second time around. Maybe things would be different for you. After I got that insanity out of my life, I was able to focus on being the best Dad to my son I could be. I would suggest that your emotional energy could be similarly well spent.

 

Mr. Lucky

[D-Lish]

Do people change?

It's possible.... but not likely. Has therapy taken place?

 

Can you forgive her what what she's done? I know I never could if it were me in that situation. She sounds really confused and unstable. I would imagine that if you gave it another go you'd find yourself in the same heartbreaking situation down the road.

 

I think if you go back you're asking for trouble.

Be a good father to your son- and be good to yourself. Stay away from her. She blew her chance.

D

[Sup]

She may have found out about this other lady, and is jealous that you are moving on. Keep moving on!

[jmargel]

Hello everyone. I have posted here once before but I have a new problem. My divorce was final the beginning of October. My X and I ended on good terms. I never truly wanted the divorce but I gave her what she wanted like I always had in our previous four years of marriage. We have one child a 4yr old. He is everything to me and I looked forward to picking up the pieces of my life and moving on and making his life the best I could for him. I had met another woman during my seperation but had not let it get serious because I was not divorced. I had grown to care for this woman a great deal and could even see myself with her in the future but knew that I was not ready for a serious relationship so we remained good friends. A few weeks ago however my X decided that she had made a horrible mistake in divorcing me. On a daily basis she text messages me or calls me to ask what she has to do to make it up to me and make things right. I have told her that there is no way to make up for tearing my life apart. I really didn't believe her in the beginning. I have not trusted her for some time now. But her determination is admirable. My question is this should I give the woman another chance although she has had plenty of chances before? She left me for another man and asked for the divorce. She severed all contact with me except when it came to our son up until a few weeks ago. What should I do? Should I give her another chance for my sons sake? Or should I tell her its to late and move on with my life?

 

It depends on a few factors:

 

1. Do you love her, do you love her enough to get over the past?

 

2. Can you trust her, or do you think in the future she will be trustworthy?

 

3. What has she done to *prove* that she has changed? Has she been going to counseling?

 

4. What made her do this 180? Did her and this OM break up? Is she coming back to you because you are the safety net?

 

It comes down to those and whether you see yourself with or without her for the rest of your life. Though she may have done alot of bad things (you mention you gave her everything for 4 years). First that was your mistake, second it sounds like she has immaturity issues. When you do that, you just fuel the fire.

 

However I am sure she is not all bad, there were reasons why you fell in love and married her, right?

 

Do some soul searching, go with what you feel is right.

[SpartanX]

Thank you to everyone who replied. This has been bothering me greatly since the divorce. I never wanted the divorce I never wanted to give up. It wasn't until she started seeing the OM that I started to have doubts and then I met someone who showed me that I was missing out. My frustration has grown lately because my X talks to me everyday trying to convince me that she has changed and all she really does is make me relive all the bad things she ever did to me. I was starting to move on and get over alot of it. Most of my family keep quiet about the situation and don't offer much help and those that do offer advice are highly biased. Thats why I asked here, it helps to find advice from people who are removed from the situation. I'm trying to take the high road and maintain a good relationship with my son's mother so he may benefit from it. But how do I continue to have a relationship with her when she is constantly begging me to let her come back and telling me she has changed. It is easy to get over someone you never really have to see again but I have to see her quite a bit since we both work in the same company and also share joint custody of my son?

[jmargel]

From your last post it sounds like you are not over her. FYI, out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind. You could be thousands of miles away from her and she could still have an impact on your life. I was like that with my ex, it took me 2 years before I was able to get over her. And I probably saw only 2 or 3 times during that period.

 

She will always be in your life because of your son, however if you don't want things to continue with her, be upfront with the new woman in your life and then set boundaries for yourself that you will not cross. If you are not ready to do that, then that is a sign that your not really over her yet.

 

I think your question is not how to get over her due to you seeing her all the time, but how do you get all traces of her out of your heart. That my friend, is very hard to do.

[Lor]

Welcome to the flip-side of the whiney, needy, clingy, I love you!, can't I have another chance side of s/d........

 

makes you really want her back, doesn't it? Anyone going thru this stage with the phone calls, the texting, the crying, begging, pleading, needs to read your feelings and your response toward it...... Don't know anyone who wants to be with someone like that....

[jmargel]

Lor.. you are missing something. That is not necessarily her personality, it her way of dealing with the situation and trying to get him back. It's not whether she uses this method or another, it's what he wants in his future.

 

Someone who pleads, begs, etc.. in this situation is not what I consider weak or a character flaw. It's just how they are approaching the situation. What's important here is what he feels in his heart, and is she willing to backup her words with action (such as going to counseling, etc..).

[Lor]

Nope, didn't miss a thing.....what I was trying to get across has nothing to do with her, nothing to do with him, but everything to do with people seeing the "flip-side" of what a person feels when confronted with the needy, clingy type of attitude.

 

Most of us have been there, stuck in that but I love you! stage ~ its refreshing to see someones perspective being being the reciever of it, not always hearing from the giver who doesn't understand why, when they beg and plead, saying I've changed, the SO still isn't listening.....

[Ladyjane14]

My frustration has grown lately because my X talks to me everyday trying to convince me that she has changed and all she really does is make me relive all the bad things she ever did to me. I was starting to move on and get over alot of it.

 

You don't have to allow that. It's perfectly okay for you to set some personal boundaries... ie. "I'm only going to discuss matters pertaining to our child....email is preferable". If you're sure you don't want her back, the clearer you are in maintaining those boundaries, the better off you'll be.

 

It would probably be a wise plan to educate yourself on the co-parenting relationship. You might want to run by the library or bookstore toward that end. There's lots of information available. (I'm sorry though... I don't have any specific titles to recommend to you. )

 

In the meantime, clarity is best. Allowing her to have false hopes or 'letting her down gently' will probably just cause more problems down the road.

 

If you're NOT sure about what you want... I still think you'd do well to set some limits. The last thing you want is to find yourself back in your old situation and feeling manipulated into being there..

[Rooster_DAR]

Don't forget....

 

You can't fix "Stupid".

 

When I last asked about her OM. She told me that she hated to hurt him so she has not officially broke it off with him. She has quit seeing him or so she says. I couldn't believe it was easier for her to hurt me than this new guy she claimed she no longer cared about.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103586/

 

This is an excerpt from your last thread:

 

 

Dude, she didn't even have enough sense to put the OM on the road before she started workin' you. Think about it. How stupid is that?

 

Wow, this really opened my eyes to my situation which is nearly identical. My recent EX has this guy staying at our house after only three months of being broken up. She had an affair with him while I was still living with her, and she finally confessed to everything a 2 weeks ago. She says that I'm her true love and she will do anything to gain my trust back, but she is scared to hurt this guy. WTF? what about me? I'm chopped liver I guess. I can relate to this, and I really am pissed off at myself that I would even consider believing her.

 

Sorry, I had to vent a little.

[Guest]

I stayed with my ex for several years beyond what I wanted to because I did it 'for my son's sake'...so no, I don't think so.

 

I was absolutely miserable, and beyond that, severely depressed...I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

 

I finally left and am so glad I did. In the end i met a wonderful man, and now have a 5 week old daughter with him. Life isnt perfect, but its d@mn close.

 

Kids pick up on so much, and I think my son is much happier now that we are no longer together. Staying for his sake was hurting him, not helping.