Do abusers really forget what they do?

[Guest]

My mother was physically abusive when I was young and she also did some things that were sexually disturbing and abusive as well. I have confronted her before about this, and she has told me that she does not remember many of the instances of physical abuse and that she remembers NONE of the sexual things. (For example, she cannot remember pushing me down the stairs or dragging me across the room by the back of my shirt, leaving a red ring around my neck for a week.)

 

She gets very mad at me and says she never did those things and that I am making them up. I KNOW she did them. These are not “recovered” memories that I am uncertain about. These are solid memories that I have carried with me for all of my life. I am a normal functioning adult without any kind of psychological issues that would cause me to invent such a thing.

 

Is her reaction to me reminding her of what she did a normal reaction? Do most people who abuse tend to not remember what they did?

 

I remember having a very depressing childhood. My mother says that she cannot understand how I think my childhood was so bad because she says she remembers I had a very nice one. She reminds me that I had a nice home, none of my parents were drunks, I came from a decent upper middle class background and always was given many nice things that other children never had. How do we have such different memories? Has she really forgotten these things?

 

(She has NEVER been a drinker, she does not even like alcohol and she has never touched drugs so I know that these things cannot be to blame for her “memory loss.” She takes no medications for any mental problems, has never been diagnosed with mental problems either and is very healthy.)

[Guest]

Is her reaction to me reminding her of what she did a normal reaction? Do most people who abuse tend to not remember what they did?

 

She takes no medications for any mental problems, has never been diagnosed with mental problems either and is very healthy.)

 

Then she's in denial or she's lying. Does she remember any other events around then? If not, she might have had a stroke that wasn't noticed but wiped out some memory. However if she remembers trips and other events from the same time period, then she's denying/lying. I suppose someone would knowing they could be prosecuted and jailed for what they did.

[tinktronik]

I think this is common to abusers . My mother claims not to remember also , "oh thats rediculous" or "but you kids got season passes to disney land " That sort of thing. but we do not talk about the abuse because according to her it never happened . Its just a deny deny deny tactic to never have to own up to what she did.

Im sorry for your pain.

[Buttaflyy]

I'm sorry that you've gone through this.

 

Abusers do not forget, but deny! They don't want to own up to the wrong that they've done and this makes it very hard to forgive them for it. Know that you own your pain and you know what happened to you. You know that it was wrong and that it is of no cause of your own. You can live a normal life despite what has happened to you and if your mom doesn't want to admit it, it's because she knows it was WRONG!

[amaysngrace]

Im sorry for your pain.

 

Me too. But I think abusers would tend to deny it, because it goes along the thinking of 'abuser mentality'. Denial by the abuser would fall into emotional abuse to the victim, I would think.

 

This is why they say abuse is crazy-making behavior. Because victims are left with no alternative but to think THEY'RE the crazy ones. This is an abusers DREAM COME TRUE when this happens.

 

Please don't fall for it.

[samsungxoxo]

More than likely she's in total denial b/c she probably feels guilty inside, knows what she did was wrong, but doesn't want to admit her guilt.

[amaysngrace]

More than likely she's in total denial b/c she probably feels guilty inside, knows what she did was wrong, but doesn't want to admit her guilt.

 

I disagree. I think it is a conscious decision on the part of the abuser to choose not to remember. To keep their victims victimized.

[tinktronik]

I disagree. I think it is a conscious decision on the part of the abuser to choose not to remember. To keep their victims victimized.

I agree wholeheartedly . Ive actually seen my mother lie to social services then the moment they walked out the door gloat because they believed her and not me and then tell me she'll kill me if they ever show again. It keeps you afraid of persecuting your abuser because they always have denial.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry for what you've been through, Tink. I do believe that abusers are calculating in their actions and their words.

 

We all have a choice, why wouldn't they?

[Buttaflyy]

I'm sorry for what you've been through, Tink. I do believe that abusers are calculating in their actions and their words.

 

We all have a choice, why wouldn't they?

 

Me too Tink

It seems though that you came out of it ok. I'm very sorry for your pain too. I know that this sticks with a person forever. Especially when the abuser doesn't apologize or even recognize what they've done to you.

 

***Big Hugs***

[Angel291]

Yeah, that is the worst, not getting an apology.

 

It is also frustrating because now that I am older, she has stopped being that way. She knows I am a big girl now and she can't just push me around. But she acts like she has never done anything wrong and is scandalized so easily. But if I say to her, "what about the things you did? What about the times you put hammers through doors, chopping huge holes in them in a fury or threw pots and pans around the house?" Then she will say, "well, that is in the past." And it is true, it is in the past, but she wants to act as though because it is in the past she does not need to apologize or ever admit it was wrong.

 

Well, thank you to everyone for the advice! Interestingly enough, the other day we got into a huge fight and I was storming out and she said something about how she had never did those things to me that I said she did and I said to her, "you can lie all you want but you can never hide from the truth." And she did not say a word and I left and the next day she never brought up the fight but was very nice. I think she must know? Deep down in? That they were wrong.

[CardPlay3r]

I also don't think they forget at all....but what I'd like to say is this :

 

Break contact with them! They're not worth it after they did horrible things to you, and now they're not even apologetic or even admitting those things happen...I'd say it's time to pay something back and let them know they're not worth your love or attention..

[Guest]

I also don't think they forget at all....but what I'd like to say is this :

 

Break contact with them! They're not worth it after they did horrible things to you, and now they're not even apologetic or even admitting those things happen...I'd say it's time to pay something back and let them know they're not worth your love or attention..

 

 

Here is my take on abusers:

 

They never say they are sorry.

 

They never ADMIT to their wrong doings and their excuse is either - It was an accident or I don't remember.

 

I really love what everyone wrote above - great stuff - especially where someone wrote that their game is to make you act crazy or feel like you are going crazy when it's them doing such messed up things that you have no choice but to react. Don't fall for it!

 

BREAKING CONTACT IS EXACTLY RIGHT! YOU WIN BECAUSE YOU LEAVE WITH YOUR SANITY AND YOU ALSO HAVE THE LAST WORD!

[silentalways]

matter though. but it would be nice for her to know that i have never forgot the horrible things i did - this is why i am still hurting [and she is too] - because of what i did [and u know i never wanted these things to happen - but they did - i take ownership]

 

 

 

well, i understand and remember almost i did that destroyed my last long term relationship and i am not proud that i reverted back to things from my marriage but one big reason was the fact that we lived together in the house i had bought with my ex wife so all the bad vibes that lingered resurfaced and something minor became major because it was not just the present but the past. my ex recognized that on our first trip and i should have tackled that stuff then but i thought i was done the work. in my case it started with little things, trival matters not even attached to her and they were really about me, ways i avoided handling stress and believing i must be all to everyone - that's impossible. and, i know now that these things started and are associated with my depression because i had treated her with respect previously. i just hadn't learned how to be honest yet, so, everything became a 'worry' to me - not wanting her to view me poorly because she loved me so much and made me happy. and the little things became snide remarks and i hate that i was like that. those turned into shame and guilt issues and i blamed her for what i was doing to myself and us - isolating. what i now know i was doing was demanding something from her [unconditional love] which she was already doing but i started setting things up so they were difficult for her to do and in the end all that was about as needed her to validate my self-worth - whiuch she had done in spades, and that was not associated with her but with how my ex wife had stolen my trust. we should never have moved into that house and it is why i just sold it. what happened from there is i simply felt caught between her, the kids [blended] and the insecurity that my house gave me. i started teasing in mean ways, not meaning to hurt but the wrong way to make a point - i was picking fights for no reason other than i was entering depression land. then i stopped doing the little things i knew mattered to her, like suppertime, calling home - and then i started punishing myself without telling her [substance] yet believed she could read my mind and so, it was like i wanted to get as sick as possible so i would know she loved me by caring. problem with that is i was a jerk, nothing really crazy but added up - the would kill anyone's love. like moving pictures, suddenly undecisive, lack of motivation and i will never forget the mean words i said to her. i am still haunted by that. i put her through something horrible without cause and she did a great job pointing the path for me but ran out of gas. i became someone i didn't like either. i used drugs in our home, used her car to buy once, lied constantly because by then i was gonzo. and that lead to months of really terrible times, all my fault...and i watched as i stole her spirit - the thing i wanted. i was so mixed up i was doing everything backwards and wrong. she went beyond what she should have and so did i in terms of corrupting my morals and ethics and turning a happy home into a nightmare and ruining a great relationship. my drug use effected of sex life and i blamed these initamacy issues on her making me desexualized and the list goes on and on and this all happened every day for 7 months [i went in chat rooms, watched videos, was a gross, drugged out prev, and i never even saw it] i t makes me sick looking back now but - i have manged to pin point all those nasty triggers, solve the isssues from my past and am trying my best to dig out of a huge mess i have made, me alone, of my life. and i am truly sorry she had to go thru all that because there is nothing she did that cuased it. it was learned behaviours by my past, depression, and addiction and emotional abuse. and i am not that man, and will never be again. i am doing what i can to ensure that. she hates me and will never talk with me again and i understand - i am doing this because i want a great life, a normal life - and never return to those 7 months.