married, unhappy and cheating

[jstkpswmg]

I've been married for about 5 years now and no longer feel a connection with my husband. I'll be finishing graduate school soon and feel like my education and life experiences have allowed me to grow and in this I've grown apart from my husband. For about 2 years now I have not felt attracted to him, in love with him or any desire to have children and start a family with him.

 

Recently a friendship of mine has developed into a very intimate friendship that turned into a sexual relationship, but none of this has been in person, we live too far apart and have never met. This has all happened online. I feel deeply in love with the new man and would love to meet him and continue a relationship with him. But we are both aware that its not a good idea until I am single. We continue to share our lives with each other every day and provide an amazing amount of love and support for each other.

 

Am I crazy? I plan to divorce my husband after I am finished with school and am financially independent. So this could take another year. Before this friendship became sexual I was already planning to divorce. I talk to my friend daily, often for a few hours at a time. My husband does not know about this relationship, but he is fully aware that I am not happy in our marriage and he tries, at times, to make things better, but its not working.... I think its over. I feel like I've worked all the years of our marriage to keep things working and to keep him happy, and when I gave up this summer... he finally started trying.. and feels like he's too late.

 

I know most people probably think I'm crazy... but I'm wondering if anyone else has been in my position? Or perhaps in my husband or friend's position...

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

[Trialbyfire]

Am I crazy? I plan to divorce my husband after I am finished with school and am financially independent.

Sorry I have issues with this. You're going to use your husband to continue financing your schooling?

 

If you really want to get into a relationship with someone else, do the honest thing and shut down the marriage first.

[jstkpswmg]

My husband is not financing my education. Its not like that. But I can not handle the extra costs of living independantly right now due to being a fulltime student.

[whichwayisup]

My husband is not financing my education. Its not like that. But I can not handle the extra costs of living independantly right now due to being a fulltime student.

 

If something happened to him, a bad accident or worse- Death, somehow you'd manage. Whether it be you move back home, or you move in with roommates.

 

What you're doing is really crappy to your husband. GET A DIVORCE NOW! The sooner the better. He deserves someone who will be happy and love him, and also be honest with him. Tell him why you want out. That you're inlove with someone who you've never met in person and you want to spend the rest of your life with that guy.

[Wantingtogetitright]

My husband is not financing my education. Its not like that. But I can not handle the extra costs of living independantly right now due to being a fulltime student.

 

Yes he is. He may not pay the school bill but is certainly paying the others if you cannot afford to live independently.

 

I hope your husband wakes up to you and kicks you out.

 

I don't think you are crazy just totally self centred and selfish.

 

Do your husband a favour and end the marriage. He sounds like a thoroughly decent person and you continue to use and abuse him.

 

No sympathy from this little black duck I can tell ya.

[Jane Doe]

Please believe me when I tell you, you're living a fantasy. You've never even met this guy. Sure, you may talk to him online and on the phone and whatnot, but it's not the same as meeting face to face and interacting daily. For all you know he could be married, an ex con, have erectile dysfunction, be a child molester, have bad hygiene, or anything. The possibilities are endless. I think he's merely an escape for you because you're stressed from school and in an unhappy marriage.

 

If you're truly unhappy with your husband and have no intention of working it out, then let him go. But for Heaven's sake, don't ditch him for a guy you've never even met in person.

[ilmw]

Please believe me when I tell you, you're living a fantasy. You've never even met this guy. Sure, you may talk to him online and on the phone and whatnot, but it's not the same as meeting face to face and interacting daily. For all you know he could be married, an ex con, have erectile dysfunction, be a child molester, have bad hygiene, or anything. The possibilities are endless. I think he's merely an escape for you because you're stressed from school and in an unhappy marriage.

 

If you're truly unhappy with your husband and have no intention of working it out, then let him go. But for Heaven's sake, don't ditch him for a guy you've never even met in person.

 

This so true... My older brother... met someone online... and moved down to Indianna... He just upped and left... disappeared for about 6 months.. then he showed up again.... The fantasy was just that a fantasy.. the bubble broke and he headed home... Then a few months later.. he met another woman online.. and headed down to Florida... he disappeared for about a year this time... came back a father... and seperated.. NICE...

 

How can you possibly fall in love with someone online... you are only reading words... and for all you know... it could be all fiction....

 

My brother is quite the writer and poet... he managed to have two different woman fall in love with the online persona... then when they got to know him... Reality sank in real hard.... and one of those woman has my nephew or niece... (I have no idea if it is even a boy or a girl)

 

I hope I am making some kind of point here....

 

One last thing... you can not even judge a book by its cover online....

 

Think about it.... real hard.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I know most people probably think I'm crazy... but I'm wondering if anyone else has been in my position? Or perhaps in my husband or friend's position...

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

 

I don't think that you are crazy. I think that there is a good reason why you want to leave your H ... but you are not telling us or yourself (for it being to painful to acknowledge).

 

If you want to leave your H, you need to do so for yourself! NOt for someone, especially for someone you've met over the net. What if he is not the person you think he is? You'd be heartbroken!

 

Think hard why you want to divorce your H and how you will support yourself. Ask yourself if you'd feel guilty were you to leave him. If the answer is "no" , then go right on. But you have to be sure that you are doing this for YOU.

 

Men are undependable, in general. So please do not put all your eggs in your next guy either.

 

Good luck!

[ilmw]

Men are undependable, in general.

 

I'm glad you added the "in general"... don't wan't to generalize now... do we...

[jstkpswmg]

Ok, here's more to the story....

 

My husband and I have been going through couple's counselling together and we have started to realize how wide the gap is between us. I am extremely pro-active, he's very passive, I will have a professional degree, he will have no post-secondary education, I love to be on my feet moving around, he likes to sit.... I can go on forever. And of course we are working on finding things to do together, ways to grow together, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

 

Along with this is my change in how I want to raise a family, I used to want to work full time even with being a mom because I am very passionate about my work, but over the years I've had a change in thought and I really want to be at home for my kids, working part time maybe until they are in school. I also want to travel and get out and around. ... and he still wants it how we had previously talked about things, and I don't blame him, but I've changed.

 

Since our first year of marriage we've had little sexual desire. And this was totally unlike me... I had a great sex drive before. We tried different methods of birth control, tried various books and toys, but nothing seems to be working to improve things. He is always calling be beautiful but for some reason I feel like he's saying it because he's obligated to, not because he truly means it. I went years with not having an extra hand around the house to do chores or take care of family responsibilities along with all of my school work. I would buy lingerie to try to turn up the heat, but nothing. I had a couch potato/ absent husband for years. I felt unappreciated and undesirable.

 

This summer after long discussions I told him I was sick of how things are and I'm sick of him promising to do better and within just days falling into old habits... and I told him that I was thinking of seperating to see if I would be happier alone. He begged for me to stay, and I did. He is slowly getting better at all of the issues I raised in the discussions, but its hard to accept.

 

I guess I am staying around for 2 reasons:

1) support to finish school

2) my lifestyle will change after I have my degree, perhaps once I am working fulltime I will be different, want different things, be living on a different schedule, and maybe this difference will help us grow together

 

I guess I still see a small ray of hope that this marriage could last, but at the same time, I'm thinking I might be ready to move on.

 

I do fear that what I have online is just a fantasy, and that is highly probable. But I just don't know. I have a friend who met her now fiance online and they've been together for 6 years now, and they are living together.

 

Would I feel guilty to leave my husband? I don't think so. I had been thinking of divorce before this new relationship. I'd feel bad, but I don't think I'd feel guilty.

 

As for the comments of me being selfish.... I've been selfless for years, giving my all to my husband, friends and family. (we have no children) I have been the one keeping all the strings tied (minus the fact that I make a small income compared to him). I've invested a lot of energy and emotion into this marriage. And I'm tired, and I want to be happy again. So yes, this action is selfish, and I am aware of that, but I am not selfish and self centered.... you don't know the rest of my life.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

I guess I am staying around for 2 reasons:

1) support to finish school

2) my lifestyle will change after I have my degree, perhaps once I am working fulltime I will be different, want different things, be living on a different schedule, and maybe this difference will help us grow together

 

 

You are one sad puppy...How does it feel to use him that way??

What on earth makes you think you are going to grow together while the OM and you keep dancing behind your husbands back????

 

I mean you claim to be educated , then for **** sake act like that,and do the decent thing.And leave your husband and let OM take care of you.Since you want to be with him.That should be is problem then....Or be a grown up and fend for your self.

[lovelorcet]

You are living in your own self-centered fantasy world. Your reasons for staying are also selfish as you are forcing your husband to substdize your life. You are not doing everything you can to save your marriage as you are jerking off with some dude online. How is that helping your current relationship? Also, keep in mind that when you are finished with your smarty-pants degree that your husband might be interested in compensation for supporting you through your studies.

 

Do you really have any experience with dealing with people online??? The way people are online and in real life a two totally different things.

[jstkpswmg]

wow... you guys are a very judgemental crowd....

you don't ask questions or do much to dig to the root of problems... not much of a constructive or educated crowd you are!

 

There are 2 types of criticism, one that is constructive and the other that is demeaning. I am not saying that what I am doing is right, I know that its wrong, I was just looking for some insight and stories from others who have been in this situation

[whichwayisup]

Most people have been harsh with you, and respectfully too. You can't expect all nice and cuddly responses. Sorry, but sometimes the harshest advice is the best - As hard as it may be to hear.

 

The types of responses you've had here is really no different than you'd hear from complete strangers in a bar. We all have opinions, harsh or not, atleast people have replied to your post. That shows they care enough to post their thoughts to you.

 

The other thing is, you can't be objective of your situation because you're in it! Noone can be when it's happening to them, so try to look for the good in all the replies. There's alot of insight for you........

[lovelorcet]

wow... you guys are a very judgemental crowd....

you don't ask questions or do much to dig to the root of problems... not much of a constructive or educated crowd you are!

 

There are 2 types of criticism, one that is constructive and the other that is demeaning. I am not saying that what I am doing is right, I know that its wrong, I was just looking for some insight and stories from others who have been in this situation

 

You know you are trying to rationalize what you are doing... Why should we bother asking questions and digging to the root of your problems when you should be the one doing this and not wasting your time in your fantasy world online.

 

You need a hard slap or reality and fast. There is no excuse to cheat, period.

 

You have 2 routes to go, NC your online masturbation buddy and get to work on your marriage or dump your H and let the poor guy find someone who loves him.

 

Don't be upset with me or others when they do not show you a lot of compassion. What you are doing, and planning on doing its really very nice now is it.

 

 

Did you see that comment in there from you? Not educated are we? First, let me remind you that you are the selfish girl living in her own online fantasy world. Some of us here have more degrees than you can shake a stick at so why don't you keep comments like that to yourself...

[JamesM]

OP, I disagree with the tenor of many of these posts, too. And like WWIU, some harsh feedback will be had, but it appears that some remarks are more of a "tear down you as a person" type rather than actual criticism meant to give you direction. One thing I learned quickly here is that many of us let our personal emotions enter into our posts when the question/story hits close to home.

 

And welcome to Loveshack. It has been VERY helpful to me for the past year.

 

Face it. You screwed up. You know that. Now what you want is direction and where to go. Hopefully, some of the posts here will be helpful despite the emotions.

 

About the online affair. BTW, how can it be sexual without meeting him? I am guessing that you mean the language is sexual. How well do you know him? Is he who he says he is? From personal experience and having been lied to online, unless you have met him...not just talked with him by phone...and personally verified what he has told you from an objective third party, he is not worth divorcing over. He could be all of a lie.

 

On the other hand, if your marriage is not good, the online affair is simply a cry for help...not in a good way. I would strongly suggest that you either get counseling, talk with your husband, or something. It isn't fair to him that you cheat on him and expect to leave when you are done.

 

You said that you have been married five years, then later said you have put up with him for years and years. To someone who has been married almost 17 years, five is nothing. And you are right. If sex has been a problem for most of it, then either counseling is needed or a divorce is the sad answer. I would not keep using him while you are in school. No one deserves this. However, if there is still a ray of "hope" that this could still work out, then I would try to work out your current marriage. SO many people divorce thinking life will be so much better, but they forget one thing...they have to take their own baggage with them.

 

I am not sure your age, how long you dated, if this is first marriage, any children, what he does for work, how many hours he works, does he help around the house, etc. Many of these issues can be at the heart of the problem. Please give as much detail about your background as you can. Why did you go to school....was it right after high school? Was it so you could get a job? Or was it because your marriage was bad?

 

I have not been in your position, but maybe my questions and thoughts will give you the answer you need.

 

But either way, I think the online affair will turn into a disaster.

[submart]

I agree with the others. Get a divorce now!

 

I am a full time student as well. Tuition is very expensive and I can't afford it. I take out student loans. I can't afford rent and health insurance on my own so I take out more student loans. I work part time so I can by my food and basics to survive. LOTS OF PEOPLE TAKE OUT STUDENT LOANS TO PAY TUITION AND LIVING COSTS.

 

Please do the right thing and get out now.

[Guest**]

"Am I crazy? I plan to divorce my husband after I am finished with school and am financially independent. So this could take another year."

 

Crazy? maybe. Selfish? YES!!! Have you told your husband of your plans? I sure he would like to know.

 

 

"This summer after long discussions I told him I was sick of how things are and I'm sick of him promising to do better and within just days falling into old habits..."

 

Just exactly what are old habits? Not taking out the garbage? leaves the toilet seat up? watches football? ??? I curious what kind of old habits would make a wife want to leave her husband.

 

 

"I am extremely pro-active, he's very passive, I will have a professional degree, he will have no post-secondary education, I love to be on my feet moving around, he likes to sit.."

 

I'm detecting some immaturity here. And you are very sure that your online romance partner has all the same attributes as you? If your are pro-active, are you using some of that to save your marriage? Are you saying that you are too good for someone with no post-secondary education?

 

Just a suggestion...but, have you tried any one on one therapy/counseling for yourself. It would probably give you an idea of what you want.

 

 

**

[jstkpswmg]

Thank you JamesM and KnowHowLoveFeels

 

I am working on my master's degree, I've already aquired a bachelor of science degree and we have known since I set the goal of the career I want that this rigorous education would be required. I was engaged in high school, started college immediately after high school, married the summer after my 1st year of college, and now over 5 years later here I am finishing my master's.

 

I have taken out student loans every year since we've been married. My husband does not pay my tuition, that debt is under my name. I will graduate with enough loans to make up the debt of the mortgage of a small condominium.

 

Yes we married very young. We started dating at age 16. And both of our parents married young too, so I think this led to a naive sense of what getting married young would do to us. We were warned by our friends and family that we should wait until we are older, but we were happy and in love and wanted to start spending the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

 

We do not have any children. We had previously planned let nature take its course after I graduate, but I no longer think I will go that route. I'm not ready to have children.

 

As for the sexual nature of the online relationship.... we have never met... so we have never kissed or had intercourse so in that sense, I guess in "Clinton" definition I have not cheated. But our conversations have recently included phone sex, so our conversations are no longer just about the weather or about work or the news. We've been corresponding for about 5 months now, and the past 4 months has been daily conversations and the past 3 months has involved sexual content. We know all about each other's families and friends. I've spoken with some of his friends. He knows I am married and is not ok with it and hence the reason we haven't met yet, because I am not single and we don't want to risk having a physical affair.

 

I've been seeing a therapist on my own since this summer and my husband and I have been seeing a counselor together about 1/month for the past few months.

 

I've seen friends go through divorce and I know its not easy. Its truly a last resort for me. A huge part of me doesn't want to let go of what I had, but reality is things aren't the same as what I had. And now I have to figure out if what I have now is enough to work with.

 

I average 12 hour days at school with classes and homework. Somtimes I leave earlier and bring the schoolwork home with me, often I have homework anyways. My husband works a full-time day job on 1st shift and then works some evenings part time to make the car payments for our 2nd vehicle (this part time work has been a recent thing, before he would just watch tv all evening). He typically does not help out around the house, but since the counselling started, he has been trying to help out a little, so he might vacuum 1/month and do the dishes 1/week. We have a lot of issues with sharing responsibilities around the house. I take on all of the domestic roles plus attend school full time. Its not easy.

 

So that's a little bit more on my situation.... perhaps this helps set the scene.

[THX2000]

wow... you guys are a very judgemental crowd....

you don't ask questions or do much to dig to the root of problems... not much of a constructive or educated crowd you are!

 

There are 2 types of criticism, one that is constructive and the other that is demeaning. I am not saying that what I am doing is right, I know that its wrong, I was just looking for some insight and stories from others who have been in this situation

 

You want some experience well here it is. I was deeply involved with my ex-gf for a little over 4 years. The last year she had to be away due to finishing up her degree in a city 2 hours away. She had the perfect life - supportive, loving boyfriend (soon to be fiance after she finished degree), beautiful big house, nice cars/jewellery/clothes - the Ameriac dream I guess. She sounded a lot like you and long story short she had an affair with a much older man during the last 6 months we were together. She made me miserable during those months and she knew it. Despite my numerous attempts to end the relationship because I was now not happy I was always talked out of it because all I had to do was wait it out until she was finished school and our life would go back to normal and we could be happy again. Long story short...she got caught. He got caught. Everyone's lives were turned upside down. I won't get into how this affected me or my family or the family of the OM's wife. I can tell you this though: my ex lost numerous friends (of the limited number she had to begin with, my ex lost EVERYTHING material in her life, my ex did not get a job upon completing school (I am not even sure if she ended up graduating), my ex is now stuck with a guy who is old enough and looks like he should be her father because no one else wants her due to her past and finally my ex will always be branded as a cheat, a liar and a thief. Getting the picture? It doesn't mean that your situation won't come out all roses for you but it sure as hell isn't likely. Someone always comes up the big loser when someone cheats - usually everyone involved sadly. Think about this and if you don't want to be married then GET DIVORCED. Make a frigging decision and do it. It isn't fair to your husband if he is trying to make this work and you aren't and have no intention of doing so.

[jstkpswmg]

So I finally got a full night's sleep and I went for a long run this morning. I'm thinking a little more clearly.

 

I've come to the conclusion that since there is a ray of hope for my marriage, that even though I am sick of trying, I need to give it one more try. We've spent 8 years together and I don't want to give up too soon and regret it.

 

I realized that a lot of my marital problems might be more about my personal indentity issues. Which does strongly relate to my marriage, but its changes that I have made and will continue to make on my own. After graduation this will be the first time ever that I will be working a full time job. It will be the first time of not having the university as my daily fix of social interaction, the guidance and structure of a rigorous acedemic program, and the knowledge of exactly what the next step is in the process. I have always looked forward to the freedom of graduating, and now that it is so close, the reality is scarey.

 

I'm not exactly sure where the online relationship fits into my identity problems, but they kind of happened at the same time. Well, I know my identity struggle started last spring and got worse over the summer.

 

Thank you Shineshop for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I had made the decision over the summer to divorce and when I looked into how much time and work the paperwork takes, I chose not to follow through with it until after graduation. I could not afford for it to interrupt my schooling. So I chose not to. Well, I emotionally seperated myself from him, and just carried out my daily life. And then the relationship with this friend transformed from friendship into something more intimate. I realize that I cannot keep this online relationship and be able to give myself fully to my commitment in marriage. In this time that I emotionally separated myself from my husband, he finally started to work on our marriage. And now that I see a ray of hope, I think I want to see if I can make it shine, one last try.

 

Now I need to stick to my guns and stay true to what I've decided.

 

I guess now my confusion is how long to give my marriage another try before I know its really over and I'm not just dragging it out because I'm scared of change. Does 6 months sound like long enough to give a marriage of 5 years another chance?

[CarmenIbanez]

I honestly think that putting a time limit on it is no different than saying that you are going to leave on a specific date and time. I think you put your heart and soul into it starting today and see where it takes you. If that is what you want to do. I have another opinion however. Contrary to some of the sharks on this forum, I think you have a right to be unhappy and I think you have a right not to want to continue your marriage. You came to this forum for insight and reflection and received a lot of flaming criticism. You have no children, is this right? And you are what, 25 years old? You have your whole life ahead of you, and just because you fell in love young and thought it would fulfill you for the rest of your life, does not mean that you owe that man the rest of you.

 

I agree with some of the posters that you should just walk if you're going to walk. Instead of waiting till you finish school. But you do what you have to do. And even if you decide to leave now, I think you ought not involve yourself with the OM. You are going through what I periodically go through during my marriage. You are wondering if the sacrifices you are making and will have to make in the future are worth it. And you are the only person who can decide that. I'll admit that I have never had an affair. But I can totally relate to how it happens.

 

I guess what I am saying is that I think I know what you are going through, and I don't want you to be browbeaten into making decisions about your life because the rest of world is busy reminding you about your vows and right and wrong. Wrong would be to tell your husband you are going to give it a try when you know you aren't. Wrong would be to throw yourself into a marriage and possibly a family that may be destroyed later. This is the time of your life to make these decisions, before the situations become more complex.

 

If you are going to try and make it work. Try with all of your might. I don't want to be all doom and gloom. I have managed, with my husband, to bring the magic back to our marriage a few times now. It can work. But you have to be commited to it.

[whichwayisup]

First of all, ditch the online guy. Whether or not you consider what you're doing cheating, having him in your life is taking away focus and energy from your husband.

 

If you want your marriage to work then BOTH of you go to marriage counselling and learn how to communicate. Remember what it was that brought you two together, what made you fall inlove with him. Focus on the good qualities he has, instead of saying he isn't meeting your needs, and isn't changing...Seems BOTH of you aren't meeting eachother's needs.

 

Don't put a time limit on this right now. Go to counselling together, and see how it goes from there. If you decide now that it may not work, well, you might as well get a divorce and move on.

[jstkpswmg]

My husband and I have been going to counselling for a few months now and seem to be getting nowhere. Our counsellor made the comment herself "the two of you seem too busy to work on your marriage right now, is this really the right time?" My days at school are extremely long and exhausting and my huband's days at work are the same. Neither of us have the energy to work on all of the things our counsellor wants us to. We have everything from romance issues to financial issues to issues with family members and friends... its very complicated. I won't be able to give my marriage "all my might" until after my exams in December, then I'll have the holidays to spend some time to myself and think about what I really want. My husband agreed to not see the counsellor again until after the holidays so maybe we actually will have worked on something.

 

CarmenIbanez, you mentioned that you've brought the magic back into your marriage a few times. Why have you needed to do this a few times? I understand not every day of life will be bliss... but why does the magic have to be re-introduced, why can't it always be there? This boggles my mind. My parents are extremely happy and in love with each other. I've had long conversations with her about this, and I guess I have my standards set pretty high because what my parents have seems to be unlike what most couples have, and I want to be happy like my mom. Of course they had moments of struggle, but they've never had to find magic, its always been there, every night with massages or a movie or something cute they do together.

 

My husband and I used to have excellent communication and I thought I had gotten over the things that had caused me to lose trust in him when we were engaged, and I realized over the years that I still hold those things against him sometimes, and obviously I haven't gotten over it. He didn't cheat, well, that either of us know about, he had a few alcohol binges that led to near-death poisnening and a few stashes of p orn that he hid from me. But we thought we had gotten over it, it was in the past. I guess our level of trust has always been a little rocky since then. And it didn't help that most of our friends didn't go to college so they didn't understand why I would be at school late, so they would tease him that I must be seeing other men. ... well.... now I sort of am.... maybe I'm sub-consciously living up to how he worried I am.

 

wichwayisup, I agree we need to work on our communication. I guess there are definitely problems that we need to get to the root of, and we aren't talking about them right now, because we see each other so little, we leave the serious talk for another time, and that time keeps getting pushed back.

 

There's going to be a whole lot of talking done over the holidays. Part of me is excited, to get things clear and understood, and part of me is nervous because I don't know what I will learn and how I will feel.

 

I understand a time limit is not a good idea... it was just a thought.... I'm just not sure how I'm going to know that my marriage is really over, that it can't be fixed.

 

Thank you, everyone, for your input.

[JamesM]

My husband and I have been going to counselling for a few months now and seem to be getting nowhere. Our counsellor made the comment herself "the two of you seem too busy to work on your marriage right now, is this really the right time?"

 

Personally, if you don't do something now, there won't be a marriage. And there is something that can always be done. I think you are being given more "homework" by the counselor and that seems like more stress. I think rather than counseling now, the two of you should plan an evening of something fun. Just like when dating, plan a date every week...even if it is a lunch date or a walk in the mall. You don't have to spend much money. Go to the coffee shop and talk. Meet him after classes. I am always amazed at how relaxed my wife is when she gets away from everything. But truthfully, I am not sure you appreciate the time you do have together all of the time. A night out can bring back that magic time and time again.

 

We have everything from romance issues to financial issues to issues with family members and friends... its very complicated.

 

Believe it or not, many issues melt away when the two of you become a team again. When you both feel that you are on each other's side, you can work these things out much more productively. Becoming a team involves simply spending time reconnecting.

 

... but why does the magic have to be re-introduced, why can't it always be there? This boggles my mind. My parents are extremely happy and in love with each other.

 

The magic disappears because "life happens." We begin to live our lives separately. Children come along, jobs get busy, family problems occur, financial stresses get bigger....life happens. One day both partners wake up and realize that they need to reconnect, or they will no longer be able to connect.

 

I am sure your parents are happy, but it takes work. The magic stays because they work at it. And they are at a different time in their lives than you. Time has a way of erasing memories...good or bad. They may have never had a tough time, but they probably had some times that were difficult. Part of building a good marriage is learning how to deal with these difficult times. That is where you are at.

 

The other thing is that parents have a hard time telling their children about marriage difficulties. Mine never did...until we became older with children. Now I don't want to hear them, but I do.

 

they've never had to find magic, its always been there, every night with massages or a movie or something cute they do together.

 

This IS the reason that they keep the magic. I guarantee it. You look at this as a sign that the magic is still there. But it is actually the REASON why the magic is still there.Having been married for almost 17 years, I know from experience that this is what keeps the magic. The biggest reason that married couples need to reintroduce the magic is because they let it slip away. Those feelings of love will not stay unless they are agressively guarded and nurtured. When they become taken for granted, then they simply disappear. Every day you both need to reconnect ESPECIALLY when your lives are as busy as yours.

 

My husband and I used to have excellent communication

 

When you are dating, communication is fun. You look forward to seeing each other...you can't wait to get your hands on one another. When you become married, you are together all of the time. You wake up to bad breath and groggy attitudes, and go to bed sweaty aned stressed. And in between, you see his many bad habits. Suddenly, the "happily ever after" becomes reality. Suddenly, your communication is work. Then the doubts creep in..."did I make the right choice?"

 

You can only keep that communication if you prioritize it. And I say this from experience. Even recently, my wife and I have started having lunch together at a restaurant once a week. I am realizing how this is good for us. This gives us a chane to "date" again and feel the anticipation of seeing one another in a different light...rather than sit at our kitchen table in the same uninspiring environment.

 

 

I am not sure you why you cannot get past this, but it can easily be done. Good communication and time spent together will make both of you realize how much you value each other. When you live separate lives, you begin to wonder if the other one has things going on in life that you don't know about. The more you share about one another's daily activities, the more you begin to trust that you know what he is doing every day. The reason you can begin an affair is because you do not tell him about your day...you can hide your life. When you share, you care.

 

I guess there are definitely problems that we need to get to the root of, and we aren't talking about them right now, because we see each other so little, we leave the serious talk for another time, and that time keeps getting pushed back.

 

I think that you should NOT try to schedule the serious talks. I think you should simply spend time together having fun. Then the "serious talks" will happen little by little. Then you will find that these talks are not so serious anymore, and you can easily solve the problems.

 

The thing that I see is what you said..."We see each other so little." Anyone in your situation could easily fall into an affair. You and your husband are not really married...you are roommates.

 

There's going to be a whole lot of talking done over the holidays. Part of me is excited, to get things clear and understood, and part of me is nervous because I don't know what I will learn and how I will feel.

 

Good. Start by beginning to have fun with each other. Start by relearning why you married one another. Start by simply connecting. Don't turn this into a sit down session that is "if we don't change by such and such a date, then..." Just have fun together. Become friends and confidantes. I cannot stress that enough, because it has really worked for us.

 

I understand a time limit is not a good idea... it was just a thought.... I'm just not sure how I'm going to know that my marriage is really over, that it can't be fixed

 

No, a time limit is not a good idea. When you dated, you did not set a time limit as to when you were going to love him...why would you now? Why not focus on knowing when your marriage has returned to how you want it? Rather than be pessimistic and resigned to the fact that "it's over and when will I know," become excited....you are going to find the man you married. He is the one that excited you before...he can be that same man again.

 

All I say is from experiences of mine. I know from even recent experiences that when we work on reconnecting and having fun, we become much closer. We walk around the house hugging as we pass, and planting quick kisses on each other. We feel like kids in love. (And this is coming from a guy who a year ago thought he would never have a sex life again). Our four children probably don't know that it takes work, but they do know when we are "in love." They see the smooching and hugging. And they feel good inside. They feel secure that Mom and Dad are a team.

 

I know you don't have children, but learning now how to keep that magic is important for your longterm future...when your children may see you two smooching and hugging.

 

You will make it....it takes work. You don't expect your college education to just happen...so don't expect your marriage to just happen.