married, unhappy and cheating

[jstkpswmg]

Thank you JamesM. I will definitely think seriously about everything you have said.... this is great. Thank you.

[Natural9]

Does 6 months sound like long enough to give a marriage of 5 years another chance?

 

However long it takes to finish up your degree. From all your post it sounds like you've already made up your mind. After you recieve your degree dump your husband because you will no longer have any use of him, then go **** some bloke you met on MySpace. I feel bad for your husband, not because he'll lose you but because he's currently living a delusion thinking his marriage is going to get better and because he's probably passed up on some new ass while supporting yours.

[Xhie]

What are you studying? Because right now your attitude is really ****ty.

 

1) No one cares that your working on your masters, both of my parents are ph.D.'s and they would happily spit on your degree because its worthless as far as they are concerned. Stop acting like you just cured cancer.

 

2) Many many people get through school and stay in happy relationships. Stop blaming school, your situation is your own doing.

 

3) As far as things that matter are concerned, you do very little and your husband does a whole lot more. You have ignored your marriage, you don't have children, you are selfish, greedy, rude, and uncaring.

 

4) You husband deserves a whole lot better then you.

[Guest**]

What are you studying? Because right now your attitude is really ****ty.

 

1) No one cares that your working on your masters, both of my parents are ph.D.'s and they would happily spit on your degree because its worthless as far as they are concerned. Stop acting like you just cured cancer.

 

2) Many many people get through school and stay in happy relationships. Stop blaming school, your situation is your own doing.

 

3) As far as things that matter are concerned, you do very little and your husband does a whole lot more. You have ignored your marriage, you don't have children, you are selfish, greedy, rude, and uncaring.

 

4) You husband deserves a whole lot better then you.

 

 

Yes! This about sums it all up.

 

**

[Anka]

Your in a tough position. I was in this same place a while ago.

 

You need to work things out with hubby, or grow some balls and get a divorce, you cant just use your husband.

And for those who said you cant fall in love with someone online that you have never met...

I met my now fiance the same way. We fell deeply in love online, we met, we moved across the country to be together and it has only gotten better. We are getting married in May. we are best friends, and our connection was made with the influence of the physical. We fell in love with eachother's minds.

 

So it does happen.

[JamesM]

Yo, people! Back off! I think the OP does know that she hasn't been the perfect wife, but listen, she came here for advice. I think as members of this community we should respect her enough to give her constructive criticism.

 

And if you cannot do that, then please don't bother posting.

 

JKS, please update us on your progress. Some of us do want to see you succeed.

[jstkpswmg]

So I spent the weekend trying to find some connections and have fun with my husband. We had dinner with my parents on Thursday. On Friday we had some friends over for drinks and music, and Saturday we went to a concert. I found myself having a lot of fun and we got along great. But I had quite a few awkward moments when my husband would stare into my eyes, and I could tell he's madly in love with me, and I would have to hug him so I could stop eye contact and not upset him, because I couldn't stare at him with the same twinkle in my eye as he has. He told me numorous times today that this has been the best few days ever and how happy and lucky he is to have me, he told me how beautiful I am and I know he means every word he said. And I really had a lot of fun, I really enjoyed our time together. But I don't feel the same way he does, I don't have that passion for him. Maybe it will take time? Maybe its gone? I don't know.

 

I realized this weekend when we were with our friends, laughing about our pasts and our other friends and how we used to be, how we've grown, and how we've changed, that I really like how things used to be, and I'm extremely thankful for everything that I have had and have now. And part of me feels like maybe I'm just whining because things aren't great and ok isn't good enough, but I should be happy with being content. But another part of me sees how happy I have been before and I want that happiness again. I'm not sure if staying married will give me the opportunities I need to be happy again, or if I need to move on.

 

Perhaps many of you see me staying with my husband as "using" him, but if we end up staying married and 1, 2, 5, ...15 years down the road being happy together, then this time of frustration and confusion won't be seen as "using" him, it will be him standing by my side, innocently and devotionally, and me finding my way back home. If I do leave my husband, then I can understand how an outsider could perceive my actions as "using" him.

 

And my master's program is something I'm very proud of and passionate about. I do not see it as just a degree or an excuse. It truly is one of the most important things in my life. I have struggled to get this far, I did not come from a family of high education, wealth or luck, jobs and school have never come easy to us, but now I'm seeing the peak of the mountain I'm climbing and I'm very excited that I'm almost there. My husband knows how important this degree is to me, and recently he has been very supportive of me, even on my crabbiest days. Even when I go 3 days with no sleep due to a huge project, he has been patient with me. But all of this new support, respect and admiration he has for me has come after I told him this summer that I was no longer in love with him and I was thinking about a seperation. Now he is trying to prove himself to me. While he has been trying to prove himself, my mind wandered and unintentionally found a new interest, a new love. Perhaps if I stay away from my new love long enough I will find myself in love with my husband again, or perhaps nothing will change, or perhaps I will only love the other man more.... I don't think its been long enough to tell.

 

I only made it a few days trying to stay focussed on my husband ... earlier today I couldn't resist and made contact with my new love. We talked for a few hours and ended the conversation without stating what tomorrow would be like. I don't really know what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to sleep on it.

 

I feel I need to meet him in person, to get some kind of validation of my feelings for him. But airfare is so expensive and neither of us is at a point right now where we can afford the airfare. And driving is not an option. All of this is at minumum a month away, could be many months. If I meet him and my feelings for him are still the same, then I think I will be confident to make the decision to divorce my husband. Right now there is still a sense of doubt, some hesitation, that perhaps I'm more in love with my imagination than him. (Especially after hearing this forum's perspective) I'm so unsure of what to do.

 

I feel like I've lost my sense of intuition, I've lost that gut reaction when you know if something is right or wrong. I think listening to so many other people's perspectives and then trying to rationalize things has only confused me more. But I couldn't get things straight before, even with the help of my therapist and our couple's counselor. My therapist has been very good at listening to me, but I don't feel like it helps me make any decisions. And the couple's counsellor assigns more homework which doesn't make things any easier because I have plenty of homework that has priority over her assigments, and my husband isn't very excited to work on it either, so we haven't gotten very far. I'd hate to make such a drastic decision to divorce when perhaps when the stress of school calms down I will find myself thinking clearly and perhaps I want to be married to my husband.

 

... I guess maybe its time to see my therapist again and vent a little... see where that takes me... and tell her I need to work on finding my intuition.

 

If I was greedy, selfish and uncaring I wouldn't be thinking so seriously about my actions right now. I care a lot about my husband and my friends and I've spent all of my life up until this summer giving to everyone else, being the most selfless person I could possibly be, and I wasn't happy, and I made it clear to my husband that I wasn't happy and I started searching for my soul.

 

"You have ignored your marriage, you don't have children, you are selfish, greedy, rude, and uncaring." - Xhie ... I'm not sure how me not having children is a negative thing. I think its one of the best decisions I've made in my life - to have not brought another soul into this crazy world. I will wait to have children until I know I can give them a happy and healthy home.

 

And its not like I'm being promiscuous... I've found myself in love with 1 other man who I met online and began as a friendship and we've never actually met. I'm not out having random sex or seeking relationships with multiple partners. We found each other as we shared similar interests and experiences and have fallen in love with each other without ever having touched the other person's skin.

 

... I think this post is plenty long enough.... perhaps I'll see things differenly after some sleep. I'll keep you all updated.

[JamesM]

Please give it time. Right now your husband is competing with a fantasy. He will lose. I think you did the right thing by spending time with him. You will be surprised where that will lead. You seem to realize that you have deep feelings for him.

 

What do you hope to achieve by meeting your online guy? One of two things will happen...you will fall for him or you won't. Which do you want?

 

You made a commitment to your husband...fulfil it or don't, but for his sake, don't begin an actual affair. Yes, you may have an online affair, but a real one will change everything...and from what I read, it won't be good.

 

My gut instinct tells me that if you meet this guy, you will fall for him. Then reality will set in. He will become just another person/guy who has flaws and faults. Suddenly, you will yearn for your former husband, but it will be too late. He will have moved on to another committed woman.

 

Please think long and hard about this. I noticed in your last post that you do have a great deal of either love or admiration for your husband. You seem to really understand that you do have a great guy. And you want to drop that for a guy who you know is a cheater? Or is willing to be one with you? You know he is willing to ignore the fact that you are married. Do you realize that this means he doesn't have alot of respect for the marriage vow? And you do not know if he has cheated before with a married woman? And you certainly have no guarantee that he would stay committed to you.

 

Stop, think, and be rational. You are in a tough time...don't make it tougher.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps many of you see me staying with my husband as "using" him, but if we end up staying married and 1, 2, 5, ...15 years down the road being happy together, then this time of frustration and confusion won't be seen as "using" him, it will be him standing by my side, innocently and devotionally, and me finding my way back home. If I do leave my husband, then I can understand how an outsider could perceive my actions as "using" him.

 

The thing is, he'll be standing by your side, supporting you through something he hasn't a clue about. If you really want things to change and get better, tell him how you're feeling now. That you want to love him, feel that passion again, but it's not in you right now. Yes, it's sad, but he deserves to know that you're not feeling "it" much anymore.

 

You've allowed yourself to become emotionally attached and emotionally dependant on another man, online. Because of this, it's taken that love you used to feel for your husband...And that is why things are they way they are now.

 

You must either end your marriage and go after the online guy or end it with the online guy, get him OUT of your system and fix your marriage. I think once he is gone, all that you feel for your husband will come back...You've just pushed it away and allowed the crush/fantasy feelings to take over.

[Xhie]

And its not like I'm being promiscuous... I've found myself in love with 1 other man who I met online and began as a friendship and we've never actually met. I'm not out having random sex or seeking relationships with multiple partners. We found each other as we shared similar interests and experiences and have fallen in love with each other without ever having touched the other person's skin.

 

Let me get this straight... your definition of being promiscuous and cheating just him sticking his dick in you? No dear, what you have here is a perfect example of emotional cheating, and it is far more destructive then physical cheating is.

 

With physical cheating you have only taken one thing out of your marriage and given it so someone else, when someone cheats emotionally they give everything to someone else.

 

You have thrown your marriage vows into the toilet and you did it all for a person that is probably not at all who you think he is. News dear, people lie through there teeth online.

 

JamesM is correct in that this person you have so easily decided you are madly in love with has no respect for marriage or you for that matter, if he did he would not be helping you cheat.

 

Hes also correct in that your husband is not "standing by you", he has no idea what is going on and you don't even have the respect to tell him that some stranger is destroying his marriage and that you went to that stranger to do it.

 

You know what... the more I type the more I realize that you don't even know what respect is, **** it, leave your husband whom you obviously do not respect and go be with someone who obviously does not respect you. Let your husband find someone who can give him more. Hell get over your cheating ass soon enough.

[jstkpswmg]

My husband isn't completely unaware of the problems in our marriage. When my friendship online turned into a more heated attraction, I told my husband about it, and I panicked, told the guy online that I had to stop this, and this is when our marriage counselling began. I begged for my husband to stand by my side, and he was in complete shock, we talked about it and I promised to stop contact with the guy online and it would never happen again. We started the counselling to work on getting reconnected and making things work. We learned a lot of things in the counselling about how we've grown apart. And have started finding ways for us to grow together.

 

Well, the online relationship only stopped for about a week before I couldn't resist and I wrote him and we started back as friends and it quickly escalated into more. He's fully aware that I am married, and we are reminded of it every time he sees my ring on my finger or the phone rings and its my husband calling. Its not easy on both of us. We know its wrong, but we can't resist. We've had long discussions on how we don't agree with our actions morally, we are aware that other's don't think highly of our actions. His friends are concerned for him, being involved with a married woman. And if my friends knew, they would be concerned too. One of my female friends knows as much as my husband knows, about the first involvement. But neither my friend or husband know that the relationship is active again.

 

Right now I feel pretty ****ty. I don't know what I want and I'm getting too many people involved. I fear that I will end up losing both men and my friends and be left alone. ... I think I need to get away, away from everyone and experience something by myself, and start re-prioritizing everything I want/need and what is important to me and see if I can start to figure out my feelings.

[JamesM]

As for the sexual nature of the online relationship.... we have never met... so we have never kissed or had intercourse so in that sense, I guess in "Clinton" definition I have not cheated. But our conversations have recently included phone sex, so our conversations are no longer just about the weather or about work or the news. We've been corresponding for about 5 months now, and the past 4 months has been daily conversations and the past 3 months has involved sexual content. We know all about each other's families and friends. I've spoken with some of his friends. He knows I am married and is not ok with it and hence the reason we haven't met yet, because I am not single and we don't want to risk having a physical affair.

 

 

He's fully aware that I am married, and we are reminded of it every time he sees my ring on my finger or the phone rings and its my husband calling.

 

Please explain the obvious conflict in these statements. You have never met yet he "sees" the ring on your finger or when your husband calls. It sounds like you have met him, and he has been to your house.

 

Since you have told your husband you quit and then went back, I know you will get flamed for this. So, let me kindly say that you should fell like sh**. I have a hard time understanding how you can say that you cannot resist. You are an adult...you must make choices. You have a commitment to a guy who obviously has stuck by you despite his knowledge of your cheating. And yet you want a guy who has no problem with cheating. Oh yes, he is bothered by the fact that you are married, but will he stay with you once you are no longer "forbidden fruit?" Rather the question should be...will you want him when you know you can? And then who will look better...your husband or him? Most affairs end badly. Period.

 

Trust me, your hole is deep. Don't dig it deeper. Climb out and take responsibility for your life.

 

What would I tell you? Either drop the online guy ore leave your husband. Don't continue as you are. Please let your poor husband have a great marriage or let him look for a woman who loves him for who he is.

[whichwayisup]

Well, the online relationship only stopped for about a week before I couldn't resist and I wrote him and we started back as friends and it quickly escalated into more. He's fully aware that I am married, and we are reminded of it every time he sees my ring on my finger or the phone rings and its my husband calling. Its not easy on both of us. We know its wrong, but we can't resist. We've had long discussions on how we don't agree with our actions morally, we are aware that other's don't think highly of our actions. His friends are concerned for him, being involved with a married woman. And if my friends knew, they would be concerned too. One of my female friends knows as much as my husband knows, about the first involvement. But neither my friend or husband know that the relationship is active again.

So once again, your husband is by your side, supporting you and he doesn't know that you're back having the emotional affair with the OM. You are acting extremely selfish and it's all by choice!! No wonder you can't muster up any sexual or romantic feelings for your husband. It's all being focussing on the OM.

 

Right now I feel pretty ****ty. I don't know what I want and I'm getting too many people involved. I fear that I will end up losing both men and my friends and be left alone. ... I think I need to get away, away from everyone and experience something by myself, and start re-prioritizing everything I want/need and what is important to me and see if I can start to figure out my feelings.

 

Hate to say it, but you don't feel bad enough to end the affair with the OM or end your marriage. You seem quite content keeping things as they are until you finish school and dump your husband...Which I think your husband deserves to know and DECIDE for himself if that is what HE wants. You're leading him on! He just doesn't know that! He's being kept in the dark.

 

All the marriage counselling is a joke too. Why even bother going? You're not fixing your marriage, you're still intouch with the OM so it seems pointless and a waste of money.

 

I hope you figure things out and soon. You have two men in your life, one you're married to, the other waiting in the wings. Make a decision and stick to it.

[jstkpswmg]

My other relationship is strictly online, we have never met, but we do spend a lot of time together online, on the phone, and with the webcam. This is how he sees my ring and hears the phone ring.

 

I agree that I cannot continue as I am now... that is why I was seeking advise, and I've heard it... I've made a decision and couldn't stick to it, and I made the same decision again and still couldn't stick to it. ....I need to think for a while....

 

I'll keep you posted.

[Xhie]

You seem to be uncap able of making this decision.

 

Ok, thats fine, some people just cant make decisions like this.

 

If this is the case with you then let your husband make it. Tell him whats going on and let him decide what he wants. Stop being a selfish *******.

 

And you really are a bitch for lying to your husband, you told him it was over and hes sitting there thinking that the two of you together are working on your marriage, its a total and complete lie to him.

[masala]

I am a full time graduate student and have had to finance my entire education on my own -- no help from anyone. So I do feel that your desire to continue being married just so that you can MOOCH, because that's exactly what it is, is incredibly selfish.

 

If you are having problems and want to be out of the relationship, that is understandable. But cheating on him and expecting him to foot the bill for your education, the benefits of which he will never reap because you plan on leaving him as soon as it is over, is wrong and selfish. Terminate one or both relationships, but do not continue to do this to your husband.

 

You're sitting there saying we're judging you and we don't care to know the root of the problem. The problem is that you're unhappy in your marriage and think this relationship is an escape. In the meantime, your husband is worth staying with -- and cheating on -- because he makes a nice meal ticket. Now, I personally feel that you could seriously benefit from being on your own. It seems to me that you feel like you've always been selfless and probably resent your husband because you feel he doesn't do as much as you do. You feel like after all you've done for him, you DESERVE for him to continue paying for things, even while you continue an extramarital relationship, which isn't right. It seems to me like you need to be on your own -- you're not happy with your husband and with the baggage of a five year marriage, I'm willing to bet that once you run off with your internet boyfriend, you'll realize pretty quickly that you're not happy with him, either.

 

Grow up. If you want to get out, get out. But do it now, and don't do it because you want to run away with someone else.

[jstkpswmg]

I want to clarify some more, I am not "mooching" off my husband. I give plenty for him, I give him plenty support as he is starting a business with his father and creating a website and business plan, I help out with ALL of the household chores and repairs, I have been helping him plan out his classes for night school as he is starting college and seeking his first degree... I don't just take. Recently in a time of a lot of changes in our lives, he has helped create a stable of environment as possible at home and he has provided me a car and roof over my head, and I am very thankful for this. He is not paying my tuition - I am taking care of that on my own. And I work part time to pay for my gas and all of the groceries.

 

I agree that I could benefit from some time on my own. This is something I never did. I married right out of high school and never experienced true independence. Over the summer I discussed this with my husband, we talked about seperating for a while, a few weeks or months to see how things went... but it never happened. He begged me to say and I did.

 

... time for some studying ...

[whichwayisup]

Everything aside, you owe it to your husband now to tell him that you're back in contact with the OM. The marriage counselling issue is pointless UNTIL you are ready to give it your best WITHOUT THE OTHER MAN part of your life. Until that happens, there's no point in continuing. Sorry, but what you're doing is plain wrong and cruel. And I'm sorry that some of my advice is harsh, (respectful though) but you need to hear it.

 

I am not "mooching" off my husband

 

You are in the sense of making him feel like things are OK, you going to marriage counselling, and him thinking that you and the OM are done for good. You're still living together, under the same roof, yet you have someone else on the side. That is having your cake and eating it too.

[SheilaB28]

i too am experiencing a similar situation...in a marriage that is not quite working and catching feelings for another man (online) i suggest that you continue to let your hubby know that things are not right between the two of you. that way when you do divorce him, there will be no shock! he'll know that it was in the making all along.

 

also i don't really see the online thing as cheating if you to have not had physical contact. however how do you really know how your online man feels about you and what does he really think of your marital status?

 

i need help too...

[Bud Hopkins]

I've witness your situation many-a-time from those who get married at a young age. Around the age of 25-28 they question the relationship, get bored, are depressed by the fact that they didn't get to experience "life" and look for the excitement they now wish for.

 

Some leave, divorce or whatnot, and others cheat (on various levels) and decide to stay.

 

The ones that leave end up dating several men until the age of 30-32 at which time they look for a long term relationship.

 

The ones that stay tend to cheat, "party" (drugs/alchohol/clubs/friends of friends), and seperate emotionally from the relationship. The SO may or may not be aware of this. Then, after a few years, they gain perspective and decide to put their efforts back in the original relationship.

 

Do they live happily ever after? I will let you know about 10-15 years from now...