herenow Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I went back and read some of the posts by noforgiveness. She does ask some tough questions, but I have not seen her call anyone names or anything like that. She has been called bitter and angry. I think some of her questions have hit a nerve and maybe some people think she is not being supportive. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 oh BTDT, I really understand, I have been through so much as well. My mom died and I had to give up my dog for adoption, but I still visit her. I know it does make you emotionally tired. I guess you do! I'm so sorry about your mom. I lost mine 7 years ago and I'm STILL not over it! It does get better though. It's just times like these that make it hard. I can't talk to my dad like I could her, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 oh BTDT, I really understand, I have been through so much as well. My mom died and I had to give up my dog for adoption, but I still visit her. I know it does make you emotionally tired. I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I guess you do! I'm so sorry about your mom. I lost mine 7 years ago and I'm STILL not over it! It does get better though. It's just times like these that make it hard. I can't talk to my dad like I could her, obviously. Yes not to steal this thread, but now that I think about it I am sad... tears in my eyes... loosing someone is tough, and having to give things up that you love is not any easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 I still don't feel that the question has been answered. It has been talked around and alluded to, but not answered. What does support sound like to an OW? I think what NoraJane said is the way that I feel. But she is an exOW. What about current OW? Why does everyone keep bringing up noforgiveness as a basher. Like another poster said, she was attacked for having a negative view of the woman in her sitch. For goodness sakes, it was her best friend!!!!! I would want to kill every woman within 10 miles of my H after that. It goes both ways. And while I don't agree with some of what noforgiveness and other newly betrayed may say at this point in time, I used to. It is a growth process. And I am not nearly completely there. I am doing better, for me, comparing myself to where I was. So again. What sounds like support to an OW? I cannot condone an A. I won't even try. But there is a big broad line of things that can be said to support the person and not the choices being made. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I went back and read some of the posts by noforgiveness. She does ask some tough questions, but I have not seen her call anyone names or anything like that. She has been called bitter and angry. I think some of her questions have hit a nerve and maybe some people think she is not being supportive. Just to add to my own post, noforgiveness has given constructive criticism to both OW and BW. She seems to be a no nonsense kind of person. Someone that would make a good friend and tell you how it really is. I feel that way about some of the OW here as well. The truth sometimes hurts. BW's have different truths than OW and maybe that is why we have different opinions on what is bashing and what is support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Oh yeah. And I still feel that getting defensive is a choice. There is a HUGE difference between me, the adult, being verbally (if you can call the internet that) attacked, versus my child's well-being being threatened. My child does not have the emotional resources that I have, so of course, I am going to come to my child's aid. That only makes sense. Adults have choices in the behavior that we choose. Don't get me wrong, I am still learning how to make better choices, so I don't claim to be some goodie-two-shoes that is perfect. No one is perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
NearlyThere Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Oh yeah. And I still feel that getting defensive is a choice. There is a HUGE difference between me, the adult, being verbally (if you can call the internet that) attacked, versus my child's well-being being threatened. My child does not have the emotional resources that I have, so of course, I am going to come to my child's aid. That only makes sense. Adults have choices in the behavior that we choose. Don't get me wrong, I am still learning how to make better choices, so I don't claim to be some goodie-two-shoes that is perfect. No one is perfect. I was not aware we were talking about "verbal" internet assaults only, I thought we were talking about being defensive as in our whole psyche to what we perceive as threatening behaviour to our own self. Sorry I misunderstood you and you me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Oh, no prob. That's what I was talking about. Just posts on the net. Someone in my face would be treated however the nature of the encounter dictated. Sorry for the confusion. BTW, I research the heck out of things too. Unfortunately, I tend to give up once I get too much info that conflicts from my initial assumption - but mainly only if none of it agrees. Link to post Share on other sites
NearlyThere Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Oh, no prob. That's what I was talking about. Just posts on the net. Someone in my face would be treated however the nature of the encounter dictated. Sorry for the confusion. BTW, I research the heck out of things too. Unfortunately, I tend to give up once I get too much info that conflicts from my initial assumption - but mainly only if none of it agrees. All I kep coming up with when searching for defensive behaviour was bloomin Martial Arts. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Again we can all imagine how she is feeling but only someone who has experienced it knows exactly what its really like, but by the same token only an OW knows what its really like to be the OW and lets not start the "which one feels worse" thread off again, been there, seen it, done it, got the t-shirt, sent the postcard. !! No need for the rolling of the eyes. It's not about which one feels worst. IMO, I was talking about which pain was self inflicted but anywhoo..... (and I did add the IMO so that should make it alright?) But also we all need to bear in mind every sitch is different, even in the slightest ways and not try to apply one solution to all.!! Yeah sure. And I dont think noforgiveness was "attacked" any more than she has supposedly "bashed" anyone on here. I put these in quotes, because other people keep saying no attacking or bashing goes on just personal pov's which we all keep saying we are entitled to, JIMO. lol. What I was referring to are the posts that were deleted. They were infact, deleted because of the content and harrassment. I happened to have been in that thread, saw it with my own eyes. Maybe that was before you got here? I don't know. Also I would like to say she seems to me like a very strong lady who I have respect and admiration for even if I dont very often agree with her!! I agree. I was actually just answering someone else's post being that Noforgiveness wasn't here to defend herself. I've got nothing against anyone here. We're all women. I actually wish we could have a sisterhood similar to the brotherhood these men are so loyal too. Hey, whatever. Again this is all JMO anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 No I Didn't, In looking at your history of posts, the majority of your postings are in the OM/OW forum. You are clearly obsessed with the OW and seem to be using this forum to deal with whatever issues you still have with your husband's OW. Your posts are always under the guise of "honest question" or some such "innocent" heading and its so clearly designed to fillet any OW that responds. Now let me have it...get some more of that anger out. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I just don't get it though...I know I'm probably sticking my neck out here, but how can you want these things from an UNAVAILABLE man? I mean if he lied and said he wasn't married, then that I could understand. When he lies and says he's unhappy, then it seems that it's up to you to move on to an available man because this one can't give you what you want and need. The common thread is the MM yes, but he's someone else's man, someone's husband. exaxtly! I am saying in general that we would want what any other woman would want a healthy relationship that will grow and evolve, yes and that means with an unavailable man. For me personally anyway that is what I would like. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 exaxtly! I am saying in general that we would want what any other woman would want a healthy relationship that will grow and evolve, yes and that means with an unavailable man. For me personally anyway that is what I would like. OOPS! I MEANT TO SAY WITH A AVAILABALE MAN... Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 OOPS! I MEANT TO SAY WITH A AVAILABALE MAN... I knew what you meant. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I knew what you meant. he he... oh I have a headache Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 What kind of support helps an OW? What kind is expected? My thought is that if I had a friend in that situation, while I could sympathize with much of her sadness and that she feels bad that her boyfriend is married, I'd still tell her that her solution is to leave him and try to help her find strength to do so - by being honest about his shortcomings and the shortcomings of their relationship. In other words, if I had a friend who was constantly beating her head against the wall and asking for support because her head hurt, I'd give her aspirin and tell her to see a doctor, but I'd also tell her to STOP beating her head against the wall if she wanted the pain to stop forever. And I say all of this as a former OW. So, for the OW who post here seeking support, what kind of support would be helpful to you? I suppose no one is giving me that advice (in my real life) because I don't feel unhappy with the situation, people like him, and we have a great time together.... ... I suppose I'm really here more for the discussion than the support as such. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I'm not speaking for her, but I know for a fact that she was being tormented (for lack of a better word) since her first thread. I think she's gotten off at a bad start here on LS and that maybe one person gave her a bad view. Again, I am not speaking for her, that's JMO from witnessing her being attacked. Of course she is hurting. Anyone of us in her shoes would be. OW, how do you all think YOU would feel in the BS's shoes? If I were in the BS's shoes... I'd feel like Hell. But as far as message boards go? If I could find any use for them at all, it would be in finding someone in my own situation, and seeing how they dealt with it. I'd turf him out, or otherwise deal with him, and that would be the end of that. I have no idea how I'd feel about the OW, but I'd most certainly see her as an individual (whether or not I had any communication with her), and I'd not be searching out other OW just for the sake of 'understanding where they're coming from' or 'giving them a piece of my mind'. I think we're all individual people, making mistakes... all individuals. We didn't come out of a box marked 'MM' 'BS' or 'OW'... I can't see a reason I'd want to talk to other OW, or say anything to them at all really... what would be the point..? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I just don't get it though...I know I'm probably sticking my neck out here, but how can you want these things from an UNAVAILABLE man? I mean if he lied and said he wasn't married, then that I could understand. When he lies and says he's unhappy, then it seems that it's up to you to move on to an available man because this one can't give you what you want and need. The common thread is the MM yes, but he's someone else's man, someone's husband. I suppose the thing for me is... that he may not be available for marriage (at the moment), but he certainly is available for love, and a relationship. We get to spent quite a bit of time together, and it's real time, real things we're doing, none of it is 'fantasy' just because he happens to be married to someone else. I know that sounds iffy or wrong (to say 'just because')... but that's the fact. His emotions, his attention, his conversation, his love... him, in person... he's there and available. Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I suppose the thing for me is... that he may not be available for marriage (at the moment), but he certainly is available for love, and a relationship. We get to spent quite a bit of time together, and it's real time, real things we're doing, none of it is 'fantasy' just because he happens to be married to someone else. I know that sounds iffy or wrong (to say 'just because')... but that's the fact. His emotions, his attention, his conversation, his love... him, in person... he's there and available. Ok, in that perspective it makes sense if that's what you want. But in the terms of time, he's unavailable. I'm a woman who needs time and attention dedicated to making a relationship grow. It would kill me to know that this time and attention is dedicated to someone other than myself. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Ok, in that perspective it makes sense if that's what you want. But in the terms of time, he's unavailable. I'm a woman who needs time and attention dedicated to making a relationship grow. It would kill me to know that this time and attention is dedicated to someone other than myself. Me too. I just know that he isn't devoting either to her. Link to post Share on other sites
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