Honest Question

[NearlyThere]

Perhaps it would be helpful if EVERYONE, OW's, BS's, W'f and whoever else comes and looks at this forum to go back and have a look or another look at the very first thread. Please Read for Other Man/Other Woman Forum.

 

 

This gives an outline as to what is acceptable and unacceptable responses to all view points expressed. For those who dont think that they need to hear are a few bits from it.

 

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" This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with people who already have commitments to other partners. It is certainly appropriate for people whose partners have been unfaithful to them to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner."

 

"Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate.

 

"Sometimes sincerely offered help isn't appreciated; c'est la vie. The original poster cannot dictate what kind of responses he or she will get. Sometimes the truth hurts, and the community would be ill-served if people only posted encouragement and applause in response to others. But the moderation team is tired of dealing with posts that aren't aligned with the spirit of our community, which is to offer helpful advice and sincere support to people who are struggling with interpersonal problems."

 

 

One thing I have observed again and again is that posters might start out with helpful intentions, but when their advice is not taken the way they feel it should be, they turn a corner and start to relentlessly badger.

Imagine a person who posted a problem like this: "I need to get from New York to London this summer, and I'm terrified of flying, so air travel isn't an option for me. But unless I book passage on a very very slow boat, any shipfare is far beyond my means. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Please, don't suggest flying, I cannot board an airplane."

 

A person could conceivably respond with info about how to overcome a fear of flying, perhaps relating personal experience, etc. But ask yourself: if the original poster dismisses that suggestion, what good would it do to keep on bringing it up? The original poster isn't going to consider flying, no matter how many times it is raised in responding posts.

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Like it says above people dont have to agree or condone with the OW's choices and of course can give their own opinions, if I dont like or wish to follow someones advice, if it is given with the forethought of trying to be being generally helpful then fair enough, thank-you for your time. Of course it is always useful to have another persons view point, I always read what people have to say. However sometimes recently it does seem to have got more to trying to force people to agree with your view point and being downright rude.

[NoIDidn't]

The bottom line is that if you're an OW, majority of LS members will judge you, question your self-esteem, bash your morals and upbringing... you'll feel worthless and defensive just by reading the so called "advice" given.

 

You would get the same thing from people IRL, not just on LS. Even people that know and love you. In fact, people on LS are far more tame. And, I don't think that anyone that posts, does so to make any OW/OM feel worthless.

[NoIDidn't]

Everyone has an opinion. I started posting about my experiences as a BS. Sometimes I don't get the response I would like from other BS's.

 

If you can wade through the anger, you can get to the real points. If you learn one thing from anyone here, it has been worth it.

 

Lasan,

 

I agree with you to a degree. A lot of the recently betrayed are still raw, and maybe this isn't the place for them. But the previously betrayed, as in recovered, aren't angry, IMHO.

 

I also don't think that your sitch is shared among the "angry" BWs. You described a M you couldn't wait to get out of, of being really unhappy. I think most of the BW here, were relatively happy until discovery of their H's A.

 

But I do agree with you. I really don't think that reading an OW/OM board is good for the recently betrayed. It definitely wasn't good for me earlier this year.

[NoIDidn't]

Let's not forget.

 

 

 

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" This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with people who already have commitments to other partners. It is certainly appropriate for people whose partners have been unfaithful to them to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner."

 

"Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate.

 

"Sometimes sincerely offered help isn't appreciated; c'est la vie. The original poster cannot dictate what kind of responses he or she will get. Sometimes the truth hurts, and the community would be ill-served if people only posted encouragement and applause in response to others. But the moderation team is tired of dealing with posts that aren't aligned with the spirit of our community, which is to offer helpful advice and sincere support to people who are struggling with interpersonal problems."

 

 

One thing I have observed again and again is that posters might start out with helpful intentions, but when their advice is not taken the way they feel it should be, they turn a corner and start to relentlessly badger.

Imagine a person who posted a problem like this: "I need to get from New York to London this summer, and I'm terrified of flying, so air travel isn't an option for me. But unless I book passage on a very very slow boat, any shipfare is far beyond my means. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Please, don't suggest flying, I cannot board an airplane."

 

A person could conceivably respond with info about how to overcome a fear of flying, perhaps relating personal experience, etc. But ask yourself: if the original poster dismisses that suggestion, what good would it do to keep on bringing it up? The original poster isn't going to consider flying, no matter how many times it is raised in responding posts.

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I think that both sides have gotten dirty. I don't think that its accurate to say that those who aren't in the situation are the only ones. The defensiveness is not helpful. But name calling on either side is not defensible. I didn't see any OW/OM pointing out that posters calling the betrayed bitter is wrong. And it is wrong.

[tinktronik]

Let's not forget.

 

 

 

 

 

I think that both sides have gotten dirty. I don't think that its accurate to say that those who aren't in the situation are the only ones. The defensiveness is not helpful. But name calling on either side is not defensible. I didn't see any OW/OM pointing out that posters calling the betrayed bitter is wrong. And it is wrong.

Bingo . It goes both ways .

[NearlyThere]

Let's not forget.

 

I think that both sides have gotten dirty. I don't think that its accurate to say that those who aren't in the situation are the only ones. The defensiveness is not helpful. But name calling on either side is not defensible. I didn't see any OW/OM pointing out that posters calling the betrayed bitter is wrong. And it is wrong.

 

This is what I was to say, but thought I would use LS's own guidelines.

 

I agree there is defensiveness and name calling and neither are helpful which is what this forum is supposed to be about. But it is hard not to be defensive when you have 3/4 people having a go about immorality etc in one go. JIMO

[NoIDidn't]

But it is hard not to be defensive when you have 3/4 people having a go about immorality etc in one go. JIMO

 

Why is that? Just curious as to your answer, and it doesn't have anything to do with infidelity. Why is it hard to not be defensive just when someone brings up possible moral implications of a situation?

[NearlyThere]

I was just using moraility as an example to be honest, it was the first one that sprung to mind and the one most people seem to be defensive about.

I was talking more about the being defensive part when you have 3/4 people having a go, whether what they are saying is right or wrong.

 

It doesnt bother ME if people want to call me immoral. The definition of immoral is, conflicting with generally or traditionally held moral principles, I dont feel that my life is immoral, just because a very small part of it does not fit into another group of peoples moral princples.

[herenow]

If people only listened to those that agree with them, we would still believe that the earth is flat. We need to be able to have discussions with those who see the world differently so that we can try to understand a different point of view. We may never agree, but maybe it can help us move on.

[NoIDidn't]

Oh okay. I wanted to ask because I think getting defensive is a choice. Regardless of how many people may chime in in opposition. But that's just me. Getting defensive makes me reactive, and I am not a reactive person. But, again, that's just me.

[NearlyThere]

Oh okay. I wanted to ask because I think getting defensive is a choice. Regardless of how many people may chime in in opposition. But that's just me. Getting defensive makes me reactive' date=' and I am not a reactive person. But, again, that's just me.[/quote']

 

Not too sure, politely, lol, i wish to say I have a different opinion, I have always thought that defensiveness was a more inbuilt instinct against attack from an opposive forces, if your backed into a corner, your automatic reaction surely would be to fight back.

 

However I could be wrong, will now no doubt spend the night scouring the net to find out, lol. I am a typical curiousity killed the cat type of person.

[herenow]

It's interesting that the posts that have the most hits are the ones where OW and BW face off. People complain about the bashing, but it sure seems like they enjoy the back and forth slinging. I'm as guilty as anyone, but that's why I'm here, to discuss.

[Ripples]

Not too sure, politely, lol, i wish to say I have a different opinion, I have always thought that defensiveness was a more inbuilt instinct against attack from an opposive forces, if your backed into a corner, your automatic reaction surely would be to fight back.

 

However I could be wrong, will now no doubt spend the night scouring the net to find out, lol. I am a typical curiousity killed the cat type of person.

 

I, also, believe that defensiveness is a choice.

 

Feelings stem from thoughts, and we can control our thoughts, suprising though that may seem.

[frannie]

oh and stillhere i don't think those words were ever used. I think the harshest words that were said is that you seem to be a kept woman. What is it you personally would call a woman who is dating a married man and receives an allowance from him?

 

What about, 'a woman who is dating a married man and receives an allowance from him' ?

 

Why the need to label?

 

But if you're looking for a suitable term, then 'mistress' fits:

 

Mistress:

1. A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a usually married man who is not her husband and from whom she generally receives material support.

[frannie]

You would get the same thing from people IRL' date=' not just on LS. Even people that know and love you. In fact, people on LS are far more tame. And, I don't think that anyone that posts, does so to make any OW/OM feel worthless.[/quote']

 

Thankfully I don't get any of that from people I know in real life (OR online for the most part, come to think about it!). I have quite a few supportive friends who don't spout any of this 'received wisdom' I read on here. Then again, they have actually met me and MM, and so they probably see us as people rather than case studies..?

 

I think the Internet allows people to post some pretty cutting stuff that they are much less likely to say to someone's face. Especially people they barely know.

[NearlyThere]

I, also, believe that defensiveness is a choice.

 

Feelings stem from thoughts, and we can control our thoughts, suprising though that may seem.

 

 

Hi Ripples and NoIDidnt

 

So what you are both telling me is that if either of you are attacked that neither of you would try and defend yourself? What about if, its applicable, one of your children or family are being attacked you would not defend them either? Im not having a go here, just intrigued.

 

Perhaps, if your interested, we should take this onto another forum on LS? Because this is getting into another realm and off topic really.

 

NT

[Joelle]

Feelings stem from thoughts, and we can control our thoughts, suprising though that may seem.

 

Good point.

[Buttaflyy]

It seems like the Ow/OM here are getting irritated with everyone posting and commenting regularly on "their" forum. And I am really confused. The biggest complaints seem to be the those not in their sitch are judgemental or trying to force them to change their status, or that they just want to talk to people in their situation.

 

How exactly does that go? What kinds of conversations are "supposed" to be going on here? Because I honestly don't hang out where I am not wanted.

 

It's funny you posted this because I've thought the same before. I've seen where certain posters where directed to the infidelty forum with their threads as if they are in the wrong place. Isn't this forum created to discuss anything concering a OW/OM situation?

 

IMO, no matter what side of the fence you are on, this is a forum dedicated to the subject of affairs. I do hate when there's arguing and certain folks antagonizing one another. People are all here for different reasons, ultimately, it's to get information from the otherside? At least that's what it seems to me.

[pricillia]

I'm thinking you have the wrong person, cuz i'm very much an OW!!!

 

I agree, they should all feel welcome, but we don't anymore. People are free to post where they want, i have no problem with that. I have a problem when BS's start calling me a hooker and a wh*re, and every other name under the sun. Does that sound welcoming enough for you?

 

look this situations is not easy for both sides. It is a fact that both BS and OW are hurting.

 

Advice is welcome from both sides, after all this is a community forum.

 

bHowever we should all remember that ehind the type is a real person with feeling and emptions, some knew that they were getting into the situation and some did not ( the OW I mean) but either way it is not easy to walk away in some instances because we are after all only Human.

 

But I think that still here and some of others have been backed up against a wall and has been made to feel badly. I think that for the BS and the OW we have one thing in common and that is that we are all women that have been changed by the MM.

 

The decision that we make to go or to stay is a personal one that can break someone emotionally and ruin lives, on both sides.

 

Now if I were on the other side of the equation I would not like it one bit!!!But at the same time I would not take out all my frustrations on all other women, I would deal with my husband and what he did while he should have been in a relationship with me and only me.

[frannie]

It's funny you posted this because I've thought the same before. I've seen where certain posters where directed to the infidelty forum with their threads as if they are in the wrong place. Isn't this forum created to discuss anything concering a OW/OM situation?

 

Well, according to the tag line, no:

 

"Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

i.e. the OM or the OW, presumably?

 

But that doesn't necessarily mean that people giving the support (or joining in the discussion) can only be the OM or OW? Any support or (constructive ?) discussion is presumably welcome?

[Buttaflyy]

Well, according to the tag line, no:

 

"Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

i.e. the OM or the OW, presumably?

 

But that doesn't necessarily mean that people giving the support (or joining in the discussion) can only be the OM or OW? Any support or (constructive ?) discussion is presumably welcome?

 

I never noticed the tag. Thanks for telling me. I will keep my opinions to myself now as it's a LS issue and nothing concerning the topic.

 

Thanks again Frannie .

[norajane]

What kind of support helps an OW? What kind is expected?

 

My thought is that if I had a friend in that situation, while I could sympathize with much of her sadness and that she feels bad that her boyfriend is married, I'd still tell her that her solution is to leave him and try to help her find strength to do so - by being honest about his shortcomings and the shortcomings of their relationship.

 

In other words, if I had a friend who was constantly beating her head against the wall and asking for support because her head hurt, I'd give her aspirin and tell her to see a doctor, but I'd also tell her to STOP beating her head against the wall if she wanted the pain to stop forever.

 

And I say all of this as a former OW.

 

So, for the OW who post here seeking support, what kind of support would be helpful to you?

[herenow]

What kind of support helps an OW? What kind is expected?

 

My thought is that if I had a friend in that situation, while I could sympathize with much of her sadness and that she feels bad that her boyfriend is married, I'd still tell her that her solution is to leave him and try to help her find strength to do so - by being honest about his shortcomings and the shortcomings of their relationship.

 

In other words, if I had a friend who was constantly beating her head against the wall and asking for support because her head hurt, I'd give her aspirin and tell her to see a doctor, but I'd also tell her to STOP beating her head against the wall if she wanted the pain to stop forever.

 

And I say all of this as a former OW.

 

So, for the OW who post here seeking support, what kind of support would be helpful to you?

 

I would be interested to know also. If all you get is people sending you hugs, wishing you well and agreeing with you, it seems to me this forum wouldn't be much help at all. If you want someone to just be there and nothing else, get a fish. No offense to fish lovers, it just that they have no interpersonal interaction and that is what LS is all about.

[peacelove]

Threadjackers again!!

[herenow]

Threadjackers again!!

 

Who is threadjacking? Here is the original post

 

"It seems like the Ow/OM here are getting irritated with everyone posting and commenting regularly on "their" forum. And I am really confused. The biggest complaints seem to be the those not in their sitch are judgemental or trying to force them to change their status, or that they just want to talk to people in their situation.

 

How exactly does that go? What kinds of conversations are "supposed" to be going on here? Because I honestly don't hang out where I am not wanted."

 

I think asking the OW what kind of support she is looking for is keeping with the post.