Honest Question

[pureinheart]

Not too sure, politely, lol, i wish to say I have a different opinion, I have always thought that defensiveness was a more inbuilt instinct against attack from an opposive forces, if your backed into a corner, your automatic reaction surely would be to fight back.

 

However I could be wrong, will now no doubt spend the night scouring the net to find out, lol. I am a typical curiousity killed the cat type of person.

 

The last year or so I've been through so much that I tend to be overly sensitive.....for me defensivness is a reaction after being attacked (so to speak) more than once....the pride rises up in me bigtime....so the bottom line is I lack self control and want to work on that.

 

Let's get real...this is internet and not face to face so if an individual "attacks" or challlenges, they are doing this in writing, they do not know me, except for what I type. They are not attacking me they are attacking or challenging my belief system through what I communicate in writing.

 

Please forgive me for lashing out and being rude myself, I will try not to do that in the future.

 

In life the challenges are great, and this is mine....hurt is hurt period, dot, the end....

 

Having been on both sides of this fence, I didn't blame anyone, just wanted to find out the truth is all....the motive behind the motive so that I could be better. People are people and they will do messed up things....I have done many messed up things.....

 

A message from a book called "Choices" really helped....(this is paraphrased) It's not about changing people, places or things, it's about changing my idea of the way my life should be.

[NearlyThere]

What kind of support do we need???

 

Who knows, no-one is saying that they mind other points of view or different kinds of advice, but sometimes the only person who can provide support to the OW is the OW. It would be a bit like someone with a problem with with the electronics on their Ford car, posting on a forum and someone with knowledge on a Saab car answering, they might be able to give general advice but not specific.

 

Also going back to my earlier post about what LS mods themselves say, for a repeat,

"One thing I have observed again and again is that posters might start out with helpful intentions, but when their advice is not taken the way they feel it should be, they turn a corner and start to relentlessly badger.

Imagine a person who posted a problem like this: "I need to get from New York to London this summer, and I'm terrified of flying, so air travel isn't an option for me. But unless I book passage on a very very slow boat, any shipfare is far beyond my means. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Please, don't suggest flying, I cannot board an airplane."

 

A person could conceivably respond with info about how to overcome a fear of flying, perhaps relating personal experience, etc. But ask yourself: if the original poster dismisses that suggestion, what good would it do to keep on bringing it up? The original poster isn't going to consider flying, no matter how many times it is raised in responding posts."

 

Therefore if the OW has not asked for advice in how to leave her MM there is no point in several people just giving her advice on how to do this.

 

Also its not what people say its the way that they say it that seems to be the problem on here.

[NearlyThere]

JIMO. lol.

[BenThereDunThat]

I initially came here in pain, seeking support on getting out of my situation, to see all the answers that I already knew to be true in black and white.

 

I had decided to end things before I came here and had gone through the first of about 4 break-ups.

 

I also was feeling so horrible about myself that I wanted to find others who had been through the same thing and came out the other side a better person.

[herenow]

What kind of support do we need???

 

Who knows, no-one is saying that they mind other points of view or different kinds of advice, but sometimes the only person who can provide support to the OW is the OW. It would be a bit like someone with a problem with with the electronics on their Ford car, posting on a forum and someone with knowledge on a Saab car answering, they might be able to give general advice but not specific.

 

Also going back to my earlier post about what LS mods themselves say, for a repeat,

"One thing I have observed again and again is that posters might start out with helpful intentions, but when their advice is not taken the way they feel it should be, they turn a corner and start to relentlessly badger.

Imagine a person who posted a problem like this: "I need to get from New York to London this summer, and I'm terrified of flying, so air travel isn't an option for me. But unless I book passage on a very very slow boat, any shipfare is far beyond my means. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Please, don't suggest flying, I cannot board an airplane."

 

A person could conceivably respond with info about how to overcome a fear of flying, perhaps relating personal experience, etc. But ask yourself: if the original poster dismisses that suggestion, what good would it do to keep on bringing it up? The original poster isn't going to consider flying, no matter how many times it is raised in responding posts."

 

Therefore if the OW has not asked for advice in how to leave her MM there is no point in several people just giving her advice on how to do this.

 

Also its not what people say its the way that they say it that seems to be the problem on here.

 

Like anything in life, you take what you want out of it. I have found some of the best posts to be from people I don't agree with. Harsh or not, I take what I want from the answers I get and leave the rest. People can tell me anything they want, it's up to me if I want to listen. I figure that if I open it up to a forum of strangers, I get what I deserve.

[NearlyThere]

Like anything in life, you take what you want out of it. I have found some of the best posts to be from people I don't agree with. Harsh or not, I take what I want from the answers I get and leave the rest. People can tell me anything they want, it's up to me if I want to listen. I figure that if I open it up to a forum of strangers, I get what I deserve.

 

I'm not dis-agreeing with you, I'm mostly agreeing - I do the same as well, everyone is welcome to post a reply to anything I pose as a question or comment, its then up to me whether I take any notice, advice or action from that comment. However it should NOT resort to personal attacks and name calling on EITHER side.

[herenow]

I'm not dis-agreeing with you, I'm mostly agreeing - I do the same as well, everyone is welcome to post a reply to anything I pose as a question or comment, its then up to me whether I take any notice, advice or action from that comment. However it should NOT resort to personal attacks and name calling on EITHER side.

 

I agree and I know I am guilty of being rude myself. I'm not surprised when it happens because of the subject matter.

[NearlyThere]

I agree and I know I am guilty of being rude myself. I'm not surprised when it happens because of the subject matter.

 

lets be honest this is a very emotive subject on all sides, but how can any of us move on, (to a better place, lol), unless we all try and LISTEN and READ thoroughly what the poster is trying to say or ask, again on BOTH sides. Some of us tend to have either tunnel vision, or not read the whole thread from beginning to end. I have done that, then had to work my way back thru it.

[herenow]

lets be honest this is a very emotive subject on all sides, but how can any of us move on, (to a better place, lol), unless we all try and LISTEN and READ thoroughly what the poster is trying to say or ask, again on BOTH sides. Some of us tend to have either tunnel vision, or not read the whole thread from beginning to end. I have done that, then had to work my way back thru it.

 

I do agree with you we need to try and understand both sides. I'm still new, but for the most part I see people trying to help people here. I also see humans reacting to something they have experienced. Sometimes it's necessary to lash out before we move on and sometimes we lash out at the wrong person.

[Ladyjane14]

So many assumptions. Every woman who posts must either be an OW or a BS, apparently there are no other classifications for female posters here in the OM/OW board. If someone doesn't agree with someone else, they're "attacking, bashing, or judging".

 

I can't speak for anyone but me, but guess what I do when I don't like somebody here at LS. (????)

.....I don't say anything to them at all. I just sit back and watch 'em go BOOM. Why would I offer any insight to somebody I didn't like?

 

You know, sometimes a person who's defensive interprets information through THAT particular lens.... defensiveness. When I'm not sure if somebody's being sh*tty with me or not, I go back and read the post again. I read it slower, and I apply a different lens to it.

 

Here's the trick I use... I imagine the words in my head as if they were read to me by Maya Angelou. She's got a beautiful, intelligent, soothing tone. And after I've used this little trick... sometimes I find that I interpret the information in a different way.

 

Now, are there occasional bashers here on the OW/OM forum? Of course. In fact, I'd say they're probably more plentiful here than on most of the other LS boards. But it's not like any of them can actually harm you with their opinions. "Stick and stones....".

 

These are small potatoes in comparison to what some OW's might deal with in real life once they're caught out. So if you can't take a little bit of the virtual heat you catch here in the 'LS kitchen', how are you gonna handle people in the Real World where the judgements will be real.

[Buttaflyy]

So many assumptions. Every woman who posts must either be an OW or a BS, apparently there are no other classifications for female posters here in the OM/OW board. If someone doesn't agree with someone else, they're "attacking, bashing, or judging".

 

I can't speak for anyone but me, but guess what I do when I don't like somebody here at LS. (????)

.....I don't say anything to them at all. I just sit back and watch 'em go BOOM. Why would I offer any insight to somebody I didn't like?

 

You know, sometimes a person who's defensive interprets information through THAT particular lens.... defensiveness. When I'm not sure if somebody's being sh*tty with me or not, I go back and read the post again. I read it slower, and I apply a different lens to it.

 

Here's the trick I use... I imagine the words in my head as if they were read to me by Maya Angelou. She's got a beautiful, intelligent, soothing tone. And after I've used this little trick... sometimes I find that I interpret the information in a different way.

 

Now, are there occasional bashers here on the OW/OM forum? Of course. In fact, I'd say they're probably more plentiful here than on most of the other LS boards. But it's not like any of them can actually harm you with their opinions. "Stick and stones....".

 

These are small potatoes in comparison to what some OW's might deal with in real life once they're caught out. So if you can't take a little bit of the virtual heat you catch here in the 'LS kitchen', how are you gonna handle people in the Real World where the judgements will be real.

 

Amen Hallelujah! *bowing to you Ladyjane* . That's a great tactic (maya angelou) I'll have to try that sometime.

 

And also, like you said not everyone who posts is either a BS or OW.

[herenow]

So many assumptions. Every woman who posts must either be an OW or a BS, apparently there are no other classifications for female posters here in the OM/OW board. If someone doesn't agree with someone else, they're "attacking, bashing, or judging".

 

I can't speak for anyone but me, but guess what I do when I don't like somebody here at LS. (????)

.....I don't say anything to them at all. I just sit back and watch 'em go BOOM. Why would I offer any insight to somebody I didn't like?

 

You know, sometimes a person who's defensive interprets information through THAT particular lens.... defensiveness. When I'm not sure if somebody's being sh*tty with me or not, I go back and read the post again. I read it slower, and I apply a different lens to it.

 

Here's the trick I use... I imagine the words in my head as if they were read to me by Maya Angelou. She's got a beautiful, intelligent, soothing tone. And after I've used this little trick... sometimes I find that I interpret the information in a different way.

 

Now, are there occasional bashers here on the OW/OM forum? Of course. In fact, I'd say they're probably more plentiful here than on most of the other LS boards. But it's not like any of them can actually harm you with their opinions. "Stick and stones....".

 

These are small potatoes in comparison to what some OW's might deal with in real life once they're caught out. So if you can't take a little bit of the virtual heat you catch here in the 'LS kitchen', how are you gonna handle people in the Real World where the judgements will be real.

 

Great post!

[pricillia]

I think that Noforgiveness is hurting right now, but by lashing out on this site at the OW that may show a weak moment or have done something that is not approved of in BS eyes we are taking out the frustrations on OW like all of these OW are someway connected to thier particular situation.

 

The common denominator here is the MM, he is unhappy therefore seaks out whatever need he so desires.

 

If someone has a difference of opinion then that is fine but the picking does noone here any good

 

It makes people not want to post here anylonger and that is a shame

[Buttaflyy]

I think that Noforgiveness is hurting right now, but by lashing out on this site at the OW that may show a weak moment or have done something that is not approved of in BS eyes we are taking out the frustrations on OW like all of these OW are someway connected to thier particular situation.

 

The common denominator here is the MM, he is unhappy therefore seaks out whatever need he so desires.

 

If someone has a difference of opinion then that is fine but the picking does noone here any good

 

It makes people not want to post here anylonger and that is a shame

 

I'm not speaking for her, but I know for a fact that she was being tormented (for lack of a better word) since her first thread. I think she's gotten off at a bad start here on LS and that maybe one person gave her a bad view.

 

Again, I am not speaking for her, that's JMO from witnessing her being attacked. Of course she is hurting. Anyone of us in her shoes would be.

 

OW, how do you all think YOU would feel in the BS's shoes?

[pricillia]

I'm not speaking for her, but I know for a fact that she was being tormented (for lack of a better word) since her first thread. I think she's gotten off at a bad start here on LS and that maybe one person gave her a bad view.

 

Again, I am not speaking for her, that's JMO from witnessing her being attacked. Of course she is hurting. Anyone of us in her shoes would be.

 

OW, how do you all think YOU would feel in the BS's shoes?

 

We would feel like crap! but again the common thread to this is the MM

he is not here to be held accountable.

 

I have nothing against NO forgiveness at all with that said, I hope that she is healing.

 

again just rembember the common thread is the MM they have lied and cheated because they are unhappy for one reason or another.

 

For me it was someone who I opened my heart to and now I feel like I am stuck. I want the same things that BS would like a loving healthy relationship that will grow and evolve.

[BenThereDunThat]

We would feel like crap! but again the common thread to this is the MM

he is not here to be held accountable.

 

I would LOVE it if my exMM came here to try and explain himself. Only because it would be so much fun to watch him get chewed up and spit out.

 

I know, that's terrible. I am getting better. I don't wish he would get fired nearly as many times a day as I used to.

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame him entirely. It's just when I think back to all the things he said to me, it makes me sick to my stomach. Sick that it worked on me for one. He was a master manipulator, one of the best I've ever seen. I truly felt like I was deprogramming myself when I was coming out from under it all.

[Buttaflyy]

For me it was someone who I opened my heart to and now I feel like I am stuck. I want the same things that BS would like a loving healthy relationship that will grow and evolve.

 

I just don't get it though...I know I'm probably sticking my neck out here, but how can you want these things from an UNAVAILABLE man? I mean if he lied and said he wasn't married, then that I could understand. When he lies and says he's unhappy, then it seems that it's up to you to move on to an available man because this one can't give you what you want and need.

 

The common thread is the MM yes, but he's someone else's man, someone's husband.

[pricillia]

I would LOVE it if my exMM came here to try and explain himself. Only because it would be so much fun to watch him get chewed up and spit out.

 

I know, that's terrible. I am getting better. I don't wish he would get fired nearly as many times a day as I used to.

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame him entirely. It's just when I think back to all the things he said to me, it makes me sick to my stomach. Sick that it worked on me for one. He was a master manipulator, one of the best I've ever seen. I truly felt like I was deprogramming myself when I was coming out from under it all.

 

I understand all too well. Are you interested in anyone else, or is it too soon?

[noforgiveness]

Interesting since i seem to be singled out as the sole basher here I would like you all to point out my bashes. I see them as tough questions not bashing.

 

Show me the bashes please since you have chosen to bash me and then pity me.

[BenThereDunThat]

I understand all too well. Are you interested in anyone else, or is it too soon?

 

Unfortunately, not much on my horizon as for as anyone else goes. That's ok, for now.

 

I'm emotionally tired, you know? Between the D then the MM, I need to spend some time getting my head together. I've been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last 12 months. Putting a two-year-old cat down in the middle of all of it too.

 

I'm getting better but I find I can still cry at the drop of a hat some days.

[pricillia]

Interesting since i seem to be singled out as the sole basher here I would like you all to point out my bashes. I see them as tough questions not bashing.

 

Show me the bashes please since you have chosen to bash me and then pity me.

 

 

It is all the way each person percieves it...

 

with that said I think that for the OW and the BS we should not stop living here do the things that you like to do and enjoy life!

[noforgiveness]

It is all the way each person percieves it...

 

with that said I think that for the OW and the BS we should not stop living here do the things that you like to do and enjoy life!

 

well you seem to be the person that brought my name into this and have said i am LASHING OUT so how about you show me some of this lashing out that YOU PERCEIVE.

[pricillia]

well you seem to be the person that brought my name into this and have said i am LASHING OUT so how about you show me some of this lashing out that YOU PERCEIVE.

 

I am not going to do that, all I said is that you were hurting and it seems that in some of your harsh questions people may take that as bashing.

 

I honestly do not have time to sift through each post to prove a point.

 

I was just wondering though that if you agree that your questions are harsh maybe just tone it down.

 

and I did not mean to single you out, no one likes to be singled out.

 

No one here on this site should feel like they can not post because of harsh questions... everyone takes things differently, and sometimes it is hard to get a point across through type.. or feelings for that matter.

[NearlyThere]

I'm not speaking for her, but I know for a fact that she was being tormented (for lack of a better word) since her first thread. I think she's gotten off at a bad start here on LS and that maybe one person gave her a bad view.

 

Again, I am not speaking for her, that's JMO from witnessing her being attacked. Of course she is hurting. Anyone of us in her shoes would be.

 

OW, how do you all think YOU would feel in the BS's shoes?

 

Again we can all imagine how she is feeling but only someone who has experienced it knows exactly what its really like, but by the same token only an OW knows what its really like to be the OW and lets not start the "which one feels worse" thread off again, been there, seen it, done it, got the t-shirt, sent the postcard.

 

But also we all need to bear in mind every sitch is different, even in the slightest ways and not try to apply one solution to all.

 

And I dont think noforgiveness was "attacked" any more than she has supposedly "bashed" anyone on here. I put these in quotes, because other people keep saying no attacking or bashing goes on just personal pov's which we all keep saying we are entitled to, JIMO. lol.

 

Also I would like to say she seems to me like a very strong lady who I have respect and admiration for even if I dont very often agree with her!!

[pricillia]

Unfortunately, not much on my horizon as for as anyone else goes. That's ok, for now.

 

I'm emotionally tired, you know? Between the D then the MM, I need to spend some time getting my head together. I've been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last 12 months. Putting a two-year-old cat down in the middle of all of it too.

 

I'm getting better but I find I can still cry at the drop of a hat some days.

 

oh BTDT, I really understand, I have been through so much as well. My mom died and I had to give up my dog for adoption, but I still visit her.

I know it does make you emotionally tired.