Why is dating so frustrating?

[konfuzd]

So, I have now been stood up for the fifth time, by the fifth guy this year!!!! What the hell happened to common courtesy?!? I am a rational person, I understand that other things come up, and sometimes you can't keep plans you've made, but what makes it so difficult to pick up a damn phone?

 

I met this guy through a friend, we hit it off right away. Our first date, there was this massive storm, and I told him not to bother coming out because there was mass chaos, but he took 2 1/2 hours to get to my place, and did everything in his power to make a horrendous situation into the best date ever. We went out again the following night, again had a really good time, really hit it off. He asked me out again for friday night which would have been the third night in a row. I already had plans, so I declined.

 

On the first date, he mentioned doing something on Saturday night. We talked about it on Thursday, and on Friday, he sent me an e-mail telling me about how excited he was. To that I replied, "you better catch up on your sleep, because I plan on keeping you out late." Just as a flirty little joke... So, saturday rolls around, and I hear nothing... getting a little worried, by 8:00, when I still hadn't heard anything, I txt him and say, "we still on for tonight?"... his reply, "sorry, I fell asleep, can we do something tomorrow? I'm gonna fall back asleep now". Wow, that really hurt, but fine. So I told him I was going to a Grey Cup party and he could come along, to which he accepted.

 

Sunday comes along, and still, he hasn't called me, so I called him before the party. He had gone and made other plans! What the hell? Why would someone do that??? I guess I'm especially upset, because I've been hearing from all my friends that this guy was so into me that he would not stop talking about me, to the point they were sick of it. If he thought so highly of me, why would he be so rude? ARGGGGG.... I can't figure you guys out for the world!!!!

[alphamale]

two possiblities:

1. He is attracted to you and is playing games to raise you interest
   
2. He is not attracted to you and was just being nice since it was a setup meeting.

now its your job to figure out which one.

[konfuzd]

two possiblities:

He is attracted to you and is playing games to raise you interest

He is not attracted to you and was just being nice since it was a setup meeting.

now its your job to figure out which one.

 

Well, if it is #1- It's really good to find out now, because anyone who plays games with me ends up a loser.

 

I know it's not #2 because it wasn't a 'setup' perse, it was a group outing, and he and I just happened to hit it off.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

You have bailed out on him, before he could bail out on you.

 

Give him, at least some leg room to breathe.

 

It would be quiet entertaining to label the man as a "Prick", "Jerk", "Insensitive Man" or "Cold/Cruel/Immature" -but as a matter of fact, that would be totally unfair and out of line.

 

He has a life, with things/persons to live up to. The time inbetween dates, doesn't have to revolve around you.

 

I recommend you busy yourself until, he and you coincide on a certain event.

 

You, as a woman, should focus on establishing a connection with him and presenting yourself as konfuzd -and nothing more.

 

IF the man, sincerely has a heart, he will pursue you in his own way. Do your part of courting, and the rest will fall into place.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[konfuzd]

He has a life, with things/persons to live up to. The time inbetween dates, doesn't have to revolve around you.

 

I am fully aware of this. I have no problem with the fact that he did something else, but I turned down another offer because I was under the impression that I already had plans.

 

I don't expect anyone to stop their life because of me, only a simple 30 second phone call. I don't think it's much to ask.

 

Somehow, I have made it 25 years on this planet without ever once flaking out on anyone, friend, family or partner. If I tell someone I will do something or be somewhere, I will do it or call and let the person know something else came up. I am only asking that someone else show me the same amount of respect. I don't thnk that's unreasonable.

[konfuzd]

It would be quiet entertaining to label the man as a "Prick", "Jerk", "Insensitive Man" or "Cold/Cruel/Immature" -but as a matter of fact, that would be totally unfair and out of line.

 

I never said any of these things. All that I said was that his actions are rude, and lack common courtesy.

 

All the plans we made were his idea. Saturday night was the first time I had called him. Otherwise it was he who initiated everything.

 

IF the man, sincerely has a heart, he will pursue you in his own way. Do your part of courting, and the rest will fall into place.

 

What, in your opinion is my part? I don't understand what you're getting at here. You don't think it is in the least bit rude that he didn't make the date that he had set up, and then again flaked out on the secondary plans?

[ddnnee]

maybe he's dating other girls instead of you. i've seen this in front of my eyes where one guy had a girlfriend and two hidden girlfriends. he was really cool.

[Trialbyfire]

This is the part about dating that I love and hate. The guessing games. I love them because it's very tantalizing, I hate them because they're such a waste of time in the long run.

 

Just leave it. Let him chase you. If he doesn't, he's probably the type of guy that only enjoys the hunt.

[alphamale]

Just leave it. Let him chase you. If he doesn't, he's probably the type of guy that only enjoys the hunt.

that makes no sense....the men who aggressively chase are the ones who only enjoy the hunt.

[Trialbyfire]

that makes no sense....the men who aggressively chase are the ones who only enjoy the hunt.

Did I say aggressively? Nope.

 

If the guy is so into her as referenced above, he will come around. If not, he's playing games.

[dgiirl]

ah the joys of dating Well, right now the ball is in his court. If he's interested, he'll call, if not, no big deal. I, personally, hate dating. I wish i could just have someone say "here, marry this guy and you'll be happy" end of story. *sigh*

[konfuzd]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

So, what happens if he does call? (I doubt he will, but I like to be prepared). I already told him when he bailed on me for Sunday that I thought he was really rude, and I was going to go to my party, and he should call me on Monday. He didn't call, which was no big surprise.

 

If he is interested, and he does come back, do I just give him another shot? On the first few dates, you are trying to impress a girl, and if this is the best he has, should I invest more into this, or will I just end up hurt later on?

 

I honestly don't care if he's seeing other girls, as we just met, and it was only going to be a 3rd date.... What I don't like is that he left me hanging, and forced me to spend a Saturday night alone, when I could have been out having fun. Bah...

[konfuzd]

I really have no idea how guys minds work (or how they don't work in this case). I get an email from this guy telling me that he has realised he values his freedom, and his social life, and doesn't think he can give me the time I need. Then he goes on to say that we can still hang out, or go on a date, but he no longer wants to pursue a relationship with someone like me. He said he has problems making plans and keeping them, and it's not fair that I hold him accountable for that. He then goes on to say that because he already has some intense feelings for me, he doesn't think it would be a good idea to see eachother again.

 

I don't get it. I never asked him to halt his social life for me, I never denied him any freedom, in fact, he had asked me out for every day last week, 3 of which days I had my own plans. He was asking for all of my time. The only time I ever asked of him was that in which he "promised" me.

 

I replied to him that we obviously have different values and that to me, I value someone who treats their word as their promise, and I can not build a trust with someone who doesn't honor their word.

 

Why is it that it seems so much to ask that someone just follows through on something they say they are going to do? I never asked for anything more. Why is he treating me like I am unreasonable? Wow, this hurts.

[Guest]

I know it hurts, and it sucks. But I think this is just one of those times when you have to just accept that it isn't going to work out - if he's flaky like this, and not inclined to take the responsibility for how he behaved (i.e., to see that he was doing the pursuing and was therefore sending you confusing and mixed messages), is he really someone you could build a solid relationship with? Or would even want to? Sounds like a headache waiting to happen. Let him go, and breathe a sigh of relief.

 

It's good that you found this out about him early on.

[pureinheart]

It sounds like he has major commitment issues on all levels. For me dating is too much work...now I don't know what the definition of dating is today, but it used to be a tool or means to find the "right one" or "soul mate".

 

This is just my opinion and am not preaching, this is what works for me: I don't have to do anything except be about my business. God will bring that right person right to my doorstep so to speak. In the past I have picked the people and have failed miserably. Now choose to let God decide who is right for me. It feels good not to have any pressure concerning this matter....when the timing is right it will just happen.

[funkify]

There is no excuse for a man standing a woman up. Even if he doesn't like you, doing that is very selfish and rude. Men know that first impressions are important but not even attempting to be physically present is just wrong. Would you stand up your boss at an important meeting? You might not like him but you'd do it out of respect. A guy who does that is not worth a passing glance. Also think of it as a blessing in disguise. Isn't it better you found out he was a jerk earlier rather than later?

[Grrlish]

I really have no idea how guys minds work (or how they don't work in this case). I get an email from this guy telling me that he has realised he values his freedom, and his social life, and doesn't think he can give me the time I need. Then he goes on to say that we can still hang out, or go on a date, but he no longer wants to pursue a relationship with someone like me. He said he has problems making plans and keeping them, and it's not fair that I hold him accountable for that. He then goes on to say that because he already has some intense feelings for me, he doesn't think it would be a good idea to see eachother again.

 

I don't get it. I never asked him to halt his social life for me, I never denied him any freedom, in fact, he had asked me out for every day last week, 3 of which days I had my own plans. He was asking for all of my time. The only time I ever asked of him was that in which he "promised" me.

 

I replied to him that we obviously have different values and that to me, I value someone who treats their word as their promise, and I can not build a trust with someone who doesn't honor their word.

 

Why is it that it seems so much to ask that someone just follows through on something they say they are going to do? I never asked for anything more. Why is he treating me like I am unreasonable? Wow, this hurts.

 

 

Konfuzd, the guy sounds like he has some problems - beyond commitment issues. Thank your stars you found out now that he's a flake. He's already messing with your head and it would only continue and it would only get worse. That guy directly confirmed that he's a total flake (and added that he shouldn't be accountable for being a total flake!)

 

When I see red flag behavior from a guy, I'm out. Perhaps I'm a little hard core but I've had enough experiences with flakes and game players that when I see flaky behavior or get a glimpse of someone starting to play games, I'm not going to waste my time.

 

At 41, I've gotten pretty good at seeing the signs and not ignoring them them anymore. I've gotten to know of these 'flakes' outside of dating them and I've been relieved to discover how much trouble and heartache I've saved myself by listening to my intuition/gut.

 

If a guy behaves like this and it's not his normal behavior, and he likes you, he will pursue you and will show you that it was a 'fluke'. My current boyfriend did this after he 'erred' early in our relationship - he showed up late for a date because he was chatting online. Since we were not exclusive at the time, it wasn't the chatting online that bothered me, even though I knew that it was with other women (I was still talking to/chatting with other men at the time). It was showing up late for a date because of this activity that bothered me. Not being able quit chatting on the computer in time to be on-time when he was the one that made a big deal about us leaving for a concert on-time told me that he wasn't serious about pursuing an exclusive relationship with me. He pursued me all afternoon until we finally got together and spoke about it.

 

After that, he was sure to be on-time for our dates, every time. Now that we've been dating for a few months, sure, we're both occasionally late for a date. We don't hold each other to the very minute (we don't just show up whenever we feel like it, either). But early-on, during an initial dating phase, if we're interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, we should be showing them that we mean it and why we're worth they're time.

 

Konfuzd, I've gone through a couple of stretches where I just didn't date much at all because I'd meet guys and they'd show signs of being flakes before we even actually went on a first date!

 

Consider it a cycle, girl. It will end eventually.

[konfuzd]

I know that I tend to take things personally when stuff like this happens continuously. I start to wonder what is wrong with me and if it's possible that I'll ever hold any value to anyone. It's pretty rough when you're in such a huge slump. I've been putting myself out there for a really long time, and am getting nowhere.

 

Thank you for the great advice. I do know that I am better off without him, and through all the heartache I've suffered, now is not the time to settle.

[Trialbyfire]

I know that I tend to take things personally when stuff like this happens continuously. I start to wonder what is wrong with me and if it's possible that I'll ever hold any value to anyone. It's pretty rough when you're in such a huge slump. I've been putting myself out there for a really long time, and am getting nowhere.

 

Thank you for the great advice. I do know that I am better off without him, and through all the heartache I've suffered, now is not the time to settle.

In a nutshell. Well said.

[Kittiecat]

A lot of men are just big, overgrown babies who can't deal with anything emotional. He may have really liked you and was scared about being pinned down in a...gasp...relationship. He may have thought you were really hot and was hoping for nothing more than a sexual thing, and when you didn't casually put out like he hoped, he decided it wasn't worth his time. Or he might of met someone else that he's more interested in.

 

It's really hard not to take it personally, I know. And yes, you certainly do not need to settle. Personally I'd rather be single and a little lonely at times that be chained to some unreliable, rude jerk who isn't true to his word.

[amerikajin]

So, I have now been stood up for the fifth time, by the fifth guy this year!!!! What the hell happened to common courtesy?!? I am a rational person, I understand that other things come up, and sometimes you can't keep plans you've made, but what makes it so difficult to pick up a damn phone?

 

I met this guy through a friend, we hit it off right away. Our first date, there was this massive storm, and I told him not to bother coming out because there was mass chaos, but he took 2 1/2 hours to get to my place, and did everything in his power to make a horrendous situation into the best date ever. We went out again the following night, again had a really good time, really hit it off. He asked me out again for friday night which would have been the third night in a row. I already had plans, so I declined.

 

On the first date, he mentioned doing something on Saturday night. We talked about it on Thursday, and on Friday, he sent me an e-mail telling me about how excited he was. To that I replied, "you better catch up on your sleep, because I plan on keeping you out late." Just as a flirty little joke... So, saturday rolls around, and I hear nothing... getting a little worried, by 8:00, when I still hadn't heard anything, I txt him and say, "we still on for tonight?"... his reply, "sorry, I fell asleep, can we do something tomorrow? I'm gonna fall back asleep now". Wow, that really hurt, but fine. So I told him I was going to a Grey Cup party and he could come along, to which he accepted.

 

Sunday comes along, and still, he hasn't called me, so I called him before the party. He had gone and made other plans! What the hell? Why would someone do that??? I guess I'm especially upset, because I've been hearing from all my friends that this guy was so into me that he would not stop talking about me, to the point they were sick of it. If he thought so highly of me, why would he be so rude? ARGGGGG.... I can't figure you guys out for the world!!!!

 

Two things:

 

1. You're dating a-holes.

 

2. You're apparently giving a-holes the impression that there are no consequences for screwing you around (i.e. you seem overly-interested), meaning they're likely to test you.

 

Don't put up with it for a second. The rules are the same for both genders. If they screw you around, kick them to the curb and don't keep giving them chances to screw you a second time.

[konfuzd]

Two things:

 

1. You're dating a-holes.

 

2. You're apparently giving a-holes the impression that there are no consequences for screwing you around (i.e. you seem overly-interested), meaning they're likely to test you.

 

Don't put up with it for a second. The rules are the same for both genders. If they screw you around, kick them to the curb and don't keep giving them chances to screw you a second time.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm really not interested in playing games with people. I was really interested in this guy, and was looking forward to getting to know him better. If he takes that as an invitation to test his boundaries, he is not worth my time. I don't believe in playing hard to get, and sending mixed messages, because I know how it feels from the other side.

 

I just suffered a minor blow to the self esteem, but you are absolutely right, I can not give him another chance to hurt me again. I am better off lonely and expecting to spend a Saturday night alone than wasting my night waiting around for some deadbeat, only to end up dissapointed.

[freckles73]

I was really interested in this guy, and was looking forward to getting to know him better.

 

Well, now you know what he's capable of. And aren't you glad that you aren't messed up with this loser now? You deserve someone who is respectful of your time. He clearly was not.

 

I also had a run-in with a rude jerk who wasted my time:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t105388/

 

Just remember, this is all about his problems, and has nothing to do with you. Don't look back.

[distant__nebulae]

I am better off lonely and expecting to spend a Saturday night alone than wasting my night waiting around for some deadbeat, only to end up dissapointed.

 

If you really believe this, then you are one step ahead of most women your age.

 

I see women settling all the time - a LOT of women have a major fear of being alone. Everyone has a fear of being alone, but do not let this fear manifest itself in a negative way, such as clinging to a guy just because you don't want to be alone.

 

You see, many women have this bad habit. if you spend all of your time with the wrong guys, then you will never meet the right one AND a guy like me would not want you after I have seen you around with a big loser.