Sd4Life Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I come from a family where my mom always was looked down on from my dad because he didn't consider the mom and watching the kids a real job. I always defended her and said she does work and should be respected but i personally don't know if it is harder then being the dad in the traditional relationships. What i hear from girls is that being a mom is hell until the kids get old enough to go to school and then it gets easy. My girlfriend and i may get married soon and i wanted her to work also after our kids went to school so she could help me but from what she says being a mom is tougher then being the dad so i feel guilty about making her work. Can I just get some opinions if i have to work constantly i want to know the person I'm with isn't at home eating bon bons. Keep in mind my girlfriend will have maids. Opinions please? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Well both people have to put into the marriage equally. It can't be one sided because it won't work. There isn't really one is harder then the other unless you make it hard on her then I would understand why she says that you have it easier. IMO it depends on the relationship and how people perceive how rolls should be in a marriage. I don't have children so I don't know if one is harder then the other but like I said if she is left to do most of the work, then she will feel like you have it easier. When I was younger both my parents worked but my mom mostly took care of us because my father worked most of the time. But when he was around he did help out. I don't remember her haven't it harder because I felt that they were both doing things equally. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 I come from a family where my mom always was looked down on from my dad because he didn't consider the mom and watching the kids a real job. I always defended her and said she does work and should be respected but i personally don't know if it is harder then being the dad in the traditional relationships. What i hear from girls is that being a mom is hell until the kids get old enough to go to school and then it gets easy. My girlfriend and i may get married soon and i wanted her to work also after our kids went to school so she could help me but from what she says being a mom is tougher then being the dad so i feel guilty about making her work. Can I just get some opinions if i have to work constantly i want to know the person I'm with isn't at home eating bon bons. Keep in mind my girlfriend will have maids. Opinions please? I don't see why if one partner can indeed pull in enough money that the other does not have to work. Maids, kids, or just a dog at home to care for. I would not care as long as I had the support from the spouse I needed. (pick up the dry cleaning and make sure there is something to eat and beer in the fridge). For some it gives the feeling of accomplishment for others it does not. As long as you can afford the life you want who cares who is bringing in the bucks. In my experience there are many things to do if running a household that has a higher economic status. Someone has to deal with the maids, the gardners, the decorator, vacation plans, dinner parties, the overall social status of the couple that can indeed influence business and income. That can be a fulltime job as well. I guess it would depend on how much you do make and where your status would be. How does she feel about it? Are you able to provide financially for her 100% and live in a lifestyle you are accustomed to without her working? Maybe you could be the one to stay home and eat bon bon's, pick up the dry cleaning and tell the nanny how to change a diaper? Also when the kids get sick which one of you is going to leave work to pick them up and stay home with them during recovery? Or when you have to work late who is going to go to the school play and be the parent? School does not mean their needs for care comes to an abrupt halt. Nor does the house/errands/household needs take care of themselves..... she works more household duties are going to be put on you. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 The mother's job IS the hardest...especially if the dad doesn't help out. Asking her to work outside of the home is not a problem IF you realize that then you need to work INSIDE of the home as much as you expect her to work outside of the home. The dad's job IS the hardest especially if the wife thinks that he goes off to work and has "fun." She needs to compromise a bit when he comes home and let him relax if he needs it. Then he needs to help her. Who has it easier? Both do in different ways. The husband goes off to work and forgets the home. He assumes the mother will take over. The wife assumes the husband will bring in the money...she will take care of the home. What happens is that each thinks that his or hers is the more difficult job. Neither is true...IMHO. To get to the reason you are asking...neither of you must assume the other has it easier. And what we men forget is that women may have you helping, but can they really not still have to WORRY about if everything is taken care of? When they go off to work, will you pitch in and help do laundry, clean dishes, and vacuum the house in the evening when you would rather sit down in front of the TV? And if you do the work, will you do it completely or will your wife need to finish the job when she gets home? While she is at work, will she need to worry if you are going to help when she gets home? I know of a family where the wife goes off to work the third shift, while the husband is working the day shift. She needs to sleep when she gets home. He gets to sleep while she works. In this case, who has it easier? She makes a nice supper, sets the table, and leaves for work. Many if not most of the time..the dishes, food, and milk is still on the table when she gets home. No floors are vacuumed. No laundry is done. He relaxes in front of the TV. The kids do their thing. I am not kidding. Even I was apalled at the behavior of the husband. The worst part is that the kids are in their teens...two girls and a boy. All of them are old enough to have a list of chores to do...even if she was home. She of course also needs to take the initiative with the kids, but her husband has more of the responsibility...IMHO. If this is how you expect your family to be when you send your wife to work, then don't do it. However, I also know of a family where the wife goes to work, while the husband makes the meal, does the dishes, vacuums the floors, does laundry, and puts the children to bed. When she comes home, she has a little work but not much. And these children are all under ten. The husband has begun having them do some of the work...clean rooms, pick up clothes, clean the table. He does have some chores, but he has the children help. That way when the wife is home, the children still know that they need to pitch in and help...as they are all members of the family. So, if you think or want your future wife to go to work, then you need to "cowboy up" and help out. Trust me...this takes some adjusting when the kids arrive. Yes, I know from experience. Every day that my wife goes to work, I have to add some or most of her duties to my list. This may mean that some of my duties got to the back burner, or it may mean that some of my leisure time disappears. I know I fail many times at keeping up, but each time, I try to remind myself that if it was me as the wife/mother, what woud I expect the husband/father to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 The mother's job IS the hardest...especially if the dad doesn't help out. Asking her to work outside of the home is not a problem IF you realize that then you need to work INSIDE of the home as much as you expect her to work outside of the home. The dad's job IS the hardest especially if the wife thinks that he goes off to work and has "fun." She needs to compromise a bit when he comes home and let him relax if he needs it. Then he needs to help her. Who has it easier? Both do in different ways. The husband goes off to work and forgets the home. He assumes the mother will take over. The wife assumes the husband will bring in the money...she will take care of the home. What happens is that each thinks that his or hers is the more difficult job. Neither is true...IMHO. Great post James. Dr. Phil says a mom works the equivalant of two 40 hour per week jobs. I think it depends on which side of the issue you're on. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Well if Dr. Phil says it..... Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 re: Sd4life: "Whats harder being the husband or the wife?" (Smile) Not intendingto be "cute" or insulting in any way, I think it just depends on what kind of husband or wife you're married to. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Not intending to be "cute" or insulting in any way, I think it just depends on what kind of husband or wife you're married to. -Rio Well said. There is ALOT of truth to that one statement. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Well if Dr. Phil says it..... I personally know that I bust my ass being a working mom, but there are other women out there who have it easier. Just like there are some husband's who bust their asses while their wives sit on theirs. It depends on what kind of marriage you're in. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Well if Dr. Phil says it..... Dr. Phil has, on many occasions, paid for a woman to spend a day or weekend away while her spouse stays home to try to take care of children and house. Inevitably the men realize that a mother with children certainly does NOT have time to 'sit on the couch and watch TV all day'. I'm sure those shows have been shown to, and educated, many many men. Link to post Share on other sites
Grrlish Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Whats harder being the husband or the wife? This is one of the weirdest questions I have ever heard. Difficulties, stress, challenges, etc. cycle through everyone's life. As couples, we need to understand that sometimes your life is more stressful than my life. Even as couples, we have our separate stresses (and then throw our 'mutual' stresses on top of those). There are times where my life is out of control, and all I can do is hope that my boyfriend's life is in a level state so that I can lean on him. And I'm grateful when my life is in a level state and he needs to lean on me. Sometimes, we're both totally stressed out...and guess what?...we usually manage to acknowledge this and strive to take care of each other...which is actually 'taking care of us'. Or one of us 'forfeits' the Whiney Throne and takes care of the other, and then we switch. We need to appreciate each other's roles and contributions. If my life feels 'light' this week and my SO's life is overwhelmed, it's not as if I'm going to sit on the couch and say "Hey, good luck with all of that crap, sweetie. And, wow, aren't these bon-bons good!". (BTW, I have a full-time, demanding professional job...I don't ever sit on the couch and eat bon-bons.) Hopefully, you two can explore the options about the future and figure out if you have compatible thoughts about these options. Really, we cannot predict the future. She may HAVE to work once the kids are in school because of financial reasons. Or, down the road, you may like having her at home but she may WANT to work. Or...the possibilities are endless. Again, I would hope that you two could figure out if you have compatible thoughts about the future but leave your options open. "Kids going to school" is a few years down the road, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts