dating

[dolphinna]

I have alot of feeling for this guy I have been dating. its been about 4 months now and I want to tell him but I am scared afraid that he will runaway or not feel the same. is it to soon to tell him or should i wait for him to express his feeling for me. he is so wrapped up in my heart its driving me crazy tring to figure out what to do about it. like in my last one I was sad because he didnt call but he did tonight, and asked if I wanted to come over on thursday maybe if he gets his bike all done before the ride. this so crazy to me its been along time since my heart has wanted to open up to someone. I feel that he is my specail someone I have been waiting for. so I ask do I tell him how I feel or wait. I need your guys imput. I dont want to run him away I would like to keep him forever!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "its been about 4 months now and I want to tell him but I am scared afraid that he will runaway or not feel the same."

 

Don't ever tell a guy something like this. No guy wants to date an insecure person...and no guy wants to feel like he has made somebody feel insecure. It's a downright insult and it doesn't make a guy feel any more loved. That's not where his mind goes when he hears stuff like this. He basically thinks "what in the world have I got myself into?"

 

Hey, listen up. No matter who you ever fall in love with...even become friends with...or work with...or see at the park...or whatever...ANY PERSON YOU KNOW can leave your life overnight for any one of a thousand reasons. People are unpredictable and not to be controlled. It's just a fact of life and get used to it.

 

People who have been married for 20 or 30 years terminate those marriages...and when there's no children, they often never even talk again. That's just the way it is.

 

Your objective should be to have the very best quality relationships with men, with friends, with parents and relatives or with whomever that you can while they last. Even when you go to the store and buy something...make your relationship with the cashier the very best you can for the less than 30 seconds it takes to pay for what you want. Smile and make that moment a quality moment.

 

If you do the very best you can to be yourself, be honest, and make your current relationship the best it can be...and you don't slack off...if it does end you can know you did your very best.

 

Trying to control the feelings of another...or guilt manipulate them in some way as your post suggests you want to try to do...is not the way healthy relationships are conducted. Telling this guy you're afraid he's going to bolt just so you can hear some sweet words from him saying "Oh, dear, I will be with you forever" is just a bunch of bunk. Until he tells you that because he feels it...and NOT because he needs to make you feel more secure, those words will be totally meaningless.

 

Relationships are meant to make us feel good and secure. If you feel all that insecure in the one you're in now, maybe you ought to terminate it. Real love doesn't imprison the other person or hold the other person emotional hostage. Real love, real concern for another human being, is engendered by a sense of openness and freedom...of wanting the best for the other person.

 

The greatest relationships in the universe are the ones where each partner is absolutely free to move on at anytime. The more freedom people feel, the more likely they are to remain together.

 

Telling a guy you're afraid that he will "runaway and not feel the same" is almost a death sentence for the relationship. That's not part of the nomenclature of a sound, healthy dating experience. The fact is...you are very right...feelings can and do change. But what you are considering telling him will make those feelings change a lot faster, I promise you. Why would somebody want to remain with somebody else because they feel sorry for them because they're insecure? And why would you want that anyway?

 

Be positive, be happy, enjoy his company and savor every moment. Otherwise, you're going to miss this whole party!

[velvet]

Your worrying yourself and making things harder which will eventually come out in the open and scare your man off.

 

He called! Great! Relax and have fun with it. Your in control over your emotions not him. You need to definitely cool down before it blows.

 

Take a few days away from him, dont talk to him for a while, regroup and pull it together. That is just the way of it. Let him wonder where your at and when your going to call.

[clia]

Do not, do not, I repeat, do not tell him how you feel.

 

Let him bring it up first.

 

Don't let yourself get so wrapped up in this. It's only been four months. You presumably had a life and other interests four months ago, before you met him. Start doing those things again. It is crazy for you to get so wrapped up in him after such short of a time.

 

Go shopping. (Shoes are on sale!)

 

Go to the gym.

 

Go out with your friends.

 

Get your life back.

 

If you don't have a life of your own, it will be much too easy to start to feel needy, etc. toward this guy. Guys don't like that. You will be much more attractive to him if he feels like you don't need him to entertain you all the time.

 

I know how you feel, been there, done that. Trust me, don't be so needy. Have your own life. Step back and wait for him to bring this stuff up. Guys like to bring this stuff up on their own, not to be manipulated into it because gals feel needy. Trust me. Been there, done that, screwed it all up. Don't make that mistake.

[C]

It sounds like guys only fall in love with those who doesn't love them. What happens when he finds out finally - the game is over and there's no fun. Loving somebody who loves you is not fun. And sure we don't own anybody, even when we promise to love and cherish one another until death do us part. Then what's the meaning of marriage? Only while the fun lasts?

When we love we ARE afraid to lose the loved one, and we NEED him to love us back, and it is healthy, because it is natural and the only possible way to love.

[dolphinna]

Originally posted by clia

Do not, do not, I repeat, do not tell him how you feel.

 

Let him bring it up first.

 

Don't let yourself get so wrapped up in this. It's only been four months. You presumably had a life and other interests four months ago, before you met him. Start doing those things again. It is crazy for you to get so wrapped up in him after such short of a time.

 

Go shopping. (Shoes are on sale!)

 

Go to the gym.

 

Go out with your friends.

 

Get your life back.

 

If you don't have a life of your own, it will be much too easy to start to feel needy, etc. toward this guy. Guys don't like that. You will be much more attractive to him if he feels like you don't need him to entertain you all the time.

 

I know how you feel, been there, done that. Trust me, don't be so needy. Have your own life. Step back and wait for him to bring this stuff up. Guys like to bring this stuff up on their own, not to be manipulated into it because gals feel needy. Trust me. Been there, done that, screwed it all up. Don't make that mistake.

[dolphinna]

I am taking your advice on this, but how do I control the feelings? I have a life I work two jobs and I have alot of things going on in my life, but he is always on my mind do I just show him how I feel when ever I see him or talk to him or do I just play it cool like theres nothing which is so hard. like for instant he got his harley fixed and he was going on a ride for the whole weekend I was disappointed but I didnt let him know it I told him that I pray for good weather for him and to have lots of fun. but the whole time I was wishing that we could do something together. It has been so long since I've had anyone touch my heart or even let anyone in for two years. I have been badly hurt in the past and so has he and I guess that where all my insecurety set in because he has reached my heart and I never thought I would have feeling like this again even after 4 months.

I thank you for your good advice and I am staying with it. I just wish that it didnt have to be so hard.

[clia]

Of course it's hard! And I know the feeling of not being able to get a guy out of my head. You can think about him all you want. Just don't tell him about all of your thoughts!

 

Just play it cool. Let him have his space. Guys fall in love when they are away from us. It gives them time to think about how great we are! When you see him, be super sweet and fun and receptive and look pretty. He will always want to be around you if you are like this because you make him feel good.

 

Of course you feel disappointed that your bf will be gone riding his Harley all weekend. But you did the right thing by not complaining. (It will only make him want to see you more when he gets back!) The minute you start complaining is the minute he starts to feel pressured and bothered. You don't want to do that! Make sure you do some fun stuff so you can tell him all about the great weekend YOU had, too!