Do you think he is having 2nd thoughts?

[Stillwaitingfor]

My bf and I have been together 5 years. I can relate to all those women whose friends/family all get married/engaged while they are still waiting for a proposal. My bf and I live together- four years ago he bought a house and invited me to move in and I"ve been here ever since. We've talked about getting engaged over the years and he's bought a ring before (made him take it back) and ever since we moved in together he has kept saying he wants to get married "in a few years". Now he is saying he wants to get married before next fall. He bought a ring two months ago and he told his family he was going to propose to me before thanksgiving. Well here we are three days before thanksgiving and it hasn't happened yet.

 

On saturday night I was sure he was going to propose because we have a jacuzzi tub in one of our bathrooms and my bf told me that when he got home from work he thought it would be fun to take a bubble bath with candles. (he told me this before he left for work) well this is something we hardly ever do- maybe on our anniversary and last new years eve so I started to suspect that something was up. So it was so romantic, all the bubbles and candles and he was being very sweet and we had sex afterwards and it was late (around midnight) and he was tired. We watched tv for a bit and then I went to bed around 1am. I normally don't stay up that late. Well he stayed up and watched tv as he normally does and I was somewhat disapointed because I was wrong about him proposing.

 

Yesterday (sunday) I was annoyed with him because he'd said that he was going to propose by thanksgiving and he hasn't made any move to do so. He has a history of buying a ring, telling me he's going to give it to me in the near future and doing nothing. (he did this once before) I've sat here while five of my friends have gotten engaged after dating their bfs for a lot less time than I"ve dated mine, my sister is getting married this spring, my cousin just got married last summer etc. So I am getting very impatient (although I'm not making this known to him) I;ve had it in my head that even though I love my bf and want to marry him I'll be 29 soon and getting too old to wait aroudn for someone. Getting married isn't my life goal but it would be nice. So though I haven't told my bf, my plan is if he doesn't propose to me by thanksgiving day (and I told him I'd prefer he not propose in front of others- like he did with his last fiance (he was engaged about eight years ago) that I wanted a proposal to be private and just between the two of us) so its not like he could propose on thanksgiving day. So my plan is that I was going to buy this house ( a relative passed away and my family is selling their house cheap) and either fix it up and resell it or if my bf didn't take the next step I woudl leave him and go live in this house.

 

He knew I was intersted in buying this house to resell and didn't like the idea but was ok with it as its my money. He didn't know my plan to leave him if he didnt' propose. So on sunday I am very moody, very upset because I thought i'd misread the situation saturday night and was so disapointed. I was being very quiet and he kept askign what was wrong. I'd tell him nothing and that I was just stressed out about thinking about buying that other house he said look I don't want to argue especially TODAY. So I took that as another hint he was planning to propose later that day. Needless to say that didn't happen. he started a huge fight later that day- that he blamed on me and was saying he doens't think I want to be with him and that I keep yo -yoing with my feelings going back and forth about whether I want to be with him (which is the same way I feel about HIM) and that me mentioning buying that house made him think I am going to leave him and I confessed that yes I am going to leave him if he didn't meet my personal deadline of thanksgiving.

'

He said that he had been planning to propose to me three times this month- he had plans to on saturday night as I had thought but he said he was too tired and it was too late and I went to bed. My response was that he had plenty of time before I went to bed. He also said last week he was going to do it but his brother in law's father died (which we didnt' find out about until about 6pm sunday night so he had plenty of time before that) and anotehr time he was planning it but siad he wanted it to be special and he didn't have any flowers or music to play? Well on saturday ngiht he didnt/ have flowers either so what is the difference?? I am so sick of waiting because half the time I feel he does not want the same thing I do. I have asked him and he assures me he does but his actions just tell me he is stalling. Do you think he is serious about this or is he just dragging his feet? I am sticking to what I said, although it will be difficult if he does not propose by this weekend I am moving on and leaving him.

[Guest]

I would say maybe he is afraid of something or just feels you are not the right person. Maybe he is not interested in getting married and has cold feet.

[norajane]

I'm sorry, but he was going to propose to you three times this month and the timing didn't work out? That's a cop out. Saturday night in the jacuzzi, plus sex...he had plenty of time to propose. You went to sleep after you had sex, AND after watching some TV at 1am. What was he waiting for? He wanted to propose at 3am or something? He just chickened out.

 

You have a couple of options. YOU can propose to him, and see if he agrees or if he hedges. You can wait it out until your deadline this week and see if he proposes.

 

If not, I think you're right to leave him. Make sure you're very clear with him about it, though. Tell him you love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and you are leaving ONLY because he has not proposed. Tell him that he is giving you the impression he doesn not want to be married to you, and if that's true, then you have to move on.

[IpAncA]

Well I don't know what's going on thru his head. He could just be chickening out, unsure, etc... Don't know.

 

I do think that if you want to marry him then maybe you need to come out and tell him that you want to but if he doesn't then he needs to tell you so you can find someone who does.

[Stillwaitingfor]

Well I don't know what's going on thru his head. He could just be chickening out, unsure, etc... Don't know.

 

I do think that if you want to marry him then maybe you need to come out and tell him that you want to but if he doesn't then he needs to tell you so you can find someone who does.

 

 

I have told him that I want to get married (or at least engaged for now) and he says he wants the same thing. He says he would not have gone out and bought a ring if he didn't feelt the same about me. I think that he fears that I expect the proposal to be perfect. I don't but I would like him to put a little effort into it. He did this big thing with his ex fiance (years ago) so I expect at least a little suprise. But that is beside the point, the point is I'm tired of waiting, feel like he is just full of excuses. And if he doesn't take action by this weekend as hard as it will be, I am leaving him. And if he proposes after I leave him, well its too late, I'm not into forcing someone to marry me. This was HIS deadline (he told his family he was going to propose before thanksgiving) not mine, so he should stick to it or I"m gone. THat probably sounds harsh but that is what being with someone for five years and not being sure they want to move forward with you does to a person.

[IpAncA]

Well he has today and tomorrow to do it. What did he say when you said that you were going to leave him?

[Stillwaitingfor]

Well I gave my bf until the weekend to make up his mind. I didn't want him to propose on thanksgiving because we were going to see my parents and I want his proposal to be a private thing. I should say we had a great time at my parents' and on friday he "tried" to propose I guess. I was very hurt and disapointed because for weeks he's talked about how he "has something planned" and that was his excuse for not proposing because things kept coming up. Well this is how it went.

 

He came in the house from working outside, about an hour before he had to go to work. I was watching reruns of ANTM and he sat down on the couch beside me. We'd had a good day so far and he'd been really nice to me all morning. Well he sits down next to me and says after about ten minutes of sitting there. "well do you you still want to get engaged?" I was thinking duh thats why I set the deadline to make up your mind one way or another. I said of course just thinking it was casual conversation and he pulls the ring box out of his pocket and sort of lays/tosses it on my leg. It took me a second to realize what he was doing and then I got VERy angry and started crying.

 

I was so disapointed because he had said so many times that the reason he hadnt' proposed was because he had something nice planned and the plans always got messed up (someone died, we had an argument, he got home too late from work, I didnt' stay up late enough blah blah blah) so I was expecting a sweet or romantic proposal. Just "hey u still want to get engaged" really upset me because I felt he had been lying about having something planned and was only doing this because I'd set a deadline.

 

I'm not one of those women who expect some spectacular proposal- I've actually been engaged once before and my ex proposed in a sweet way. It was our anniversary and he took me to where we had our first date and gave me the ring and I had no idea he even wanted to get engaged before that point!! But this time I just felt like my bf had put NO effort into it because it wasn't what he wanted to do. We got into a HUGE fight because he felt I was being selfish and he kept asking well tell me what exactly you want me to do and I'll do it!

 

Like I"m supposed to come up with the idea for the proposal. When I look back on it I'm ashamed of the bratty way I acted but after hearing for weeks about his "big plans" it was such a disapointment and I felt like he was being forced to do it. He said he wanted to give me the ring that day because my sister was coming in that night to visit so she could see the ring (she lives 7 hours away) which in hind sight was a good idea. So basically after the fight I told him he had till sunday to "do it right".

 

Well saturday night unexpectedly one of my friends stayed the night with us. So my bf couldn't really propose privately that night. ON sunday we went to a birthday party for one of my family members and my bf (didnt' tell me this till afterwards) didn't want to go. He was moody all day but kept asking why I was mad at HIM? which I wasn't at all. so we are at home and we have sex and he is all "I love you" and sweet to me afterwards and meanwhile I'm thinking this is probably the last time we'll have sex or take a shower together etc, and mentally I'm planning on how I"m going to pack my stuff. This is because its already around 6pm and he's done nothing and I'm getting upset because I want him to just tell me "look I dont' want to be with you" so I can move on or something (the deadline was sunday night and it was already 6pm) so he asks what is wrong and I tell him that I don't think he thinks I'm serious about the deadline and he says well he had stuff planned but I made him go to the birthday party so that ruined his plans. (just another excuse, in my oppinion)

 

So I ask what he had planned and he said taking me out to eat and then back home for a romantic bubble bath. I said well we aren't hungry so why didn't he just plan the bubble bath and he says no and blames me that I won't think its good enough. He then yells at me because I let our friend stay over the night before and that he had planned something then. I told him well he didn't have plans to go out to eat the night before because he doesn't get home till 10pm and everything would have been closed.

 

We get into another huge fight and he says well I am leaving him anyways

because he didn't make my deadline (its only 6pm- he had six more hours) and he starts throwing his stuff around and taking ALL of his stuff out of our bedroom and moving it into the spare bedroom. In the five years of being with him I've never seen his this angry. He starts yelling that I only gave him this deadline because I WANTED to leave him and that he hopes I'm happy without him. He tells me to get out of HIS house and keeps yelling at me about how this is all MY fault. It felt like he was doing this just so I would feel guilty. But I didn't because HE is the one who told his family and friends he was going to propose to me by thanksgiving- so in reality it was HIS deadline. He kept making excuses about how he dind't have time because he had work to do around the house or something and I said excuse me proposing to me should be a little more important than cleanign the house!!!

 

So we argued and he continued to yell about various things. Then he broke down and started crying (something I've NEVER seen him do except once when we were first dating and I got upset with him) and talking about how he's better off dead because I don't want him and he'll never have a family and that everyone leaves him. he started talking about his friends who had died and how they were so lucky they didn't have to be alive and stuff like that. It scared me. It was like he had a mental break down. he talked about how everyone expects so much of him and he is not the same person he used to be. He kept saying "something inside of me is just missing" and he alternated from being very angry and lashing out (verbally) to crying and being very depressed.

 

He talked about everything- it was like a dam had broken. He talked about how he hates his job and how his family stresses him out and how he feels like he cant handle all the stress. He was like this for about three hours. I've never seen anything like his behavior- he acted so childlike- his temper tantrums, when he yelled he even talked in a whiny baby voice- it was like arguing with a 5 year old!! It really, really scared me, I wasn't scared for my safety but for his!

 

He appologized later that night and took all of his stuff back to that room. He said that when I told him I was leaving, he just freaked out and everything that had been bothering him the last few months (work related and family) just all came out. He said he's never been that emotional before (he keeps things bottled up) and that his feelings scared him. He said he doesn't want me to leave him. I am so torn, I want to stick to my deadline, but I feel that he must really care for me after he broke down like that.

 

Otherwise if he didn't want to be with me, wouldn't he just be distant and quiet while I prepared to leave. Why would he have such an emotional breakdown? was it an act? and if so what did he expect to accomplish? I'm unsure of what to do. part of me wants to leave because after all I did set a deadline and my bf didn't meet it. Part of me feels he is throwing his own obstacles in the road and blaming them on me so he doenst have to go through with this. but part of me just thinks he is overwhelmed by stress and I'm making it worse by being so demanding. Anyone have any thoughts?

[norajane]

You love this man enough to marry him...you know him best.

 

Your bf's breakdown sounds genuine to me. He has been bottling up all that stuff, and it makes sense that the thought of you leaving triggered the storm. That's why some guys die from heart attacks so young - they repress the stress and internalize it.

 

The whole proposal thing likely added to his stress. He was paralyzed, incapable of acting. Not because he doesn't want to be with you, but because he's unhappy with his life - probably depressed - and feels like he can't take the marriage step now on top of everything else.

 

Men need to feel like they've got their lives under control before they add marriage to it. Your guy sounds like he doesn't feel he has anything under control right now.

 

You could see this as a breakthrough in your relationship - finally, he's being real with you!! And you might stay to help him through it. He is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, right? So if he's hurting, you want to help him.

 

Or, you could see this as too little, too late. You love him, but can't be with someone who needs to be pushed between a rock and a hard place before he'll talk to you about what's going on with him.

 

How do you see it?