Considering 2nd Chance. Can They change?

[LegalEyz]

I met with my husband yesterday and have been communicating almost every day for the past week. (We've been separated almost 2 months total) He wants me back. He wants to change his ways. He wants to go to counselling and change for himself and for us. He says he doesn't want to lose me and he realizes where he went wrong. In the past week or so he has been communicating like he's never communicated before and he seems to see things the way the REALLY are and he wants to change.

 

My question is this, can they change? We love each other and I want more than anything to believe. I'm just tired of huring and I'm afraid that it will happen over again.

 

Any words of wisdom???

[amaysngrace]

It's completely your choice to take him back or not. I've heard people can change ONLY if they want to. He has to want it for himself though.

 

A lot of times people change due to a drastic change in their circumstances. This could be a wake-up call for him because his marriage is now in jeopardy.

 

I can't tell you what to do. After I left my exH, he decided to get help. We even did the marriage counseling. But I think there was too much water under the bridge in my mind, and I was completely looking forward to a life without him by that point.

 

So, to answer your question, YES people can change. They can also talk a good game to get what they desire as well. Only you know him and where his heart is at. Do you find him to be sincere? Is he putting a time limit on the day you two are to be united? Has he made promises to change in the past and never followed through?

 

Only you can tell where his head is at and if you're willing to trust that his words will be placed into action.

[LegalEyz]

Thank you so much for your response. He probably seems more sincere than he ever has in our whole relationship. He has made "promises" but we both knew they were empty because we continued in our regular life and didn't change anything. He now has hit rock bottom and has never been there before because I never let him get there. I've cut myself off from him in everyway possible, until now. I feel his is sincere, I hear him talk like I never knew he could. He hasn't put any time limits on anything and he says he doesn't want to pressure me and any decision I make he respects it. He says he wants to change for himself because he finally sees all the faults that I've been trying to make him see for years. He's hurting from it all and he wants to change.

 

I'm so confused because my heart is still in this relationship, it's my damaged mind that is struggling.

 

Thanks again.

[amaysngrace]

I would say to follow your heart but proceed with caution.

 

You know what you feel. He sounds as if he is giving you the proper respect here, and is taking your needs into consideration while tending to his own.

 

If it feels right, go with it. If it starts to get a little uncomfortable, let him know and hopefully the two of you can come to a resolution.

 

It sounds like you two really have a good chance at making this marriage work. You both have a common goal. And you're both on the same page. But marriage is work. As long as you are both willing to work for it, then you have as good a shot as any to have a happy life together.

 

I hope that it works out for you both.

[PWSX3]

He says he wants to change for himself because he finally sees all the faults that I've been trying to make him see for years.

I don't want to sound like a smart a$$ but it sounds like you are saying it's all his fault and none of it is yours.

 

Why I ask is that is how I kind of feel with my W, that she thinks it's all my fault but more I learn about myself the more I see that isn't true.

 

Sure he has to work on himself and if there are issues that are his then he should work on them, but maybe you are like me and my W, I feel we ping-pong off each other. She does something that es me off so I do something that ed her off instead of working together or talking things out.

 

There is also the chance which I am learning that there are things that you just don't know you are doing wrong, you have to remember guys and gals see and think a lot different.

 

I read a great story about a guy and dating and she said something about they had been dating for 3 months and she was wondering if he loved her and he started thinking about wow it's been three months I need to get the oil changed in my car. Anyway the story goes on how she thinks they aren't getting a long and he thinks about his vehicle.

 

Anyway if he is welling to give you time to show you he is changing and you really feel it's from the heart then why not give it a try....

[LegalEyz]

Thank you so much for your reply. I know it sounds as if it is all his fault, and in my eyes, it is. I have been as supportive of his bad habits, inability to listen to logic, setting aside of my feelings and opinions, etc etc. for almost 10 years. I stuck by him through thick and thin until recently I woke up and realized that love is a 2 ways street. Why am I constantly there for him or to support him, and he isn't there for me? Why is it his way all the time, and not mine? Why can he do drugs against my Will and I have to accept it? I had had enough and in the past few months, his will and drive have diminished and his attitude got real rotten. It is my fault in that I allowed him to treat me this way and allowed him to continue his negative, abuse behavior.

 

However, my feelings for him never diminished. I'm attracted to him in every way, even more so since I see this beautiful person that is errupting from what was once such an ugly being.

 

I'm just so afraid of going back to the same ole. I am 37 years old and I don't want to be starting over at 47 ... However, I do love this man and for some strange reason, I believe in him. I'm just scared of being a fool one more time.

 

He is willing to give me as much time as I need, but our house closing in 3 weeks away and he wants us to move together. I'm just scared.

 

I'm sorry to make anyone feel that I'm blaming him because he's a MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!.. LOL But if the shoe fits, wear it .

 

Thanks again

[justagirlforever]

In my opinion - leopards do not change their spots. Fundamentally never.

That said, there are some exceptions. But the path of change is a long one and doesn't happen overnight.

 

He needs to put his money where his mouth is.

Action speak louder than words.

 

He needs to start councelling on his own. And at some point down the line, involve you in it if you are still willing to give him a chance and see if things could work again.

 

You believe him because you *want* to believe him. Love IS a two way street. Don't deny yourself what you deserve. Nothing is ever perfect, but where there is no balance for you (or either party), you must ask yourself why. Are you willing to put up with it just because you're scared to start over again? Perhaps because it's a case of "better the devil you know"?

 

Think carefully and ask yourself if your fundamental needs in this relationship is being met.

[lisapizza]

You have to know that if he wants you back so badly he might be doing this to make you believe he has changed. Definatley he has to do it for him not you.

Please read my story (22 year marriage unsalvigable..) I took him back after the 1st go round and the second cheating mishap was just beyond words. I have been trying to recover from it for 7 yrs and just realized I can't and won't do it anymore.

 

Sure, he promised me everything under the sun, but after a few counseling visits, with different counselors it went to the wayside. Then it was the counselors fault because they didn't treat him right, etc. Now he's trying to go to church more, always be home early, etc... to make me believe in him again. Unfortunately it's too late...we have kids and I have shut down to everything he does and they can see it.

 

I am not saying your h/ has not changed, just know that YOU want to change him as bad as he might be trying to make you believe he has changed. Sometimes that clouds your vision of the truth...

[Gunny376]

Well in the end, what it all comes down to is like Steve told Hellen ~ "There's just no telling?!" and if you go back into it, seeking advice from us here on LS, is like trying to run the day to day war in Iraq from behind a desk in Washington ~ they're not the ones that on the ground having to deal with the bullets coming down range.

 

Can people change? Absolutely! After my divorce I've spent all these years searching for and researching, reading about interpesonal relationships, dating and mating, romance, seducation, just about anything I could I could get my hands on. Still do to this day. And, when I get back inot another LTR relationship I plan to continue doing so.

 

My motivation for doing that was because my divorce was so mentally, emotionally, and financially devasting that I am only now getting back to where I was sixteen years ago. I could have long ago been there and in that I was my own worse enemy, went through another LTR re-bound relationship, yada~ yada.

 

You didn't say what kind of drugs he's doing ~ if its anything more than marjuana you and I virtually don't have a snowball's chance in Hell ~ especially if its meth and or cocaine. Not that people can't and don't get off the stuff, but for most it requires repeated attempts and years! Hell, I'm been trying to quit smoking ~ and so far its pretty been like Mark Twain said ~ "Quiting smoking is easy! I've done it thousands of times!" I don't do drugs (btw ~ the best reason not to start something is because you might like it!), but from what I've seen ~ I don't want any part of it! I've heard you can get addicted to meth the first time you try it! (Opraha)

 

Whatever you do ~ don't move in with this guy! That's a sure ticket to Hell. You're not ready for that. You've got to gift yourself the gift of getting well, and he's got to do the same thing. And, as I said previously, he's got to work his way back to you and earn his way back into the marriage slowly (walking thorugh a mine field slow) and into your life. And again that's a straight and narrow path, and probally a long one.

[Due South]

How about moving out to separate places (close by) and take it from there. Actions speak louder than words and if he means it you will continue to see positive changes until the day comes where he has "won you back".

 

If you still have your heart invested but wary, it could be a good place to start.

 

x

[LegalEyz]

I am hearing everything you all are saying and a part of me is right there with ya. The other part is struggling big time because I am watching what I thought was a man in total control of himself and his situation fall to pieces. The drugs he uses is occassional cocaine and marijuana. Figure he quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey 10 months ago but hasn't kicked these 2 habits which I HATE. He is a good person with a big heart and I am believing in him more now than I ever have. I just can't come to terms with beating a horse when its down (?? now sure if that's the saying) but I'm sure ya'll know what I mean.

 

Why can't I just let by gones be by gones and keep going on the way I have been for the past 2 months ??? I know I am feeling sorry for him right now but I truly believe in him and I feel like as azz just speaking those words. What is wrong with me??? Can I be that nieve and stupid to think that love can conquer all???

 

Ok, broken record here ...

[amaysngrace]

As a woman who packed up and left an abuser, I can completely relate to what you're going through.

 

It's scary to not know what the future holds. While your marriage may be less than satisfying, draining in fact, it is familiar to you. And you take comfort in that familiarity.

 

You, like me, are the glue that has held it together for all these years. This goes without question.

 

But...you have a responsibility to yourself first. You have needs too. Maybe you've forgotten them because you are so use to having to meet his needs, as he seems like a very needy person. You have a right, an obligation to yourself even, to live peacefully. If life with him is chaotic and is draining you dry, then it is your job to change the situation.

 

Only YOU can change your life.

 

But I know it's scary to face change. Part of you wants to help him because it's the role you're comfortable with, but there is a trade-off, and it's YOU who will be compromised in all of this if he fails to change.

 

Before I asked you about a time limitation. You stated he is giving you all the time you need. It seems to me this is untrue. He is pushing you to move in with him in three weeks. Or to consider it at the very least.

 

This is completely wrong of him. Your mind should be clear to see things for yourself. His demand of this is keeping you from thinking things through. It's a factor in your decision, and it's playing on your mind.

 

You need to question yourself honestly right now: what if he doesn't change? Am I going to be okay with life as it's been? Or, after being without him for these past few months, am I better off?

 

Only you know the answer...

[Gunny376]

Only YOU can change your life.

 

Says it all!

[LegalEyz]

Just to clarify, he isn't pressuring me about the 3 weeks to move together. I am pressuring myself because I want to give this another shot and financially we are not in the best position to live in 2 separate places. I am just so confused and discouraged by what I am feeling and what I am hearing. I am making myself nuts.

 

Thank you all again for your time, words and patience.

[amaysngrace]

Take a minute and just be. Shut off the computer, turn off your phone and just reflect.

 

You have a lot on your plate. You need to digest.

 

Just do what you feel is best for you. If you aren't quite sure what that is, give it time, and you'll figure it out.

 

Oh yeah...remember to breathe...

[LegalEyz]

Ok, I think I've made a decision. I told my H that these 3 weeks that we have until we sell the house, I am staying where I am and he is staying where he is. In this period, he has agreed to go for help, find a good job and listen more. If I don't see any progress for him in these 3 weeks, he will be on his own, but in the meantime I am continuing this time apart so we can be sure it is right. How does this sound???

DUMB??????????????????????

[amaysngrace]

Ok, I think I've made a decision. I told my H that these 3 weeks that we have until we sell the house, I am staying where I am and he is staying where he is. In this period, he has agreed to go for help, find a good job and listen more. If I don't see any progress for him in these 3 weeks, he will be on his own, but in the meantime I am continuing this time apart so we can be sure it is right. How does this sound???

DUMB??????????????????????

 

 

No, it doesn't sound dumb at all. It sounds like you have made some demands, which you should do for yourself. Life before was unacceptable, and something has to give. So you've set boundaries and made up your mind on what needs to happen in order for you to be with him.

 

I think it sounds very responsible of you, actually.

 

Just take it a day at a time and remember to keep your eyes open. You are your number one priority. Hopefully he'll step up, but be prepared to step out if he leaves you feeling down. Trust your instinct, and you'll be just fine.

[LegalEyz]

I am so thankful that someone understands me. I feel that my family/friends don't understand the feelings involved and the desire to make things work. I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel 100% at this point, but the boundaries are there and if they get stepped on, he is out and I told him that. Now I'm dealing with my family who I feel I let down by considering this. I know they care and want happiness for me, but I'm not happy this way either.

 

Thank you amazn.. You are amanz.

 

Happy Thanksgiving all.

[Gunny376]

I agree with Amazin" as well ~ although I question the three week time limit, as I personally don't believe that's enough time for him to make the permanent long term changes that he needs to make in order to "earn" his way back into the marriage ~ as well as it not being sufficent time for you to observe that the changes that are needed are concrete and chisled into stone.

 

I'd be letting him know ~ that you're serious!

 

He'll probally back-slide a little, changing life time behavior patterns isn't easy. I may be tolerant of "little" back-slides, but in his mind he wouldn't know that. Absolutely any major back-slides.

 

Your family will come around ~ if indeed he makes the necessary permanent changes. They love you and want you to be happy.

[dr strangelove]

Are you willing to?

[FlyingHigh]

Hey LE,

 

Your feelings of being stuck between a rock and a hard place is understandable. Your mind is telling you to maybe cut your losses and move on because you don't want to wake up 10 years later at 47 to the same struggle of "mothering" for a lack of better word to your husband's drug addiction while your love for him is keeping you with the hope that he can finally change and turn his life around for the sake of your marriage.

 

I'm just so afraid of going back to the same ole. I am 37 years old and I don't want to be starting over at 47 ... However, I do love this man and for some strange reason, I believe in him. I'm just scared of being a fool one more time.

The question is, was he already addicted to drugs before you two got married? If so, did you think he would or could change once you two got married? And did you think YOU could have changed him by helping steer him away from drugs? If you answered "yes" to all, then you went into the mariage with the wrong intentions even if you love him with your heart.

 

The other part is struggling big time because I am watching what I thought was a man in total control of himself and his situation fall to pieces.

Expect and accept that this is what drugs do to those who choose to take them. Drugs control their well-being. They become psychotically dependent on them in order to function daily. If he is an "occasional" user, he may have a better chance of beating it despite the addiction. If he is a daily or frequent user meaning he needs, relies and depends on them to get by, he will need ONGOING rehabilitation help. Think Nicole Kidman's husband, Keith Urban or an alcoholic.

 

As Gunny said, three weeks is not enough to determine if he's capable of quitting. The issue you should be looking at is his behavior, attempts and efforts in regaining and earning your trust.

 

If this is his first attempt in wanting to change his ways, then he, like any human on this planet, deserves a second chance. BUT, if this is his second, third and fourth promise to change his ways, then his PAST behavior is a good predictor of FUTURE behaviors which you really and should consider seriously. In this case, follow your head.

 

He is willing to give me as much time as I need, but our house closing in 3 weeks away and he wants us to move together. I'm just scared.

Part of the covenant of marriage is growing and learning together in good times and bad. Part of your responsibility to each other IS to help each other out in good times and bad. Addiction to drugs is a serious crap as much as anyone marrying an alcoholic. In other words, marriage is NOT all about a house, a white picket fence, kids and a dog. Unless I missed it in your posts that your husband has physically abused you, then by all means, you have every right to leave him.

 

But if the situation were reversed, assuming you were addicted to painkillers after an auto accident (Lord forbids that it doesn't happen) which made you an intolerable person to live with because of the drugs' side effects, how would you like your husband to help you? Would you feel sided, rejected and somewhat unloved if he told you that you've got 3 weeks to kick the habit or else? Would you feel his love a conditional one as opposed to an unconditional love? Just think about it.

 

Let's take this one step further. If you were to seek help as your husband is attempting to do to clean up, expect that YOU WILL have relapse. It's called "withdrawal". The chemistry in your body and brain wants to be fed with the drugs. This is essentially what your husband will go through. It's part of the process of cleaning his body. It doesn't and will NOT happen in the three weeks you gave as his deadline to shape up. HIS BODY just won't!

 

Rather than looking at your marriage and his ability to shape up in three weeks, BECOME a "friend" instead. Do and treat him as if he were your "best friend" who needs help. Would you give your best friend a 3 week deadline to shape up or else you won't be their friend?

 

Think about it....

[anna13]

I am so thankful that someone understands me. I feel that my family/friends don't understand the feelings involved and the desire to make things work. I don't think I'm ready to throw in the towel 100% at this point, but the boundaries are there and if they get stepped on, he is out and I told him that. Now I'm dealing with my family who I feel I let down by considering this. I know they care and want happiness for me, but I'm not happy this way either.

 

Thank you amazn.. You are amanz.

 

Happy Thanksgiving all.

well our friends and love ones hear about all the problems and none of the good memories you have and that isnt unusual but of course they arent going to see thing how you are seeing things. drugs is a hard thing to conquer . I have lost friends over the years because they have done that and they all became such different people that I just couldnt call them friends anymore. If your husband is admitting his problem and taking steps to resolve his problem such as drug counceling or what not it is a good sign. of course it is not easy at all. but I know that no matter what this is up to you and your own gut feeling. your demands ( the 3 week thing) that is good to have that there for your mind to focus. you really sound like you want to stay with him. I think it is worth trying . I agree with one of the above posts , dont move back in together right away , be sure that he is completely clean and trustworthy . I know it is scary try to work things out , to not know if it will and to wonder about how much more of your life you will use up for a lost cause. but dont think of it that way . financial burden is hard. that is a big hurdle. you could posibly move back in together but that is taking a huge leap of faith . I would just say that if you are considering moving back with him , have money of your own on the side in case you have to move out or stay somewhere else. jsut for your own good. It sounds like you really Love this man and if he really Loves you too then I think it is worth trying to save the relationship.

[LegalEyz]

[FONT=Arial]I agree with all of you. I don't believe that three weeks is a fair time limit to put on someone to make life long changes. The three week time is for him to prove to me that he is serious about the things he has been saying to me. I want actions rather than words. I could go home now and sit next to him and wait for changes, but I want the time apart to give him the time to get himself together and start showing me what he is going to do about the problems in our marriage. (i.e. counselling, job, communication, listening skills)

 

 

 

Yes, I did know that he used drugs going into the marriage. I did not know much, but I did know that he smoked marijuana which I was not too happy with. I did believe in my own silly mind that "LOVE" would conquer all. (DUMB DUMB) I know better now. This is not his first attempt at help for his addiction. He did complete an outpatient rehab program which was a great time in our marriage. He was clean, happy, he had awesome communication skills. Unfortunately it was short lived. He is not an every day user, or every week, it is like one time a month. But for me that is not acceptable. It never was but I never really put my foot down I suppose. I know this is not going to be an easy time, but if I can see that we are both willing to support one another in our good and bads, then I know this can work the way I always dreamed it could. I'm expecting back slides, but as you said, "Little". Anything bigger than little is not going to be tolerated as it has been in the past. I'm alittle stronger and I believe I can stand on my own 2 feet. I'm just not ready to throw in the towel just yet. WHY????????????????????????????? My family thinks I'm stupid/crazy and seem dissapointed. I hate to let them down, but I know I can't make everyone happy. I'm trying to make myself happy and if I am making a mistake, I will have to live with it and hopefully through my own therapy, I will be even stronger.

 

 

 

I need to thank you all for taking the time to express yourselves to me. This is the most honest, down to earth even caring feedback I've gotten in a long time. Being here makes me feel not so "STUPID".

 

 

Thank you ..... :love: [/FONT]

[Gunny376]

The thing is Anna is entirely possible to be absolutely, postivitely 110% USDA madly in love with the very person that is the very worse person for you, be that mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. Law enforcement can attest to this on a daily basis across the world of domestic abuse cases.

 

LE, you and only you can determine the time table? Be it three weeks or three years. I was just throwing that on the table for your consideration playing "devil's advocate" The one thing that I've learned about interpersonal relationships of this kind is that there are not any absolutes. What works for one couple, doesn't work for the next, and vice versa.

 

Another thing that I can absoultey stand up and testify to is that once a person has reach or passed the age of 40, the years fly by. What was once years, seems like months, what was once months seems like weeks, what was once weeks seems like days. I've researched this and the so-called experts, (someone who was correct at least once) say is that its because a lot of the things you're experincing you've already experienced.

 

And you're absolutely correct in one thing in not wanting to be 49 and still dealing with this same old song, second verse is the fact that you're still in some of the best years of your life. And, you've already given this guy some of the absoulte best years of your youth.

 

Three weeks? Especially factoring drugs into the equation may be too short. I'm working on giving up smoking cigarettes and I've already come to the determination that its someting that I'm probally going to have to make the conscioius decision to quit everyday for the rest of my life. Its hard for me to wrap my head around the concept of being hooked on drugs. And if its anything more than just smoking a little pot ~ then you're way out of your league. If he's on meth or crack, he's more than an occassional user. And the problem is much bigger than you, he, the two of you can concurr. At the very minimum he will need at least 90 days in a in-house treatment facilty, and will have to want to kick the habit as much as he desires his next breath. Once you've dance with the Devil, you don't change him, he changes you!

 

And, having laid off work for a year or better ~ sounds like he's on more than just pot. You mentioned that he's in construction ~ and drug use is prevalent among that particular trade. Why? I don't know, but it is.

 

The reason I know this is I use to be a production supervisor for a millwork company that employed prison work release. The company would only employ those that were "non-violent" offenders, (read that substance abuse related), and I've seen them after doing years in prison, head straight for the crack and crank houses as soon as they could. Even if it meant doing more time.

 

I support and back you in the decision of "standing by your man" June Carter Cash did, and pulled Johnny Cash back from the brink. But it was blood, sweat, and tears. It will take a mimimum of six weeks just to de-tox his body chemistry. Preferabally in an in-house facilty, away from his associates.

 

Again if you want him, this relationship, this marriage ~ fine! Tell him there's a straight and narrow path back with a small and closing window that is time intensive. It has qualifications, standards, and conditions that he's absolutely got to meet. And the bar has been set high, and will remain high! No "ifs, buts, nor and's" about it! No "Yea, but?,............

 

Life's hard, no matter who you are! Its hard for you! And its hard for me! Its suppose to be! Its even harder when you're stupid! And, I've been there, and done that! I've been played a fool, used and abused! I would like to think that I'm learning the lessons that I came to the planet to learn, to grow, to experience.

 

Set the bar high ~ if he's worth it? He'll rise to the challenge!

[Gunny376]

So we're talking toking a little "pot"

 

That's do-able!

 

That's workable!

 

Nothing worse?