Considering 2nd Chance. Can They change?

[anna13]

The thing is Anna is entirely possible to be absolutely, postivitely 110% USDA madly in love with the very person that is the very worse person for you, be that mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. Law enforcement can attest to this on a daily basis across the world of domestic abuse cases.

 

 

 

Set the bar high ~ if he's worth it? He'll rise to the challenge!

 

 

Yes, I totally agree with that .

[FlyingHigh]

Yes, I did know that he used drugs going into the marriage. I did not know much, but I did know that he smoked marijuana which I was not too happy with. I did believe in my own silly mind that "LOVE" would conquer all. (DUMB DUMB)

No, you're not dumb. You loved him unconditionally.

 

This is not his first attempt at help for his addiction. He did complete an outpatient rehab program which was a great time in our marriage. He was clean, happy, he had awesome communication skills.

This is where you two need to figure out WHY he relapsed. Was it because since he is in a "seasonal" job like construction, did he fall back during times when he wasn't working? Was he stressed out about anything? Financial? Next job?

 

As long as he remains in this profession where job/income is off and on, it may contribute to his relapse. There may by a deeper issue he's not telling you. It could very well be his INSECURITY of not being able to "provide" for you in ways that he thinks you might deserve, want and need. Discuss this with him.

 

Drug users are like cheaters. Drugs and cheating is a form of escape from reality. It allows them to not have to deal with conflicts in their lives without thinking of the consequences. It's a false sense of "self-preservation", a refusal of owning up to their responsibilities. Only when they hit rock bottom at the realization of losing everything they love and worked for will they wake up and COMMIT to change their lives. Your husband seems to have reached this crossroad of wanting to change his path. And you seem willing to help him through it.

 

While you two work together to beat his addiction, don't forget that your marriage needs tuning up. To help both of you gauge whether or not you TWO are on the same page, do an excercise in which you and he list your top 10 emotional needs without the other seeing it. Then compare and discuss each one. It may surprise both of you that your top three on your list is his bottom three or vice versa. And it may even surprise both of you that some of the things on your list, neither one of you really knew. Have fun while you're at it.

 

He was clean, happy, he had awesome communication skills.

This is the goal. It was possible. It can happen again. And it can be a permanent change. The task is figure out WHY he relapsed.

 

Unfortunately it was short lived. He is not an every day user, or every week, it is like one time a month.

The fact that he is NOT a daily user means he has the "potential" to quit for good. Again, it goes back to WHY he fell back.

 

I'm just not ready to throw in the towel just yet. WHY?????????????????????????????

Because you love him. You're not a quitter. And you're not likely a person who would turn your back on anyone who might need your help, husband or not.

 

Be careful however that you DO NOT fall into the category of a co-depenent relationship with him and his addiction which can be very easy to do.

 

When you are ready to call it quits, you'll know. You will be able to look at the end of your marriage WITHOUT any regrets. You will find peace when you do. You're far from it.

 

My family thinks I'm stupid/crazy and seem dissapointed. I hate to let them down, but I know I can't make everyone happy. I'm trying to make myself happy and if I am making a mistake, I will have to live with it and hopefully through my own therapy, I will be even stronger.

That's what family do. You're not stupid. They're there for your best interest. They don't want to see you unhappy and waste your life away to someone who uses drugs.

 

Your job is NOT to make everyone happy. Your job is to make yourself happy. You and your husband's job is to rebuild you marriage and figure out a way to over come his addiction so that you two can be happy again.

 

If you are employed and he's under your medical insurance, his addiction can be treated. Counseling is also covered by most insurance especially for the first 5 sessions with a small copay of $15-30. If your counselor feels you need more, a request to extend it up to 15 per year with the same co-pay amount. You paid for it. Take advantage of it.

 

I want actions rather than words. I could go home now and sit next to him and wait for changes, but I want the time apart to give him the time to get himself together and start showing me what he is going to do about the problems in our marriage.

He will if he's committed.

 

Meanwhile, don't forget to take care of yourself so that it won't cause you to resent him.

 

Good luck.

[Gunny376]

No, you're not dumb. You loved him unconditionally.

 

 

This is where you two need to figure out WHY he relapsed. Was it because since he is in a "seasonal" job like construction, did he fall back during times when he wasn't working? Was he stressed out about anything? Financial? Next job?

 

As long as he remains in this profession where job/income is off and on, it may contribute to his relapse. There may by a deeper issue he's not telling you. It could very well be his INSECURITY of not being able to "provide" for you in ways that he thinks you might deserve, want and need. Discuss this with him.

 

Drug users are like cheaters. Drugs and cheating is a form of escape from reality. It allows them to not have to deal with conflicts in their lives without thinking of the consequences. It's a false sense of "self-preservation", a refusal of owning up to their responsibilities. Only when they hit rock bottom at the realization of losing everything they love and worked for will they wake up and COMMIT to change their lives. Your husband seems to have reached this crossroad of wanting to change his path. And you seem willing to help him through it.

 

While you two work together to beat his addiction, don't forget that your marriage needs tuning up. To help both of you gauge whether or not you TWO are on the same page, do an excercise in which you and he list your top 10 emotional needs without the other seeing it. Then compare and discuss each one. It may surprise both of you that your top three on your list is his bottom three or vice versa. And it may even surprise both of you that some of the things on your list, neither one of you really knew. Have fun while you're at it.

 

 

This is the goal. It was possible. It can happen again. And it can be a permanent change. The task is figure out WHY he relapsed.

 

 

The fact that he is NOT a daily user means he has the "potential" to quit for good. Again, it goes back to WHY he fell back.

 

 

Because you love him. You're not a quitter. And you're not likely a person who would turn your back on anyone who might need your help, husband or not.

 

Be careful however that you DO NOT fall into the category of a co-depenent relationship with him and his addiction which can be very easy to do.

 

When you are ready to call it quits, you'll know. You will be able to look at the end of your marriage WITHOUT any regrets. You will find peace when you do. You're far from it.

 

 

That's what family do. You're not stupid. They're there for your best interest. They don't want to see you unhappy and waste your life away to someone who uses drugs.

 

Your job is NOT to make everyone happy. Your job is to make yourself happy. You and your husband's job is to rebuild you marriage and figure out a way to over come his addiction so that you two can be happy again.

 

If you are employed and he's under your medical insurance, his addiction can be treated. Counseling is also covered by most insurance especially for the first 5 sessions with a small copay of $15-30. If your counselor feels you need more, a request to extend it up to 15 per year with the same co-pay amount. You paid for it. Take advantage of it.

 

 

He will if he's committed.

 

Meanwhile, don't forget to take care of yourself so that it won't cause you to resent him.

 

Good luck.

 

Good post! Damn good post!!!!!

[FlyingHigh]

Good post! Damn good post!!!!!

Thanks Gunny!! Always admire your no-nonsense posts, too with a military edge!

[Change4Us]

Legaleyz,

 

I am in your husband's situation right now. I've been with my wife for 10yrs this year, married for the last 4. She left me 2 weeks ago, stating she was walking on eggshells around me because of my temper and me nagging everything she does.

 

She told the counseller that in her mind, she's already let me go. And that she thinks of me as a friend and doesn't love me anymore. I have been told to hold off contact with her for the past week, because she said I as pressuring her.

 

She left me in 2004 for 1 week, but I talked her into coming back, promising everything. But things slowly went back to 'normal.' So this time she's extremely skeptical. She feels that people can't change who they are.

 

Now I have really hit rock bottom this time, because this time I finally realized how serious the situation has become. I've cried so much, and I've told her how this pain has finally made me realize how much pain I've caused her (because during some bigger fights, she cried). Feeling this pain is so unbearable, and I feel so regretful for what I've put her through.

 

The counsellor recommended Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read it and it was a real eye opener for me. It gave me a perspective that I never saw before. The root of my nagging was because I never truly realized how men and women think and do things differently. I 'nagged' her because I was trying to tell her a quicker more efficient way of doing things -- only because I thought I was helping her. But now I know that I have to let some things go, and let her do it whichever way she's most comfortable with. Simple things like that.

 

I've talked to so many people these past few weeks, and I've opened up to so many people that I never really talked to before. Nobody saw this coming, as we looked like the perfect couple. I've been getting mixed messages from her (when we were talking, and when we went to counselling), but I feel that I have a chance. We're not going to couples counselling anymore, since the counseller saw that we wanted different things at this time.

 

My goal is to show her that I CAN change. Hindsight is 20/20, and now that we're apart, I can see everything that I was doing wrong. I've gained perspectives that I never saw before. I'm sooo willing to make those changes. She too told me that I should change for myself and not for her. She said she wants me to be a better person and enjoy life more, to have a better relationship with my family, etc. I wholeheartedly agree. But ultimiately, I feel that if I do become a 'better person' then she should be able to fall in love with me again. She even told me 2 weeks ago that I have to make her fall in love with me all over again.

 

It still hurts with every breath I take... But there's nothing I can do, but to acknowledge where I screwed up, and work on fixing my attitude regarding those issues. I hope to slowly open the door for her to at least talk to me again, without feeling pressured. Basically we have to date again, which I'm willing to do. I'm willing to do anything to win her back, because she's my soul mate. We've had so much history, and I know a lot of it was still good and worth fighting for.

 

I can't speak for your husband, but sometimes it's these harsh separations that give you the slap in the face that you need, in order to realize where you screwed up. Once you make that realization, then I feel that the change can be sincere and genuine. I know mine is. Another thing she told the counseller was that in that past week, she saw a lot of change in me, but it's only been one week. I just have to prove that this time it's for real.

 

KIT.

[LegalEyz]

So we're talking toking a little "pot"

 

That's do-able!

 

That's workable!

 

Nothing worse?

 

Occassional cocaine use ... Definitely no crack or anything more.

 

The work issue is a big part. But I'm not so sure that this was the reason for his year long unemployment. There was more involved with that ... It was our move to a new place where his business did not take off. We bought an fixerupper and he made a beautiful home for us to live in in a short period of time which caused him stress and during that period he sorta went into a depression. We were in a new area where we knew nobody, he was home alone all day working alone on the house and I was more stressed out commuting 80 miles a day for work which made me alittle less available. Not sure if this is any sort of an excuse, but this all happened to change this man drastically. We did have problems before, dont get me wrong, but this past year was pure HELL.

 

[FONT=Arial]KIT,

 

I believe that if she has any love for your at all, proving to her can make her see that. The past 2 weeks my H and I have been taking things real slow. I'm still staying away and he is finally accepting that. He too realizes where he went wrong over the years and said he never saw it the way he sees it now. He fell FLAT on his face (which wasn't my intentions) but I am seeing a person that I never saw before. He is totally giving me my space. No pressure aside from the fact that he wants me to call him often. But no pressure to be together or anything like that. We actually had a "DATE" today and it was great. I still have the skepticism (?) and the wall is still pretty high, but I know if he can continue to work on his wrongs and always stay aware of them, he can do this, and we can do this. I can't say that I am head over heals in love with him, but I love him with all my heart. I want nothing more than for his happiness and ultimately ours. Give her space. Don't pressure her and as the counsellor said, back off for a week. If she cares, you will see it. I'm not sure what your exact circumstances are, but if there is anything left in her for you, she won't let it go. Unless the damage is too deep for too long. Mine is pretty deep, but I know that I love this man and I want it to work.

 

 

 

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.[/FONT]

[FlyingHigh]

The work issue is a big part. But I'm not so sure that this was the reason for his year long unemployment. There was more involved with that ... It was our move to a new place where his business did not take off.

Men define themselves by their career and level of income. This goes back generations of upbringing where they have been programmed to be the "man of the house" or "bread winner" of the family. Nevermind that in today's economy, dual income is a necessity, unless one of you is making a six figure income. And in some places, even a six figure income may not cut it depending on your lifestyle.

 

So, bottom line is, that your FINANCES play a role in his vacillation use of drugs. This is the area in which you TWO need to figure out a plan so that your marriage won't fall victim to lack of planning/discussion. Understand that communication tops the list that cause marital discord and divorces? Do you know the second top on the list? FINANCES.

 

We were in a new area where we knew nobody,

Start getting to know your neighbors regardless of how old or young they are. This is an excuse. Don't make it one.

 

he was home alone all day working alone on the house

Your husband needs to be a responsible adult. There are ways to occupy downtime. He can take up a hobby or look into another career. This is another excuse.

 

I was more stressed out commuting 80 miles a day for work which made me alittle less available.

People do this everyday. And if you live in southen CA, it's even worse with traffic. BUT people make do with what they have.

 

You have a choice:

1) you can either stress out with the commute

2) make that commute like everyone and find relief that you and your husband have a home when most are still renting.

3) Sell your house and move closer to work.

 

I commute by plane to work, 280 miles from home. So, to clock in for work at 12:30, sometimes, I have to wake up at 4 in the morning, catch the first flight out if the weather is bad leaving myself one back up flight. This can take a toll physically and mentally. BUT hey, I made the choice and I love my job and wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

In other words, rather than looking at your cup half empty, look at it half-full. When you do this, you are less likely to stress about things you cannot control.

 

Not sure if this is any sort of an excuse, but this all happened to change this man drastically.

Yes, they are excuses. When excuses are used, it's a form of denial. It's a way of not wanting to deal with the REAL issues in your marriage.

 

You have a choice:

1) deal with it

2) make excuses and not deal with it.

 

Number 2 is much easier. BUT, if you don't deal with it, it will come back until you are "forced" to deal with it. And this is exactly what is happening.

 

Accept and understand that part of the problem is not all about your husband "occasional" use of drugs. Part of the problem could be and may have a lot to do with your attitude and how you approach your marital problems, and the outside forces (commute, your work, yourself etc.) that affect your marriage (drugs, commute). You and your husband need to look at your marriage as YOURS TOGETHER, YOUR problems TOGETHER so that you two can solve the problems TOGETHER.

 

We did have problems before, dont get me wrong, but this past year was pure HELL.

This is exactly what life is all about. Your problems "before" were not dealt with. And now, you are having to face it again with other new problems. You're back to square one with one choice:

 

1) deal with it OR

2) not deal with

[blueberry]

[FONT=Arial] He is not an every day user, or every week, it is like one time a month.

 

I'm sorry but this alone does not a problem make. Its no worse than having a glass of wine with your meals.

 

BUT if YOU dont like it, fair enough - you have to set your own standards.

[hopeto]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! they are incapable of change!!!!! I have been in my marraige for 15 years and then we dated for three so total of 18 and no they will never change and will only get worse in time!!!!! that is a promise.

[lisapizza]

Take a minute and just be. Shut off the computer, turn off your phone and just reflect.

 

 

Boy did you hit it on the head!! ...I have noticed in the past few years that everyone from IC, self help books etc, no matter what the problem is, they all suggest "quiet time, no people, nothing but your thoughts and breathing"...and it really helps, it gives you clarity, lets you slow down your brain from too many things going through it. Yoga is a great way to center your self, there are so many dvd, books etc if you don't go to a gym that offers it...try it I promise it will help you.

[LegalEyz]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! they are incapable of change!!!!! I have been in my marraige for 15 years and then we dated for three so total of 18 and no they will never change and will only get worse in time!!!!! that is a promise.

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Now that is scary. Can you share what happened to you to make you feel this way??? Please????

[LegalEyz]

How do you use the quote thingy???

[amaysngrace]

Instead of hitting 'reply' hit 'quote' at the bottom. You can use what you want by highlighting and deleting. Just make sure you have the brackets around the text.

[amaysngrace]

Hey LegalEyz, I see you're a Jersey Girl. Me too!

 

I'm in Cape May County...you?

[LegalEyz]

Im originally from Bergen County, but I'm in Monmouth County, heading back to Bergen County.

[amaysngrace]

Im originally from Bergen County, but I'm in Monmouth County, heading back to Bergen County.

 

Um, okay. We're basically on opposite sides of the hemisphere then.

[LegalEyz]

Basically... LOL But at the rate I'm going .. We'll be neighbors soon.

 

Hey, just a quick question. Is it normal to question your love for your H after feeling that you love him more than the world???