! What does he mean?

[Due South]

Hi everyone,

 

Well, after a year of rockiness but husband of 3 years has decided he has had enough. He was doing the whole "i need time, i dont know" thing for a while but I wasn't really trying my best to Back Off. After pushing for an answer one too many times he moved out. Totally understandable, I hate myself for being so selfish. He said he couldnt think straight in the house and I understand why.

 

I got really frustrated last Thursday and said he had to decide one way or another (as he was coming and going when I wasnt home) and that I wasn't going to keep all his stuff in the house, pay all the bills and have him treat the place as a hotel (too harsh?). I packed up his stuff and asked him to collect it and leave the keys. He refused (because he hasnt got a proper place to live in he said). I did call back and apologised. I dont have much control over my emotions at the moment and have been swinging wildly from sadness to anger to panic and back again. He seemed to understand.

 

Anyway, we didnt speak for a few days and I did a_lot_ of thinking. I ended up sending him an email yesterday saying thanks for giving us the space that we had needed to cool off. I explained his stuff would of course be safe in the house and that the door would always be open until he made up his mind. (btw - he has suffered from depression in the past and I think its important he feels he has somewhere to turn - namely his wife and home).

 

He called today and I told him I missed him so much and was hoping he would reconsider moving out and that I didn't want us to throw everything away. He said the following:

 

- He wants me to show him the way to us trusting each other again (I couldnt answer)

- He asked me how we could be successful this time around

- he asked me "where have you been the last 3 years?" (um)

- he hasnt been happy in the weeks he has been gone

- he would "think about it"

- he believes we only have a "slim chance"

- his feelings havent changed. "even if we were only friends it would still hurt"

- he doesnt want to come home at the moment and i shouldnt have too much hope

- he was going to tell his mother we had split but admitted he hadnt called her

 

He ended the conversation saying "i dont want to talk about it anymore right now, but if you want me to say hurtful things then we can keep talking". (err, I said OK lets not talk). He said we can have another talk later.

 

Help! Should I be reading anything into this? Its all a pretty sad bad situation but I cant stop myself analysing his words. And then I think am i just reading too much into it? Good and/or bad?

 

Any ideas? I really miss him and want him to come home.

[Due South]

He rang again later when I was at work and was asking where I had put his file folder. I told him I hadnt touched it and it should still be in the same place. He was umming and ahhing and looking for it whilst keeping me on the phone - almost like he didnt really want to hang up. Again, it was generally a nice convo.

 

Anyway, I got home and he has gone again (I get the feeling he was in and out as quickly as possible). He has washed all the clothes he took when he left and has also taken them with him again.

 

I also noticed that we received another rental agreement in the post and he has signed it and left for me to co-sign. Is he messing with me?

 

My husband KNOWS that he is the one in control and if he wants to come back - he can. I'm heartbroken and regret packing all of his stuff but unpacking it is only telling him how unvalid and unstable my emotions really are right now. Right?

 

Im trying to do a 180 on him. I'm not gonna call (and I'm chomping at the bit). When he called today I couldnt stop myself from telling him how much I want him back and how much *I* am willing to change. WTF??

 

I have promised myself that when he does call to talk - Im going to tell HIM that I dont want to talk about it right now - that I am "busy". In a nice way I'm gonna tell him. Its gonna hurt and its gonna be hard - but the proof is in the pudding. Its human nature. He will hopefully get a confused wee shock and I'll be redressing the balance a little. Right now, even though he is probably feeling gutted too, and guilty - he also knows that he holds allll the cards.

 

For everyone out there, just remember one thing - no-on wants to get into the water with a drowning man. Swim baby swim.

 

Right??

[Guest]

Why did your husband ask where you've been for the past three years? I need more history before I can offer any opinion.

[Gunny376]

In the book "Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Vensu" Dr. John gives that analogy of how men and women work thorugh their personal problems. Women talk, talk and still do more talking about it with other women. Men? They go off by themselves and crawl into their caves by themselves, and don't come out until they're damn good and ready. I can't speak for all men ~ but I can speak for myself ~ and that's most definately my M.O.

 

First off, you're "analysising yourself to the point of paralysis!" Stop that! No good will come of it, its acheives nothing, accomplishes nothing, stops nothing, prevents nothing, un-does nothing. The one thing is does do is to feed a negative emotinal cycle that feeds upon itself!

 

Read Lor's story and you will find that begging him, pleading with him, etc won't work ~ but it will drive him further away. Above all keep your own self respect and dignity. If crying couldn't make him stay ~ it sure as Hell won't make him come back. Even young teen girls know better than to be chasing after some boy!

 

Its like Steve told Hellen ~ "There's just no way of tellin'"

[Change4Us]

A good tip my counseller just told me was that the more you do something, the more it has the opposite effect.

 

So the more you try to contact him and talk to him, the more you're pressuring him and pushing him away.

 

I'm in the situation where my wife left me 2 weeks ago, and last wednesday I got that advice because she told the counseller I was pressuring her. So for the past week I've tried very hard to give her some time and space. I feel it's for the best.

 

Hang in there!

[Gunny376]

Think about it for a minute, the gut level, instintive reaction to someone or something chasing after you is to do what? Run the oppossite direction!

 

If you were on a dark, desserted street, late at night, and you heard or thought you heard, or you seen or you thought you saw something frightening and or threating your natural instict would be to run away.

[blueberry]

Hi there,

 

Well, we had our talk... he feels there is no way back for us now. Says there has been too much water under the bridge and thinks we would be happier apart. I'm doing my best to accept it but very gutted about it.

 

Thing is, we moved to London together for his job. I never really liked it here - although I love love love my job. My best friend is coming over from Australia in late January for a holiday together. She has now suggested I pack it all in and go back with her to start a new life (easily done, I'm a kiwi, so no visa probs there).

 

This idea really appeals to me on so many levels (being closer to my family and being far away from him). But I want to make sure its not me running away. I know it will hurt no matter where I am but I'm sure the healing process may be sped up by starting a new life in Australia. We dont have any kids or property together.

 

Problem is, I feel like if I go I'm packing in any chance we had of getting back together as I am giving him no way back. He knows a little bit about the plan and was a little shell-shocked and didnt say much. But surely he's the one thats walked right? Hes the one that said "I dont love you anymore" and hasnt been home in 3 weeks.

 

Am I shutting the door on this marriage?

[blueberry]

By the way

 

Due South is me. My account got messed up somehow so I'm using Blueberry.

[Gunny376]

I called and checked with Melbourne, and they said the last time they held a census, they didn't have any shortage of men ~ as a matter of fact? They're covered up with them!

 

They said there was a shortage of "good" women however!

[blueberry]

((gunny))

 

thanks...

 

 

(its brisbane though btw

[blueberry]

i'm going to get through Christmas, New Years and plan the holiday with my friend in Jan (to Istanbul).

In between all of that, slowly but surely get my "house" in order ready to leave.

 

Its a good opportunity. cant help but feel I would be running away, other times I think why would i want to stay? got a lot of thinking to do. I still have 8 weeks so thats a relief.

[blueberry]

i guess the thing is, if my husband doesnt want to be with me, im going to get on a damn plane and run away like a coward and i know it sounds all a bit drastic.

 

i feel guilty about the demise of our marriage and all i see is hate and disinterest in his eyes now. i dont want him to even look at me anymore for fear of what he will see. do you know what i mean? and therefore im escaping. it sounds a bit dramatic but i feel like i am also trying to run away from myself. i just dont like me much anymore - he has had a lot to do with that.

 

time will change things and all that blah blah, i know that, it just sucks right now. im scared of being so far away from him but it feels like the best option. its going to look real bad though to our friends and family which matters a lot.

[blueberry]

i should tell him everything about my plan to leave. it only has 2 possible results.

 

a) if he does truly love me, he'll try to sort things out

b) the marriage will be definately finished and i'll be safely thousands of miles away, with a new life to occupy me

 

its a win-win situ right?

[blueberry]

...or i stick it out in london. a city i've never really gelled with over the last 2 years. grey, crowded, dirty old london. maybe my marriage has tainted my view of the place. who knows..

[Ladyjane14]

i should tell him everything about my plan to leave. it only has 2 possible results.

 

a) if he does truly love me, he'll try to sort things out

b) the marriage will be definately finished and i'll be safely thousands of miles away, with a new life to occupy me

 

its a win-win situ right?

 

Not necessarily.

 

Way back in the olden days, I used a similar tactic on my husband. Guess what?... turned out that he REALLY did love me, but he let me go anyway.

 

There's something of an ultimatum at work in situations like this. i.e. "I you really love me, you'll chase me". And it doesn't always work like that.

 

I'll be honest, from what I've read of you posts... I kind of suspect that he's cheating. And if he is, right now... he can't really SEE you. Someone else is impeding his view if that's the case, blocking whatever his real feelings for you might be.

 

In the end, I think you're best served to do what YOU really want the most. If you want to work things out, hang in there and fight for it. And if you want to move on, then leave him behind in truth, without regrets or hopes for a future relationship with him.

[blueberry]

Not necessarily.

 

Way back in the olden days, I used a similar tactic on my husband. Guess what?... turned out that he REALLY did love me, but he let me go anyway.

 

 

how did you find that out?

[Guest]

how did you find that out?

 

LadyJane - how did you find out that your husband really did love you?

 

I'm guessing you found out BECAUSE you left? If you had stayed behind would you have discovered your husbands love?

[Ladyjane14]

Nope. After a year of waiting for him to make his move.... I finally had to go back and retrieve him.

[blueberry]

Nope. After a year of waiting for him to make his move.... I finally had to go back and retrieve him.

 

 

Was it worth it to go after a man who did not have the urge/motivation/balls/confidence (whatever) to go after you himself?

[Ladyjane14]

Well... I've been with him for 25 years now, and even though there were ups and downs, I'm fairly satisfied most days.

[blueberry]

Wow I'm really happy its turned out so well for you!

 

But isn't there a nagging voice inside of you saying "if i never came back, he would have let me go forever" ?

 

Sorry to ask you these questions but did he want you to go in the first instance?

 

I dont want to cut my nose off to spite my face, its just that if he lets me leave, there is no way i see myself coming back.

[Ladyjane14]

But isn't there a nagging voice inside of you saying "if i never came back, he would have let me go forever" ?

 

No, not really. People don't have to be perfect in order to be worthy of love. And yeah... it was short-sided of him to let me go. But on the other hand, I had kind of forced a decision from him that he wasn't ready to make at the time. In essence, "either you're ready to commit or I'm outta here".

 

He wasn't ready yet. That's all it was. Nothing more nefarious than that.

 

I'm not saying that you're making a mistake to move on and leave the area, Blueberry. You know your situation best. But I just wanted to make you aware that if you're kind of counting on your man to pull his head out of his nether regions and follow you... it might not happen.

 

All it takes is one wayward thought on his part to gum up the works. Something along the lines of "if she really cared, she would've stayed", could be enough to stop him from pursuing. And his head ain't made of glass. There's no way to know what's going on in there.

 

Best to be true to what you think is right for YOU in that case. If moving on is the right course... don't hesitate. If it's a gambit to make him see the error of his ways, it's not true enough.

[blueberry]

Thanks heaps LJ,

 

You've summed it up perfectly. It IS me deciding that enoughs enough. I'm not expecting him to come chasing after me (although it would be nice) - I've just decided that this cannot go on anymore the way it has been....And the best way to break the cycle is to move (albeit 18,000 miles away may seem a bit extreme!)

 

I'm deeply in love with him - but its not reciprocated. and it hurts. Its hurt off and on since the day we married.

 

I think "am i running away?" but a friend pointed out to me that I have been trying for the last couple of years to make it work. And its not.

 

So IF I am going to suffer anyway, why not remove myself from the gray coldness of crowded London and go suffer in the sunnier climes of Australias Gold Coast? Its gotta be better than staying here where he knows I would be waiting for him anytime he chooses to drop by.

 

It goes against all that DB stuff...sticking it out and believing in your marriage - about smiling through the pain and putting on a brave face whenever the ex decides to drop in - but fact is, if he says he doesnt want me - im gone. Gutted. But gone.

 

Thanks for your replies LJ, I appreciate your insight.

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds to me like you've thought it all through.

 

It sucks when things don't go the way we wish they had gone. But it sounds like you're making lemonade out of the lemons you've been handed. Atta-girl!

[blueberry]

Thanks LJ.

 

Why waste my life regretting that I've wasted my life?

 

Fact is, he doesnt love me. He's told me enough times now I should really get a t-shirt printed.

 

Its going to be a tough 8 weeks before I go. Funnily enough, departure date is my 31st birthday. My husband left me on our anniversary. Dates schmates

 

God bless and hugs, hope you're feeling good.