blind_otter Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 My sister paid for and organized a memorial mass (we are catholic) for my Dad. It was scheduled, obscenely, on the 1 month anniversary of his death. I woke up OK, anxious, but OK. I was in the middle of drying my hair when I started to cry. It became these uncontrollable gasping sobs of deep grief. I waited a few hours and called my sister, still crying, to tell her I couldn't go. She became very angry and kept telling me that I could pull it together, that I should go. I couldn't. The image of my trying to pull on pantyhose while sobbing hysterically is actually really funny, in retrospect. Finally my mother called me and told me that it was OK for me to stay home. I just couldn't face anyone. But now there is this unspoken anger between my two older sisters and me. They are upset that me, the INSANE ONE, couldn't pull it together. I ended up going to the river and watching the water go by until I stopped crying. I think Dad was with me there, out in the woods. He always loved being in the woods. I don't know how to begin to broach the topic. Part of me thinks I should just leave it alone and let them call me when they aren't angry any more. I know they wouldn't understand why I felt the way I did, anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Finally my mother called me and told me that it was OK for me to stay home. I just couldn't face anyone. listen to your mom – because as much as all of y'all are hurting, she is the one whose thoughts matter the most right now ... it was their daddy, but her mate. And if she is okay with the idea of you not being there, then it's okay, period. the beauty of this is that there will never just be that one memorial Mass for your dad; you can always ask the priest to celebrate a liturgy in memory of your dad when you feel better able to cope with all of these feelings, and it still counts! hopefully, your sisters will be able to see through their own hurt and anger to give you the comfort you need. hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Thanks quank, I needed some affirmation. at some point my sisters will be able to chill out. Sometimes I feel the need to over explain myself and it just creates more drama. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 it's still too raw for everyone, but fortunately, your mom understood, you know? I think as time goes by and your sisters can distance themselves from their own grief they can understand – maybe even respect – your decision. Just give yourselves time, and don't worry too much about explaining yourself if they're not ready to really listen. it's only been the past year that I've been able to get back onto decent footing with my oldest sister. While I hate the thought that it took us so long to get to this point, I'm glad we're getting along even better than before. In an odd way, I think she's reassumed the role of "little mama" that she adopted when I was born, but it's reassuring at times. :laugh: and I'd NEVER thought I'd feel that way about the two of us ... hugs, q Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Isn't it a sad state of affairs that people think they can dictate how someone 'should' mourn? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 People grieve in different ways so your sister(s) have no real right to be pissed off at you. Seemed they were more worried about what others were going to think if you didn't go. Screw what others think!! I'm sure most who attended aren't going to sit and ponder why you weren't there. Let them come to you, if they don't get it or try to understand then it's their problem, not yours. Listen to your heart... Hey, I think you being out in the woods and feeling that your dad was there with you is helpful, more so than being at the service. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 everyone deals with these sort of matters in a different way, B_0... about 4 hrs ago I was spoon feeding my father chicken broth and cherry jello in the ICU Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 The mass was for the living, to help your family with their grief. If you needed to deal with your grief differently, you don't need to feel guilty about that, or responsible for trying to placate your sister. Link to post Share on other sites
TYASAFAHICSI Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 BO--sounds like your sisters missed the ceremony to me. Your dad was in the woods with you watching the water flow in the river. Personally, I cannot think of a more fitting memorial. BTW--sisters tend to suck as they get older Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Your sisters have no right to be upset at you - I am actually surprised that your sister insisted that you went to the cerimony after she heard you crying that way. Luckily at least your mother understood how you felt - like Norajane said, the mass is more for the family, and everyone should deal with their grief the way it is more natural to them. I think the time you spent by the river is more sacred than the time you could have spent attending the cerimony. You do not need a memorial mass to remember your dad, or to keep him in your heart - this is what counts. I don't think you owe any apology or explanation to your sisters, they need no other explanation than having heard you crying so badly. If they want to cling on the fact that you did not attent the mass, it's their problem! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 Yeah I know these things can get pretty hairy. Lately I'm just confused about a lot of my emotions and am unsure what are MY feelings and what is the grief. I forget that he's gone sometimes. It's sad when I remember that he's not here. I just don't know. It's surprising that my mother of all people understood me. I think the problems between us have subsided for the moment and she is a lot more understanding. I felt my Dad there with my on the river, that day. I take long walks lately and I feel like he walks with me. Sometimes I can almost imagine him hugging me. But it's not like the real thing. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 I can empathize with you B O. My father died late January 2006. I had spoken to my step-mother the day before and she knew my wishes about if my father should die. I had discussed this with my father many times. I do not do funerals or memorial masses and if really forced I do not do them well! My daughter was not happy due to my oldest sister playing "mommy" acting out and was irate I refused to fly down to New Orleans for the services! (funny she never called me but imposed her stupidity on my daughter) My thought process is simple. I do not wish to remember my father how he acted and looked in the hospital! I am a nurse, I know death and dying very well! I deal with it day in and out! I was his baby and I knew he loved me, but he knew I could never cope with his funeral or memorial mass! Your sister may never understand how you felt nor how you cope. I say it is ignorant of those to impose their beliefs on us! Yes B O I am catholic, and memorials ah no I tend to avoid those as well! Gotta love us catholics! Don't be so hard on yourself girl! Each of us deal and cope differently. Grief as we know has no time table! And know some of us just DO NOT do memmorials or funerals! We refuse to be martyrs and be forced into doing something we just cannot emotionally deal with! It isn't because we are particularily weak it is our choice how we choose to deal with a death! Link to post Share on other sites
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