interested in your comments

[AtAGlance]

Hi

 

I'm interested in your views on my story, as I hope they will enable me to get some closure on a (failed) long term relationship.

 

When I met BF I was married and he was married. In time we both got divorced, set up home together and had a relationship that lasted 20 years. It was never really happy as there were many arguments - the main problem being my relationships with other men. We had the same arguments from year one to the end.

 

These were the problem issues:

 

1. when I was still married but after I had met BF I occasionally had sex with my husband. This lasted 4 years.

 

2. at the start of the relationship with BF I was still in contact with an ex-bf, by phone. my then-H knew about this and had no problem with it. but BF thought it was disgusting

 

3. after 15 years together I told BF that 5 years earlier I had fancied one of his friends. We did nothing, (I didn't even see him during this time) but for about 3 weeks I did have a fixation about him

 

4. after 19 years together a male friend of ours asked if I fancied going out for a drink because BF was working away for a week and he thought I might like a bit of company. There was a huge row between BF and I and in the end I didn't go.

 

5. BF also says I flirt constantly - always preening in front of men, laughing at their jokes etc

 

I admit issue 1 is wrong. I should have made my decision H or BF and stuck with it, and not lived a double life. However I do not find so much wrong with 2,3,4 and 5 and this is where BF and I differed. He believed that issues 1-4 count as cheating, and are either full affairs (1 and 2) or starts of affairs (3 and 4).

 

Now our relationship has failed and I am trying to get some closure on a large part of my life. Was I a "disloyal slut" for 20 years (his words not mine) or was I just walking a little too close to the edge, and not being as sensitive to his feelings as I should have been ?

 

Thanks for reading

[climbergirl]

Hi

 

I'm interested in your views on my story, as I hope they will enable me to get some closure on a (failed) long term relationship.

 

When I met BF I was married and he was married. In time we both got divorced, set up home together and had a relationship that lasted 20 years. It was never really happy as there were many arguments - the main problem being my relationships with other men. We had the same arguments from year one to the end.

 

These were the problem issues:

 

1. when I was still married but after I had met BF I occasionally had sex with my husband. This lasted 4 years.

 

2. at the start of the relationship with BF I was still in contact with an ex-bf, by phone. my then-H knew about this and had no problem with it. but BF thought it was disgusting

 

3. after 15 years together I told BF that 5 years earlier I had fancied one of his friends. We did nothing, (I didn't even see him during this time) but for about 3 weeks I did have a fixation about him

 

4. after 19 years together a male friend of ours asked if I fancied going out for a drink because BF was working away for a week and he thought I might like a bit of company. There was a huge row between BF and I and in the end I didn't go.

 

5. BF also says I flirt constantly - always preening in front of men, laughing at their jokes etc

 

I admit issue 1 is wrong. I should have made my decision H or BF and stuck with it, and not lived a double life. However I do not find so much wrong with 2,3,4 and 5 and this is where BF and I differed. He believed that issues 1-4 count as cheating, and are either full affairs (1 and 2) or starts of affairs (3 and 4).

 

Now our relationship has failed and I am trying to get some closure on a large part of my life. Was I a "disloyal slut" for 20 years (his words not mine) or was I just walking a little too close to the edge, and not being as sensitive to his feelings as I should have been ?

 

Thanks for reading

 

1. you think it was wrong, so no need for comments.

 

2. I personally don't think being in contact with an ex-bf is wrong, unless you had ulterior motives. My experience is that you can have 'just' a friendship with an ex. However, if it's impinging on your current relationship contact should be limited (but not ceased, as long as it's just a friendship).

 

3. I think telling him this would only lead to trouble. In what context was this brought up?

 

4. He's was worried because of #3.

 

5. Are/were you after attention or is this just your personality to be friendly to all? (FYI-a relationship counselor told me that I was too friendly and to tone it down as it may come off as flirtation-, but in that case I flirt with women as well!)

[AtAGlance]

Hi climbergirl

 

thanks for such a quick reply.

 

I told him about the friend because he had always suspected something was strange at that time in our lives and so 5 years later he asked me straight out. I wanted to tell him the truth, but now I wonder if a lie would have been better !!

 

I appreciate your comment at the end. I often feel (with men and women) that maybe I have been over friendly and a bit gushing. Trouble is I find it hard to settle in the middle ground. Sometimes when I try not to be friendly I get accused of being distant or not interested. I obviously need to work on it.

[climbergirl]

Hi climbergirl

 

thanks for such a quick reply.

 

I told him about the friend because he had always suspected something was strange at that time in our lives and so 5 years later he asked me straight out. I wanted to tell him the truth, but now I wonder if a lie would have been better !!

 

Maybe 'downplayed' would be a better word;). Funny how the best intentions can blow up in our face. I can understand that after 5 years you'd think, "what's the big deal--nothing happened!", but to him it was new and fresh. Tough position for you both.

 

I appreciate your comment at the end. I often feel (with men and women) that maybe I have been over friendly and a bit gushing. Trouble is I find it hard to settle in the middle ground. Sometimes when I try not to be friendly I get accused of being distant or not interested. I obviously need to work on it.

 

But that is the one and only time I didn't agree with her. I thought she was asking me to change my personality-and after 30+ years, that's pretty hard to do, especially when I knew I wasn't doing anything disloyal as (my)personality was static and similar to either gender.

 

Why do you think you need to work on this? Did your ex-H have a problem with it as well?

[Walk]

Problem as I see it..

 

2-5 are not a problem as long as #1 had NEVER occured. Because #1 occured, then 2-5 could never be seen as "harmless".

 

#1 casts doubt on any interaction you have with another man. It'd e like if someone kicked you in the knee, and then every time you saw them they looked like they would kick you again. Unless they drastically altered their behavior, then that fear of being hurt again would always be forefront on your mind. Even if the other person said they wouldn't kick you, the only proof you'd have is their actions.. but every time you look, they have their leg cocked and it looks like they're about ready to kick you again.

 

You two had a huge obsticle to overcome, and without building an incredibly solid base of trust, then any relationship you had would crumple. It's amazing you lasted as long as you did, and I think it goes a long way to show that you did want to make the relationship work. But it had a very cancerous problem with it, that ate away at your bf until he couldn't handle it any more. I don't think either of you were "wrong".

 

I think instead of focusing on whether you think you're a bad person, or if he was wrong.. Just take a step back and focus on what you can do to become the person you want to become. Take a good look at what causes you to place so much value on how other people think of you. (ie: Are you seeking approval to bolster your self image?) Ways that you can build up your self-esteem so that you don't feel you need a guys approval. Otherwise, you run the risk of labeling yourself, and then living up to your label. You know who you are, and that you made a mistake, correct what internally caused you to make those mistakes and grow as an individual.

[AtAGlance]

Thanks again

 

Climbergirl - my exH never commented on my interactions with other people, so I have always assume he was happy with the way I behaved.

 

Walk - thanks for your comments. The final paragraph raised some interesting points.

 

Insecurities and approval seeking have been parts of my character since I was very young. It is not an excuse as many people go through this, but until I was about 17 I was quite a lonely child and was bullied by others at school and in my social interactions. As a result (IMO) I clung onto any relationships I did make and made sure that I did not offend the people in question in case they walked away and left me. I am now 47 years old and have a successful career, but in my darkest moments I still think I have been promoted "by mistake" as i can't really be that good.

 

A final thought that I had - in over 30 years I have never spent a substantial period of time on my own. My relationships have either been pretty much back to back or as in this case overlapping. As a result I don't think I have ever learnt to be ME or to be comfortable with ME as a seperate identity. Some time on my own would probably do me good.

 

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