My Mom is dying and I feel relieved .

[tinktronik]

I feel like a horrible person for writing that . Any of you who have followed my posts know that my mother was my abuser and tormenter for many years even after I ran as fast as I could from the nest at 14 .

I keep thinking should'nt I feel something else ?, like remorse or like I wished we had more or something ?.but I don't, I feel relief . My aunt called me talked to me about it and said "oh I know your not conciousless you feel something." But I don't .

So , she has late stage uterine cancer and it has spread already so the docs give her very little chance . Shes going to go out bad , and no one will be there for her , shes already blown through all the money she had . I just feel like , well thats the life she lived .

 

Shes been calling me asking for money or lodging , but I don't want her here , shes crazy and dangerous .I dont even think I've ever told her where I lived .

So am I completely wrong for feeling this way ? Is this at least somewhat normal or am I ,oh , shoot I just don't know?

[whichwayisup]

She hurt you so badly so ofcourse your reaction is going to be what it is. Mothers aren't supposed to act like your mom did with you - I am so sorry that you had to suffer because of her.

 

You have a right to your anger, resentment and ofcourse, not feeling any guilt because she's ill and dying.

 

Do you feel you need closure? If not, then live your life and don't feel bad, and DO NOT let anybody else make you feel bad either.

 

As for the money, your Aunt can help her.

[Jane Doe]

I understand exactly what you're going through. It's hard to grieve the devil. I know somewhere deep inside you there's a little girl longing for what could have been. The reality, however, is that it was hell. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. (((big hugs)))

[tinktronik]

Thankyou , both of you . I do not think that i grieve the lost connection of mother daughter anymore at all, I feel more like a child now than I ever have and I know that I have worked myself into that situation because of my lost childhood . but I like where I am at now . It is reasuring that I do not have to feel remorsefull of sad over her and to have others think I am not warped in some way because of it .

I am still terrified of the woman and know that indeed (although her own damage has caused it )she is a horrible person , horrible , and the best thing is to stay away .but in some sick way it almost makes me happy that she will suffer , like " well its about time or she deserves it ." I feel bad about wanting that for her and at the same time I don't want anyone to suffer either . i know that is wrong.

[whichwayisup]

She hurt you more than she'll ever know...And maybe her dying feels like she's abandoning you all over again. Even though you're not close with her, she's still your mom. We're all brought up to love our parents, no matter what...Yet, when they do something to hurt their kids, sometimes that's unforgivable, like what she did to you, and it makes you stop loving them. Hope that makes sense. It did in my head!!

[tinktronik]

I don't know .its kind of like when you hear about or see someone doing something terrible to an animal . I read a few months ago about this dog that was burned with chemicals by its owner and tortured on purpose . I had a automatic responce to hope for vengance and I thought about how sick that person must be to do something like that . Then later you hear about court sentancing and you feel relieved that the person will not be able to continue hurting animals .

Thats how i feel.

[whichwayisup]

I'm speechless, never have I read a post that describes such an awful and sick feeling before...

 

Try not to think about her and what you are feeling too much. Try being the operative word here.

 

Sorry and I hope you are going to be alright.

[tinktronik]

I'm speechless, never have I read a post that describes such an awful and sick feeling before...

 

Try not to think about her and what you are feeling too much. Try being the operative word here.

 

Sorry and I hope you are going to be alright.

Sorry if I shocked you . That was just the closest I could get to the emotional thought processing . I won't worry about it . I just wondered if there was something wrong with me , thats all . Thanks for your support WW.

[whichwayisup]

Nah, not a bad shock - just a surprised one. It made me feel how you're feeling.

 

You're welcome and anytime.

[Ripples]

I think what you feel is perfectly acceptable. In my opinion, it shows you are emotionally healthy. If someone, and it doesn't matter who, treats you badly, you would be pretty unhealthy if you still craved their love/approval/whatever. Good for you!

[alphamale]

I really don't know what to say TINK....I just hope things work out whichever way you want them to.

[Woggle]

If my mother died I don't know if I could find it in my heart to grieve for her. I don't wish death on anybody put she caused me so much pain that I doubt I could ever feel anything for her so I understand where you are coming from.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know your complete history but it sounds like she's only your birth mother. Any woman who abuses a child, nevermind her own child, deserves nothing. Don't feel guilty.

[alphamale]

I don't know your complete history but it sounds like she's only your birth mother. Any woman who abuses a child, nevermind her own child, deserves nothing. Don't feel guilty.

I don't fully agree...maybe TINKs mom was abused herself or had a mental illness or substance abuse problems. I don't know. But she was the mother either way.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't fully agree...maybe TINKs mom was abused herself or had a mental illness or substance abuse problems. I don't know. But she was the mother either way.

A substance abuser has made a selfish personal choice. Someone who's been abused herself also makes a personal choice to continue or break the cycle. A child has no choice and is forced to live with being abused.

 

As for a mental illness, many mental illnesses require the mentally ill to agree to take treatment and to admit they have an illness, such as schizophrenia or depression. Again, a personal choice.

[alphamale]

A substance abuser has made a selfish personal choice. Someone who's been abused herself also makes a personal choice to continue or break the cycle.

Part is personal choice and part may be genetic. Who knows?

 

A child has no choice and is forced to live with being abused.

its the luck of the draw I guess...

 

As for a mental illness, many mental illnesses require the mentally ill to agree to take treatment and to admit they have an illness, such as schizophrenia or depression. Again, a personal choice.

being born with a genetic anomaly that makes you life harder is never a "personal choice"...once again its the luck of the draw.

[Ripples]

It's a personal choice to continue the cycle of abuse, it's a personal choice whether to seek treatment, it's a personal choice whether to act out on others.

[Woggle]

My mother was abused as a child but that still gave her no excuse to abuse me and I would have no excuse to abuse my child.

[alphamale]

It's a personal choice to continue the cycle of abuse, it's a personal choice whether to seek treatment, it's a personal choice whether to act out on others.

oh so lets see RIPPLES.....when an autistic child doesn't talk it is a personal choice? when same kids smears feces on the wall its a personal choice? when someone with severe clinical depression hangs themselves it is personal choice? You are full of it

[alphamale]

My mother was abused as a child but that still gave her no excuse to abuse me and I would have no excuse to abuse my child.

Life isn't as black and white as that brother....

[Ripples]

Alpha, I don't care what you're going through at the moment, you have absolutely no right whatsoever, to be abusive to me.

 

I feel that it was perfectly clear that I was not referring to children in my post. To clarify further, as an adult, we have personal choice whether to seek treatment, continue the cycle of abuse etc.

 

Suicide has no relevance to the point of this thread, abusive parents.

[BabyPhoenix]

I think what you feel is perfectly acceptable. In my opinion, it shows you are emotionally healthy. If someone, and it doesn't matter who, treats you badly, you would be pretty unhealthy if you still craved their love/approval/whatever. Good for you!

 

I couldn't agree more. I am sure that there are some who might argue that she is your mother, and you have some responsibility towards her. However, I think that your first responsibility is towards yourself, and your own well-being. If someone is that toxic and elicits such a virulent response from you, best that you keep your distance.

[a4a]

Hey Tink no need to feel guilty over this or for that matter even feel angry. She is a person who was not good to you, she was not a mother, and you owe her nothing.

[bab]

Tink,

It sounds to me that you grieved the loss of a mother years ago, and have moved on. That's a good thing. This is just something that you've already dealt with coming to fruition. The human emotion is a strange thing, but it doesn't do you or anybody else any good to chastise yourself for the way you feel or don't feel.

--Bab

[tinktronik]

I don't fully agree...maybe TINKs mom was abused herself or had a mental illness or substance abuse problems. I don't know. But she was the mother either way.

My mother did abuse substances sometimes , at least that we know of . It is bandied about that her father may have been molesting her and she is diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder case. But she could have not used drugs , It sucks that she was molested but I did not molest her .And as to her mental illness , she never sought help , never accepted it , and just because she was mentally ill was not an excuse to snap everytime she felt like it . even the mentally ill have moments where they make a choice.