My Mom is dying and I feel relieved .

[tinktronik]

Thanks all,

I do think that I have gotten over any motional attachment to my mother , for a long time shes sent these long letters stating how her life is empty and that she hopes I fix whatever problems I have , ect ect . She has never admitted to the abuse , although everyone was aware of it , because really , how could you not be? Alpha , I can see your point , everyone deserves compassion ,Im sure my mother deserves compassion at some level and has done some nice things somewhere ; but Im not sure she deserves it from one of the people she abused . She had a messed up life brought on at least in part by another messed up person. However that like I said before does not excuse her actions,I could name at least 10 people that become physically ill and leave the area if my mother comes around .I am one of them .

i don't know if you can understand the situation unless you have been in it or at least the emotional situation , the actuall physicall memories are in my head like some warped story that these days I just shake my head at.

[Trialbyfire]

Part is personal choice and part may be genetic. Who knows?

Part maybe genetic but which ever way it is, it can be helped by the substance abuser choosing not to imbibe, inject, or inhale.

 

its the luck of the draw I guess...

No, it's not the luck of the draw. A child should be treasured, not abused or violated. This isn't solely physical abuse I'm talking about, it's also mental abuse. An adult has power over the child, they brought the child into the world, they need to take full responsibility for the child's mental, emotional and physical health.

 

being born with a genetic anomaly that makes you life harder is never a "personal choice"...once again its the luck of the draw.

The vast majority of abusive homes are centered around mental health and substance abuse issues. The vast majority of abusive birth parents choose not to accept their problems.

 

Don't get me wrong because my family is very, very important to me. I just don't believe that blood relationships entitle you to love or respect, if you abuse the right. You can also learn to love and respect non-blood related people and embrace them into your family too. Examples: Good foster parents, adoptive parents, an older female mentor who replaces your abusive birth parent(s).

[the_alchemyst]

Well, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit conflicted, Tink.

 

I don't think you need to worry about how you should feel, and just let your feelings be, instead. Everyone reacts to situations in a different way, and much is based on your personality, and we all know that personally is greatly crafted by our experiences.

 

That said, you feeling the way you do is simply the way you feel; I don't think there is a right or wrong here.

 

Just don't worry about and think instead that now you won't have to deal with these painful memories in a more physical and concrete way, instead.

 

 

 

It's a personal choice to continue the cycle of abuse, it's a personal choice whether to seek treatment, it's a personal choice whether to act out on others.

 

It's not as cut and dry as this.

[Guest]

Holy crap - its amazing that someone knows exactly how I feel. I am almost in tears because I thought I was alone, everyone is telling me how I SHOULD feel and what an awful person I am for feeling nothing but contempt toward a certain person in my family, who has abused me ever since I was 2 years old.

 

I'm writing just to tell you that your words, even though we have never met, you have a soul sister who understands and supports you completely. The person I'm referring to is also dying and I'm undecided about going over there for Thanksgiving. Yet again my brother is saying how awful I am for not going to be with her even though she is dying and it is the last thanksgiving we will have. Cry me a river, hell if I care! I get knots in my stomach just thinking about going to that house. When she dies it will be one of those funerals where no one is crying. Well, her two favorite kids will be crying but everyone else will go, sit there, listen, and realize that nothing has been lost by her death. I feel like that little girl you described who's crying for what she never had - for not having had something so fundamentally basic as a loving family, a family that doesn't humiliate you at every opportunity, a family where you feel safe and not like running away, people who you can actually trust are there for you. For so many years I was trying so hard because I really thought if I tried hard they would love me back, and lend a helping hand or if nothing else a word of encouragement, and if not that, then at least just say nothing and stop humiliating and abusing us. What a waste.

 

I'm not sad she's dying because I'm losing absolutely nothing, if anything I'm gaining peace of mind. I mourn more for my puppy who died last month - she was a sweet dog, a source of so much unquestioning love.

 

At least, when I have a family of my own, I will never make those mistakes and know that when I die I have done as much as possible to send love and encouragement to everyone I could. What's shocking is that other people turned a blind eye and made it possible for her to abuse us the way she did.

[tinktronik]

UUUGGGHHH , Im just so tired of my mom's family . There is always some weirdness and seprateness associated with anything to go on with her side of the family . Its like there is an imaginary rule book somewhere.

 

So I got the invite to my Dads side for Thanksgiving , It was at his older sisters house whom I have not seen in probably 15 years . i asked my dad was I invited . He said " honey ofcourse your invited , why would you have to ask? Your family . " I could not go though as it was 6 hours away and I have to be back to work today .

 

Ill tell you why I had to ask . My mom's family is so strange . i don't see my mother because as stated above shes crazy . Myhalf sister and Ai don't talk because we don't really have anything in common , and she's more like my mother than I'm comfortable with , we have not on either side made any attempt to stay in touch . My half brother is usually in some jail or other or off where no one knows where he is . My grandfather does not speak to me , I don't know why , he just does not . Its so weird.

I've been close with my moms sister . Her son, who i spent much of my childhood with as a sibling , got married last year but they could not invite me for fear my mother and sister would insist on comming too or make a big stink about not being invited. This year thanksgiving I was told that they were not having thanksgiving untill Friday and would I please come down and see them 4 hours away they would make a special dinner . I can't as I have to work but was going to go later in a few weeks . Well, I find out they did have thanksgiving thursady , they had grandpa over though and could not invite me , not that I even know what the problem is ? My aunt says she did not want me to feel bad so she said it was not untill friday , and was trying to protect me from the strangeness of the family.

Im just so tired of all the weirdness and the secrecy and the lies and the hurt feelings . It seems like my aunt is working to minimize my hurt feelings , but at the same time hiding things too.

 

Its just too weird . I have my dads family who is normal , loving and has its problems but would never get to be like this ever . Im seriously considering writing off my moms side and moving on with my dads family because its just easier.

[blind_otter]

As for a mental illness, many mental illnesses require the mentally ill to agree to take treatment and to admit they have an illness, such as schizophrenia or depression. Again, a personal choice.

 

Not really. Read up on mental illness. There is little choice in the matter. I worked with severely and persistently mentally ill individuals in an inpatient setting in undergrad.

 

Now I'm mentally ill. Go figure.

 

But my choice to get help is more fueled by those who love and support me, who keep encouraging me or even forcing me to continue treatment. Mental illness is not something that really allows a lot of choice.

 

I'm just saying.

[blind_otter]

It's a personal choice to continue the cycle of abuse, it's a personal choice whether to seek treatment, it's a personal choice whether to act out on others.

 

I disagree 1000%. Mentally ill individuals rarely seek treatment on their own. That's the whole ****ing point of being mentally ill.

 

I should know. I am.

[blind_otter]

My mother did abuse substances sometimes , at least that we know of . It is bandied about that her father may have been molesting her and she is diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder case. But she could have not used drugs , It sucks that she was molested but I did not molest her .And as to her mental illness , she never sought help , never accepted it , and just because she was mentally ill was not an excuse to snap everytime she felt like it . even the mentally ill have moments where they make a choice.

 

I don't know what to say. The grief will hurt more because of all this other stuff. You have an opportunity to learn the greatest lesson in compassion because it's not about her, at this point. It's about you.

 

I just came out of the closet on your thread about being mentally ill but yes. I am mentally ill. I have moments where I am not rational and no one can reach me. I have moments where all they can do is pump me full of tranquilizers. I have moments where I hurt those around me and it is NOT MY CHOICE.

[Ripples]

I disagree 1000%. Mentally ill individuals rarely seek treatment on their own. That's the whole ****ing point of being mentally ill.

 

I should know. I am.

 

I'm sorry that I offended you.

[Sup]

I feel like a horrible person for writing that . Any of you who have followed my posts know that my mother was my abuser and tormenter for many years even after I ran as fast as I could from the nest at 14 .

I keep thinking should'nt I feel something else ?, like remorse or like I wished we had more or something ?.but I don't, I feel relief . My aunt called me talked to me about it and said "oh I know your not conciousless you feel something." But I don't .

So , she has late stage uterine cancer and it has spread already so the docs give her very little chance . Shes going to go out bad , and no one will be there for her , shes already blown through all the money she had . I just feel like , well thats the life she lived .

 

Shes been calling me asking for money or lodging , but I don't want her here , shes crazy and dangerous .I dont even think I've ever told her where I lived .

So am I completely wrong for feeling this way ? Is this at least somewhat normal or am I ,oh , shoot I just don't know?

 

 

I can see why you DON'T want to help her, and feel the way you do. I'm sure that you havn't told us half of the stuff that went on in your home. I would have left that too. I read some of the Threads you started, I didn't read all of the thread through, just your starting post. Just my viewpoint, I'm surprised that she hasn't found or tried to find you by internet, phone listing, etc. Has she ever gone in for evaluation? Could it be Bi-Polar disorder, not that it would excuse her behavior at all. I hope you don't mind me asking, but, how was she brought up? Have you gone in for counseling, or evaluation yourself? Are you doing the best you can to ensure that you don't act toward your children and husband like your Mother did to you? Why I ask that, is because that can come out in the child who was raised in a home like that, it's like that's all they know, It's like a cycle that HAS to be broken. I can tell already from the way you're typing that you are at least trying not to be like your Mother. And to answer your question, NO, you're not wrong for feeling this way. I have read in another post in this thread that you don't want her or anyone else to suffer like that, to me, that's some remorse there. I just read a little about what you typed about your Grandfather, It's obvious to me, he KNOWS something........ I can only suggest that you do what you can to find out what he knows, he may ONLY talk after your Mother has passed. Lastly I hope this disorder, or whatever is not genetic.

[tinktronik]

I can see why you DON'T want to help her, and feel the way you do. I'm sure that you havn't told us half of the stuff that went on in your home. I would have left that too. I read some of the Threads you started, I didn't read all of the thread through, just your starting post. Just my viewpoint, I'm surprised that she hasn't found or tried to find you by internet, phone listing, etc. Has she ever gone in for evaluation? Could it be Bi-Polar disorder, not that it would excuse her behavior at all. I hope you don't mind me asking, but, how was she brought up? Have you gone in for counseling, or evaluation yourself? Are you doing the best you can to ensure that you don't act toward your children and husband like your Mother did to you? Why I ask that, is because that can come out in the child who was raised in a home like that, it's like that's all they know, It's like a cycle that HAS to be broken. I can tell already from the way you're typing that you are at least trying not to be like your Mother. And to answer your question, NO, you're not wrong for feeling this way. I have read in another post in this thread that you don't want her or anyone else to suffer like that, to me, that's some remorse there. I just read a little about what you typed about your Grandfather, It's obvious to me, he KNOWS something........ I can only suggest that you do what you can to find out what he knows, he may ONLY talk after your Mother has passed. Lastly I hope this disorder, or whatever is not genetic.

Very well written post Sup. I have in effect attempted to be a polar opposite of my mother , running from all confrontation . It has created it's own problems . I did not confront my first H when I should have and have never struck my children . For a long time I did not even raise my voice to them , but in growing , I realized it was okay to have balance and have set rules for them. My relationship is great with my current H .My life seemed to move onward and upward from the moment I cut my mother and sister out of my life . I have had evaluations with therapists and I have been judged mentally healthy considering my history .i do have problems with tension and venturing out into the world while not viewing it in a negative light , but I seem to be okay for the most part.

My mother is diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder case , she has been invoulentarily admitted to mental hospitals . I've done a lot of research on this topic in trying to understand my own upbringing , and the fact is that many many of the admitted cases of BPD are brought on by parental sexual abuse at a young age . The facts seem to fit this in the things I hear , but no one will admit. I have long term suspected this . So, my mother does have her reasons , as sad as that is . The theory is not that it is inherited but that it often runs in families because of the pattern of abuse down the line . I got a lot of free time from my mother when I was growing up as she would fly/drive / bus/train me at moments notice to some relative or other and forget about me for a few years . So I got many examples of normalcy and what a loving family is . thankyou again Sup.

[tinktronik]

I don't know what to say. The grief will hurt more because of all this other stuff. You have an opportunity to learn the greatest lesson in compassion because it's not about her, at this point. It's about you.

 

I just came out of the closet on your thread about being mentally ill but yes. I am mentally ill. I have moments where I am not rational and no one can reach me. I have moments where all they can do is pump me full of tranquilizers. I have moments where I hurt those around me and it is NOT MY CHOICE.

I understand what you are saying , BO . However inbetween those moments, you have moments of clarity as well .In those moments you can make right descisions . My mother did not.

[alphamale]

I should know. I am.

I'm sorry to hear that B_0....but I sorta figured that out a long time ago. I think we all have some sort of similar problem(s), myself included. Maybe thats why we're on LS

[Antheia]

Is there any way at all that you can forgive your dying mum? Any way that you can make up with her and let her rest in peace? It's just that carrying hate and resentment towards someone can eat at you. You obviously don't feel 100% nothing regarding your mum dying or you wouldn't have posted this thread. Things are not all black and white, I'm sure your mum suffered greatly as well. It's an awfull situation for all involved. Please look inside yourself and ask if there is any way at all that you can make peace with her before she goes.

[tinktronik]

Is there any way at all that you can forgive your dying mum? Any way that you can make up with her and let her rest in peace? It's just that carrying hate and resentment towards someone can eat at you. You obviously don't feel 100% nothing regarding your mum dying or you wouldn't have posted this thread. Things are not all black and white, I'm sure your mum suffered greatly as well. It's an awfull situation for all involved. Please look inside yourself and ask if there is any way at all that you can make peace with her before she goes.

have you actually read the thread Anthia? I do not hold hatred towards my mother , there is nothing left to forgive and she does not want acknolodgement much less forgiveness. I do not resent my mother I pity the life she has , it must be so difficult for her to realize what she has done. I know my mother suffered greatly . I have peace within myself , my mother will never have peace , for in her mind the world is a dark and horrid place and everyone is out to get her , so she must be angered and get them before they can get her.

Its not any of the things that you seem to feel i am holding against my mother . the woman is simply a stranger for the most part that when i did happen to be in her presence was violent towards me at a time when I was defenseless and often abandoned me when it suited her .once in mossouri in the dead of the winter with no electricity as her apartment was being reclaimed by the landlord for 6 weeks I lived there alone , i was 6 . When I finnally called an aunt collect , she came and got me , my mothers claim "oh I forgot her , i don't have time to deal with this." the woman is pathological , really , I do understand that , but she is DANGEROUS , any attempt from me to have contact with her ends in her attempting to destroy my life . False calls to police with false claims , calls to my job claiming outrageous things, calls to my family , my children ect . All very damaging if she is believed . And she does these things to anyone within her sphere.She hurts and wants others to suffer her pain. Its very hard to understand if you have never been a party to it .

Why would any logical person with no or very little emotional ties to a person this way , willingly submit themselves to this .That sounds crazy to me. I am relieved she is dying , so she will never again be able to pull any of this crap , and she will leave my children alone. They will not be influenced by her hatred.

[Trialbyfire]

Not really. Read up on mental illness. There is little choice in the matter. I worked with severely and persistently mentally ill individuals in an inpatient setting in undergrad.

 

Now I'm mentally ill. Go figure.

 

But my choice to get help is more fueled by those who love and support me, who keep encouraging me or even forcing me to continue treatment. Mental illness is not something that really allows a lot of choice.

 

I'm just saying.

Actually, I do know quite a bit about certain mental illnesses because I grew up with it to an extent through a couple of extended family members. If you reread my post you will see that I only specified certain illnesses and that the patient must consent to treatment. That is the first step to getting help. If the treatment is not consented to, the medical profession can do nothing unless you get a court order and usually, you can't get one unless the severity level of the patient is extreme to the point of being a physical danger to those around them.

 

If no one speaks up on behalf of the abused child, they are trapped in the abusive situation.

[Guest]

rember, anger is not at all what you wont to rember your mom with. I know that she has done you wrong and that she has made you feel like you are not worthy but look where she is now. all that she has done to you and she knows it too I will lay my life on it and she is now having to ask you for help. there is nothing wrong in humbleing yourself to help her. I know.....she has done you wrong but I am in your shoes. my mother n law lost her mind!!!! I mean that forreal.

 

she tried to treat me so low during the time me and my husband were married. we still are but anyway, she was so mean to me and always degrated my family in front of my face and she even told the neborhs that she was going to make it so miserible for me that I would leave her son and that I was worthless lots and lots of stuff but in her lowest time of need she had to humble herself to me and I took care of her. now I am free of any anger I had and I am free to know that I did what was right and helped her.

 

you see what I am trying to say is you will eventualy come to a point in your life as you grow older and when you have children and you will wish you did something different and it will eat ant you and first will start out to be a little speck but will rub and rub without you even knowing that it is rubbing and will make a sore and that sore will grow and grow. pour salt onto the wound now and do what you can cause I think in the long run you will be happy within yourself what you do.

 

it is the hardest thing but just rember God says you forgive no matter how many times and if you forgive then you can proceed in your life with no hate and you will be free.

[a4a]

pour salt onto the wound now and do what you can cause I think in the long run you will be happy within yourself what you do.

 

it is the hardest thing but just rember God says you forgive no matter how many times and if you forgive then you can proceed in your life with no hate and you will be free.

 

 

Forgiving is one thing but exposing yourself to harm over and over again is not healthy. At times you can just not want to share your life with another person for no other reason than just not wanting to do so, it is unhealty and a risk not worth taking. No hate involved. But more likely to preserve the peace you have already achieved with the person within yourself.

 

Some people can honestly say "I just really don't care" without a hint of guilt or hatred.

[Zippy]

I'd just like to say, I wouldn't blame you for dancing on her grave if she was severley abusive towards you, doesn't matter whether she is your mum or not.

 

I'm so surprised by the responces on here, I remember reading another topic ages ago before I joined where everyone was arguing with a guy saying it's bad to call your mum a bitch even if she was abusive towards you.

[magichands]

I'd just like to say, I wouldn't blame you for dancing on her grave if she was severley abusive towards you, doesn't matter whether she is your mum or not.

Dancing on someone's grave isn't exactly my brand of forgiveness.

I'm so surprised by the responces on here, I remember reading another topic ages ago before I joined where everyone was arguing with a guy saying it's bad to call your mum a bitch even if she was abusive towards you.

Fighting fire with fire?! Prepare to get burned.

[Zippy]

A person who is horrible, unless they have truely changed their ways and have made up for their evil ways or has been punished for them, does not deserve forgiveness.

 

I'm not quite sure which fantasy world you're living in, but it certainly ain't the real one, like a lot of people I've noticed on Loveshack, no offense.

 

As for fighting fire with fire, it will not always get you burnt. Think about Hitler.

[CardPlay3r]

Well I haven't even read half of the replies, but I want to say this :

 

tinktronik you did the right thing, I hate it that abused people still keep contact with their abusers...she does not deserve love, confort, money or anything...

[Zippy]

Message deleted.

[tinktronik]

Guest, I think i stated before that this is not about forgiveness . I hold no hatred towards her . It's about keeping a dangeous person away from myself and being relieved she will not be around to continue on with her bitterness and abusiveness towards me or anyone else. I do already have children and most of all I am relieved she will not be able to poison their childhoods in any way .lastly , you can in no way equate a hatefull mother in law to a parent who abused you when you were a small child , its not at all the same thing .

many of you seem to be getting what I am saying though , I think perhaps the rest have not had experiance with a truly dangerous person at this point in their lives.