Signs or not?

[Sora]

Sit down, get some popcorn or something to munch on, and kick back as I relate to you a sad tale.

 

About 10 weeks ago I met the most wonderful girl I've ever met at a dance. Funny, smart, cute, and real, she was a snappy dresser, had a great smile, and could dance like no one I had ever met. One thing led to another, and as the night had wound down, we had made out, 2 times.

 

The next week, I gave her poems expressing my care; she accepted them and told me she loved me. I foolishly believed her.

Later, we sat down and snuggled on the lawn as I waited for my ride. I told her about me and everything; bad included. She seemed to care, and expressed concern at the bad parts especially.

 

The next day we went out to dinner at Applebee's, which was great; we got to know each other, and after a lovely evening I went home and she did as well.

 

Then the next week, it was the same; loving expressions, kissing, etc. etc, and all seemed well. We had another date which couldn't have gone smoother.

 

However, the next week I was hit with a ton of bad news. My uncle, who I had loved and trusted like a father, was dying; he is still fighting right now. My work was declining and I was in danger of repeating a class if I did not get the grade up; chances looked thin. Then one of my best friends moved away.

 

All this took me on in one day. I could handle it, or at least I thought I could, because starting tuesday, I began to breakdown. I'd shake everywhere; teachers were so worried I almost got sent home. This continued until thursday, when I finally broke down and started crying in class. And when I turned to her for support, she wasn't there; she abandoned me, telling me that this was just a ploy for attention and that she wasn't buying it.

 

The next day was the civil war game between North and South high schools. I told her I wouldn't make it, and she didn't seem to care. So, to surprise her, I showed up unexpectedly. I had a great time; all the cares of the world floated away. But somehow, she brought up the issue of my shaking again, because it had started, I suppose; and then she and I argued about it. Before things got too nasty my friend seperated us, and for the next hour I cried uncontrollably. I left the game without a goodbye, and all through the crying I was left alone, with only her best friend to comfort me. Which in itself is nice, I suppose.

 

The next day, I was taken to town with my mother. She took me to a doctor to talk about my shakes, and the doctor, being the genius that he was, decided it may be best to lock me in a "Psychiatric Examination Clinic" for a period of 72 hours, to monitor me.

Naturally, my mother declined, signing a waiver that held her personally responsible for all consequences of any actions I take.

 

So, life went on- until I recieve a phone call from her best friend.

"Hey, how's it going man?"

"It goes," I had replied, surly and on the edge of tears.

"So, I hear you and her broke up."

At this point I broke down over the phone, trying to regain myself. But it was lost, and I just said through tears:

"When did this happen? Why?"

She informed me that had it really happened I would've been the first to call. Clearly, she was dumping me, not a group dump at all.

 

So I called my girlfriend directly. What she told me next would make my previous episodes look like trailers.

"Hi."

"Hey..how's it going..."

".."

An awkward silence ensued.

"Can you tell me," I asked through tear-shot eyes,

"What happened at the football game?"

Another moment of silence.

"Hello?"

"Yes?"

"What happened at the football game?"

Another silence, this time shorter before she broke it.

"Can I call you back?"

"Okay."

She hung up, and I cried my eyes out, yet again.

For five more minutes, I cried. At the end of that five minutes she called.

"Hello?"

"Hi......."

"So....what-"

"Look, I can only say this once, once, and once only, and I will say it as quickly as I can."

I heard her breath in deeply.

"Things are really rough for me right now, and I know they're rough for you but I just can't take this, I hope you understand but this is very hard on me, and I want you to know that I can't be with you as long as you're unstable like this, I hope you understand, maybe later we can try again, but for now you and I need to seperate, I hope you understand."

"I understand...

"I'm so sorry, Lost."

"I love you.."

And she hung up.

 

For the next 4 weeks we didn't speak to each other; she had nothing to say, and I had so much to say but no way to say it. Those four weeks, for me, were hell; and as they should've been. It was very hard for me to adjust, for I was driven by her and her alone, before. But now I had to find something else to drive me. And I did:

 

Moving on.

 

So, the next four weeks I spent repairing the damage, recovering from what she had done, never giving up. I blamed myself, and still do; for I was a fool. I was stupid to play knight in shining armor, laying myself bare to the fair maiden who worked for the enemy king. She stabbed me in my heart, removed it, and left me to die.

 

But I would not quit. I lived each day like a week, doing everything asked of me. I would cry almost daily, and my shaking became much worse. Over the first two weeks I had been reduced to crying every 3 hours, almost like a clock. Luckily a friend was nearby all the time.

 

Her best friend supposedly. But no, she was mine, she had told me. Ever since then, I have thanked her every day for supporting me, providing me with a support when the roof was about to fall on my head.

 

Now, I performed a little ritual that helped me get over her. I lit four candles, 2 incense, the four candles representing each week we dated and the insense each date we had.

 

I listened, nay, screamed to the Rammstein song Stein Um Stein, rolling a clip of every moment of our weeks together in my head. And when this was all done, every detail recalled, I took everything she had given me, set it aflame, and watched it become ashes. I then gathered them, and scattered them to the winds.

 

Today is the day after that, and today, I felt more at peace than ever. I feel as though, "the storm has calmed", as some would say; I feel finished.

 

But no, fate has more in store for me.

 

She came up to me today, while I was in the library, and waved at me and smiled, saying "Hi", in that oh-so-cute way she does. Later, she almost hugged me, but I told her I had to move forward.

Later, at the end of the day, she was in my last class. I ignored her. But I could feel her staring at me, and I caught it out of my eye.

 

She has made nothing short of utmost effort to pass me by since we've broken up. She's come up to the counter while I was on librarian duty, talked and herded my best friends away from me, and sometimes while I go OUT OF MY WAY to be away from her, she appears.

 

I don't know what message she's sending to me. I have, however, convinced myself that one of the three is possible:

 

"I'm available, and ready to try again." -I believe this to be the least likely.

"I am so confident that I will move past my ex-boyfriend, and treat him as a friend, even though we hurt eachother deeply, without so much as a second thought." - I consider this more likely.

"I'm ready to be your friend."- Most likely, in my opinion.

 

 

I don't know how to proceed at this point. Should I continue to ignore her, or at least try to, as I have been? Should I act on her sudden signs of affection? Or should I just wait and see what happens?

 

 

 

I will keep you updated daily. Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

 

 

Sincerely and Respectfully,

LostAndConfused