Woggle Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Right now I am watching my friend go through a nasty divorce and it always in the back of my mind that one day my wife might walk out on me. This is why I really don't want to have kids with her and why I am glad she is leaning towards not wanting children. If we were to get a divorce I don't want children to be affected. I just keep wondering if she regrets getting married or is she really miserable. Is she putting up a front when she pretends to be happy to see me? Does she talk about hpw unhappy she is with her friends? I don't talk about this with her because I don't want her to deal with my issues but one day I will explode. I try to use this board and therapy as a forum to get things off my chest. Link to post Share on other sites
brickaney Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Just be open with her. Give her a heads up that you need to have a serious talk with her and ask her what time/ day is best for her. If she can control when the discussion is going to happen then she will be more open to having it with you. When you do talk with her be completely honest. She married you for a reason> because she loves you. And she isn't going to leave you just because you have concerns and need to talk with her. By marrying you she decided that you were worth it even when you're insecure. You could be at rock bottom and she would be there for you. Just talk with her before it starts turning into resentment because that is when you're in trouble and should be concerned. Being honest with your spouse will eliminate resentment since there are no lies and nothing to hide. Don't let your insecurity fester and turn you into someone you're not. Talk with her!!! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I just keep wondering if she regrets getting married or is she really miserable. Just stop worrying about it. It will happen when you least expect it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Since I don't know the background to your relationship with your wife, it's difficult to really understand the full implications of your insecurity. Do you have reasons for your insecurities with her, such as uncomfortable signals, constant fighting or other indications of a potential end to your relationship? To generalize, usually open, honest communication is key, but it has to start early in a relationship. If you wait too long, sometimes it's impossible to close Pandora's box. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 Since I don't know the background to your relationship with your wife, it's difficult to really understand the full implications of your insecurity. Do you have reasons for your insecurities with her, such as uncomfortable signals, constant fighting or other indications of a potential end to your relationship? To generalize, usually open, honest communication is key, but it has to start early in a relationship. If you wait too long, sometimes it's impossible to close Pandora's box. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my issues with women in general. She has nothing for me to think she would hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 considering her age range...one of the reasons she married is a last ditch attempt to have kids. i've had much experience with women in the 35-45 age range who are childless... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my issues with women in general. She has nothing for me to think she would hurt me. Then I agree with brickaney, you need to start communicating in an open and honest fashion about your concerns. The sooner, the better. Don't let this type of uncertainty destroy something that has the potential for so much more. The two of you must have gotten married for reasons of mutual caring. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 RE: Either way, Woggle -with or without your insecurities, she will get what she wants. A Child . . . or Children. Your wife is with you, now. She likes you with your insecurities. The only way, for her to abandon you -God forbid -is IF you: (a) Cheat (b) Become an @sshole © Sexless or (d) All Three Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 , she will get what she wants. I definately agree with this S&W Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 She is as unsure about children as I am so I doubt that is why she married me. Despite the age difference we gel so well together. It is hard to explain but when I met her we had that feeling like we had known each all our lives. She waited this long to marry so if she decided to marry me but it is obvious she really wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 She is as unsure about children as I am so I doubt that is why she married me. Don't fall for that ruse. No woman is "unsure" about having kids. They know 100% whether they want or don't want. And about 95% want. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 This isn't an issue about her wanting kids or not, it's about his own insecurities. If you let fear dictate your life, it will and it will destroy your marriage. There are no guarnatees in life, that is something you, me and everyone else has to accept. You could die tomorrow, any of us could. We have to just live to enjoy today and hope the best for tomorrow. Instead of using fear as a guide for your marriage and life, tell yourself over & over again that you have a beautiful wife who loves you and is going to be with you for a very long time. Focus on the positives and try not to worry about things you cannot control. Good chance you had a bad experience before and fearing this will happen again. You might want to see a IC about this, if it's disrupting your life so much. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Woggle, having joined the Board after you have posted many of your insecurities...but also having taken the time to go back and read some...I will state the obvious with kindness. Please get some personal counseling. I am not sure how you would bring this up to her, but I would. The counseling would be for you not her. A counselor that is good will listen to you and help you come to reasonable solutions. Yes, I think your insecurities could ruin your marriage...not to scare you ...if you do not deal with them. But the opposite is true. Getting over them could help you tremendously in having a great marriage. If I remember, she is about my age...40 to 45. She really could be at the stage where she does not want children. Trust me..if she wanted children, I have a hard time believing that she hasn't been open, because she doesn't have time in her favor. BTW, having children was one of our best decisions, but you are young, and probably think you are too young also. That is okay. Every day in marriage can be scary if you let it. Your past will come back to haunt you the more you let it. Based on my reading your posts, you carry alot of resentment and distrust towards women...unhealthy. This needs to dealt with for your future "happiness." If I was in your situation, I definitely would go to counsleing. When I was 24 or so, I did have alot of issues I was carrying. I went to counseling, and it was a relief to unload. And yes, it helped me in my relationship with my future wife. Run, do not walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Why not try practising yoga or some other practise which teaches to live in the present moment. The idea is, that you are not alive in the past or the future, only in the now. What you are doing, is focussing on both the past and the future and ruining the now. Bringing the past, into worries about the future. Its unhealthy. I think most people have some insecurities, it is good that you recognise that these are your problem. Perhaps as the previous poster suggested, it would be good to have counselling too. Things like CBT also I think teach you ways to stop your mind getting stuck in negative thought patterns. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 What is going on with therapy Woggle? Did you stop going? My insecurity is going to destroy my marriage The truth - Yes. If you don't DO something about these obsessed negative thoughts you are the one who is going to hurt your wife so badly (and yourself) and ruin your marriage. She isn't the one who is going to leave, it will be you. Please, call your therapist and make an appointment, then sit down and talk to your wife about how you're feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 I am still in therapy but my sessions are from over. The problem is that I keep measuring my marriage against the marriages of other men I know and quite honestly most men I know are divorced or are married to nagging shrews who treat them like garbage but they afraid to leave because they will never see their children and will get screwed in divorce. I know I need to concentrate on just my marriage but when you see so much misery and heartbreak around you how do you I keep it from happening to us? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 Woggle, it's not a contagious disease. The reasons why their marriages are in shambles is because of a number of factors. One which is the lack of communication. Good communication keeps a relationship healthy. Just because you have friends that have bad marriages does NOT mean yours will turn bad. Just like if theirs were good, that's no guarantee that yours will be good. Concentrate on yours alone. Learn from the mistakes they made and use it to your advantage. Relax & just learn to enjoy her. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I find that when you hold back in a relationship, it's easy for the other person to sense it, even if they might not be able to put their finger on what's wrong right away... And it will make HER hold back in turn... I think that if you have insecurities you should at the very least talk them out with your wife. I think you'll feel much better when you get answers to what you're wondering about.. Also I've learned never to compare my relationship with other peoples'. No matter how the other person describes what happened to them, you'll never know the real reasons behind their fights, and there's always 2 sides to a story anyways. That and people often exaggerate when they're feeling miserable and only tell you the negative side. And when they're super happy they're not gonna tell you about how they used to fight evey night 2 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I am still in therapy but my sessions are from over. The problem is that I keep measuring my marriage against the marriages of other men I know and quite honestly most men I know are divorced or are married to nagging shrews who treat them like garbage but they afraid to leave because they will never see their children and will get screwed in divorce. I know I need to concentrate on just my marriage but when you see so much misery and heartbreak around you how do you I keep it from happening to us? You didn't marry a 'nagging shrew' did you? BTW, what often turns women into 'nagging shrews' are lazy, selfish husbands who come home after work, sit on their fat a$$es, drink, and do thing zero towards house upkeep or kid care - including the things they say they'll do. The 'nagging shrew' is usually trying to get the lazy fat @$$ to do the thing he said he'd do. So if you follow through when you promise to take the garbage out or bring home some vital thing you've promised to bring home, and if you continue to treat her well, you'll be fine. Men are not the pictures of innocence in this. You aren't living in those homes and have NO idea what kind of shyte the women have to deal with. It's your issues that paint all women with a black brush and all men with haloes of innocence. Believe me, there are a LOT of male jerks who women marry to their eventual grief. Don't be one of them. You have to fight your fears by fighting the illogic that causes them: #1 Illogical belief: all women are evil #2 Illogical belief: all men are saints #3 Illogical belief: things which happen to others are some sort of universal law that will play through in your own life Believing in these things is the equivalent of believing the world is flat. Not true and your believing them so won't make them so. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I'm glad to hear that you're still going and definately tell your therapist exactly what you are feeling and why. (what you said post 15) I know I need to concentrate on just my marriage but when you see so much misery and heartbreak around you how do you I keep it from happening to us? Noone can control the future, but you can control how you act in your own marriage. You can keep communicating with your wife, keep loving her, respecting her just as she will with you. Stay on that path, and try your best to shut out those insecure thoughts. Your therapist should be teaching you ways of coping better, to re-train your brain and change your thinking patterns so you won't let those thoughts take over and make you feel that your marriage might end, that your wife will leave you. Another thing, just for now - When you find yourself slipping and thinking too much, remember your wedding! Remember how much your wife loves you! And all the good feelings she brings out in you. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 woggle – a lot of what you've written reminds me of my husband when we first met. He'd been in two failed marriages and had a horrible outlook on relationships. Even though we tied the knot, he still was convinced I was going to do him wrong and I pretty much was the whipping girl for what went wrong in his previous marriages. it wasn't until we made a weekend marriage encounter retreat seven years ago that he began to understand how and why I viewed marriage the way I do, and it went a long, long way in helping him accept that I was staying for good. Even when one of us is at our worst behavior, we trust in the love that has been the foundation of our relationship. that weekend was a turning point for both of us, and when asked, he still says it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage. maybe this is what the two of you need – a good marriage enrichment session where you learn how to communicate more openly about what bothers you, but not worry about the stores of love being depleted. Remember, you can't "fix" those things unless you start to understand and accept her daily decision to be married with you. the child issue: it's been my personal experience that even while we're open to having kids, being older parents is not something I think would work for us. I'm 40, he's fixing to turn 54; it seems unfair to a child to have to deal with our old age when he or she is still little. For some of us, being childless is less of an issue as you get older because you're thinking of more than just wanting a baby ... Link to post Share on other sites
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