It's really hard sometimes - unrequited love

[Raleuse]

Not the first time I post about my best friend of the opposite sex whom I first befriended, then fell in love with, leading to a one-night stand (and my falling even harder for him of course). After that we kind of became FWB (no sleeping together but lots of sexual touching) but as our friendship blossomed on his part as well, the benefits have become less - I am guessing out of respect for me as he knows it only raises my hopes.

 

The problem is I still find it very hard not to fantasize about what-could've-beens and becoming horny when I see or even think about him. Sometimes I'm ok concentrating on the friendship then suddenly, like yesterday, I just get all melancholic and feel like crying knowing he does not want me the way I want him. He usually doesn't understand why I'm suddenly 'moody' and I just feel like going home and curling in my bed but just hang in there so that I don't hurt him (he'll think he's done something wrong for me to run away like that).

 

I know I should go out more and get on with my life but when I do, I think about him and no-one seems good enough. What can I do - I am NOT going to ruin this friendship by the way. He really likes me and I don't see why I should punish him by taking his best friend (me) away from him just because I can't get a grip.

[bluetuesday]

What can I do - I am NOT going to ruin this friendship by the way. He really likes me and I don't see why I should punish him by taking his best friend (me) away from him just because I can't get a grip.

 

see what you did? you made it that you're doing HIM a favour by sticking around. but what about what YOU need? in reality, i bet part of the reason you want to stick around him is that you hope he'll realise how great you are and change his mind about being with you.

 

i have been in a situation very similar to this, only i was the one liked by the other person, who was my best friend.

 

the simple answer is that you are making it horribly hard for yourself hanging around him, and ultimately the friendship will suffer as a result. there is only so much grief you can take. i know it seems impossible to be apart, and it would be hard, but this cannot end well. if you like someone to the extent you are getting upset by being around them, you have to stop being around them. at the very least, you have to stop allowing them to have a hold over your thoughts and desires.

 

if you truly are still hooked on him to the extent you 'cant stop' fantasising about him and getting horny, the ONLY way to get over this is to put some distance between you so you can have time to heal. right now you are constantly picking off the scab on the wound. no wonder you're not getting better. it doesn't have to be for ever.

 

i'm not saying you can't pick up the friendship again in the future. but right now it isn't working for you and by not addressing the issue you're just dragging out the inevitable when you will have to take responsibility and face it.

 

however wonderful a friend you think he is, and i'm sure he is, you can't ruin your life and your opportunity for finding someone else because he wants to be your friend. being friends with someone you fancy or love in an unrequited, romantic way NEVER works. ever.

[FataMorgana]

thanks bluetuesday, really needed to hear those words today as well, great post and advice!

[Raleuse]

i know it seems impossible to be apart, and it would be hard, but this cannot end well. if you like someone to the extent you are getting upset by being around them, you have to stop being around them. at the very least, you have to stop allowing them to have a hold over your thoughts and desires.

 

if you truly are still hooked on him to the extent you 'cant stop' fantasising about him and getting horny, the ONLY way to get over this is to put some distance between you so you can have time to heal. right now you are constantly picking off the scab on the wound. no wonder you're not getting better. it doesn't have to be for ever.

 

I know your advice is sound and taking some 'time off' at least would be the sane thing to do but I just can't. The only thing I can do is try and get him out of my thoughts and desires as you put it. I can do it sometimes but it doesn't last. I just need to start dating again - even if I don't really feel like it right now.

 

I see him daily (he's my neighbour) so it would not be practical to avoid him without snobbing him. Also, he brings me so much that I don't want to loose as we share common interests/activities. But more importantly, he just fell out with his best friend this summer and altho he told me he didn't want to get too attached to me for this reason, I stood by him and his friendship for me did grow. Now that he really trusts me, it would be the final blow to just leave him "so that I can move on".

 

So I truly hope this will be the exception to the rule and that I will not ruin the friendship with my stupid, pointless obsession. I HAVE TO get over him without letting him down.