VERY LONG POST BUT I NEED GUIDANCE! Is it really over?

[YMA]

I had been dating a guy who I thought was "the one" for almost 2.5 years. Things were great. His family adores me. My family adores him. His friends love me and constantly tell me I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. However around summertime I started feeling neglected and like he takes me for granted. We live down the hall from each other in a condo complex. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry for us. I even remind him of when to pay bills and send out his payments for him. Around February/March of 2006 he quit his job to become a loan officer. As a loan officer his pay is entirely commission based. He makes money only if he can get people to use him as their loan officer for their home purchases. So he’s been working himself to death… he would work 7 days a week and as much as necessary. He would have clients calling him until 1 am and then the next morning as early as 7am. A few of my friends in this industry have told me how hard it is when you start off… it’s essentially like owning your own business and if you don’t put as much effort and time into it when you start it’ll never take off and clients who you don’t give your full attention to will never use you again b/c there are so many other options out there. So he’s been really focused on his career. Some months he does great, others he is barely making ends meet. And I know his job has been stressing him out. When he comes home all he wants to do is sit and veg out and watch tv. On weekends he just wants to go out and drink and party with his buddies. Granted he’s perfectly happy if I come along and asks me to come, but I feel like that’s all we do. 2 months ago I was supposed to go on a trip and be out of the country for 3 weeks. We had plans and he was late because of work and the restaurant wouldn’t even seat us because he was 45 minutes late. We had dinner somewhere else and then after dinner he had to go back home to do more work. Obviously this really irritated me.

 

Finally 3 weeks ago I told him we had to talk. We’ve had this talk before and he said he’d try and I know he has tried to make an effort, but it really wasn’t enough. For 2 hours we talked and I told him that I’m fed up but I don’t know what to do. I love him and want to be with him but at the same time I wasn’t happy. I told him to just make a decision b/c I was sick of trying to figure out what to do. He went back and forth saying how much he loved me and how he didn’t want to lose me but that he knew he didn’t have the time to give me. He felt like he depended on me for so much. He said he wanted to marry me one day but if he couldn’t even take care of himself financially right now how could he take care of a wife and kids? He said right now he really just had to get his career rolling b/c if he didn’t do it now when would he ever get that chance? But at the same time he kept saying he loved me and didn’t want to lose me either. He kept going back and forth… couldn’t decide what he wanted. I guess I let my anger take over and I just said “You know what forget it. I’ll make it easy on you. It’s over” and I stormed out… he chased me but I went to my condo and shut the door and he left me alone. After a few hours I realized how stupid I was to let my anger take over… I went back to his place to talk it over… he said he’d always love me, but this was for the best b/c he couldn’t give me what I needed right now to make me happy and he didn’t want me sitting around waiting for him and growing resentful if it took him a long time to get himself together. He kept telling me how I was the best thing to ever happen to him and that he saw me in his future, but he didn’t want me waiting b/c it wasn’t fair. If a great guy came along he’d understand it if I didn’t wait. But he promised he wouldn’t let this breakup happen for no reason and that he’d work his butt off to get his life and career straightened out. He even mentioned that he knew it was highly possible that we’d end up still having sex after the breakup due to our feelings for each other and the fact that we lived so close in proximity, but he told me he had more respect for me than to do that and he didn’t want it to happen b/c it might ruin chances of us working things out one day. That night he held me while I wept and kept telling me how sorry he was for hurting me but that this was for the best. We fell asleep like that and in the morning we talked about the conditions of the breakup. He said he’d miss it if he didn’t get to talk to me or stay friends with me, but me, trying to be a hardass, told him that before we could be friends we’d have to not talk for a while first. He said “how about a few days”. I said “a week”. He said that was fine and I told him to make the initial contact.

 

That night I went out and got really upset b/c everyone we knew saw me and would come up to me asking about him. I ended up getting drunk and went home frustrated and hurt. I banged on his door but he wasn’t opening the door and I kept calling his phone but he didn’t pick up so I went to our front desk and borrowed the spare key and went into his room. He wasn’t there. I ended up taking some pain killers (being drunk I thought it was a smart idea and that they’d kill the pain in my heart). I spilled the bottle next to the bed by accident and passed out on his bed. I called him a few hours later when I awoke and he picked up and asked where I was. I told him I was in his room. Apparently he had at his friends place downstairs watching tv and fell asleep the night before. He came up and I told him how frustrating it was the night before with everyone coming to me asking about him and he understood. He then saw the pills and got angry and told me to stop endangering myself, etc. He eventually had to leave and asked me if I’d go back to my place so he could lock up. I refused and told him to just give me back the spare key I had before and that I’d lock it up myself when I was ready to leave. I then demanded a time frame of when we could talk and be friends again and what was going to happen. He became frustrated and just asked that we take it on a week by week basis. He then left.

 

I was definitely hurt and confused and moped around. A few days passed by and I had some problems in my condo so I went to his place to ask him for help. He came over and took a look and fixed it. Then he asked me how I had set up my heater b/c he was having problems with it over at his condo and I showed him the settings. When he was about to leave he gave me a hug and that just triggered something. I asked him to give me some time… that I wanted to talk. He was hesitant but finally agreed. I told him I wanted to try to make things work. That I understood his needs for his career and I was willing to support him and that I really thought we could make things work together. He said he didn’t think it was going to work if we got back together right away. He felt like we had already tried and it had failed and he wanted to take this time apart, reset ourselves and then see where it took us. I didn’t take this response very well. I ended up begging, crying, doing everything wrong and seeming very pathetic. He got upset that I was being like this and kept telling me I was stronger than this and how I was reacting was not me. I refused to let him leave. I sat in front of the door crying and not letting him leave. When he reached for the door handle I’d pull him off it and stand there crying and asking him why he couldn’t give it another chance. I asked if he still loved me and he said “If I said no I’d be lying, but I can’t keep giving you hope. You need to move on.” I asked if we’d have a chance of getting back together and he said “I can’t predict the future. I can’t say for certain.” I kept him there for an hour and a half before finally letting him go. Before he left he basically said that he didn’t want to hear from me or see me for a month. That he was furious at how I was acting and that all he had asked for was a week and I couldn’t even give him that time. And he said even after that month he only wanted phone contact b/c he didn’t want me to stay in his condo and refuse to leave or keep him hostage in my place.

 

Over the course of the following week and a half I did everything wrong from going through all his emails and personal things, to going into his condo and snooping around (I still had his spare key). I didn’t leave him alone either… one day I’d go to him to tell him that I was ok with the space. I understood his needs and that I was going to give him the time he needed. Then a day later I’d instant message him and tell him he was an ******* and that I never wanted to talk to him again. I was having major emotional ups and downs. However, when I really needed him he was there. I was under a lot of stress from work and had a breakdown. I called him b/c he was always able to calm me down. He didn’t pick up so I figured he was very angry with me, but he called me back and even though he was very busy at work he talked to me for 20 minutes to console me and calm me down. The final contact we had was a bad one. I had gone through his myspace account and he had emailed some random girl that he had just met the weekend before and was flirting with her. He’s always been a flirt even before we dated. To him flirting really didn’t mean anything. He has only had 2 serious relationships with girls, me being one of them b/c he doesn’t open up to ppl that easily and he’s picky with who he’ll let himself fall in love with. So deep down I know that this girl means nothing to him and he’s just being a guy, but it still bothered me. So I went over to his place and asked him if there was another girl. He said there wasn’t and asked “Why would I leave one relationship to get into a relationship with someone else?” Then I asked if he still loved me and he said “You know… no I don’t love you anymore. All I’ve asked for some time and space… that’s it. You have not respected me enough to give me any of it. Instead you pushed and pushed and pushed. I’m so stressed at work and I come home to be more stressed by you and your constantly changing emotions. One moment you understand my needs the next moment you’re telling me I’m an *******. I can’t take this anymore.” So I asked if we’d ever have a chance of getting back together and his response was “I can’t predict the future but right now I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship with you ever again.” He asked that I leave b/c he needed to sleep b/c he had an early day the next morning at work. He said if I really wanted to finish the convo to contact him the next day to see if maybe we could talk but that he just wanted to get some rest right now.

 

Unfortunately the next day I confided in someone who I thought was a friend (shes a friend of both of ours) about how I had gone through his emails, etc. She told him everything and he changed all his pw’s to everything and even removed me as a friend on his myspace account! So now he knows that I’ve gone through his emails and invaded his privacy and that I’ve snuck into his room and poked around. After I found out she told him that I didn’t even bother to contact him that day to finish our talk that he had offered. I figured he’d be too mad to understand or listen.

 

What he doesn’t know is that when we first started dating my previous ex found out and got jealous… he took me hostage and kicked my legs bruising them really badly. Then he took a tie and put it around my neck and tried to strangle me. Then he made me have sex with him and kept saying he had to clean me out b/c I was dirty from sleeping with my recent bf and he’d question me on how big my recent bf was and if I liked sex with him. If I said anything he didn’t like he’d pull on the tie around my neck tighter. He finally took me back home later but threatened me saying he knew where I lived and where my recent bf lived. He also mentioned that he had taped us having sex while we had dated and he still had those tapes to release if I did anything stupid. I was scared and I really wanted things to work with the guy I was seeing so I didn’t tell anyone what had happened. I figured he wouldn’t want to deal with so much drama at the beginning of a relationship either. Then during the relationship when things were good I figured why say anything about it? And when things were bad I didn’t mention it b/c I figured he’d just get more upset. Now I regret it… I wish I had told him so he could be there to help me get through it. I feel like a lot of my “craziness” now is b/c of what had happened. I keep thinking that all that happened b/c I had really wanted things to work out between us and now all he wants is to focus on his career and I feel really neglected. I am going to start seeing a therapist next week and it’s been a lot easier ever since I finally told a few close friends about what happened.

 

But all in all, I’m still miserable b/c I feel like I really ruined any chance of us getting back together. All he had wanted was a little bit of time and space to figure things out but I kept pushing and nagging and begging. Doing all the wrong things. I can’t fix the past, but I’m trying to do better for the future. I’ve managed to leave him alone for a week and a half already. No emails, no showing up at his door, no instant messages, no phone calls. But I’m still confused.

 

Does he really mean it when he said he doesn’t love me anymore or was that more out of anger?

 

Will he ever forgive me for invading his space and privacy?

 

Will he ever want to be with me again?

 

Should I wait for him to initiate contact? What if it never happens? How long should I wait? I know I shouldn’t “wait”, but what’s the time limit I should set to let him contact me?

 

I’ve always wanted to tell him about what had happened with my ex bf and the abuse but I never could muster up the courage. I still want him to know one day… but when is a good time to tell him? I know now is obviously not good… and what if he never contacts me again? Do I just never let him know? I feel like a weight will always be on my shoulders if I don’t tell him one day...

 

All of our friends and family have told me they hope we’ll get back together b/c we were such a great couple. Everyone thought we were going to get married and they knew how in love we were. the toughest part is how entertwined our lives are. We have the same circle of friends, his mother is my loan officer, his father is my coach, I work with his brother in organizating this youth club, we live down the hall from each other!!! I know I should get on with my life and do things I want to do to make myself happy. I have been doing that. It took me a few weeks to get off my feet, but I have started. I just really wish I could win him back and deep down I know what we had was strong. And I really do believe we’ll get back together one day and things will be better than ever, but at the same time I’ve always been a pessimist and there’s this nagging feeling that I’ve already messed up beyond repair… What do you think??

[Trialbyfire]

The only advice I can offer to you is for you to get yourself back on track, back to appreciating yourself as a person before considering reconciliation or another relationship. Good luck Hon.

[BannaBee57]

I know this is a really heartbreaking time for you and I hope you can focus on yourself enough to regain your inner strength.

 

I know you feel like you have destroyed this relationship, but remember that he's the one that coudn't even make time for you while you were in it. Imagine how difficult it would have been if you guys got married and had kids but he still was too busy with his career. Thats a recipe for divorce.

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you with your previous ex. It's a really good idea that you are going to start therapy to help youself, but I think the only reason that you want your current ex to know about what happened before is so that he will feel bad for you and guilty about leaving you and maybe he will come running back. You can talk it over with your therapist, but I don't know if it's a good idea to tell him about it. I don't think it will change his mind about you and it may even upset him thtat you kept it a secret for so long but are telling him now...after the breakup. What would you gain from that?

 

Maybe one day you guys can be friends but I wouldn't sit and wait for it. There really is no time limit that you should wait around for him. Just do what feels right for you. When you've had enough of pining away and hoping for a reconciliation you will know it. And, with the help of the therapy, by that time you will be feeling better about yourself and ready to go back out and find the right guy for you!