Holiday Blues

[My Fair Katie]

Hi, I'm Katie, new here, virgin poster, be gentle. Bit o' the background, I'm in my mid-20s, married 3 years, no children, two h3ll hounds, and live in North Carolina (I'm not an original Carolinian, I am, as my friends like to call me, a modern day carpetbagger). I overuse paranthetical statements, I'm stubborn and opinionated and I use humor as a defense mechanism. Phew, that outta the way. I found this site after googling "estrangement from parents." This wasn't quite what I was looking for, but ya'all seem like a decent group.

 

My history with my folks is way too long for one post, so forget that crap. I'll nutshell it.

 

Basically, at this point in time, I have not responded to contact from my parents since March when they (once again) presented me with the ultimatum of playing "happy family" and not rocking the boat, or being cut off from the family. Well, by this time I guess I'd reached my boiling point and held them to their threat of estrangement. I stopped taking their calls. They left vulgar messages. I changed my home phone number, they started harrassing my friends. They found my cell phone number through my Home Owner's Association, I changed that. Finally they called the police to have them come "check up on me." It's a big smell of a hess I tells ya.

 

I've been pretty strong through all of this. I see a therapist to deal with the feeling of guilt and feeling as though I'm one first class rotten daughter. BTW, if you haven't figured it out, YES, I am an only child (as is my husband, egads!).

 

Here's the thing. The holidays have me in a bind. I'm terrified and having panic attacks at the thought my parents might just "show up." The other day my neighbor was having some landscaping done to his front yard, I saw the truck from an upstairs window and hit the floor so I couldn't be seen through the window. It looked just like my dad's pick up. I actually crawled to the stairs and did the whisper-yell thing to my husband. When my husband came up I asked if my parents showed up. I was in a full on panic attack. It wasn't, it was the landscapers, but my heart was racing so fast. For perspective my parents live five hours to the north near Washington, D.C.

 

I don't even want to celebrate the holidays. I had my ILs visiting last week (a mess unto itself) and just using the family china that my mother handed down to me was very hard emotionally. It was my first "thanksgiving" meal without talking to them. The first one I cooked all by myself. Things will happen that I'm excited about, things I would normally tell them or send them pictures of, but I can't. I cannot change my parents, and I cannot have the type of relationship I would like with them (ie respectful).

 

Christmas could be sad, I'm dreading it. I don't want to send cards because I'm afraid (silly though it may seem) of engaging my extended family (aunts and uncles) and having them butt into this mess.

 

I'm trying to stay busy, volunteering, the ballet, going on a week long getaway, but I just can't shake the doldrums. I feel so very alone and unwanted. I have my husband, but it can be so heartbreaking to discover the conditionality of your parents' love.

 

BTW, the Dan Neuharth book _Children of Controlling Parents_ is wonderful, in case anyone else is in a similar position.

 

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this, I guess just other people in a similar situation and how to best cope with it. This past year has been just so miserable. I've become so withdrawn from the world. I'm trying very hard to get out of this place (not physical place, NC is quite lovely) but a card will show up with their handwriting, or I'll see a Maryland liscense plate, and it just sends me spiraling right back down.

 

Well, thanks for reading my lengthy whine-fest, it helps just to type it out.

[quankanne]

my heart goes out to you, Katie – I imagine that a lot of us here have relatives whom we've decided to limit contact with, so we can identify with the "bad child/sibling" feelings you're having for making that decision.

 

I don't know why we're *supposed* to put up with family's bad behavior if we don't otherwise; I wish we didn't have to suffer the guilt of being "bad" for standing firm in our decision to do so, but I think it's because when it boils down to it, we still want to be the good child or sib.

 

I love my family, but I can only be around them so much, especially when one particular member starts sucking in people with self-induced drama. I get anxious to the point of feeling physically ill when having to deal with it, so I've decided to redouble my efforts to limit contact with him, and my other sibs know not to bring up stupid shxt around me. Not that I'm trying to be heartless, just cut out the bullshxt from my life. It works, and it doesn't work, to tell the truth.

 

what DOES help is surrounding myself and my husband with a close circle of friends who have pretty much become our family of choice. We spend holidays with them for the most part, and it's pretty stress-free this way.

 

maybe you can do something similar? Or, if you're truly worried about being caught unawares by them at certain times, plan to be away from your home for the day or the weekend – there are a lot of neat places close by that you and hubby could prolly check out if you aren't on a too strict budget.

 

part of being an adult is making these kinds of decisions, of saying "no" to situations that do psychological harm, even if it means standing firm on limited contact with family. There's nothing on the books that says you must subject yourself to their kind of torture, you know?

 

besides, they've already made it clear what the consequences were if you didn't agree to "my way or the highway," and by hounding you, they're just try to suck you into a warped game of mind control. You are not a bad person for not wanting to be part of that kind of life no matter what they try to suggest otherwise.

 

welcome to the 'Shack,

quankanne

[My Fair Katie]

besides, they've already made it clear what the consequences were if you didn't agree to "my way or the highway," and by hounding you, they're just try to suck you into a warped game of mind control. You are not a bad person for not wanting to be part of that kind of life no matter what they try to suggest otherwise.

 

I find it so amazing how otherwise successful adjusted adults can be easily be brought back into the mindset of being a petulant child for simply establishing normal boundaries. I cannot tell you how often talking to my parents would make me want to throw an all out temper tantrum, complete with kicking feet and pounding my fists on my kitchen floor.

 

Enough to drive a woman nuts, NUTS I tell ya!

 

I think I'll go hug a dog and calm down now.

[quankanne]

I cannot tell you how often talking to my parents would make me want to throw an all out temper tantrum, complete with kicking feet and pounding my fists on my kitchen floor.

 

:p maybe you should resort to that next time you feel the urge ... then say something like "the demons told me to do that." Wild-*ssed behavior can work wonders to keep people out if you want them out:laugh: :laugh: