I'm so lost and confused

[agkm]

I've known my boyfriend for about 4 years. We were once friends but we hardly keep in touch. But, I've always been attracted to him since the day I knew him. Is just that I had a boyfriend then and he had his girlfriend as well. So, we kept a distance . He has always known me as someone who flirts and that he knows I'm capable of doing so, And he has always gives me the impression that he's a playboy. So, when we got steady, he thought I was just having some fun with him and that I'll dumped him once I get bored, so, he's not very committed in this realationship because he DON'T TRUST me. He thinks I'm a good liar. I don't deny that I was once very playful and I must admit that I had tons of relationship before. And I have even two-timing before. My longest relationship was 6 years, and within this 6 years, I flirt despite having a steady relationship.And he knew about how colourful my past was. So, to him, he always thinks that I'm not serious.

We've been together for about 5 months now. And honestly, I don't know how to handle this relationship. People changed, and the most important thing for me now is to gain his trust. I guess I sometimes tried too hard that it makes feel like a desperado. I must admit that I like him so much more than he does towards me. I just don't know what I like about him. He's a male chauvinist and he's the dominant one. And I'm also the dominant kind but with him, I'm just like a puppy. There are certain time that I'm not being myself when I'm with him. I'm a very needy person and he just can't give me the kind of attention that I want. When it comes to Sunday, he can just leave me alone for the whole day, and most of the Sundays he spent with his parents. He will only call me at night to say hi. That's it, I hate Sundays, but I didn't show him that I'm unhappy about it. I just don't want to argue with him. His attitude his just unbearable, sometimes hot, sometimes cold. He's the kind of person that will not express himself. He's not passionate nor loving. He just keep it inside him all his feelings. Therefore, I really can't tell/read what's on his mind. He's also a very unpredicatble guy. Never know what is he up to. Is so torturing. I never had such difficult relationship before. I just can't handle. So, when I'm needy or when I need pampering, who do I go to? I guess he thinks that I'm a very strong girl but unfortunately I'm not. I'm someone who needs a boyfriend by my side all the time, if possible. But, he's not giving me. Is pretty obvious that he's not the right one for me, so, why am still holding on? Is there such a relationship where you can leave the girlfriend all alone and not talk to her for the whole day until later int he night? Is this normal/common? I've never come across such relationship. And when I'm not with him, I can't bring myself to go out with my friends coz' I'm just not in the mood. I'll be waiting for his call, and when he doesn't call I'll be so dissapointed and I don't wnat to call coz' I think, if he can leave me alone for the whole day that means he don't miss me, so, why should I be the one to make the move. I miss him so much, but I don't think I want him to know. So what if he knows, there'll be NO response from him. I always believe, if he miss me he'll at least call. So, what happens when he doesn't call? Then I won't get to speak to him until the next day. This has been the case when we first started dating.

He wanted to break-up with me twice because he can't trust me. And we know that there ain't no relationship if there's no trust. But, don't know why we are still somehow together. Am I being too naive?There's once where I can't take it anymore, I wanted to end the relationship, coz' I rather let go than to suffer all by myself but he's not willing to let go. That was just two weeks ago.

I'm afraid of loneliness. I use to have all my spare boyfriends. Whenever A is not free, there's always B. But, I just don't have the strength/energy to lie anymore. I live happier that way, but I know that's absolutely incorrect coz' I'll never settle down if I continue doing it. I didn't know being faithful is so hard. Somehow, I've become a stronger person, at least now I can be alone for a day. That's an achievement for me. While wrting this, I'll be thinking what's he doing now? Where is he? I have not spoken to him since this afternoon, plus today is a public holiday, and I don't have to work but yet I don't get to see him. Isn't this pathetic? And now is already 10.30pm. This is so awful. What am I suppossed to do?

[clia]

What do you need to do? You need to stop living life vicariously through your boyfriends. What is missing in your life that you constantly need attention? What is the problem with being single? What is the problem with not having a guy at your side constantly?

 

You ask "Is there such a relationship where you can leave the girlfriend all alone and not talk to her for the whole day until later int he night? Is this normal/common?"

 

Yes! It is normal and common! If your boyfriend is calling you every day, that says something. You shouldn't expect him to spend every second with you and call you 1000 times a day. He has a life! You should, too! People in healthy relationships have their own lives and don't need to spend every second of every day together to be happy.

 

You have put all your proverbial eggs into this basket. It's not healthy to be so disappointed if someone doesn't call you, especially if he is calling every day! What more do you want from him? Even if you aren't in the mood, go out with your girlfriends. Take a class. Go to the gym. Go shopping. Whatever! Just stop sitting by the phone. It sounds like you are driving yourself crazy. Guys aren't attracted to girls who are so needy. Stop doing it!

 

Are you sure this is about trust on his part? If you are sitting by the phone, I'm not sure how he can worry that you are out cheating on him. The only way to make him trust you is to show through your actions that you can be faithful.

 

Frankly, from your description of him, I'm not sure why you are sticking around anyway. Repeat after me...you do not need a boyfriend to be happy! You can be happy all on your own.

[Lovemenot]

I agree with Clia here.

 

First, you say there is no trust. He knows your "history" so to speak. So, he doesn't trust you. And while you admit you know if there is no trust there is no relationship, I must ask you why you continue to stay in a relationship where your partner can't even trust you.

 

He holds your past against you. That isn't right. If for some reason you decide to stay with this guy, you need to communicate with him very efficiently. You need to tell him you arent your past. tell him you've been very faithful and you expect him to respect that and quit holding your past against you. If he can't do that, he will NEVER take your relationship seriously and i'd say get out. You're wasting your time. It's pointless to waste your time and comittment on someone who does NOT even appreciate it or realize they have a woman who cares for them.

 

I say you're both insecure. And you both need to get over it or your relationship is going to be what you've described as long as you stay in it. It will never change unless BOTH of you do.

 

It's perfectly ok for a man to do his own thing. You cant expect him to spend every day and every hour with you. He should be given time for himself. If he's spending the day with his family on sunday, but he spends the other few days with you, you have nothing to complain about. And when he is away, you should expect a phone call from him sometime during the day or evening...even if its just a 15 minute phone call telling you about his day and a "goodnight love".

 

But if he doesnt call you, makes you wait, and disrespects you constantly, tell him. Remember, relationships are about respect, trust (pretty much the same thing), compromise, and enjoying your time together, growing together. It doesn't seem like you two are doing that.

 

 

*******I must admit that I like him so much more than he does towards me. I just don't know what I like about him. He's a male chauvinist and he's the dominant one. *********

 

And gathering from your comments like this one, i'd gather to say maybe he's not even worth the time to fix the broken fence. Why do you stay with him? And before you go finding another man to be with, or fixing the relationship with the current one, i'd suggest you fix your security issues and learn how to be more independent. Because STRONG WOMEN will attract STRONG MEN. And as long as you act weak and insecure, those are the kind of men you will continue to attract.

[agkm]

Is breaking-up the best and only solution to this relationship? I want this to work out, but I know the harder I try, the worst it may become. We actually did talked/discussed about what we expect from each other. I would say things are improving bit by bit, very slowly. You're absolutely right, he's holding my past against me. This is just so unfair coz' everyone has their past. I did try talking to him before on this but, he may forgive but quite reluctant to forget.

YES, you're right, we're both insecure. If he's feeling insecure, does that mean he DO like me alot as well or else he'll not feel insecure. Is that a naive judgement?

Alright, today is Sunday, and I'll be meeting him later coz' he's still with his parents now. I feel so much like an "on-call girlfriend", and the worst part in me, I just can NEVER say NO to him. My girlfriends always scold me for behaving this way. I don't reject him, especially when it comes to meeting up, it will not be me who will say NO. Even if I've made appointment with my friends, when he calls, I'll cancel my friends app. and go with him instead. I would say, anytime, anyday, I'm always available for him. My friend once quoted, "I PAMPERED HIM TOO MUCH." It should be the other way around, but, believe me, my boyfriend will be treated the best from me. 100% commitment and care from me once I'm committed. Unfortunately , he's NOT like that. He's still "observing" me and trying things out. In other words, I'm on a probation period. Oh my God! This sounds like a task for me, at the end of certain period is either I'm hired or I'm fired!

He's not even in LOVE with me, he only likes me alot, that's it. the four letter word LOVE is very sensitive to him and he has never say I LOVE YOU to any of his ex-girlfriends before. Awful, right? I'm just that kind of person, once I'm committed, I'll sleep on it. I know is bad, but can't help it.

As Clia said, go shopping or go to the gym, I do, but most of the time I'll be checking on my mobile to see if there's a call from him. I can't concentrate on anything else, except when it comes to work, then is a different story. But when we argued, I can go to the extend of cancelling my classes coz' I'm not in the mood to work. I can't teach if I'm so disturbed by him.

I know I have to be extra patient in order to win his heart and I don't even know if I'll ever succeed. I'm just gambling, either ALL or NOTHING. Honestly, I'm very negative towards US. I just don't have any confident at all coz' whatever that's going on between us is too blurry and too many unhappy incident happen between these 5 months. Stepping into the 6th month by June 16th, and yet we're still so unstable. Time will be the best answer. Who knows, one of these days, when I really can't take it anymore I'll just blow up, and that's the end or maybe, he blow up first. Who knows?

And I have this ex of mine, we broke-up about 3 years ago, and he still loves me. Is my family friend and my parents love him. He's the one that I've been going out for 6 years while being unfaithful, and till today he doesn't know anything about it. I know he wants me back but, I don't know if I can love him again. He cares for me alot. THis has also been an issue of argument between me and my boyfriend. He's jealous and he just can't stand other guys calling me. My ex has calls me regularly,though he knows I'm seeing somebody. I know my ex is very hurt when he knows I'm going out with someone, but he says nothing or do nothing. Why? Being loved is so much better than loving someone. maybe I should just consider going back to my ex and live happily ever after to be loved by him and forget about this torturing relationship of mine. Ha!

[clia]

You need to start leaving your mobile phone at home when you are out.

 

You need to stop cancelling plans with your friends. That is sooo rude!

 

You need to stop this "on call" business. I'd be shocked if your boyfriend expected you to drop everything when he calls. It's okay to say "I'm sorry, I already have plans. How about another time?" Your life should not be dependent on his every whim!

 

I don't think it insanely crazy that he's not in love with you yet. For some people, love takes time to grow. You've only been together six months. Only foolish people start declaring their love very early on in a relationship. There is a difference between love and lust. At least he seems to realize that.

 

I don't understand what you want from him. Do you want him to be in love with you? Do you want more security in the relationship? Have you tried having a calm and rational discussion with him? Or do you just want him to start dropping everything for you? (Not likely to happen--and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you when he sticks to his original plans. It means he is considerate of those who he made the plans with. Unlike you.) Life is not about instant gratification. You've seen how he is, you've seen how your relationship is. Now you either have to accept him as is or reject him. Decide what is going to be best for you. The two of you may very well be incompatible. It sounds like you need someone who is going to kiss your feet and spend every second with you. He doesn't appear to be that kind of guy.

 

Don't go back with your ex if you don't love him. Tell him to respect your new relationship and stop calling you. No wonder your boyfriend doesn't trust you--you are allowing your ex, who is still in love with you and wants you back, to continue calling you. I don't blame your boyfriend for being jealous! If you want to have an adult relationship, you need to stop these little girl jealousy games. It won't work.

[agkm]

Guess what? We just had a calm and long conversation. He told me that he's SUFFOCATED by me! He said as if he's walking on egg-shells, coz' he didn't know when he will get me upset. He thought things are improving but I'm just too sensitive when it comes to feeling. He's just too insensitive to realize the changes. He's trying to deal with it, and he thought he needs more time.I told him that I can sensed/feel something is not quite right. Is not that he has stop liking me, he just didn't know what's the cause of him being suffocated. He said, for the past couple of days, we tend to argued over little things, why? And why can't he tell me that he wants to be left alone? Because, he knows that I'll get upset, that's why he wanted to see me yesterday, which is not his intention. He wasn't ready to see me yesterday.

 

I wanted to stop this pain coz' is just too unbearable for me, but he said he needs more time and then he suggest that we need some time to be apart until he clear his plates and find out what's wrong with US. Tell me, has he stop liking me? What happens after this period of time when we're left alone, and out of sight, out of mind? or absence makes the heart grow fonder? I can see the confusion in him, he's just so confused coz' he didn't know what is the cause? He said there's many good things that he like about me, that's why he didn't know why is he acting this way? Could it be that our relationship is going through a rough patch now and it'll recover soon? Or this is it, the end?

 

From my opinion, I think we'll NEVER make it, despite after being apart from each other for a while, he'll soon discover that he don't like me enough in order to sustain this relationship. I guess we're just NOT meant for each other. I'm just so negative coz' I know at the end of it, I'm prepared for the worst, in fact, I'm prepared for today.

 

Actually if you asked me what am I feeling now? I don't know. I'm hurt, confused, and in a way relieved coz' I've said what I wanted to say and I'm prepared to face the worst after this period of being apart. One thing's for sure I know I'm gonna miss him very much. He's just being nice, he just wants me to feel better by slowly taking some time off then the big one comes in. I'm already starting to miss him now while writing this. Oh My Goodness, how am I gonna get through this period of time? He said he only needs a few days. Can I take his words? I guess the sooner the better, get it over and done with, once and for all. I don't want to drag, it'll cause me more pain.