Quite Long but i desparately need input- why is he in contact.

[Ella24]

Hi, Well i shall try and keep it short. My ex and i were together 2.5 years and in the beginning it was great, we fell in love after about six months,however about a year into our realtionship i was incredibly stressed out with my uni work, his pot smoking and his constant lack of problems (yes i know he wasnt exactly a catch) but ultimately i truly believed he loved me. I became quite down and and it put a massive stress on our relationship, though i must say he was absolutely brilliant about it and gave me so much support. Anyways a few months later was the first time he did the first of several -im not sure i want to be with you anymore. Everytime-due to low self-estem i guess i persuaded him to sitck with when i should have just said fine lets end (i now know that it just wasnt worth all the hassle) Anyway about 7 months ago we broke up for about 6 weeks but got back basically we kept on seeing each out and on several occasions he actually starting crying in the middle of a clib much to the amusement of my friends! I guess when we broke up then i always believed wed get back because when we broke up he asked to meet me cos hed wrote this letter about how he felt. So we met and the letter was bascially like , ill always love you, youve changed me, very poetic (well cheesy) but he was crying whilst he read it! So i thought give him some time dont have too much contact and hell come running back. And he did. For about 2 months that is- the weird thing is that when we were back togther things we cool between us no arguments, sex fine, and finally id stopped putting up with his **** and wed booked tickets to go travelling for a few years togther. Anyways about a week b4 he finally dumps me he starts acting a bit strange we had a fight for example and he never tried to contact me despite knowing i was upset. So i get really drunk and go round his house starting to cream abouse at him- im ashamed of my behaviuor dont worry. I called him a loser and said clearly he didnt want to be with me. The next day we make up but he keeps making comments about me calling him a loser. This was the Monday, Friday comes we are all set to go out for a meal and then he starts saying "oh weve got a lot to go thru before we get to go travelling" basically it just all started to unravel- he said in no uncertain terms that he wanted to break up, and that he did not love me anymore. I was like fair enough- i always said as long as we still had love we could work it out but after that no chance. I was devastated, we went to cinema a week later- he seemed desprate to remain friends (again he was absolutely hysterical when we broke up- i ended up having to comfort him). So from that moment i didnt hear from him for a while, id already made my deciision to move abroad in a month from then, and his texts just said how much hed miss you. Even when i got back from a girly holiday i had a text saying he was in bed crying he knew he threw me away cos he wasnt ready, more fool him, but he was glad id find somebody to treat me better. So i go away tothe other side of the world and make the decison not to have any contact unless he contacts me- he texts me a few times, he even rang, everytime saying or writing that hed been thinking about me, was so glad i was having a good time and that he missed me. Anyway- the crux- a few days ago i found out hes got a new girlfriend from a friend. I want him to know i know cos i htink sending me such texts are inappropraite if you have a girlfriend and im ceratinly not going to be his backup. So stupidly (curiousity got the better of me but i really am doing ok- had even made the decision i wasnt going to keep in contact once id returned and got my stuff hes storing for me) The long of short of it is that he told me a bit about her, its long distance so he doesnt see her that often, and he doesnt know where its going cos hes going travelling. He asked me if i was seeing anyone so i said yeah and told him about a guy id seen on my travels. Anyways he next text is like i really like her, but where both realistic about whats goin on (i e there just going to see what happens cos they know they might get hurt or some bull****) then he changes the subject saying he wants to speak to me now and that its pretty damming of our relaitonship that i break free of him and go on to do such cool things abroad. Stupidly i said id call him, but i think ill allow it seeing that i am getting over it slowly. Well anyone it was a big mistake- its not like he declared his love for this girl but when i asked what she was like he like , cool outgoing, they buzz off each other- But what i was most shocked to find out is that its been going on for a few months- that pissed me off because he found somebody so quick! Also that he didnt tell me about her, and that he kept in touch and always said he missed me blah blah. I ended up cutting the phone of by mistake but chose just to sned him a text saying he wasnt the person that i was with then and im different now too, we had our momnet it passed, and not to contact me.

 

Now heres my questions:

Depsite the fact that i truly believe im getting over him, i still feel quite insulted that he shcaked up with someone so soon. Kinda makes me feel like maybe our relationship didnt mean as much as i thought to him. I mean he asked me if i was mad cos hed moved on quite quick I said no just a bit shocked cos hed said he didnt want another gf too soon- he came back with shes not my gf, we only see each once every couple of weeks- i cut him off i dont want his lame excuses!!! But shamelessly for my own ego boost do you think it mgiht just be a rebound?

 

Whilst also im smart enough to realise now that his contact attempts were probably his way of keeping me hanging on as the back-up id still like to know that those contact attempts were somewhat born out of still having some feelings for me. You guys must think im crazy becuase i dont want to get back with him and i dont really reminisce about our relationship but my ego has taken a battering and of course i do still have some feelings for him so i would be nice so now that he 100% has no feelings for me. S

 

Anyways feed back appreciated!! Sorry about the long rant.

[Ella24]

When i said lack of problems i meant lack of money-sorry

[Trialbyfire]

Your ex sounds like he's one of those relationship-reliant people who "must" always be in a relationship. It might account for his inability to let you go, crying, etc. and then the quick flip to the new girl.

[Ella24]

Hi, NOt wanting to sound too deparate but is there anyone else who has advice for me. This is driving me crazy- i cant sleep!!!

[daphne]

Ella,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're in pain. There are a few observations.

 

1) You are really hurt right now because your ex has moved on first. It sounds like you were ok with moving on when you left but now that you see he's with someone else you want him back. This is normal. Just try to recognize it for what it is.

 

2) Your ex is a wishy washy flake. One minute he's crying, the next he's shacking up with some other girl while he's calling you. You've read his actions straight on. He was trying to string you along. You're not letting him. Rinse and repeat. You're doing all of teh right things.

 

3) Even if you really feel it, you can never cross the line of calling your boyfriend names such as loser. This hurts to the very core. It's like a guy telling us we're fat or unattractive. I think this was really the turning point in your relationship and you've got to learn never to say something so cruel.

 

You have to ask yourself the tough questions like why do you want him back? Just because he has someone else isn't a good reason. He's acting pretty foolish if you ask me. If you've ever seen the movie closer, he reminds me of Jude Law's character a little. Just weak and flakey and very girly. Move on. That's the best thing you can do. If you want him back at a future time, it'll be for a real reason and not out of jealousy. I just think that later you won't want him back. Most of the time when we see our exes for who they really are we don't want them back.

 

It does get better.

[Ella24]

Thanks very much for your advice, i think a lot of what you say makes sense. I mean its not like i dont go out and see plenty of guys that i find attractive so i know im partly moving on. I think the long and short of it is noone can stand the rejection and the pain of feeling like youve been replaced. I agree with you about the "loser" comment- I regretted it, andfelt so bad for saying it, especailly as i knew as the time he was feeling really crap about himself. Daphne -or anyone, do you think that he maybe broke it off with me partly beacuse of that? I mean i know there were other problems, but do you that could have been a factor. He did say the other day when i spoke to him that towards the end of our relationship he depended on me too much. Do think for a 23 year old the idea that he was dependent on somebody (to help him out with money, organise stuff for him a lot- my fault too i shouldnt have taken on the role of "mum") scared him silly and he felt like he had to go out and look for something a bit more exciting and almost away from that mundane dynamic that had developed?

[gonetildecember]

Thanks very much for your advice, i think a lot of what you say makes sense. I mean its not like i dont go out and see plenty of guys that i find attractive so i know im partly moving on. I think the long and short of it is noone can stand the rejection and the pain of feeling like youve been replaced. I agree with you about the "loser" comment- I regretted it, andfelt so bad for saying it, especailly as i knew as the time he was feeling really crap about himself. Daphne -or anyone, do you think that he maybe broke it off with me partly beacuse of that? I mean i know there were other problems, but do you that could have been a factor. He did say the other day when i spoke to him that towards the end of our relationship he depended on me too much. Do think for a 23 year old the idea that he was dependent on somebody (to help him out with money, organise stuff for him a lot- my fault too i shouldnt have taken on the role of "mum") scared him silly and he felt like he had to go out and look for something a bit more exciting and almost away from that mundane dynamic that had developed?

 

 

I broke up with an ex a little over a year and a half ago.. he asked to go on a break...because he said he needed space to "be him"... a few weeks later i realised that i didn't want to be in the relationship and i officially ended it despite me being the one that was so against the break...

 

he tried to get me back later on, but i knew that we were both better off. I was like his mother, did everything for him, we spent every waking moment together and it took him realising that and wanting to better himself for me to realise that. i thought i was just "taking care of him". He knew that we would never have a healthy relationship as long as he was dependant on me, he took his break and planned to come back after he made some improvements (moved out of his moms, got a job, applied for school, got his license finally lol)... the only problem is when he came back i had moved on..

 

..but what i was trying to show you.. is maybe your comment about him being a loser, forced him to realise he was too dependant.. and not because it hurt him, but because he realised he needed to make some changes.. he left... maybe he just wants some time to get his S*** together

[Ella24]

Hey I have some more questions that id like input on if poss!

 

1.After reading my post does anyone think that because i went so far away travelling (the other side of the world) that my ex has started seeing someone else as a rebound? Its just when we broke up before he was briefly seeing someone but he saw me out one night and qucikly ended it thus putting the wheels of motion of us to get back togther. I dont really want him back but i just find it so weird that he has moved on so fast. Alot of people who post on here talk about exes being out of the relationship "emotionally" long before it physically ends, maybe thats why he has moved on so fast but given he was in such a state even weeks after our breakup (see my long post above when i got back from holiday finding a text saying he was in bed crying etc etc) i dont know what to believe.

 

2. Though i would never get back with him do you think that his contact with me since ive been so far away is his way of keeping me sweet just in case he changes his mind when i get back? I guess im just so confused as to why he has been contacting me. If i broke up with someone, who i no longer loved i just wouldnt contact them becuse i wouldnt want to give them the wrong idea. For example there is a guy here in Australia that i knew from my travels before who since he found out i was back has been ytrying to contact me ( he did it before when i was over here- i visit Oz alot) I did have something with him a few years back but now i dont really want to have contact with him cos i dont want to give him the impression im interested in resuming our relationship (i just dont feel that way about him anymore) Part of me thinks my ex does really care for me as a friend and is truly wanting to see how i am, be my friend etc. But the other oart of me thinks back to the initial week or so when we first broke up and the previous time we broke up and he told me he didnt really want to have contact cos he didnt want to give me false hope. So why is he ringing me now and saying " hes thinking about me" Is he really that cold and calculating and wants an ego boost , to know im still around?

[Ella24]

Has anyone got any response to my last post, i know my rants are really long but input would be soooo appreciated!!