too chicken to leave!

[Crystal]

today we got in this fight cause he wanted to go to church and didnt say anything until it was almost time to go.

 

i was not even ready and needed to take a shower and change...

i didnt even have time to do that cause it started in ten minutes when he said "he" was going to go.

 

he didnt think i wanted to go cause i was doing with the paper and some books...i got mad tho cause i told him i wanted to go and he didnt even give me time to go too....

 

i told him that he could at least give me some warning so i could of went with him.....he got pist and kicked the table over and threw crap around..

 

then he stormed out of the house...i ran an packed everything i needed to take with me and got my dog and got in my truck to go...

 

i had another check from a job last week i was going to go pick up first....but it is like 45 minutes away and i was so pist myself..i could not even see straight.

 

i was soooo flippin scared to leave too..i thought how the hell can i drive myself back to minnesota when i cant even drive myself 45 minutes away???!!!!

 

boy that pist me off even more...i went home...unpacked and kicking myself the whole damm time for having to now unpack and for being such a flippin chicken!

 

if i did not have my dog i am telling you i would of been on a grayhound bus!

 

i am NOT kidding either! if i was not such a big chicken schmidt to drive i would not be here right now either!

 

the problem is if i dont leave when i am hot, i cget ooled off and then later dont see any reasons not to leave...does that make sense?

 

i dont know what to do , sometimes, like now, i feel like i am all those things i said the dr.'s say i am, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar and generalized anxiety disorder'ed..and i guess someone forgot to add that i am psycho as well..

 

how many Normal PEOPLE DO THIS??? how many normal people have all their things always packed "just in case"? is that sick or what???

 

i was going to leave him before and i packed up all my crap, my nicknacks, pictures, important papers, family things, things that i will not leave without, and have kept them packed since then, that was months ago..

 

i've kept them packed just in case i decide to leave again, what kind of way is that to have a relationship? it's like always having one foot out the door.

 

if i was not so flippin afraid to leave i would be gone..

i am afraid of the pain i know i will feel from missing him.

i am afraid that i may make a mistake and regret it...

i am afraid that i am going crazy when i do it, leave..

i am afraid that what if i cant handle the pain and leaving that i end up having a nervous breakdown...

 

does that make sense? i am just plain ole afraid of everything!

yesterday i found out my brother is dying from C.O.P.D. he is only 66 years old!

 

if i had thought of that when i was driving around town maybe i would of kept going..life is just to short to spend it in constant turmoil and constantly not know what the hell one wants out of life!

 

if i was not afriad of everything i would be gone.......

[Tony T]

You've tried to get away before...and you turned around and returned. You complain and complain and complain...but you always return to the scene of the crime.

 

Ask yourself what you are getting out of all this. If you weren't getting something out of it, you wouldn't stay with this man. Only you can ask this question.

 

Do you enjoy being abused? Do you enjoy being dishonored? Are you there for the financial support? Are you there because there's simply no place else to go or you feel no other man will have you? Are you a masochist who simply enjoys being in unpleasant situations for the priviledge of being a martyr or victim?

 

The theme of all your posts seems to be your love of being a victim...of your relationship, of your job, of people who criticize you here on the forum, of your health, etc., etc. Well, if you don't want to be a victim, make a conscious plan to stop. Start by finding out what the payoff is for you...and form another behavior that takes the place of it. Something that will pay off for you where you will be a survivor, a courageous tenant of planet earth...and not a helpless victim.

 

Once you come to terms with what's keeping you with this man, just get comfortable with it. Accept it. Only insane, crazy, screwed up people stay in situations where there is no positive reinforcement...where they are getting absolutely nothing out of it.

 

Not even roaches and ants will remain in a house unless there's food of some sort or moisture that they seek. Every animal form, from the very lowest microscopic organisms to the largest jungle animals make their way through life through places and circumstances where there is a payoff...in the form of food, sex, shelter, or some other reward. Oddly, researchers have NEVER found one single microbe or wild animal that roams around looking to be victimized. That behavior seems to be restricted only to the HIGHEST animal form, (some) homosapiens.

 

So, your homework is to find out why you are staying in this situation. Once you realize that, you might feel a lot better. Then you can either empower yourself to get out of it and find a better life for yourself...or enjoy you current state and be happy in knowing just how you are profiting from it.

 

And next Sunday, take a shower early and be ready to go to church...and please pray for me to win the lottery. The payoff for you will be a fat $1,000,000 cashola!!!

[C]

I suugest not to get mad, but try to understand and forgive your partner, even if he is wrong. A lot of us need to learn submission and humility, it's not such a bad thing. Especially for a woman. You should have said:"Honey, I wish you told me a little earlier, I wanted to go with you. Go, sweetheart, have a good time and next time please be so nice, tell me in advance". Then kiss him good bye. I cannot imagine anybody who would not respond positively to such behaviour. People need to learn to get along and communicate.

[velvet]

Leave him out of this for a minute and reflect on your behavior. Do you react this way to anything else in your life? If he seriously causes this from you than it must be him and you have to leave. Your putting yourself through major disaster emotionally.

 

I've been there. I lived that for four years and since I've left that r/s I have never been more calm, cool, collected. I realized that the person I lived with was bringing the worst emotional brake downs that I never want to experience again.

 

I was hundreds of miles away from friends and family. I only had my career and r/s with a man I realized, too late, that I was not in love with. I was afraid to leave financially and feared my life would not be as strong without the support of him. I felt too weak to even pack. There just came a time. The right fight, the right moment I said it was all I was going take and put myself through and I gave him my walking papers and didn't change my mind. Three years later I'm single and happy.

 

Next time don't turn around, don't turn back. Just keep walking.

Is there someone you can go to, somewhere you can stay and start over? Thats the only choice I had. Leaving is easy if you really want to. It took me four years. From the day I go engaged I new it was wrong. Over time I grew to realize it more and more.

Than one day is was like I knew for sure I was through and new I was about to cause someone allot of grief but it was the right choice and followed it out because it was the right thing to do.