Another "situation"

[Lostgurl]

Hi everyone, I am hoping to hear some opinions on something....

 

How would you react if your SO put you on the backburner for a hockey game when he could clearly see that you were upset...

 

You then get into a tiff about it later, AFTER the hockeygame... and then write him an email explaining to him why you were upset in the firstplace.

 

In the email, you don't word something correctly, and he/she gets mad at you for it.... Claiming that in that mistake, you were doubting their feelings for you? You get into a whole other arguement about this, he won't take no for an answer... Until you swallow your anger and try to make things better, to stop the arguement. He accepts it and says goodnight.

 

Would you think that he's stubborn, just trying to cause a fight or just needs the last word?

[luvtoto]

Hi everyone, I am hoping to hear some opinions on something....

 

How would you react if your SO put you on the backburner for a hockey game when he could clearly see that you were upset...

I would be like, "Cool, I finally get some alone time!!"

 

Lostgurl, why did that upset you? In any relationship, space is needed.

[SoCalCatman72]

Would you think that he's stubborn, just trying to cause a fight or just needs the last word?

 

Yes, No, Yes.

 

I think he just needs some time to hang out with the guys, and be a caveman for a night. I used to get into it all the time with my ex when I wanted to have a guy's night out, she would pull all sorts of stunts to keep me from going out.

[luvtoto]

I wouldn't want to go to a hockey game anyways. I would be glad he didn't ask me to go.

[allina]

But it's not really about Hockey, it's about him being snappy, dismissive and insensitive. Does he ever consider your feelings with things? Seems like he's more in to being right and getting the las word than the health of the relationship.

[luvtoto]

Does he ever consider your feelings with things?

Welllll....it goes both ways. Did she consider his feelings when she got upset with him about going to a game without her?

 

Hotgurl, does your BF do this sort of thing all the time?? While never including you in his plans? That wouldn't be good, if he acted that way...and yes, I would be upset about that.

[allina]

Welllll....it goes both ways. Did she consider his feelings when she got upset with him about going to a game without her?

 

 

Yeah, it does go both ways, but I thought that she was not upset about him going to a hockey game but upset because though he could tell she was down and needed him he left.

[Lostgurl]

I would be like, "Cool, I finally get some alone time!!"

 

Lostgurl, why did that upset you? In any relationship, space is needed.

 

Oh, i'm sorry luvtoto, i guess i got you a little confused by not explaining enough. We have been in an LDR for a month and a half. I am planning on going to see him at xmas and was trying to buy a plane ticket. I've never had to buy a ticket let alone fly on a huge airliner, and i needed his help. I found this great seat sale, but unfortunatley all of them were sold out and by the time i put all my info into the form on the website, the last seat AVAILABLE for the day i was supposed to fly out on was sold out... He signed in, i told him what was going on... He could see i was upset, beacuse any remainng flights were over $650 that i couldn't afford, and were being sold very quickly. But he asked if we could wait until after the game to talk about it. I was stressed and upset, b/c at xmas time, being the busiest time, didn't want to wait another second to purchase a ticket. I thought it was more important than a hockey game on tv. I wanted to ask if he'd help with the cost of the ticket.

 

But he was soo worried (it seemed) about his game all he could say is "i don't know honey, I just don't f*cking know" So i signed off even more upset than i was in the first place telling him i'd figure it out myself....

[Lostgurl]

Yeah, it does go both ways, but I thought that she was not upset about him going to a hockey game but upset because though he could tell she was down and needed him he left.

 

Hi Allina, yes, that is why i was upset. He said he'd always be there for me no matter what. But after he could see i was upset, he still asked if it could wait until after he was done watching the game.

 

It all started with our visit comming up at xmas. I had managed to find a seat for over $500, which is by no means within my budget, but i know that us seeing eachother before i move there is very important. He disagrees. He thinks the sooner i get there to move there in the spring, the better. And he was upset with me for buying the ticket, knowing that it would set the time of me moved back another 2 weeks.

 

After he came back on to messenger after the game was over, we argued some more. It was mainly him telling me how stubborn i am and that i shouldn't have bought that expensive ticket, and me explaining that waiting to buy wasn't a good idea... Geeze Louise!

 

After we signed off with him very angry and me very upset. I wrote him an email explaining ONCE AGAIN, why i was upset and what this trip meant for this relationship that we are trying to save.

 

I had a slip on words at the end.. I made it sound (accidentally) that i cared more for the relationship than he did. I just meant at the time of the hockey game i know i shouldn't have said that at all, but i was upset that i got pushed to the end of the line over a hockey game on tv. It would have only been a few minutes, and he can see the tv from his computer!

 

He came on lastnight fuming over the email, blming me for doubting him again. Because of my comment. He wouldn't let it go until he had the last word.

 

I made alot of good points, and stuck up for my self, but in the end he agreed that i was right to a point... But he STILL repeated that i doubt him. I was fuming but swallowed my pride, and gave him a big mushy goodnight. All i got was a yeah goodnight good lady? AFTER i swallowed my pride.

 

I don't know why he's so stubborn and needs his last word. *sigh*

 

I do know that he loves me and that our relationship is important to him, and that i wasn't doubting him when i wrote what i did. I just wish he'd believe me when i tell him that.

 

Thank you Allina, luvtoto and socalcatman76 for your posts...

[luvtoto]

Oh, i'm sorry luvtoto, i guess i got you a little confused by not explaining enough. We have been in an LDR for a month and a half. I am planning on going to see him at xmas and was trying to buy a plane ticket. I've never had to buy a ticket let alone fly on a huge airliner, and i needed his help. I found this great seat sale, but unfortunatley all of them were sold out and by the time i put all my info into the form on the website, the last seat AVAILABLE for the day i was supposed to fly out on was sold out... He signed in, i told him what was going on... He could see i was upset, beacuse any remainng flights were over $650 that i couldn't afford, and were being sold very quickly. But he asked if we could wait until after the game to talk about it. I was stressed and upset, b/c at xmas time, being the busiest time, didn't want to wait another second to purchase a ticket. I thought it was more important than a hockey game on tv. I wanted to ask if he'd help with the cost of the ticket.

 

But he was soo worried (it seemed) about his game all he could say is "i don't know honey, I just don't f*cking know" So i signed off even more upset than i was in the first place telling him i'd figure it out myself....

ON TV??? He put you off to watch a game on tv? Oh, well that puts things into perspective. You had a legitimate reason to be upset.

 

He sounds like he just isn't investing his time into you or your relationship.

 

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't invest anything into him, until he starts showing more interest. I wouldn't buy that plane ticket, unless he offers to pay for half of your ticket. He should contribute to your trip up to see him.

 

I mean, my BF fixes my car for nothing, so that I can drive up to see him. It's a give and take.

 

Whenever you are the giver, and someone else is the taker...it makes things unbalanced.

[luvtoto]

He came on lastnight fuming over the email, blming me for doubting him again. Because of my comment. He wouldn't let it go until he had the last word.

You have every right to doubt him at this point. He's just defensive because he knows you are right.

[Lostgurl]

ON TV??? He put you off to watch a game on tv? Oh, well that puts things into perspective. You had a legitimate reason to be upset.

 

He sounds like he just isn't investing his time into you or your relationship.

 

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't invest anything into him, until he starts showing more interest. I wouldn't buy that plane ticket, unless he offers to pay for half of your ticket. He should contribute to your trip up to see him.

 

I mean, my BF fixes my car for nothing, so that I can drive up to see him. It's a give and take.

 

Whenever you are the giver, and someone else is the taker...it makes things unbalanced.

 

Yes Luvtoto, you are right.. He should be helping with at least a little of my ticket. I never would have asked him to help if i would have gotten my hands on a sale ticket. But when i did ask him, we were both upset. Well i didn't really ask him, i merely stated that it was the reason behind the urgency, because normally i wouldn't try to disturb him during a game.

 

He said that he couldn't help me pay for it because he is paying for our hotel and entertainement, and basically everything but the ticket. But that was the first that i heard of that, so i guess that is fine.

 

But yeah luvtoto you are right about me not investing to much into him right now... I think i need to take a step back.

[Lostgurl]

You have every right to doubt him at this point. He's just defensive because he knows you are right.

 

 

Thank you!! I really needed to hear that. My shoulders feel a little lighter. He based our whole arguement on that one statement lastnight and there was nothing that i could do to calm him down, no explaining... no sorry's... Nothing!

[luvtoto]

He said that he couldn't help me pay for it because he is paying for our hotel and entertainement, and basically everything but the ticket. But that was the first that i heard of that, so i guess that is fine.

...everything but the ticket? Hmm...that still doesn't seem very fair.

 

Wow. LDR's are tough AND expensive. Are you sure this is what you want??

 

I gotta go hang Christmas decorations at work, but I'll check in later.

[Lostgurl]

...everything but the ticket? Hmm...that still doesn't seem very fair.

 

Wow. LDR's are tough AND expensive. Are you sure this is what you want??

 

Well, the thing is after these 2 nights of fighting about me being upset because he made me wait until after the game to solve the ticket problem, and him being upset because he thinks im doubting him, i am not too sure...

 

I couldn't believe how worked up he got me, and then how i swallowed my pride, and let him have the last word, because i couldn't stand to fight anymore. This won't change. I can see soo many other arguements from this one.. We are thousands of miles away and are fighting about smaller things than we did when we were living together.

 

I am supposed to move there in May, but if crap like this keeps happening, i seriously doubt that it will happen...

[allina]

How long have you been with him?

The relationship has been long distance for 2 months so far and you two are plannign on being close in 6 months or so? I'm just not sure I have my facts straight.

 

I sort of feel like things may be in trouble

[Lostgurl]

How long have you been with him?

The relationship has been long distance for 2 months so far and you two are plannign on being close in 6 months or so? I'm just not sure I have my facts straight.

 

I sort of feel like things may be in trouble

 

Hi Allina, Yeah i'm not feeling all that great about it right now either

 

We have been together for over 2.5 years, we are pretty serious, have admitted to eachother that we have never loved another person more, and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

He moved in the beginning of October because we had broken up and he had found a decent job with a family member. We got back together the day he came to say goodbye and tell me he was hopping a plane to move across the country. I was devastated, because at the time, we were trying to get back together.

 

We basically agreed that we both needed to work on ourselves in oder for our relationship to work, and when we have worked though these issues, that i would move down there to be with him. We are both trying to save so i can move down there in April and we can get our own home.

 

That is why he figured that if this visit at xmas was going keep me from moving in the beginning of April, so be it. He figures that it's more important to get me moved down there than to keep our relationship strong by seeing one another, what is two weeks more? What is wrong with the middle of April instead of the beginning?

 

I feel that if we don't get to see eachother inbetween and April, we won't last that long! It is essential that we see eachother at Christmas.

 

I think so, don't you?

[allina]

 

That is why he figured that if this visit at xmas was going keep me from moving in the beginning of April, so be it. He figures that it's more important to get me moved down there than to keep our relationship strong by seeing one another, what is two weeks more? What is wrong with the middle of April instead of the beginning?

 

I feel that if we don't get to see eachother inbetween and April, we won't last that long! It is essential that we see eachother at Christmas.

 

I think so, don't you?

 

Hmmm, well it's hard for me to judge whats going on with the relationship. A part of me thinks "this looks bad, like it's not lasting" but then a part of me sees that this is a long term thing and that it is a hard situation to work out so there will be conflict

 

As for the Christman issue it seems like he is being sort of to the point, rational. The goal is for you to move to be with him and he is doing what he feels is best to achieve that goal asap.

 

You on the other hand want to see him, and are hurt that the visit doesn't seem as important to him, but in his eyes the visit slows down the date of when the ultimate goal can happen. It's almost like he's being a typical guy. I've never had a LDR but I see how seeing eachother before April might be good for you guys. Honestly, I'm a little stuck with this one. Maybe it would have been good to see him a little after Christmas when tickets are much cheaper?

[Lostgurl]

Hmmm, well it's hard for me to judge whats going on with the relationship. A part of me thinks "this looks bad, like it's not lasting" but then a part of me sees that this is a long term thing and that it is a hard situation to work out so there will be conflict

 

As for the Christman issue it seems like he is being sort of to the point, rational. The goal is for you to move to be with him and he is doing what he feels is best to achieve that goal asap.

 

You on the other hand want to see him, and are hurt that the visit doesn't seem as important to him, but in his eyes the visit slows down the date of when the ultimate goal can happen. It's almost like he's being a typical guy. I've never had a LDR but I see how seeing eachother before April might be good for you guys. Honestly, I'm a little stuck with this one. Maybe it would have been good to see him a little after Christmas when tickets are much cheaper?

 

LOL He asked me the same thing... "Honey DON'T Book!!!" Although it was already too late. He wanted me to come down on the 4th and stay for a week then.

I did the calculations and it would have saved $ on the flight, but i would have lost a few $100 in pay. I just started this job in July so unfortunately i only have a few days of holidays.

 

It would have been a brilliant idea if i had the holiday time to use. But i am using what i have tacked onto the end of our gifted days we get at Christmas.

 

But when you asked me the same thing he did, it made me think that maybe i'm just being a suck about all of this.... Maybe i'm just being to emotional. I don't know.

[allina]

Maybe you are but I think he could have really been kinder and more caring in all this, especially since you two are trying to work through somethings and get the relationship back on track. I also don't like that he said "i just don't f-ing know"

 

Yes, it's probably a tough situation for him as well but he doesn't have to put all the blame on you and be so thoughtless. It seems like if he showed some desire to see you and be with you things would have never gotten to this point.

[Lostgurl]

Maybe you are but I think he could have really been kinder and more caring in all this, especially since you two are trying to work through somethings and get the relationship back on track. I also don't like that he said "i just don't f-ing know"

 

Yes, it's probably a tough situation for him as well but he doesn't have to put all the blame on you and be so thoughtless. It seems like if he showed some desire to see you and be with you things would have never gotten to this point.

 

Yeah you are right.. He should have been kinder, and he shouldn't have accused me of doubting him once again. I tried and tried to get it through his head that i was upset and it came out wrong. He still needed to end our arguement with that statement one more time was the kicker.

 

And yes, i think i have been some what of a baby about the whole situation, thanks for your words Allina.

 

When you asked about going later in the month, like he did, it made me realize that my emotions were running alittle rampant. Because he was looking for a solution.

 

He left me a g'morning message after the first night we fought. Saying that our chat that night would be way better. Then he got that email and gave me sh*t for doubting him. He left me another message this morning saying the same thing.... I hope he's right this time .

[Lostgurl]

Well, i talked to him lastnight for an hour and a half... We didn't argue this time... He was very quiet, and didn't have much to say. So i treid to let him go twice, and then he'd start talking.

 

I could tell that he was still upset about our past two nights of arguing. I asked him and he said yes. But did'nt want to talk about it. So i tried to get off the computer again... But he wouldn't let me.

 

We finally talked through it, and Allina you were right all along. He was mainly upset about me buying the ticket and not being able to get me down there earlier.

 

Differences: He wants me to get down there to move for good as soon as possible. He was mad that i spent so much on a ticket to come see him and could have possibly extended my time here.

 

I being worried about maintaining the relationship long enough to be sure that i will end up moving down there, wanted to keep our connection strong. I mean, i've never been in an LDR until now... But doesn't the connection fade, if you never get to see eachother? It also increases the chances to cheating....

 

Oh well, It's all fine now.. I cheered him up last night and he left me a huge sweet message this morning . Well, it's good for now, but i don't know what will happen if we have anymore of these fights. I guess that's something to think about...

 

Thank you for all your help, you guys!