Expectations...

[boomerang]

Hello! I met X in March. He's grad student 45 min away from my city. We're from the same country, I met him at an event of our community at his University. We got together 2-3 times, always with other people around. We went on a hiking trip 10 days ago, we shared a tent. He tried to have sex with me, I said I wanted to get to know him better.We spent 3 days holding hands and being intimate w/o intercourse. After the trip he wrote a nice email thanking me. Next day he called to ask me out for a movie or a drink Friday. I was very excited-our first official date! On Friday, he leaves a msg: My friend Jeff with also be in your town tonight,so I'm thinking of seeing you afterwards. I was puzzled. When I called him he sounded evasive and said: should we do something tonight? Do you want to come with us or meet you after? I felt he had changed his mind about the date (a month ago, at a community event he asked me to go to a movie with him, then said Jeff asked him to go surfing, so I just went along). He was surprised I sounded confused. I had to talk to my friends to calm down, I thought this was a bad sign. I asked whether he'd rather spent Friday with Jeff, I could hang out with my friends. He said 'would you rather do something with your friends?' I said, w/o getting upset that I had reserved the evening for him and that we could meet after we see our friends. When we met, I was at a restaurant w/ friends, he was kind of upset that I lingered for a minute before deciding whether to stay and have dinner first or leave w/ him. He was distant, kept saying he wasn't trying to break a date. I said that was fine, I'm sure you don't see your friends often. We held hands all night. He told me "I'll disappear for a while now, I'm too busy w/ school until I start work again (mid June). We were intimate w/o intercourse, next day he said he can't spent the energy planning things and waste time from his work to make plans! I am upset w/ myself that made a fuss (even a little bit of fuss) about the date. Please help: how can I make myself NOT CARE whether a man (or friend) changes his plans or doesn't act like I expect him to? WHY DID I OVERANALYZE this slight change of plans? Thanks!

[Tony T]

You ought to care about how people treat you and you should pay a lot more attention.

 

If a guy breaks a date with you or wants to see you AFTER he is out with one of his guy friends, he is not putting much priority on you. This guy has repeatedly given you messages that he's not interested in any more with you than SEX, SEX, SEX.

 

Now that he wasn't able to get you into the sack after seeing you a few times, he's all of a sudden going to drop out for a while because he's too busy with work, school, etc. That's about as much bull as I've heard in a while.

 

If a guy is really into a gal, he will make time to see her no matter what.

 

Don't even think about this guy another second. Write him off. If he calls, tell him you're busy. If he emails you, don't answer him. If you don't think enough of yourself to insist that others treat you with respect, how can you expect others to?

 

You need to start paying a whole lot more attention to what happens in your life. If a guy asks you out to a movie...and then decides to go surfing with a guy friend...that is a STRONG MESSAGE TO YOU. What that is saying is that there are other things more important in his life...and that he does not have the ethics and principles to fulfill committments.

 

Is that the kind of guy you want to date? YUK!!!

 

It would be impossible for you to overanalyze this situation. It is way too simple and basic. Input the data and you've got an instant analysis: This guy is a complete butthole of the highest order.

 

Any further difficulties you may have will be totally your fault for having anything else to do with him.

[boomerang]

Thanks Tony! This calms me down a lot. I understand now that this guy wanted just one thing...But please tell me, when I meet a nice guy next, who like all guys is scared to lose his independence. Say he changes plans last minute. Do I say something or do I shut up? Most people out there would say that in the first few months you should play it very cool and act totally casual and have a no-big-deal attitude. How do I do that? I tend to take things seriously. I EXPECT a certain consistency. How do I change that? How can I lighten up and just "go with the flow?" Thanks so much!

[yes]

i was asking the exactly same QN : how do i take it easy & just go with the flow.

here's what i learned:

dating several guys at once makes each one of them have less weight in your life and mind. so don't go exclusive right away.

 

also, i felt like it was just a matter of practice ... the more guys u date, the easier it is to get over a bad experience, the easier it is to start dating someone new...

 

so don't you worry =) you'll be fine. just keep dating & having fun.

 

-yes

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "But please tell me, when I meet a nice guy next, who like all guys is scared to lose his independence. Say he changes plans last minute. Do I say something or do I shut up?"

 

First of all, don't make generalizations about men. Regarding independence, no sane man will give all of that up but for someone they care for they will make selective concessions.

 

As far as a guy changing plans at the last minute, it really depends on why. If he changes plans with you so he can go out with a guy friend, let him know that's inappropriate and that is something you won't put up in a man. Don't see him anymore.

 

Use your own common sense to know what is a good excuse and what is not for changing plans. And you better learn to look out for yourself because if you don't, life will roll over you like a steamroller and smash you into the pavement.

 

2. "Most people out there would say that in the first few months you should play it very cool and act totally casual and have a no-big-deal attitude. How do I do that?"

 

If you don't know, I can't tell you. However, you should never, ever put up with disrespect or lack of consideration. If a guy jerks you around, write him off. Otherwise, just relax and enjoy the flow of things.

 

3. "I tend to take things seriously. I EXPECT a certain consistency. How do I change that? How can I lighten up and just "go with the flow?"

 

Again, you're just going to have to figure this out for yourself. However, I must warn you never to expect anything from anybody. When you start doing that, you set yourself up for massive disappointment. But I also must tell you to DEMAND respect. When you don't get it, just tell the person you're moving on.

 

When somebody changes plans with you to do something with somebody else, that's the worst insult you can receive. Now, if they postpone plans with you because they have a chance to meet the President or have some special experience, that's a little different. Use common sense.

[velvet]

Take all the focus on whomever the person is you start to show interest in. Put all the energy and focus on you and anything else.

 

I do exactly what yes had suggested. If I get disappointed in one guy I use my back up guy, that way its easier on the mind and emotions because you don't have time for crap.

 

Than again you don't have to date anyone. Just make friends with the guys that show interest in you. When one really shows hes interested in being with you 100% you will know. You don't have to question if hes playing games, using you or lying to you.

 

In the mean time if you still date guys that you are in constant question about play him out as long as you can just like you have being doing with this guy except don't expect, rely, wait, wonder, fantasize or call him. And thats going with the flow.

[boomerang]

that makes a lot of sense!

[boomerang]

Don't be angry at me, Tony- my engines have cooled way down. But he's behaviour is very puzzling. Since I came back from my Memorial day getaway, he's been emailing and calling on a daily basis. E.g. Wed., sent me two emails, then tried calling late night. When I finally sent him a reply next morning, he emailed right back to ask me if I'd like to meet up with him and a friend, look at some of our photos, he'd cook. I replied sounds good. Calls me late night same day, very wishy washy, he's very busy with school the next two weeks, that it was the friend who suggested this get together and they didn't know when, they'd let me know. Any insights into male psychology??

Thanks so much!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Any insights into male psychology??"

Yes, how much money do you have???

 

Many men want what they can't have. When they get it they don't know what to do with it.

 

Next time you see a dog chasing a car, let me know what the dog does with the car once he catches up to it. Most dogs don't have a clue.

 

Lots of men are like dogs.