He's Breaking Contact Right Now! What do i do?!

[gonetildecember]

Ok, as im writig this im talking to my ex,.. the first contact he made since NC.. i dont know how im supposed to be acting.

Original Post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104325/

 

 

This is how what has happend so far:

K=me, O=him

 

O:

whats pop poppin

K:

chillin

O

u good momma

K:

yeah im good, what about u?

O:

im a live

k:

true

O:

hows school

K:

good as usual, how work?

O:

good

K:

good

O:

good

K:

LOL

O:

lol

whats so fun

funny

K:

nothing, i use it a lot

O:

y

K:

i dunno

O:

y

K:

i smile a lot i guess

O:

y

K:

dunno buddy

O:

dont call me buddy

K:

y

O:

dont ask me y only i ask y

K:

sorry

O:

u better b

K:

LOL

O:

its not funny

K:

what do i call u then

O:

king op

K:

No

O:

lol

yes

K:

not callin u that

O:

ok ok just king

lol

K:

no

O:

lol

y

what about ass hole

K:

im not mean

O:

king ass hole

big ass hole

gay ass hole

****in ass hole

pick one

K:

ur callin urself an *******?

O:

i kno i am thats what everyone calls me

K:

oh

O:

soo its ok if u call me that

K:

im not mean, but if they think so maybe u should stop being one

O:

im not

K:

ok

O:

lol

ok

K:

lol

O:

what

K:

sorry, habbit

O:

u look hot in that pic

K:

thanks

O:

thanks king op is what U wanted to say

K:

no i didnt. thanks buddy

O:

dont call me that

K:

why

O:

do u kno what a buddy is

K:

a friend

O:

lol

K:

sorry, thank u mr p

O:

K:

lol

O:

what is so funny tell me

K:

nothing, whenever i smile i use

O:

thats y they have this

K:

sorry, im used to lol

O:

well stop lol

K:

ok

O:

lol

im going to take a shower momma ill be back in a flash

K:

yup

O:

yup

K:

lol

O:

stop

K:

ok

O:

 

is that a normal first convo? its only been like 8 days.. did i do ok?? think im making any progress?

[gonetildecember]

he didn't come back

[Spinderella]

Sorry.

My immediate thoughts when I read your conversation were that he sounded really immature especially in comparison to you. Then I clicked on the link to your previous thread and this completely confirmed it for me. I'm absolutely positive you can do better than this guy. You sound very mature for your age. It sounds as though he doesnt want anybody else to have you, but, is too immature to deal with a real relationship.

Really, you can do better. Don't let anyone treat you less than you deserve.

[gonetildecember]

I know that, and i know we aren't supposed to only focus on the "good times" but isn't liek this.. recently.. he's been so distant and different. If my NC time makes me realise that I'm over him, i'll be fine with that- but i've tried dating other ppl, tried not talking to him..and in the end.. i always end up still wanting him back..

 

i miss him.. and i don't know if this NC thing is actually working for me.. i mean.. what if i'm going about it all wrong?

[Kamille]

indeed. What a loser he is.

 

Step away. He is trying to mess with your mind! Unfortunately for him it's not working because you're a smart one.

 

What I'm seeing on both threads is that he's making this all about him. He is not mature enough to SHARE his life with someone and unfortunately, you're the one who has to put with it.

 

Getting over someone takes time.

 

But I'm with Spinderella. You can do better. First step though, get over this loser! NC his ***.

[Spinderella]

you are clearly going about it all wrong, since nc means no contact and you were in contact with him yesterday! i think one of the benefits of no contact, is that it gives you some control in a situation you have no control over. you can't control the situation with him as you would like it to go, but, you can control how you react to it. nc, is a way of controlling your own participation in the situation, and is a healthy way to deal with it.

the trouble is, that the nc that you seem to be doing is still all on his terms. HE broke nc, so you broke nc. it is still all out of your control. he also will know this, and wont respect it. think you should be worrying more about whether he deserves your respect really, but, if he disrespects you, like he is doing, then you just feel worse.

nc is good, but, you have to stick to it until you feel strong enough to deal with the situation and make the right decisions.

[gonetildecember]

you are clearly going about it all wrong, since nc means no contact and you were in contact with him yesterday! i think one of the benefits of no contact, is that it gives you some control in a situation you have no control over. you can't control the situation with him as you would like it to go, but, you can control how you react to it. nc, is a way of controlling your own participation in the situation, and is a healthy way to deal with it.

the trouble is, that the nc that you seem to be doing is still all on his terms. HE broke nc, so you broke nc. it is still all out of your control. he also will know this, and wont respect it. think you should be worrying more about whether he deserves your respect really, but, if he disrespects you, like he is doing, then you just feel worse.

nc is good, but, you have to stick to it until you feel strong enough to deal with the situation and make the right decisions.

 

so im not supposed to respond when he makes contact?... i feel like i can handle it i guess, im not being my normal inviting/pushover self.. at least i don't think so..

 

he just messaged me again on msn, now im confused as to if i should be talking to him at all or avoiding him all together

[lolablue]

No don't talk to him at all! Sign out or just don't answer. NC is no contact, meaning texting, phoning, im'ing, nothing. Ignore him, you'll feel better.

[Kamille]

the guy can't make up his mind. by keeping in contact with him you're allowing him to stay in his comfort zone.

So don't make yourself available.

If he wants you, if he needs you, if he loves you, he needs to come to you.

 

Just my thoughts.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks guys,

its so easy for me to say that i'm ready to do no contact- but when it comes down to it it kills me not to respond...but if thats what i have to do, i guess i can..i thought it was fine to respond if he initiated contact, but i guess not...

[gonetildecember]

Ok, this might sound dumb... but what exactly are the rules of NC.. no contact for how long.. or until a certain number of calls?!

[Kamille]

Well that all depends what you want to acheive by NC. It sounds from what you've posted here that what you want is to get your guy to smarten up, get his act together and come back to you.

 

Well, I mean, ok silly me, you are posting in second chances.

 

The best purpose for NC though is to help you move on.

 

See, if you do want him back, moving on with your life grants you the upper hand. You get to be in the position of deciding whether or not he is good for you.

 

There's a rumor that it can drive some dumpers to snap out of their indecision, get their act together and convert into better significant others. I'll believe that one when I see it.

 

Sometimes, it just grants you the perspective you need to realize that that person you are NC-ing was actually not right for you.

 

You don't sound too tortured about the situation. You just, for reasons i don't get, want him back. So basically what you want is for him to show up and say: GTD, I want to make things work with us. Not, as funny and cute as it is "pop pop poppin, call me king *******".

[D-Lish]

You're making youself too available to him GTD!

 

I would just not answer him at all. He knows that everytime he reaches out to you that you'll be there. Do the unpredictable to shake him up a bit. That will send his ego into rejection mode and give you the upper hand.

 

I agree with Kamille~ he sounds very immature.

Tell him to go "pop off".

D

[gonetildecember]

lol.. u made me laugh..

its true.. half of the time im like K, why do u even want him back.. but after trying to get over it, dating other ppl.. i still feel like i want him in my life.. i guess u cant help who u fall in love with.

 

ultimately i want some sort of plan that will that will make him realise he needs to make some sort of decision (hopefully he chooses to come back to me) .. right now i just can't stand the back and forth.. one day he's calling me talking for 5 hours and saying he misses me as his gf, the next doesnt call for two weeks..

 

its just hard..not knowing.. and its hard to move on when theres a shred of hope.. i have tried trust me.. to the poitn where i dated someone for a few weeks..and when he leaned in to kiss me on day i started to cry and felt like i was going to throw up because it dawned on me, he wan't O....

 

i don't know,im honestly willing to do whatever it takes to get him back, even tho i know it may not happen, actually its likely it won't.. but i still want a try...i just don't know if NC is the way to go.. i know the pleading/whining wasn't working tho..

 

at the end of the conversation today, he said something about me always assuming he was talking to other girls.. jsut because he wasnt around me.. and i said.. i realise u dont want a gf, u don't want me, and i understand that.. im over it... he put a sad face and then said ok, i have to go, i love you...

 

i just dont get it!?

[Spinderella]

so you replied to him then??

[Guest]

Take back some control over the situation - he ended that conversation with 'I'm going to take a shower'. I would have ended it about halfway through with 'hey good chattin, gotta go ok' and then just logged off.

 

That means he knows you're busy and not waiting around for him.

[Kamille]

ultimately i want some sort of plan that will that will make him realise he needs to make some sort of decision (hopefully he chooses to come back to me) .. right now i just can't stand the back and forth.. one day he's calling me talking for 5 hours and saying he misses me as his gf, the next doesnt call for two weeks..

 

its just hard..not knowing.. and its hard to move on when theres a shred of hope.. i have tried trust me.. to the poitn where i dated someone for a few weeks..and when he leaned in to kiss me on day i started to cry and felt like i was going to throw up because it dawned on me, he wan't O....

 

i don't know,im honestly willing to do whatever it takes to get him back, even tho i know it may not happen, actually its likely it won't.. but i still want a try...i just don't know if NC is the way to go.. i know the pleading/whining wasn't working tho..

 

at the end of the conversation today, he said something about me always assuming he was talking to other girls.. jsut because he wasnt around me.. and i said.. i realise u dont want a gf, u don't want me, and i understand that.. im over it... he put a sad face and then said ok, i have to go, i love you...

 

i just dont get it!?

 

You went through a lot with this man so it's fair to expect that you're not just going to turn around and find someone new. Getting over somebody takes time, and until you do, unless some kind of miracle happens, you're probably not going to actualy actively seek someone you could fall in love with. (And if you do you could end up really messing up with their heads, as I've found out by being on the receiving end of such a scenario).

 

But anyways, here I go. I'm going to pull another ex out of my, ah, bag of tricks. (I realize now that the advantage of having dated a lot is that I get to always talk about myself on this forum ). This ex is a guy I was with for like 6 months.

 

He was definitely on the push-pull scenario and he kept saying things like : "You're too good for me", "I'm an *******", etc etc. I was so into him, that I was oblivious to the fact that he was actually refering to something real between us. I was ready for a relationship, I had a lot of things to offer him, my professional student career was taking off, etc.

 

He was looking for a job, drank every other night and was more in the mood for goofing off. See, he could not live up to my expectations and he knew it.

 

Now you might say you are so into your ex that you have no expectations. The fact is you probably do. Try and think about what they are. Think about how you envision a healthy relationship. And what you do, when you're with him, to build one. He sees those actions and realizes that he is incapable of responding to them the way he should. He realizes he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

But he still likes you. He also realizes you're a catch, so he keeps you on hold through this immature push pull scenario.

 

Does that make sense? I have learned, by actually being with two guys who were like this, that if a guy says he's an a-hole or if a guy says I'm too good for him, there is a grain of truth to it.

 

What your ex doesn't understand is why you're letting him get away with it.

[gonetildecember]

yeah i did... it was right before i got all the replies telling me not to.. but i kept it short and casual.. i had a pic up from work of me and a male friend and he kept asking "is that ur new bf"

 

and then about 30 minutes after he signed off saying that he had to go to bed because he had work in the morning, i heard a knock at my door and it was him (it takes 30 minutes to drive from him to me).. saying he just wanted to say hi and drop off flyers for an event he's throwing..

 

i was in shock! and i told him i had to go to bed, but he said, he just wanted to chill for a couple minutes..so we watched tv.. things were really low key until.. . the relationship questions popped up again... he asked what i'd been up to... i mentionned that i had gone on a couple "dates" not true lol.. but then he kept asking with who.. and kept saying so hows ur bf, when am i going to meet him

 

and i responded with.. "well what do you expect.. i dont want a gf right now- and i can't wait around forever.. i got sick of fighting for someone who wasn't fighting for me... so im trying some new things and meeting new ppl" and he said good..

 

but again brought up later my date and wanted to know who.. i mentionned one name he didnt recognise and one of the guys i saw casually after we split..

 

we got back to just talking.. i asked him if he missed me... and he said i don't want to tell you... i don't want you to know how i feel because you can use that to an advantage... and i said. but if u don't want a gf.. what does it matter... and he responded with.. "i just don't want to come out and say it... but u know how i feel"

 

he mentionned that he's still confused over what he wants... he thinks having a gf right now is "too much pressure" because that means he would have someone loving him andhe wouldn't want to disappoint them.... and then i said.. me loving you puts pressure on u... and he said.. no that's different.. and i said how.. and then he said.. i dunno.. im just confused.. but wouldn't clarify what he was confused about..

 

he hugged me and kissed me when he left and stupidly i let him..

 

now i feel like im back at square one... i don't know if i completely took like 10 steps backwards...

[gonetildecember]

 

He was looking for a job, drank every other night and was more in the mood for goofing off. See, he could not live up to my expectations and he knew it.

 

Now you might say you are so into your ex that you have no expectations. The fact is you probably do. Try and think about what they are. Think about how you envision a healthy relationship. And what you do, when you're with him, to build one. He sees those actions and realizes that he is incapable of responding to them the way he should. He realizes he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

But he still likes you. He also realizes you're a catch, so he keeps you on hold through this immature push pull scenario.

 

What your ex doesn't understand is why you're letting him get away with it.

 

I see a lot of similarities in my ex ..that u mentionned about yours..the fact is.. he spends a large part of his day working and is very dedicated to that, and when he gets home, he boxes and then usually drinks and goofs off with his friends...and a lot of the time he uses it as an excuse as to why he doesn't want a gf .. he would neglect her..

 

but i've lived thru it, it was the same when we were together and it was fine with me because for once i had someone who understand that i was busy- i go to school fulltime, work full time, run an advertising business on the side and love going out with my friends- but it wasn't a problem- we always made time for each other.. whether it was thru texting 20 times a day, to phone calls.. to random visits.. sometimes he would come sit in classes with me just to see me..

 

i know that there are still feelings there.. if not he would have been gone a long time ago.. he's told me stories about him not feeling anything anymore for one of his ex's and just ending it, despite hurting her... i can feel it whenever im with him... one of his best friends that i saw out a few weeks ago even said... i've never seen O act like that with a female...usually he doesn't care- ends it and moves on and doesn't look back.. u guys "broke up" in June and he probably cares about u more than he did then...

 

i agree, i definetly let him get away with it, but i think thats my mechanism because im so scared of losing him