long term relationship

[raybrown]

Deos anyone notice this ... when you are in a long term relationship ...

 

1) I can't put in as much time and effort to my work anymore because she will start complaining about me neglecting her. I want to build my career but she seems to think that (even now) one only has to work 8 hours a day.

 

2) I have to think about my finances in terms of the TOTAL rather than PER HEAD spent (only one of us works, and we don't make that much money).

 

3) I have to constantly come up with reasons to justify what I do and not do (like, why do I put my dishes this way, and why can't we spend some money and go travel).

 

4) I have take her (often very irrational) needs into account when it comes to diplomacy (with other people) and money.

 

5) I can't make as much social connections anymore because she's no longer the social butterfly she used to be and she would rather do things with me alone.

 

6) I don't have as much time doing my own stuff (or things that are needed to be done, like fixing the house) anymore because she always wants to go somewhere or do something -- together -- all the time.

 

7) I no longer have a "subsistance" position to fall back to when I am in trouble (you have to rent this really nice place for us, event though you can't afford it, or we will not be happy).

 

8) When I am struggling to keep everything afloat, she accuses me of not being romantic enough.

 

Back in the days when I was single, the only had to worry about getting blown off by women. I feels like I have just traded one problem with many many others. I can deal with them, and so far I have done quite well. But sometimes, I often want to achieve much more than what I can now, and I feel dragged down by her.

 

But I also love her very much.

 

I don't think this is new to everyone. I am looking for opinions, and your way of dealing with it.

 

She has done her share and I appreciate it very much, but I am looking for ways to let her see my contribution to the relationship.

 

Thanks

[princessa]

You sound like you're very unhappy in this relationship. Are you sure that this is what you want?? Normally you shouldn't stay with somebody who not only drags you down morally, but also financially... But of course I don't know the details of your story.. But just generally you sound like you have more negative aspects to this relationship than positive ones... What makes you stay? What are some of the positive things that she does for you and to brighten up your life in general??

[raybrown]

You sound like you're very unhappy in this relationship ... What makes you stay? What are some of the positive things that she does for you and to brighten up your life in general??

 

On the contrary, we are happier with each other with each passing day. Neither of us have any problems committing. The only thing stopping us from having a family together is money.

 

We both are very happy when we are with each other, and despite that we are poor (and sometimes we argue) we are very satisfied. We miss each other when we are not around each other, and no matter what happens during the day, seeing her makes everything feel better.

 

Are you sure that this is what you want??

Normally you shouldn't stay with somebody who not only drags you down morally, but also financially... But of course I don't know the details of your story.. But just generally you sound like you have more negative aspects to this relationship than positive ones...

 

I have had these feelings very early on, but it accentuates now. Sometimes I am not sure if it is better being single again (and be able to achieve much more than now) than to be "stable" with someone I love. I have seen so many of my (male) friends going down the same path as I, and I don't want to head that way.

[My Fair Katie]

I hear ya, money/finances tend to be the number 1 argument of most couples.

 

Anyway, you say she doesn't feel you spend enough time together, you do realize those household chores can be done together (I'm assuming you live together if you're sharing financial responsiblities).

 

My husband and I recently spent a weekend priming and painting our master bedroom (it's now blue, I've always wanted a blue bedroom). We listened to music and chatted while we painted. It was a lot of fun. Much more fun than just renting a movie and being a bump on the sofa. And when we were done we were proud of the work we did.

 

There's also the el-cheapo dates. We walk, a lot. Go hiking, go to the gardens, pack a picnic. Tons of ways to spend time together without breaking the bank. We also take an active interest in eachother's work. I know all his coworkers by name, even those I haven't met. I know what projects he's working on, and often the time crunch he's under. It's easy to be sympathetic to his need to work a little extra when he shares his stress (to be fair though, he works from home, so even when he works late I can go into his office and give him a hug whenever I like).

 

As far as curbing spending, ask your banking institution if they offer free financial planning. Take your gf and your finances. My husband (who is slightly anal) will whip up a spreadsheet every now and then to find out where we have to curb our spending (we eat out waaaaay too often). She can see for herself what insisting on some fancy schmancy apartment is doing to your financial future. Sometimes it's easier to believe when it comes from a third party, instead of your significant other that you are overspending.

 

Anywho, good luck.

[raybrown]

Was reading Mars and Venus, and I suppose here is what's happening ....

 

She wants me to do every little things. I prioritize them, and she accused me of not paying enough attention. I only have so much time and energy (and money) to do this "everything" and I am totally stressed out because I have also my own things to worry about.

 

Sometimes I just want her to show more restaint and displine when it comes to all these issues. She can't just assume that I am not respecting her feelings or trying to control her just because I don't do everything she asked for.

 

That seems that everytime I say no, she'd get angry and lost it. Then she would think about it for a few minutes and realize the big picture. We have been dating (and living together) for a long time and she would have known me. But she still thinks it is an issue of control and power play.

 

As for the money thing, she's getting a lot better, but the banker thing I still think is very useful to put everything in perspective as I am a little concerned with dough sometimes.

[Curmudgeon]

First marriage, yes. Part of why it's long been over with.

 

Current marriage, no. I chose more wisely. My wife and I are in accord about almost everything.

[Rooster_DAR]

I hear ya, money/finances tend to be the number 1 argument of most couples.

 

Anyway, you say she doesn't feel you spend enough time together, you do realize those household chores can be done together (I'm assuming you live together if you're sharing financial responsiblities).

 

My husband and I recently spent a weekend priming and painting our master bedroom (it's now blue, I've always wanted a blue bedroom). We listened to music and chatted while we painted. It was a lot of fun. Much more fun than just renting a movie and being a bump on the sofa. And when we were done we were proud of the work we did.

 

There's also the el-cheapo dates. We walk, a lot. Go hiking, go to the gardens, pack a picnic. Tons of ways to spend time together without breaking the bank. We also take an active interest in eachother's work. I know all his coworkers by name, even those I haven't met. I know what projects he's working on, and often the time crunch he's under. It's easy to be sympathetic to his need to work a little extra when he shares his stress (to be fair though, he works from home, so even when he works late I can go into his office and give him a hug whenever I like).

 

As far as curbing spending, ask your banking institution if they offer free financial planning. Take your gf and your finances. My husband (who is slightly anal) will whip up a spreadsheet every now and then to find out where we have to curb our spending (we eat out waaaaay too often). She can see for herself what insisting on some fancy schmancy apartment is doing to your financial future. Sometimes it's easier to believe when it comes from a third party, instead of your significant other that you are overspending.

 

Anywho, good luck.

 

Your husband is a lucky man.

[Rooster_DAR]

Was reading Mars and Venus, and I suppose here is what's happening ....

 

She wants me to do every little things. I prioritize them, and she accused me of not paying enough attention. I only have so much time and energy (and money) to do this "everything" and I am totally stressed out because I have also my own things to worry about.

 

Sometimes I just want her to show more restaint and displine when it comes to all these issues. She can't just assume that I am not respecting her feelings or trying to control her just because I don't do everything she asked for.

 

That seems that everytime I say no, she'd get angry and lost it. Then she would think about it for a few minutes and realize the big picture. We have been dating (and living together) for a long time and she would have known me. But she still thinks it is an issue of control and power play.

 

As for the money thing, she's getting a lot better, but the banker thing I still think is very useful to put everything in perspective as I am a little concerned with dough sometimes.

 

Perhaps you need to tell her all the concerns you listed here. If she is mature, you guys can discuss it openly.

 

Every woman I have been with is nearly identical to what your describing. It does get difficult, and it often is perplexing to me as well.

 

Regards,