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[hoss_66]

Help! In a nutshell, I'm a single male in my mid thirties who has become intimately involved with a married woman. To make matters worse, I've been friends with her husband for almost ten years. (Believe me, I know a real friend does not steal his buddie's wife!). I nor I think she, ever intended for this to happen, but it did and I've been on a complete emotional roller coaster.

I used to sort of justify my feelings because we all spend a lot of time together and I would see that he treated her like a maid and cook and never had a good thing to say to her. He would go out of his way to stay late after work and would tell me that he would rather hang out with friends than go home to his wife and two yr old son. One time (when she and I had no feelings towards eachother yet) he actually asked me if I would consider dating her if things between them didn't work out, because he knew I loved his son like family and knew that I'd look after the two of them and he realized she and I got along so well. He'd voice these things to me long before his wife and I became involved as more than friends and before it ever entered my mind to be with her.

Once she and I did become involved, she'd tell me that the two of them agreed that the only thing keeping them together was their son, and that they had nothing in common other than the kid. That she loved him as her son's father but knew in her heart that he was not the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That my involvement had nothing to do with her marital problems and "no promises to our future together but regardless she and him were done". At my insistence, about three months ago she went to counciling and at the counselor's urging she started bringing him with her. He went to three sessions and then told her it was a waste of money and not only did he refuse to go back, but told her that it cost too much and she had to stop going as well.

Anyway, she and I went this past yr seeing eachother more often than they would spend time together(physically never past touching and hugging and the occasional kiss), really more emotionally involved than anything, and so often spoke of how best to deal with our situation. For six months she's been saying she's leaving but doesn't seem to be making the move. I thought we had agreed she would leave him, spend a month or two on her own and then the two of us would approach him and let him know that we had decided to start dating. We felt this would be the gentlest plan for him and their son. I know he'll be hurt regardless of how she leaves him but we thought this would be the best way. I've been shopping for a home further away-we live three houses from each other and she's always shown great interest in where I'm looking and how it's progressing as we've said that eventually we'll be sharing the new home.

Anyway, the last two weeks have been hell. Two Sundays ago, I was out of town and she called numerous times during the day(as is normal with us) and that afternoon on my way home she specifically called to say she is finally ready to do this and was convinced that the time was right to let him know she was leaving. I got home that afternoon and proceeded to go two weeks without hearing a word from her, where she didn't answer her cell or their home phone and basically went off the map avoiding any contact with me. I went nuts for those two weeks and thought if she'd changed her mind about us or him that I at least deserved her to tell me, not just ignore me. Then this past weekend we all were at a mutual friend's b-day party and she wouldn't look me in the eye and everytime we were in close proximity she'd quickly leave the room. And for the 1st time I can ever remember she was actually showing him the affection that a wife normally does-almost like she was trying to make a statemewnt to me that things have changed. I was devastated and mad etc. THEN the next morning she calls me and says that he was going to be gone for the day and she'd like to see me, acting like nothing had changed. Told me to meet her in town to hang out at the park and to call her in an hour or so to set a time. I called and called and got no answer. ROLLERCOASTER of feelings! Next day we got to talk briefly and she just told me that I was getting paranoid and she'd been extremely busy and preoccupied and hadn't had a chance to call me back etc. I told her I was still commited to her until she told me to be otherwise and she said her feelings for me hadn't changed and to have faith in her and in us. A few more days have passed and she has been contacting, but not as often as before. She used to always go out of her way to tell me she loved me etc. and now only says it if I say it first. And contrary to the girl from before two weeks ago, there have been a couple of times where we could have had a few minutes alone and she seems to go out of her way to retreat from me so as not to be stuck alone with me.

I know my best move right now is to buy the new house and get further away from them so they can sort the marriage out one way or the other, but the thought terrifies me that if I don't see her on a regular basis, I'll lose her altogether. Have I pressured her to the point she's overwhelmed? Has he recommited to her or vice versa?(he does seem to be turning into a gentler more caring person over the last month or so). Was I just an emotional crutch for her, or a tool to get his attention? Am I a complete fool like I suspect????

Help me folks! Yell at me whatever, I need some insight PLEASE!!!!

[pureinheart]

Wow....

 

If I miss it here sorry...sometimes my comprehension is not that good....I would be careful in this as you are hearing first hand both sides....

 

Sometimes people use the OM/OW to make their spouses jealous....I have seen situations where they throw the other person in the spouses face. It really sounds like she has said something to her H about you, but how far she has gone is unknown.

 

They are both showing great signs of instability....first he says for you to go out with her/ then will be hurt if she leaves? He needs to pick one....then she is all on you and then is not....something isn't right...they both could turn on you.

 

They could be puling you in some sort of sick game which is quite similar to my old situation....let her actually divorce him first and then see if there are possibilities....you are close to the little guy which is good....at least he has some stability....

 

You sound like a good guy....so be good to you!!!!!!!! Hey focus your attention to the little guy....sounds like he needs it.....

[hoss_66]

Thanks for the advice. As for him asking me if I thought she and I might date if they split up, I asked him at the time why a married man would ask that question of his friend. It totally caught me off guard and seemed way out there to me. His reply was that he didn't think the two of them would make it together and if that was the case he would rather have her and his son with someobody that he was sure would treat his son in a good way. This was a few months before she and I even became intimate and I kind of took it as a fatalistic outlook on his part, and a compliment to me as someone who really does care about his kid. Maybe his thoughts to me and things like this actually opened my mind towards looking at her as more than my friend's wife- I don't know. So no, I don't think he's playing any games with me or his relationship, that's just kind of the way he is. As for her, I'm not sure....Has she told him about me, or maybe about her feelings towards me? Maybe, but I doubt it, as I really think he would not be able to stop himself from confronting me, even if she begged him not to. He's a total "man's man" and he's never been one to keep his mouth shut if something is bothering him, he'll just come right out and say it.

As to her trying to make him jealous or use me to try to make him change...I think that may be a possibility. Where he is the type of guy that is very set in his ways and very gruff and rough around the edges-with her and with their son, I'm much more gentle and laid back. Where he has no patience for his kid and wife, I'm what many people call a big teddy bear. Where he comes home and wants to veg out in front of the TV, I'd rather turn the

TV off and talk or all do something together. There have been times where his son will beg him to play and he just flat out says no and tells him to be quiet so he can watch TV, and then the kid comes to me for attention. Then she will rip into him telling him that it's B.S. and that he should get down on the floor and play with his son. Other things like if I go over for dinner and I tell her it's great and thank her for cooking, she'll say across the room to him how nice it is to have someone in the house who appreciates her hard work. I'm not trying to make myself sound superior here, I understand that we just have completely different personalities. He really is a good guy at heart which has kept me up many sleepless nights, questioning my integrity and wondering how desperate and alone I may have become.

And as for the little guy, we love each other to death and both parents know it. They both have always encouraged the two of us to spend time together(especially her) and there has never been any tension in that regard until this week. Subtle changes the past few days which I've noticed. If the kid would cling to me and bother me(which I love) she used to just smile her huge smile and I'd see her eyes light up. Tonight at thanksgiving(yes I'm an idiot for spending thanksgiving with them! but we've done that for five years running) when the kid would come to sit on my lap she'd snatch him up and tell him to quit pestering me and then bring him directly to his dad. That was a huge change in her attitude towards me and it hurt sooo badly but it also made me feel horrible to think I might be messing with my little buddies life as well. As for dad there were a few times tonight that he brought the kid over and asked if it was ok to pass him off for a while, so I felt no change in him the way I did in her.

Anyway, I'm trying to move forward and I'm hoping to corner her and make her talk to me and tell me where I stand- where her marriage stands etc. I think I deserve that, but maybe not...Ya'll can let me know. I just feel like even if she has wriiten me off that her telling me will help me move on and give us some closure.

Sorry about my long posts, it actually helps just to type this stuff out and get it in the semi open. I must sound like a complete lunatic!

[pureinheart]

No quite the opposite, you don't sound like a lunatic ...hurt is hurt period and writing, communicating in some form is healthy....reaching out to this forum is healthy.

 

Wow...this is a difficult situation for all of you and very uncomfortable and yes you do deserve the truth and closure.....

 

Okay, what kind of closure can you handle....meaning can you remain friends with him? And her? Have there been times in the friendship that you didn't hang out for a couple of months or so....actually that would be the best thing because I guarantee your friend will pick up on the tension concerning you and his wife and am very surprized he hasn't picked up something yet.

 

I know it hurts, but distancing yourself in what ever way you need to is best for you, as there is light at the end of the tunnel. Look, your a really nice guy and trust me there is someone out there for you that is free and clear.

 

Could this friendship be keeping you in a type of bondage?

 

Hey and don't be too hard on yourself, be kind to yourself.....

[Spinderella]

I think you are fantasizing far too much about taking his place, both as a partner and father. You might not think you are or be concious of doing this, but, it comes across in your posts. Look, you might be a great guy, but, this guy is the kids father and her huband, and I am sure he loves them both very much.

It sounds to me as though, she is trying to let you down gently, and unfair as it is, has some resentment toward you. I dont know how you will do this without looking suspicious, but, you need to get away from the entire family, and move on so you can create one of your own.

Perhaps you should move to another area. Honestly, she isnt leaving him. Dont drag it out.

[hoss_66]

Maybe you are right about me fantasizing about taking his place, Spinderella. That thought has actually crossed my mind that I may subconciously be trying to hop into this ready made family(minus their husband and father of course).

I know I need to move away and soon, I really do. And I know that she most likely won't leave him and if she even does our odds of making it are slim to none. I'm usually a very logical, right vs. wrong thinking person. But this has somehow been much different. I think I can comprehend what a drug addict or alcoholic goes through now. I know this is morally wrong, I know this is physically and emotionally tearing me apart and I keep telling myself to just quit and I just can't seem to do it! Has anyone else felt that way?

Update: Finally got MW alone today for about ten minutes and confronted her on her change in behavior etc. She wasn't suprised and admitted that she had been shying away from me, feeling the pressure etc. She said that her feelings are still the same with me and she still plans on leaving him but it has been much harder to actually do it than she thought. Said she wakes up every day and swears she'll do it that day and just can't seem to follow through. I told her that at the very least she needs to tell me if her feelings or plans etc change because all this aside we've been wonderful friends for ten yrs and if we aren't ever together lets at least remember the friendship and good times we had before we got ourselves into this mess. She completely agreed and said she would, but who knows? She's been living a lie w/her hubby, why not me too.

Anyway, this sounds like a skipping record here like many of the posts I've been reading. And pureinheart, thanks for the thoughts again, you seem to be a nice, caring person.