First Love Break Up Confusion

[Giver]

My boyfriend and I broke up about 5 months ago.

 

We were together for almost 3 years. He was my first real boyfriend, my first love, the first guy I'd ever lived with and it felt like we had this amazing connection.

 

We broke up about a month before I was to head overseas for two months for work. It was a mutual decision that we needed a "break" as things had really slowed down and we had been living more like friends than lovers for quite some time. About 3 weeks later (while we were still living with each other) he started seeing someone else. I couldn't cope with the situation and moved out saying that I couldn't be near him while he was seeing her so he stopped seeing her for the month before I left. During this time we started sleeping with each other again and I realised that I still loved him very deeply, and wrote so in a letter.

 

Meanwhile the girl that he had been seeing was posting drawings of the two of them in intimate poses (they are both illustrators). When i confronted him about it, what her motivation was behind it we had one of the most horrible fights that we had ever had. I asked him to wait for me, to give us another chance when I got back and he said "we'll see what happens."

 

The next two months were the worst of my life. After being in Canada for two weeks he told me that he was "sort of" seeing that girl again. And that they were "sort of" together even though he described the situation as casual. When I told him that I had been thinking about how beautiful things would be if we had got back together he said that he had been thinking of that too and was really torn about his decision. I was deeply depressed for the rest of my time overseas constantly seeing new images that she had drawn of them on the internet and then finally an image that he had drawn himself saying that he loved her.

 

I reacted by sending him an email declairing that I never wanted to see him again, and how hurt I was to find this out through a stupid picture on the internet, and how disrespectful it was. His response was a series of frantic emails expressing how upset he was at my reaction and apoligising profusely for the image.

 

When I got back, the first time we saw each other again was great, just like we used to be. the past 2 times have been awful and ended with me screaming at him and storming out.

 

He insists that I am an important part of his life (we were always best friends during our relationship) and wants to see me and us to be friends. I want this too except whenever we start getting along again I become confused and think that there is a chance we may get back together. I think maybe he still loves me and dosen't really love her, but then I see posts from her on stupid sites like myspace that say otherwise.

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I keep looking at these sites because they are there but I feel like I am becomming obsessed with my ex. He even accused me of spying on him when I was upset by something that I had seen on the net.

 

I know that this is a longwinded post but I'm so confused as to what to do. I do love him dearly and want him to be a part of my life, but is this possible?? I don't like what the situation is turning me into. I feel like I need him to sit down with me and tell me straight the way that he feels about this girl and what's going on with no "sort of's". And then not see him for a really long time.......i know what I should do, I just can't seem to do it.

[Kamille]

Yeah Giver it does sound like you know what you should do. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I think you've come to the right place.

 

Healing takes time and you are doing yourself a disservice by remaining in contact with him. You say yourself that the break up was mutual. At least you have that. Behind all that hurt, deep down you know you have to let him go. You guys are great friends, will always have a special place in each other's lives, but you are no longer a couple.

 

I'm sure you've seen that many people here are trying to maintain no contact with their ex. We all do it for different reasons. I would suggest you resolve yourself to no contact until you start to feel better about the end of the relationship. That is, I suggest you try no contact until you can accept it's over.

 

 

there's a really good thread here about no contact, in coping I think. I'll try to find it and bump it up.

 

good luck giver! we're here for support, 24/7

[Krying]

Hey Giver. Sorry to hear you tale. As tempting as it sounds, I would stop looking at the pictures and online stuff your ex is posting. It will be hard, but you will feel better once you can stop yourself from looking at that info. It's only hurting you over and over again. I can't talk from experience as I'm struggling myself to get over my ex. It does sound however like maybe NC would be the best thing for you to do. Your ex will ever come back to you or you will find someone else.

[Giver]

Thanks Kamille.

 

that article is great, I think I will have to post it on my wall and read it every morning! The hardest part about this whole thing I guess is losing a friend....I suppose the friendship will always be there if it's as strong as I think it is. I just hope I can hold out with the whole NC thing. I haven't been too good at it so far.

[Giver]

For some reason it's usually when I'm feeling down that I will look at the web pages. Sitting at work on a computer all day makes it really hard not to look. Right now I absolutely hate the internet!

 

I guess the next few months are going to be hard work.

[Kamille]

For some reason it's usually when I'm feeling down that I will look at the web pages. Sitting at work on a computer all day makes it really hard not to look. Right now I absolutely hate the internet!

 

I guess the next few months are going to be hard work.

 

Yeah I have developped an addiction to LS from trying not to go look at my ex's myspace.... Now I'm just addicted because I've met a lot of people here. Well except for tonight... Tonight I had a relapse... grrrr.

 

But yes, the next few months are going to be hard work! See, the best thing to do when entering no contact is to keep busy: go to the gym, volunteer, pick up a hobby, rekindle long-lost friendships. Make new friends on LS.

 

You'll get there. You just have to make getting back to your old self your priority.

[Giver]

Yeah I have developped an addiction to LS from trying not to go look at my ex's myspace.... Now I'm just addicted because I've met a lot of people here. Well except for tonight... Tonight I had a relapse... grrrr.

 

But yes, the next few months are going to be hard work! See, the best thing to do when entering no contact is to keep busy: go to the gym, volunteer, pick up a hobby, rekindle long-lost friendships. Make new friends on LS.

 

You'll get there. You just have to make getting back to your old self your priority.

My god how I hate myspace!!

 

But I must say, this site already feels like a god send so I guess the internet's not all that bad

 

Mmmm, I think I will most definately have to make a list of ways to keep busy....I'm moving into a new house with 5 other people tomorrow and I'm hoping that they will be a constant source of social distraction

[D-Lish]

It will be a great distraction to get into a new situation with a house full of people!

 

Ahhh, I miss those days back in university, living with a lively mix of people. It's great for networking.... and meeting new guys!

 

Don't torture yourself by looking at his web page... it's only going to make things a million times harder. It's so difficult to remain friends with an ex when things are fresh. In my experience, the only way I have been able to be friends with an ex was when I was truly over them romantically.

 

Unfortunately, the only way to light a fire under him is to cut off contact and make it appear that you are happily moving on with your life.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting!

D

[Giver]

It will be a great distraction to get into a new situation with a house full of people!

 

Ahhh, I miss those days back in university, living with a lively mix of people. It's great for networking.... and meeting new guys!

 

Don't torture yourself by looking at his web page... it's only going to make things a million times harder. It's so difficult to remain friends with an ex when things are fresh. In my experience, the only way I have been able to be friends with an ex was when I was truly over them romantically.

 

Unfortunately, the only way to light a fire under him is to cut off contact and make it appear that you are happily moving on with your life.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting!

D

Yeah I'm really looking forward to it and think that it will make moving on alot easier.

 

This whole NC thing sounds neccesary except I'm such a sap! I'm always the first with the olive branch, I'm a giver. I think I'm going to have to plan this thing.....I'm writing a date down for when NC will start!

[silentalways]

a long time ago when i was coo-cooo bananas and going into naughty chat rooms, i used the moniker 'giver'. i think i got that from a baseball cap my bro gave me. anyhooooooooooo, guess i should add my 2 cents in regarding the internet and taking a peek at an ex's site - i used to have a zillion sites [music, art, rambles, blogs] and i wish i had spent more time actually talking with the ex instead of posting. i don't think she ever was as self-absorbed with gloom and misery as i was - lol. i guess my question is this, is someone tells u over a year ago that everything is beyond hope and then u get yer life in order, and want to make a big commitment - do u push that out of mind or hang on [i think i know the answer - lol].

[Kamille]

lol. Good idea! Some people have compared NC with quitting smoking. I used to smoke and I can tell you that they are right. NC was hard because I would get those moments when I would drive myself crazy trying to justify a good reason to get in touch.

 

This place is always good to turn too at such moments. Or call a friend. Or go for a walk. Or hang out with one of those 5 roomates.

[Giver]

lol. Good idea! Some people have compared NC with quitting smoking. I used to smoke and I can tell you that they are right. NC was hard because I would get those moments when I would drive myself crazy trying to justify a good reason to get in touch.

 

This place is always good to turn too at such moments. Or call a friend. Or go for a walk. Or hang out with one of those 5 roomates.

hehe.....

 

well he's comming to a bbq with a bunch of our friends on the weekend so I guess it'll kind of be like that final cigarette......His friends are my friends so that part is going to be hard...

[Giver]

a long time ago when i was coo-cooo bananas and going into naughty chat rooms, i used the moniker 'giver'. i think i got that from a baseball cap my bro gave me. anyhooooooooooo, guess i should add my 2 cents in regarding the internet and taking a peek at an ex's site - i used to have a zillion sites [music, art, rambles, blogs] and i wish i had spent more time actually talking with the ex instead of posting. i don't think she ever was as self-absorbed with gloom and misery as i was - lol. i guess my question is this, is someone tells u over a year ago that everything is beyond hope and then u get yer life in order, and want to make a big commitment - do u push that out of mind or hang on [i think i know the answer - lol].

I didn't mean "giver" in a rude way...........

[gonetildecember]

Yeah I'm really looking forward to it and think that it will make moving on alot easier.

 

This whole NC thing sounds neccesary except I'm such a sap! I'm always the first with the olive branch, I'm a giver. I think I'm going to have to plan this thing.....I'm writing a date down for when NC will start!

 

Looks like the two of us have to grow some balls and start doing whats necessary eh, i call myself a sap too lol;)

[Giver]

Looks like the two of us have to grow some balls and start doing whats necessary eh, i call myself a sap too lol;)

he he

 

I just need to stop being so nice I spose.....although, I like that I'm a nice person, I'm a giver not a taker Maybe I should start hunting for a big beauhunk to be "nice" to lol

[MSserious]

FIRST LOVES SUCK!

 

i know how the "myspace" checking goes. although i tell myself i hate my ex for all he's worth, i still do a little updating for myself. it's ridiculous because i know he's really not worth it. but you know? he's not worth the friendship, that's what i think tho. you deserved the respect before and after the relationship. he needs to make up his mind. you can't always be there for him. don't continue hurting yourself, it seems he's making it clear he loves her.

[silentcharon]

Giver,

 

First loves are really tough. Mine was for 7 years- we broke up ten months ago back in February.

 

You are going through a very similiar situation that I went through during my break up process with my ex. Feel free to read up on my threads, some people gave very good advice that I should have gone with in the first place.

 

His response was a series of frantic emails expressing how upset he was at my reaction and apoligising profusely for the image.

 

When I got back, the first time we saw each other again was great, just like we used to be. the past 2 times have been awful and ended with me screaming at him and storming out.

 

That's his ego for you- he only did that because he knows he hurt you, but he still wants you there anyway. I flipped out on my ex and went NC- that was when he came back, it was only because he lost me and couldn't have what he wanted. Your ex is doing the same- wanting what he can't have, that's all there is to it.

 

He insists that I am an important part of his life (we were always best friends during our relationship) and wants to see me and us to be friends. I want this too except whenever we start getting along again I become confused and think that there is a chance we may get back together. I think maybe he still loves me and dosen't really love her, but then I see posts from her on stupid sites like myspace that say otherwise.

 

Don't do it! This, too, happened to me. We tried to be friends, but my ex kept getting confused. I was trying to be friends with him, and be firm with it- no crossing the "couples only" lines. He did things like put his spare house keys on my key chain without my knowledge and let his hugs linger longer- I hated wondering about whether every little thing he did was supposed to mean more than what it really was. In the end I went NC because I could not stand it, I was tired of giving my ex my all while not getting much in return other than confusion.

 

You said it yourself- you keep getting confused. Is the pain worth maintaining the friendship with your ex? That's really up to you to decide- but make sure it's what YOU want, not your ex. I would highly recommend NC in this kind of situation- it will help clear up your head and give your ex the space he needs right now. Absence makes the heart fonder- remember, even though your ex is with someone else, you still have to give NC chance. You haven't really let him miss you yet, experience life without you- yes, I'm sorry to say, with the new girl. Try it out, I gurantee you that you will come out a better person out of NC as you will discover new things about yourself that you never knew.

 

What? You want to talk to your ex before going NC? Your ex already gave you his answer, even though he may not have said it. He is with the new girl, not YOU. That's your answer. Look at his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. I doubt he will give you the answers you want to hear before going NC- but if you think it'll help, go ahead, but please, keep in mind, he may not even know the answers himself.

 

Take it easy- keep us updated.

[Giver]

Thank you so much for this advice SC,

I saw my ex yesterday at a picnic with some of our friends and things were fine. I'm not sure but I think I may be finally comming to terms with things and seeing him more like a friend.....I still feel upset when I think abut him with the new girl but i think this might just be lonliness. To be honest, I don't get the same feeling of excitement when I see him anymore. I think I'm at the point where I don't need to contact him, but if he wants to get in touch with me (which he will and does) that's not a problem.....

 

It's like something in my brain/heart just suddenly clicked over...does this make sense?

[silentcharon]

Thank you so much for this advice SC,

I saw my ex yesterday at a picnic with some of our friends and things were fine. I'm not sure but I think I may be finally comming to terms with things and seeing him more like a friend.....I still feel upset when I think abut him with the new girl but i think this might just be lonliness. To be honest, I don't get the same feeling of excitement when I see him anymore. I think I'm at the point where I don't need to contact him, but if he wants to get in touch with me (which he will and does) that's not a problem.....

 

It's like something in my brain/heart just suddenly clicked over...does this make sense?

 

Yes. It makes perfect sense, it too happened to me when I found out about the other girl. Something just clicked in me and it essentially forced me to move on. The whole thing was just weird for me too. I stopped contacting him, and since then, he basically told me it made him realize how much he really missed me, and that he still had more feelings than he was willing to admit. I don't know what's going to happen now- so far I haven't been contacting him- he contacts me and asks me to go do things with him which I do occasionally. It's a bit hard to move on after 7 years, you know?

 

While something may have clicked in you, you still have some healing to do. So hang in there, you'll be okay!

[D-Lish]

While something may have clicked in you, you still have some healing to do. So hang in there, you'll be okay!

 

I agree that there is most likely more healing to be done. I think it comes in waves and stages. Good days and bad days, strong days and weak days. Some days you feel like you're over it, then something tiggers a fond memory and you'll miss them again.

 

I'm just entering the angry stage. I thought it would be better, being angry... but it's still a passionate emotion, one that reminds me I'm obviously not close to being fully recovered. The fact that he has the ability to make me feel so much anger, means I still care.

 

I think most of the people that post here, and remain here for a while, are usually sensitive, deep people. It's not a bad thing to experience pain, infact it's integral to the process of being able to move forward, to move past our losses. If we didn't go through all the stages of grieving, we'd just stay "stuck"

 

That's my little rant for today...

D