an age-old question

[Travelling gal]

I'll be 30 in a couple of months, and till recently was single. I met a really nice guy a few months ago, and we've been slowly getting to know eachother. Due to work we're both out of the country pretty frequently.

I really liked this guy right from the start: intelligent, attractive, polite, kind, mature, funny, not aggressive...whatever - a good catch....until I found out his age. Why does it creep me out? I thought he was *maybe* 35...and it turns out he's 13 years older than me. He was even embarrassed about it. But even funnier, he tried to break up with me because he thought I was in my early 20s and too young for him. I guess we are both well-preserved.

I am wondering if I am mentally trying to sabotage this relationship (he seems fairly serious about wanting to get to know me, says he's sick of being single, etc). The age thing is not really a big deal, is it? All the things that attracted me to him were probably the product of his being older. But there's something still weird about it to me. Does anyone have any advice about how I can get past this?

[Tony T]

Nobody can crawl into your mind and change its function. Getting past this age thing is totally a function of your thinking.

 

You have to go with how you feel. This age thing often has a lot to do with a lady's brothers. If she had much older brothers, it's likely that she will go for much older men. If her father died, divorced her mother or was otherwise available when she was growing up, a woman may search for a much older man as a father figure, mentor or someone who can give her the guidance she missed out on in her youth.

 

A man who is 13 years older than you hardly qualifies as a father figure. For the majority of 30-year-old women, this age difference would be no problem whatsoever. My guess is that you were just jolted by this age difference because you had never given a lot of thought to being with an older man.

 

If being around him didn't bother you before he told you his age, then it's totally a head thing. There are many successful marriages between people where there is an age difference of 20 and even 30 years. It just depends on the people, their maturity, their education, and how they feel about it.

 

This forum is not designed to make people change their feelings about things. If you feel uncomfortable about this age difference, it won't work. That's terribly unfortunate. He probably would have made a wonderful partner for you.

 

If I were you, my biggest fear would be that when he is 100, you will be 87 and probably way TOO OLD FOR HIM!!! At that time, he will probably be looking for a gal in her 40's.

[jimthzz]

hey, me might not be able to keep up with a 30-year-old woman's libido without modern science intervening!

 

And you might not have the same pop culture touchstones.

 

But other than those constraints, we're all people.

[Bill]

Actually, I'm an automated response robot.

[velvet]

If you were under twenty there would be a reason to think about it. Your both adults and if your on the same level with each other and make each other happy theres nothing wrong.

 

Now when I was 19 I accepted a ring from a 36 year old man from a different culture. Imagine what my father was thinking when I introduced them. It was like watching my father meet himself in a different culture!

 

I didn't stress over the age difference, it was somewhat normal for me because I watched my grandfather marry a very young women. My father married a women 14 years younger than him. And my aunt married a man in his 50's when she was in her 20's.

 

Our age difference sometimes felt awkward. Anytime I entered a room with him I felt like eyes where on us because of our age. I would feel a rush of heat come across me like I was almost embarrassed. To handle those situations I imagined that every other man envied him. May sound a little vane but I never told anyone till now. LOL.

 

After we got engaged he trained me in his line of work, told me how to dress and act and run with the big wigs and I was still a couple years too young to drink.

 

 

I learned allot from him. The person I am now is who he raised. He molded me as much as he could into who I am. I'm actually thankful for everything I've learned from him. I liked that he would set me straight were ever I needed it.

 

After I invested several more years into our r/s I started realizing that my feelings for him were not genuine. That even though I loved him, I wasn't in love. I think I was just a little fascinated with our lifestyle.

 

 

I honestly thought we would be together forever. In fact I told him I would probably kill him if he left me. Turned out I grew up and left him.

 

Now my aunt and I reflect on the past and take an occasional trip down memory lane and we both agree that the men in our lives during those times were perverts! LOL!

 

But no, I don't regret it. I do love him and in fact we still email each other once in every blue moon.

[aly]

Was reading your post & the 'age' thing cought my attention. I've been seeing a guy thats 36 and Im 26. The way we look at it is when you get older, the age gap grows closer. The fact that my b-f is older does not bother me. You might be a bit shocked. I know, I was when he told me his age! I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship w/ him. But, we were very attracted to each other & the more time we spent togoether, the more we liked each other! and we wanted to explore that.....come to find out, we have a lot in common. Yeah, there is issues, as w/ any relationship (thats why I have posts), but, great relationships take work from the both of you. Tony is totally right, you have to make up your own mind and choose your own path no telling where fate can take you. I just wanted you to know from someone elses perspective....our 10 year difference compliments the relationship.....& I even forget about it! Spend time w/ him, get to know him more, then decide.

[Travelling gal]

I've read all your responses and thought about it for a couple of days.

 

I guess actually the age thing isn't an issue. I remembered back a few years when I was dating someone who was about ten years older than me, and I actually thought it was really cool at the time. But then again, I had super strong feelings about that guy...who ended up cheating on me (!) and moving away. I didn't see any of it coming, I was too swept up in these feelings I had for him. Actually, I'm sure I did see most of it coming, I just chose to ignore the signs.

 

I think the point is that I don't feel these crazy emotional feelings about this guy and I'm looking for something to point out that's wrong. The trouble is, he's a great guy. There's nothing wrong with him at all. I just don't have any super strong feelings about him...so I think, in writing that post, I was trying to justify not being crazy about him because of the age difference. That's just bull.

 

Now, this brings me to my next thought...lately especially I've been caught up in these flash-in-the-pan romances, where I'm dating someone for a few weeks, I'm really really interested in him, and then he just backs off for whatever reason.

 

I think I'm just concerned in this relationship because it's starting out so differently. I don't see him all that often - once or a couple of times a week. I don't have the feeling of helplessness or being woo-ed or rushed into anything...

 

This is actually normal, isn't it? That's why it seems odd to me -- I'm used to having too-strong feelings for people I barely know. Now when a guy comes along who actually wants to go slow, I'm worried because it's not going (down the drain) the way my other recent relationships have.

 

I think I've just talked myself through this one. Thanks.

[Tony T]

I think you'll find that the ones that develop more slowly are more likely to be keepers. Romance based on an initial thrust of spectacular chemistry are really great for a while...until those chemicals start neutralizing.

 

It's always best to get to know someone gradually and let the chemistry simmer a bit before it gets to a boil.

 

You need to stop concerning yourself so much about how things are going in the beginning and enjoy the moments of getting to know someone. Doing that will make your relationships more satisfying...and more successful.