Shattered expectations...

[AriaIncognito]

I guess my main issue here is that I had any expectations of another person at all. Today being thanksgiving, I expected a friend of mine (well, an ex of mine, whom I spent time with last week, but he went away to family on the other side of the country a few days later) to at least connect with me to say Happy Thanksgiving. I basically have let it ruin my entire day, checking my cell for the "1 text msg" text on the screen. Of course, I've got nothing. I was letting him initiate the contact on this holiday because he's always been the one confused as to what he wanted in regards to an "us". I realize he's 3 hours behind me and he could have very well not had time or whatever, but is it so wrong to want to feel thought of on this day? Especially after spending a very good time together last week during which some feelings were obviously rekindled (though I did not think nor expect them to mean we were together again). He contacted me even the first few days he was out there, then nothing for 3 days. He knew i was sick, and didn't try to check in. I just dont get it. Even if i'm just someones friend, I'd make more contact than that.

 

I guess I'm just babbling. I just feel really hurt. Hurt that I let him in, if even for a day or two, only to be back in this place where I'm longing for just a morsel of attention. There could even be a good explanation for this, but given how many avenues of communication there are, I can't imagine what it could be.

 

Sigh. I just want to cry. And I can't. Because in a few minutes a friend of mine will be here for a few days, and I'll have to pretend everything is fine, when really I just wanna curl into a ball in my bed and sleep for a long time.

[Kamille]

(((((hug)))))

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks Kamille. I really do wish I could just bawl right now but my face wouldn't recover before my friend got here, and well, she'd probably kill me if she knew I spent time with him last week and considering he seemingly doesn't think about me when i'm not around I can't imagine theres much reason to mention it to her.

 

I just feel really, disappointed. In him, in myself.

[Kamille]

poor sweetie.

 

ok a few deep breaths. A bit of forgiveness, for yourself. You're allowed to feel this way. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Chin up. Smile. another deep breath. Smile. deep breath.

 

if that doesn't work, here's another hug (((((hug)))))

[Kamille]

I saw that! Now, that was a convincing fake smile! go girl!

[AriaIncognito]

I saw that! Now, that was a convincing fake smile! go girl!

 

I've been wearing it all day....

[D-Lish]

Hi AW,

 

An understanding friend should be able to offer support by letting you vent when you're down though right? I know that many of my friends didn't like my ex very much... but they'll still let me talk about it when I need to. I'm sure you're friend won't mind... and it sounds like a bit of talking might do you good.

 

The good thing is that having someone around will help you to keep your mind off things.

 

It's not Thanksgiving here in Canada- so the holiday blues haven't hit us Canadian posters here yet. But I can feel it looming. Argh...x-mas alone again. Last year was the best x-mas I've had in years because I had my ex and we spent the holidays together. This year, I know I'm just going to be bitter. lol.

 

Chin up, enjoy the time with your friend.

I don't know how people can play such games with other people's emotions. It's so cruel.

D

[AriaIncognito]

I wish I understood it too, D-Lish. I dont even know if he realizes what it does to me. All he knows is how confused he is about us, and well, I was hoping his trip home could provide clarity. And well, maybe it did, and maybe that's why he's stopped communicating. I don't think his parents take kindly to me since I'm not jewish and that has always been a reason he was reluctant to be with me even though he tells me how great I am and how much I do for him and support him and whatnot. I'm trying to once again give the benefit of the doubt and assume he's at dinner right now, since it is around 730 on the west coast, but I dont know, I just feel awful and want to stop feeling awful.

[Kamille]

I've been wearing it all day....

 

I agree with D-Lish. It really sounds like you need to talk and you know what, that's what friends are for.

 

Consider talking to your friend about it.

[AriaIncognito]

I know she'd be here to listen and support me and all that, but I also know she'd be terribly disappointed that I fell off the wagon so to speak. She knew we have been talking, but doesn't know we met up, and certainly doesn't know we were physical. I want to tell her, but I don't at the same time. Ugh. Why am I so weak. Why do i continue to love, despite this?

[Kamille]

you don't have to tell her everything. Although I know how I get at those moments. I feel so relieved about letting out some of the tensions that I just end up telling my friend everything.

 

I think sometimes my friends loose patience when I have a hard time letting go of something because they just know that I deserve to be treated like a queen and it bugs them when I allow a man to make me feel down.

 

But no matter what they're there for me because the same thing has happened to them too.

 

Just remember, you're a prize!

[magichands]

Just remember, you're a prize!

I don't think I'd shake you, before I unwrap you...slowly. But I might sniff you, though.

[panzer6]

Thats unfortunate, I really feel for you. I'm in the same boat as you. My ex comes into my life whenever she feels like it and then proceeds to make me pay for it. It's like she can't cut me off completely, and when she does come back she gets very angry at me and treats me like crap. I know she still cares about me, she even said she still loves me but I guess she hates the fact that she still has feelings for me. I just want to be with her but I know that it just wont work. It makes me very sad. We need to say goodbye and not see each other for at least a year or more. Maybe after a lot of time has passed we could try to be friends. I want to be there for her and her son's so I can help them in any way. Even that may be asking too much. It's hard when you spend time with them and your feelings start to come back. You guys need to talk about what is is that you are feeling about each other. You both deserve to know what it is that you want from each other. At least you will know for sure whether you have a chance or not. Remember that you are a good person and you deserve to have love in your life. You must really love him to feel the way you do. He needs to realise that your feelings are being hurt by him. Try to talk to him soon about it. I hope you have a happy thanksgiving. mmmmmmm.........turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. We had ours last month( Canadian) Remember that your feelings matter and he has to understand that.

[Teacher's Pet]

Beautiful Friend.......

 

 

I know I'm usually good at finding something to say when we talk about him..... but... not even "checking in" when you are sick (forget the holiday, even!), that's....I dunno... sucky.

 

But hey, you spent time with family (remember our talk last night about "comfort zones"), and your best friend is coming over soon. I know it's not the situation you WANT, but, it's far from the worst, too.

 

Besides, your #2 Jew is a phone call/text away.

 

I don't expect to be so rosy and bright over the holiday season, barring some miracle, so... I'm right there with ya. Heck, I just had Thanksgiving dinner with an IT person (yeah, one of you people!), an accountant, and a Blackhawk Helicopter mechanic, whom I've never met in my life, while the long-haired, ample-busomed high school teacher I was engaged to 6 months ago was probably busy introducing her "new man" to her parents.

 

Hey, remember what you said to me recently... "at least we have each other".

 

You KNOW I'm always here for you.

 

Love ya, FW.

 

-tp

would have traded jobs with any of them.

[AriaIncognito]

He knows how I feel. He doesn't set out to intentionally hurt or confuse me, but I suppose when he's confused himself and allows himself to get caught up in moments, it's the expected result. I knew going into it that i'd probably get weak and allow him to have his way with me should he try. I do love him, quite a lot, and I believe he knows that. I know he and I need to know what we are doing, but I guess since he left, we are kinda in limbo land since we hooked up a bit, then he left for vacation home for 10 days. He'll be home Monday. Luckily these next few days I'll be travelling a little and will hopefully think of him less, but I even highly doubt that, because all tracks seem to lead to him lately, no matter what I do to derail. I suppose that's just the way it will be, until I decide it can't be any longer.

[magichands]

I do love him, quite a lot,

I know what you mean, but please don't save this one for your true love.

 

"Quite a lot, hey?"

[Teacher's Pet]

I will tell you this much.

 

Over the last few weeks, I've seen you get stronger and stronger when it comes to him.

 

These kinds of situations are not the easiest to just "snap out of", but you really have come a long way, and I'm so proud of you.

 

Keep hanging out with me and "the gang", be social, have fun, and you will learn to look forward......

 

You are doing great. Trust me.

 

-tp

motivational speaker, living in a van down by the river

[AriaIncognito]

I know what you mean, but please don't save this one for your true love.

 

"Quite a lot, hey?"

 

Would you have rather I said how I actually feel?

 

I'm head over heels in love with this man. I'd marry him this very instant, should he stand before me and ask. I would do anything for him.

 

Is that better?

 

I didn't figure I had to make myself to sound even more hopelessly in love with someone for people to get it.

[panzer6]

I know what you going through. It's tough to be in limbo like that. All you end up doing is missing them and feeling lousy about them being gone. You check your phone for texts or missed calls but there is nothing from them and it makes you hurt even more. It's like someone removed something from inside of you and no matter what you do or how much you eat the feeling wont go away. I still love my ex too. I also hate her for doing this. But sometimes I try to see things from her point of view and it helps a little. I'm not perfect by any means, nobody is. People do what they feel is right for them at the time. Getting dumped is a hard thing to endure. But imagine living in Iraq and dealing with that nightmare on a daily basis. There isn't enough money on the planet to make me go to that hell on earth. No matter how bad we think we have it there are a million people who are a million times worse of than us. It's like i said before, you deserve love and happiness and I know you will find it, we all will one day.

[AriaIncognito]

I certainly know that life could be a heck of a lot worse than just dealing with a confused heart/heartbreak/etc. However of course, we cant trivialize our own feelings just because we know others are always around that are enduring much worse. I know I deserve love and all that, I just really want it to be with this one, and well, it's hard when you haven't a clue if it ever will, and frightening to know that 1 person can make me feel this way. Of all the millions of people around us at any given time, why does a certain one get to us the most?

[Teacher's Pet]

Of all the millions of people around us at any given time, why does a certain one get to us the most?

 

I think the heart has a way of giving us tunnel vision.

 

We always hear the fairytales of "meeting Prince Charming", or in from a guy's point of view "Rescuing the princess from the evil dragon", or some crap like that.

 

In all of those stories we are so used to, there is one person we MUST be with, and maybe an obstacle or 2 to get past to be with them, and in the story, the hero always wins.

 

I think we try to equate real life like that. "If I only do X, Y, and Z, he/she will be with me forever"... Many people think in fairytale terms, me being one of them. My ex was my world. There was no way any other woman could be as great as she was.

 

You know how she treated me. Of course, in my "fairytale" imagination, she was a princess...and I was her knight in shining armor.....

 

It's all crap, but it's something most people have burned into their brains.

 

-tp

knight in shining armor, KIA

[D-Lish]

I don't think I'd shake you, before I unwrap you...slowly. But I might sniff you, though.

 

I got sniffed once... in the dairy section at the grocery store...by a strange man. Stuck his face right in my neck... where did you say you lived?

 

AW,

 

When you said that "this will go on, for as long as you let it"... it struck a chord with me. It's true, I guess we allow it to effect us, we go with THAT thought process, let it consume us before one day deciding "enough's enough, I'm not going to put myself through this anymore".

 

I don't know about you, but I keep waiting for myself to get "angry" at my ex's treatment of me. I'm sure your ex is a nice person at the heart of it all.... but it's not fair to pull on your heart strings like he does. That would drive me crazy if I were in your situation.

 

It also sucks to feel alienated by the family for not being Jewish. It's unfortunate that is is even a factor in choosing who somebody loves and wants to spend the rest of their lives with.

 

I hope you get an opportunity to take your mind off things this weekend, even if it's only for a little while.

 

D

[Kamille]

I think the heart has a way of giving us tunnel vision.

 

We always hear the fairytales of "meeting Prince Charming", or in from a guy's point of view "Rescuing the princess from the evil dragon", or some crap like that.

 

In all of those stories we are so used to, there is one person we MUST be with, and maybe an obstacle or 2 to get past to be with them, and in the story, the hero always wins.

 

I think we try to equate real life like that. "If I only do X, Y, and Z, he/she will be with me forever"... Many people think in fairytale terms, me being one of them. My ex was my world. There was no way any other woman could be as great as she was.

 

You know how she treated me. Of course, in my "fairytale" imagination, she was a princess...and I was her knight in shining armor.....

 

It's all crap, but it's something most people have burned into their brains.

 

-tp

knight in shining armor, KIA

 

Hear hear TP. [Kamille stand up and claps her hand. Hollers.]

 

Magnolia said something like : Remember, love is a verb.

 

I think she summed up how I've been imagining a good relationship. It wouldn't be so much about who the person is, but about what we build together.

 

Everytime I feel down about an ex, I put myself right in that space of 'the good relationship'. It grounds me and gives me perspective on why it is things didn't work out with the ex, no matter how much I loved him.

[AriaIncognito]

It's funny you should say that to me, D-Lish, cuz even him himself has said to me "religion was meant to bring people together, not keep them apart". And he's right. If only he'd be strong enough to not let it keep us apart.

 

He's been texting me a little since i started this thread, but innocuous, and who knows if he would have, had I not checked in with him first. Oh well. My feelings are a direct result of my actions, really. I just wish I knew how to control myself, at times. I realize I choose my response to situations. I just wish I could always pick the response that didn't hurt me so much, in times like these...

[AriaIncognito]

Hear hear TP. [Kamille stand up and claps her hand. Hollers.]

 

Everytime I feel down about an ex, I put myself right in that space of 'the good relationship'. It grounds me and gives me perspective on why it is things didn't work out with the ex, no matter how much I loved him.

 

That's the kicker. It takes 2 people in the relationship for it to work. And clearly, in many of the ones we read about on LS, mine included, have at times been too one sided. Obviously it can't work if one party is fighting and the other simply isn't. It's just, how do you know when to give up the fight, I guess. Sometimes the other person can catch up and join in, sometimes, it'll never happen. Hard to make the call as to which to believe at what time.